angie2443 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I have to disagree with that... I don't think that cheaters think of their spouse as idiots.. not at all.. some respect them and love them... but some aspects of their relationship is not satisfying .. they look for it outside their relationship... I doubt someone smart would live with an idiot... lol I think you developed a twisted view of how people treat people with respect and love when you ended up with a married man, with children, at 15. I'm very sorry if I'm mixing you up with someone else:). One of the valued aspects of a person's life is their freedom of choice. When you cheat of them and keep it hidden, you're taking away their freedom of choice. How can they choose to live with someone who would lie to them or leave someone who would lie to them if they don't know what's going on. It can drive a person crazy experiencing the effects of an affair without knowing the affair is going on. There were times when I felt very lonely in my marriage and fantisized about other men taking me away from it all. The bottem line was that I loved and respected my husband and children to ever do that to them. .
blair08 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Someone else had made a post in reference to this kind of thing about the positive sides of cheating. So for that one and this one, there is nothing good, or positive about cheating. But many people love the justification they put in thier own minds that it is. Even authors of books try to convince themselves and others.
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 This is a book for cheaters to read and make themselves feel better about sneaking around and lying to their spouse. The TELLING of the cheating isn't what hurts the marriage. It's the cheating itself.
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Someone else had made a post in reference to this kind of thing about the positive sides of cheating. So for that one and this one, there is nothing good, or positive about cheating. But many people love the justification they put in thier own minds that it is. Even authors of books try to convince themselves and others. From my reading of the reviews this isn't a "how to go cheat" book, but rather one that says"okay, it was wrong and you did it, but what now?" or are there not supposed to be "self help" books for those that have done the wrong thing and now have to deal with it ?
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 From my reading of the reviews this isn't a "how to go cheat" book, but rather one that says"okay, it was wrong and you did it, but what now?" Exactly.. this is how I understood what the book was about...
grogster Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Exactly.. this is how I understood what the book was about... The venom, based on ignorance, that this book has unleashed is truly amazing. Read the book, people, before making half-assed pronouncements. Infidelity is the one and only topic where everyone feels entitled to prattle because of the intensity of conviction. Never have so many thought so little about a topic.
blair08 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 From my reading of the reviews this isn't a "how to go cheat" book, but rather one that says"okay, it was wrong and you did it, but what now?" or are there not supposed to be "self help" books for those that have done the wrong thing and now have to deal with it ? I never said it was a book on "how to cheat." Sure its great to have self help book, nothing wrong with it at all. Espcially if the reader takes heed to it.
norajane Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I never said it was a book on "how to cheat." Sure its great to have self help book, nothing wrong with it at all. Espcially if the reader takes heed to it. You're right that it's a 'self' help book. The cheater would be helping himself, and no worries about being honest with the spouse they cheated on because, oh my, the repercussions of such honesty might force them to take their spouse's views and desires into account! Does a cheater really need a book to tell them how to be self-centered? Seems that's how they've been operating all along.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Her view seems to be more centred on the WS and their perspective only (I'm guessing, I haven't read the book, just the review) and when THEY should stay or go. Which is, of course, just half of the story - but if one follows her advice not to tell, I guess that's the only perspective that features? This book and author is a complete waste of time. She lies to people and just tells them what they want to hear... which means she is crap at her job. Is it better to justify your behavior, or correct it? Dishonesty is a lifestyle, and it hurts those who practice it as much as those who live with them.
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 You're right that it's a 'self' help book. The cheater would be helping himself, and no worries about being honest with the spouse they cheated on because, oh my, the repercussions of such honesty might force them to take their spouse's views and desires into account! Does a cheater really need a book to tell them how to be self-centered? Seems that's how they've been operating all along. Beautifully said!
Crow9726 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I didn't read the book or any references to it. I find it too hard to believe that someone is publishing a book condoning affairs. I have been cheated on in the past by someone I never would have dreamed would do that. I sent her down the road after almost 28 years together to the day. The lady I am with now has been cheated on numerous times and has been guilty of cheating herself in retaliation. Both scenarios suck. Cheaters suck. Affairs suck. I have had numerous opportunities to cheat over the years but never followed through. I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday, and if I cannot respect the person looking back at me, then the price is far too steep for me to pay. I cannot even fantasize correctly. On the rare occasions that I do, it is always about how to make my sex life with my GF better than it is. Cheaters make me sick! No excuse or point of view will ever make me change my mind about that!
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 The venom, based on ignorance, that this book has unleashed is truly amazing. Read the book, people, before making half-assed pronouncements. Infidelity is the one and only topic where everyone feels entitled to prattle because of the intensity of conviction. Never have so many thought so little about a topic. Infidelity like the whole A, OW/OM thing seems to bring out the kneejerk "this is my standard answer" posts
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 You're right that it's a 'self' help book. The cheater would be helping himself, and no worries about being honest with the spouse they cheated on because, oh my, the repercussions of such honesty might force them to take their spouse's views and desires into account! Does a cheater really need a book to tell them how to be self-centered? Seems that's how they've been operating all along. Is that not what a "self" help book IS ? Or, is it more, as I posted earlier, that SOME seem to think the cheater should have no recourse to SELF help?
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Oh, and fwiw, the title of the book is NOT that As are good for a M, that was the header of the ARTICLE..........
michelangelo Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 This is a book for cheaters to read and make themselves feel better about sneaking around and lying to their spouse. The TELLING of the cheating isn't what hurts the marriage. It's the cheating itself. I can't tell you how many times I tried to make that point to my wife. Excellent insight!
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 The point was that cheaters are "helping themselves" alllll the time. If all they want is someone to tell them that sneaking around behind their spouse's back and lying to them is okay, then they should save the cost of a book and just come on LS and read only the posts by the enablers. 1
grogster Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Infidelity like the whole A, OW/OM thing seems to bring out the kneejerk "this is my standard answer" posts More than anything else. I remember a few years ago here, NAMBLA types began posting about how man/boy sex is a civil right. To my astonishment, some of the most knee jerk anti-affair posters calmly listened to the mind numbing boy-love arguments, and conducted a rational discussion with men who have sex with children!. Such a calm, rational discussion, as is demonstrated time and again, is impossible here as to infidelity. I guess the NAMBLA men were not cheating on their wives with an OW, and thus there was little need to be overly critical. Wild!
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 More than anything else. I remember a few years ago here, NAMBLA types began posting about how man/boy sex is a civil right. To my astonishment, some of the most knee jerk anti-affair posters calmly listened to the mind numbing boy-love arguments, and conducted a rational discussion with men who have sex with children!. Such a calm, rational discussion, as is demonstrated time and again, is impossible here as to infidelity. I guess the NAMBLA men were not cheating on their wives with an OW, and thus there was little need to be overly critical. Wild! I've seen that in chat rooms too, it just blows me away....
luvmy2ns Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 More than anything else. I remember a few years ago here, NAMBLA types began posting about how man/boy sex is a civil right. To my astonishment, some of the most knee jerk anti-affair posters calmly listened to the mind numbing boy-love arguments, and conducted a rational discussion with men who have sex with children!. Such a calm, rational discussion, as is demonstrated time and again, is impossible here as to infidelity. I guess the NAMBLA men were not cheating on their wives with an OW, and thus there was little need to be overly critical. Wild! Sorry to disappoint you, but I would've been of the "cut their junk off" camp during that discussion.
Stockalone Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Oh, and fwiw, the title of the book is NOT that As are good for a M, that was the header of the ARTICLE.......... The title of the book is "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships". I would argue that good people don't have affairs and in my first post, I was using quotes by the author and explained why I disagree.
JackJack Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 IMO, there will always be people who justify something. Murder, rape, cheating, abuse etc etc. Someone, somewhere will always have an excuse for what it is they have done, and they will have people who support them in their excuses, which to me, makes them no better than the person who did something they shouldn't have.
Trialbyfire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 imo, There Will Always Be People Who Justify Something. Murder, Rape, Cheating, Abuse Etc Etc. Someone, Somewhere Will Always Have An Excuse For What It Is They Have Done, And They Will Have People Who Support Them In Their Excuses, Which To Me, Makes Them No Better Than The Person Who Did Something They Shouldn't Have. Enablers!!
Lookingforward Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 The title of the book is "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships". I would argue that good people don't have affairs and in my first post, I was using quotes by the author and explained why I disagree. I disagree, but perhaps for you it's all black and white - anyone that has an A can't be intrinsically "good", sorta like some people believe that smoking automatically cancels out anything good about the person... If a person who has an A cannot be deemed a "good person" then what's the rationale for taking them back and attempting to reconcile the M ?
Stockalone Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 The venom, based on ignorance, that this book has unleashed is truly amazing. Read the book, people, before making half-assed pronouncements. Obviously, the article used controversial quotes of the author. However, that doesn't change that those quotes exist. Infidelity is the one and only topic where everyone feels entitled to prattle because of the intensity of conviction. People post their convictions on all sorts of topics on this board. My guess is that cheating is one of the topics that almost everybody has formed an opinion after giving the topic a lot of thought and that opinion can hardly (probably never) be changed. Never have so many thought so little about a topic. I think it is the exact opposite.
Pyro Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 If a person who has an A cannot be deemed a "good person" then what's the rationale for taking them back and attempting to reconcile the M ? IMO, it depends on the cheater. A cheater could realize that they made a mistake and truly feel bad for what they did, or they attempt to justify what they did and try to pass blame on everyone else. To me, that determines when a reconciliation is an option.
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