Bright Shadow Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 When we go to yard sales and I drive, she criticizes the spots I choose to park..I didn't park where she would have parked. She always takes back jewelry I get her...and has been hurtful with her presentation of why she doesn't like it.A few months ago she asked me to order lunch for her at a deli...she thought it would be fun. She was pissed when she realized that I didn't "guess" what she would have ordered...which I didn't think was the point...big fight ensued.A couple of months ago I planned a long evening out, sunset, dinner, then we saw a local band play....we got home and she was pissed because she said she doesn't like bars and the trip was "for you, not me". For Mother's Day I got her 1/2 dozen thoughtful gifts, mushy card, and took her and the 10 day old baby on a little picnic. She was extremely upset because the gifts and cards were from "me"...not our 10 day old son...WTF?! And I asked her if subway subs and a picnic at the park around the corner sounded good...She said I should have just told her we're doing that. Hmph...then deal with the consequences if she wasn't happy with that idea (see above).Finally the last straw when she decided to make me leave had to do with me taking a stand...She wanted me to drive 1100 miles to visit her and her family in PA (she's flying up), then we'd drive down together and visit other family. I said "No Way...I'm flying up to join you, then we'll get a one-way rental to come down...I don't care what the premium for a one-way rental is...I'm not driving 20 hours and spending $200 on gas to save a few hundred bucks on a rental car." She then insisted that she'd just drive up with the baby to "save" the money. I said "Fine, if that's what you want to do". Well....later that night after talking to her Mom, she decided that a MAN would NOT let his wife drive to PA (even if she insisted) and that I'm a worthless excuse for a man... She would not entertain my idea of just flying up and paying the premium...she was done and wanted me out. All of this stuff seems pretty ridiculous. Way over the top. I think in the same situation I'd be hoping I could be man enough to respond with something like "Dear, seeing how you're acting at the moment, I'm beginning to think I just don't spank you enough."
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 It is all over the top. Most of these stories resulted in big fights and I let her know that I thought she was way out of line. I even told her I think she's going crazy when she told me I ruined Mother's Day b/c the presents were from me and not our two-week-old. She told me she thinks I'm losing it becuase any husband would know that the presents shouldn't come from him, but the baby. In her mind she is justified in all of her behavior...she thinks her abuse and behavior is in line with me being "critical" which amounts to things like asking her why she thinks our local grocery store is dirty, mentioning that the first batch of instant iced tea was better (I was thinking it was a different brand), orhaving a discussion of how Baby Bjorn (baby carrier) is pronounced. Pure egg shells that I walk on and I still manage to upset her with tiny little things that are escalated to a huge fight and then brought up over and over again (like me saying the food needs more salt after she asks if it does). Standing up to her causes her to act out...when I stand up to her she often threatens to leave or make me leave...which is what happened when she kicked me out a couple of weeks ago. I need to stand my ground and figure out what I want before going back. Saturday night when I went home for the evening she was an absolute witch during the last hour I was htere, but she has been really nice the last two days I was at the house...maybe she's realized her ultimatum didn't work since I didn't respond and maybe she's trying to undo damage (without apologies or mention of fault). She said something about wanting to overturn every stone and trying to get to the point where we're totally out of energy to put into it...in response to watching the Danny Bonaduce divorce on Dr. Phil yesterday. Well, I'm about out of energy and most of the stones I turn indicate that she needs to go to counseling and figure out what's going on inside of her that's causing her happiness to be determined by everything I say and do to and for her.
jmargel Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Although what your wife is doing is not right, let me give you a really quick lesson on communication. You need to pick and choose your battles, if you fight every single one, then you will just wear yourself out. When she becomes insulting, loud, etc.. The ONLY thing you need to say is 'I will talk to you later about this when things calm down'. With that statement, you are telling her you are not going to ignore the issue, however you will address is when things have cooled down. You also without telling her, that you are in control of the situation. When you start yelling back or insult back, you just feed the fire. When my wife tells me to do something "now' and I say "You just need to give me 10 minutes...I'm doing something else right now and it's not right for you to order me around!" I get..."Yeah, you're just trying to take control by not doing what I ask. You're on such a power trip." IMO you should have said something like this: 'I understand you would like that done, but I am a little busy right now. I will get to it as soon as I'm done'. With that statement you are not insulting and you are not blowing her off. Although your complaints are legimate, I still think we are not getting the full story. There are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. By your last quote that I posted, it shows you fight fire with fire. Use a different tactic. Talk with a calm, confident voice. When she talks, two words make all the difference 'I understand'. It puts down her defenses and will stop alot of bad behavior. You two still need counseling. Why did you marry her if she was like this? I believe you also have to respond this way to your mother in law as well. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Unless you build the communicate between you two, I see divorce in the future.
Woggle Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 When she starts leave and tell her you will talk to her when she acts like a rational and sane person. Until she does that just don't deal with her.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Yes, she does have issues from her past. Lots of resentment of her parents...emotionally unavailable Dad who screamed (according to her little sister) and a controlling (and I think narcissistic) Mom. Her Mom was with us for a month after the baby came and has been feeding into this. I talked with her and she lectured me on the same things my wife has been...my hobbies, my hair, the way I talk to them (too detailed, etc), my supposedly lagging "domestic duties", etc. She even talked negatively about my mom for 1/2 an hour...just as my wife has done for years. Your own wife lecturing about your hobbies and hair, talking "too detailed" is ridiculous. Her mother jumping on the bandwagon is even worse. I really think you need to stand up for yourself better. That doesn't mean being a jerk but you let her mom talk badly about your mom for a 1/2? Dude, I would never let anyone bash my mom, not even my husband. (if I had one). There is a way to put someone in their place without being a jerk. And if that doesn't work, you walk away. You need to tell your wife that you are at the breaking point with the way she carries herself in your relationship. And tell her that things need to start to change. And if the don't, then unfortunetly, something else has to happen.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 jmargel, thanks for the tips. You're right. I've used these tactics before when she only escalates to a reasonably dramatic level...in those cases it can actually work. But if she's gotten into her somewhat "manic" zone, there is nothing that I can say or do that will defuse the situation. When she wants to fight, she fights...the only way out of the fight is for me to physically leave the house...which I've done at times. FYI, I rarely yell back or insult her. She's asking that I scream back at her when we fight but I won't have a relationship like that. She thinks that's normal but I don't...especially with a baby in the house. Also, 99% of fights are started by her... I don't "pick" my battles per se...I "pick" the ones I choose to defuse or end...it's still a battle, though, and constantly defusing situations gets old. Why did I marry her? Because of the woman she is 80-90% of the time...wonderful...that other 10-20% (the side sh only shows to me) is extremely hard to deal with. Also...I never knew how bad the relationship was...I can take a lot of abuse in relationships so I got used to it. Also...I've become dependent on her to a certain extent...she knows that and uses it against me like "If you leave, who is going to cook for you and buy the groceries." Also...I was afraid of the drama that would ensue if I pushed back the wedding or broke things off. She started planning the wedding before I even bought a ring....yes, we lived together and had bought a house together, but she put a lot of pressure on me by going about it that way. Lastly, because I didn't do a good job of looking at the relationship and my feelings...it was all about making her happy.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Your own wife lecturing about your hobbies and hair, talking "too detailed" is ridiculous. Her mother jumping on the bandwagon is even worse. I really think you need to stand up for yourself better. That doesn't mean being a jerk but you let her mom talk badly about your mom for a 1/2? Dude, I would never let anyone bash my mom, not even my husband. (if I had one). There is a way to put someone in their place without being a jerk. And if that doesn't work, you walk away. You need to tell your wife that you are at the breaking point with the way she carries herself in your relationship. And tell her that things need to start to change. And if the don't, then unfortunetly, something else has to happen. Yes, I do. And I have. I've taken a stand to her, and I've been living outside of the house for 3 weeks...despite pressure from her to come back, with all kinds of emotional blackmail about our family and our baby. I have told her that I don't think I'll ever make her happy due to her impossible-to-meet expectations, and that I don't think she can stop the abuse, control, and manipulation. Regarding her mother. I wanted to hear what she had to say and I wanted to hear the judgmental comments that she's been harboring over the past 15 years. It allowed me to get a better glimpse of what's going inside her mom's head. Her mom even complained that my mom didn't thank her for making food for our families at a get together almost 8 monts ago! WTF!? She was nearly crying. Yes, at the end, I did tell her that my mom is not perfect, but I love her and that it is very hurtful to hear those things... I told my wife about that and she didn't think it was right, either. My wife cannot take someone standing up to her...including counselors. They have to watch every word they say to her because she'll leave if they place too much emphasis or blame on her...I know this for a fact b/c one of our counselors told me this...she eventually left for good as soon as he asked her to do IC. I see it with the new counselor too...she's choosing her words and delivery very carefully...
jmargel Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 jmargel, thanks for the tips. You're right. I've used these tactics before when she only escalates to a reasonably dramatic level...in those cases it can actually work. But if she's gotten into her somewhat "manic" zone, there is nothing that I can say or do that will defuse the situation. When she wants to fight, she fights...the only way out of the fight is for me to physically leave the house...which I've done at times. FYI, I rarely yell back or insult her. She's asking that I scream back at her when we fight but I won't have a relationship like that. She thinks that's normal but I don't...especially with a baby in the house. Also, 99% of fights are started by her... I don't "pick" my battles per se...I "pick" the ones I choose to defuse or end...it's still a battle, though, and constantly defusing situations gets old. Why did I marry her? Because of the woman she is 80-90% of the time...wonderful...that other 10-20% (the side sh only shows to me) is extremely hard to deal with. Also...I never knew how bad the relationship was...I can take a lot of abuse in relationships so I got used to it. Also...I've become dependent on her to a certain extent...she knows that and uses it against me like "If you leave, who is going to cook for you and buy the groceries." Also...I was afraid of the drama that would ensue if I pushed back the wedding or broke things off. She started planning the wedding before I even bought a ring....yes, we lived together and had bought a house together, but she put a lot of pressure on me by going about it that way. Lastly, because I didn't do a good job of looking at the relationship and my feelings...it was all about making her happy. When she starts going 'nuts' then do just that.. Leave. You extingish her fire when you do that. It's imparitive that you do not fight around your newborn. This baby is already picking up very negative feelings and vibes and this poor thing will be put through a really rough childhood. This is the type of domestic problems that take a beautiful baby and changes him/her into a suicidal teenager. That 10-20% that she only shows you is because she has gotten so comfortable with you, she's taken you for granted. Your are her emotional punching bag, you have taken the place of all the abuse she's received by her parents and anyone else. People who are abused do this, they lash out at the closest ones to them. I've been through it twice. The only way it stops is when you stand up for yourself and show action, just not talk. In a sense you are in a parent-child relationship with your wife on the emotional level. As long as you tolerate it, the worse it will get. Your child will then either be picked on as well and then learn from your wife how to treat others the same. It's a cycle that will not end. You have more power in this relationship than you think. She uses fear to prevent you from seeing this. I honestly think if she doesn't goto individual or marriage counseling that you might have to walk away from her. In the mean time, try to read up on BPD and learn better communication skills.
tanbark813 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Your wife is a lunatic. I would have dropped this psycho a LOOOONG time ago.
JerseyShortie Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I have told her that I don't think I'll ever make her happy due to her impossible-to-meet expectations, and that I don't think she can stop the abuse, control, and manipulation. As long as you realize that is all her, and not you. Which I think you do. Regarding her mother. I wanted to hear what she had to say and I wanted to hear the judgmental comments that she's been harboring over the past 15 years. It allowed me to get a better glimpse of what's going inside her mom's head. Okay, well that makes sense. I agree in general with Jmargel's post.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 It's imparitive that you do not fight around your newborn. Your are her emotional punching bag, you have taken the place of all the abuse she's received by her parents and anyone else. People who are abused do this, they lash out at the closest ones to them....In a sense you are in a parent-child relationship with your wife on the emotional level. In the mean time, try to read up on BPD and learn better communication skills. I pulled out some of the points you made, which are all very good. I've told my wife for the past year or more that I will not stay married to her if the screaming, control, and abuse continues. I told her mother the same thing. I do think she was badly hurt in some way as a child. I feel that I'm married to an 11 year old sometimes... Yes, it's a very awkward relationship...she admitted that she realized that she is looking to me to address her issues with her unavailable father...so she wants me to baby, coddle, and compliment her as a father would a young daughter. BUT, she learned from her mother's marriage that a wife treats a husband as if he's her son...a son that never follows the rules. I get scolded constantly, and am constantly "taught lessons" or shown how I can be a better person...as if I'm a child. So, it makes it hard for me to coddle a woman who makes me feel like she's my mom a times...an abusive, controlling mom....she doesn't understand how destructive her abuse is as far as the damage it does to my feelings for her...it creates a downward spiraling cycle. After reading your posts and hearing the psychologist's similar strategy for defusing her when she becomes abusive or "psycho" as it feels at times, I really feel like I'm married to a little girl with some heavy behavioral problems....the techniques I need to use with her are nearly identical to those that are used with "troubled" kids. Our last counselor told me that if she doesn't get help, she'll treat our son the same way she treats me. I told him that it makes me feel like I have to stay just to protect our son from her. It's a real burden to carry at times. Regarding BPD...I never mentioned that...did you glean that from previous posts of my alter ego? Or are you suspecting that she has borderline personality disorder? I am very patient and very tolerant, but I am nearly at my wits end with the constant tantrums and pouting about every little thing that doesn't go her way. I saw her for just a few hours last night and she threw a little tantrum about her printer not working and just wanting a computer that works like all of her friends, etc....it gets old very quick.
jmargel Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Unfortunetly I believe to stay in the marriage at least for the time being, you are going to have to make yourself go numb to alot of her comments. Usually though during a relationship when a partner comes to this point, it's really the end of the relationship. When you feel hurt by your partner's actions it's because you still care about that person, perhaps even still love him/her. When you become numb it's a defense mechanism that really drives you away from that person which in turns ends the relationship. Since now you know where this is all coming from, you can now realize this really isn't about you and your faults. It's about her. She would have done this to anyone who married her. So, for the time being do the 'in one ear and out the other'. Hopefully she will realize she needs alot of help and will find it. As for BPD, the way you were discribing her and the situations kind of sounds like it. However I am by no means a Dr. so don't go with the assumption that she has that. Only a psychologist can diagnose her. From my personal experience (both my ex-fiancee and wife were abused by their parents) and from reading on here the past 5 years I've gained alot of insight. In regards to my ex-fiancee (Tara), she was physically, mentally and verbally abused by her mom very bad. She ran away to live with her dad where I met her. It was a hard relationship at times because I took Tara's abuse that she got from her mom. The night that her dad unexpectally tried to kill himself, I knew right there our relationship would end. It eventually got much worse with her abuse towards me, and it did end. As for my wife, her dad neglected her and still does today. He uses control and fear, not love to get what he wants. I took my share of abuse from her, but learned how to deal with it and how to stop it. You need to put very strict boundaries on her on what is acceptable and what is not. You say she acts like an 11 year old, then treat her like one. Don't assume the obvious. Make sure you tell her or better yet write a list on what you want stopped and what you expect to change. Write down how you expect to be treated along with your son. Let her know what your mother-in-law's boundaries are as well. Encourage her to goto counseling, let her know that she does have a very good head on her shoulders and she is not a bad person. However she has made some very bad choices and you both know where they have come from. Counseling will get these demons out. Expect counseling to make things very hard for her, it's something that makes her face what she wants to avoid. Though IMO that's the only thing that is going to make her better.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 jmargel, I think you've got it down. I've only posted a small amount of her behavior in this thread, but the last counselor we went to, and I continued going to individually, against her pleadings, told me that he thinks she has BPD...but he's a master's level therapist...not a psychologist. Our current counselor is a psychologist, and I'm hoping that she'll see the BPD traits and make a diagnosis if she feels it's warranted. At $150/hr she seems to only want to go to this lady as a marriage counselor...not as IC for her...of course, she doesn't think she needs any. Unfortunately, I have gotten numb. I've done a lot of crying recently, and she really hurt me with some of the recent comments...especially since I was trying so hard to perform at her expectations. The night she came to me and kicked me out as the baby was strapped to her chest, I was basically stone. I just continued scrubbing the kitchen floor as she continue to berate me and tell me why I don't deserve her or to stay in the house. That numbness is what worries me...and what led me to exclaim that I don't know if I can stay in the marriage during our last counseling session. It's also what has probably allowed me to have the strength to not return to our home except for my daily visits of our son. Her guilt trips and sobbing when I see her have made that very hard, but when she laces those things with the forked tongue every couple of days it helps to stay strong until I can sort my feelings out.
rb45 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 [Why did I marry her? Because of the woman she is 80-90% of the time...wonderful...that other 10-20% (the side sh only shows to me) is extremely hard to deal with. ] I go thru something similar almost every month, my sweet loving wife becames a hysterical screaming short tempered bitch before and during her period. I put up with it sometimes, sometimes I can reason with her, sometimes not. But she has gone to doctors, we've tried birthcontrol pills, no pills for the last 2 years and it varies from month to month. Can her behavior be tied to hormonal problems? She may still be recovering from the birth. We have been married 24yrs and it did seem to get worse after we started having children. Just something to consider.
jmargel Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 DS check to see if your insurance covers the IC. So that you aren't stuck with such a huge bill. Like I said, help the situation out by making a list of how you expect you and your son to be treated. What you want changed in her and the marriage as well. Tell her to put it somewhere, where she can see it. Let her know that she needs to choose her words wisely. Does she apologize at all? Is she remorseful for the things she has said? Also look up the 5 stages of grief, there are some that you might be going through. I only say that because the woman you thought you married, really has died emotionally. The whole hormone thing as well could be playing a big factor right now. Having a baby is a very stressful thing.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 jmargel, my ins may only cover Master's level counselors. This one is out of pocket...her mom has paid for the last 3 visits... A couple of months ago we had a talk where we decided to create lists like this. She has it, but admitted that she hasn't looked at it. Mine centered around being treated with respect and being treated as if I'm an individual. She hasn't followed it well...I think if she read it today she'd realize that she's breaking every rule by continuing the verbal attacks and deciding which hobbies I should have. Does she apologize? Very very rarely...once in a while if I really call her out and it was even unfair in her eyes she'll say "I shouldn't have said that." That's as close as it gets, usually. Now, a few months ago she did apologize several times for all the screaming she's done over the years, and she even cried...but she blames me for not telling her that it "hurts me"...just asking her to stop over the last several years apparently didn't count. She said she will not apologize for kicking me out or calling me a worthless excuse for a man that night, or for doing any of the things she's done or said since the baby arrived 6 weeks ago. She won't even ask me to come back to the house...although she wants me to come back. She said she won't beg, but she's expecting me to beg. It may have not been a good gamble for her, though. A week or two of hearing that I'm not a man really brought me down...especially since she actually thinks it and continues to justify it. Yes, having a new baby is stressful but she's taking it very well...she's now off work for the summer so that helps. I should mention that she didn't actually carry our baby (a surrogate did), so hormones aren't an issue...yes, she become pretty psycho 3 days before her period. I know her cycle so Ive learned to deal with her those days... The night she kicked me out was one of those PMS days, and she mentioned that afterwards, but it's not an excuse. She still has to try to control her rage. She actually just left tonight for a several week trip to PA with our 6 week old son...but wouldn't even let me take him to my mom's for a night...it sucks. She planned it a week before she asked me to leave the house...she wanted it to be kind of a separation. She started a confrontation right before I dropped her off at the airport...so it wasn't a nice goodbye at all. She dogged me for "stringing her along" since she knows I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in the marriage, and for coming out of my work building at 6:03 instead of 6:00 when she was there to pick me up for the airport trip...she says that it proves that work is more important to me than my family :-/ WTF!? So, we'll see how the next few weeks goes...I'll be back in my own house alone for a while to think about things. Thanks for the input, everyone.
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 If you're back in the house, for whatever reason, you shouldn't let her "kick you out" again - it's not like you're abusive or threatening to her. Make her deal with the situation on your terms.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 12, 2008 Author Posted June 12, 2008 The only positve thing that I saw about her kicking me out is that then she can't say "I left her and our son" as she would if I had chosen to leave. She loves to use our newborn as leverage and as fuel for her guilt trips, so I know she'd do that. If I'm going to leave her anytime soon, this would be the time to do it. I know she wants me back in the house (she just won't ask for it though) but she's continued the abusive stuff during my visits to see the baby, so I've continued driving the 40 miles back to my mom's every night. Driving over 60 more miles per day is getting old, but it gives me the chance to get a little perspective and evaluate the relationship and my feelings.
t_veron Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Didn't read the whole thread but I have to agree with your wife on this. You're not much of a man (no offense trying to help) and she doesn't sound like much of a woman. If she's pushing you around.... let me rephrase that... smacking the crap out of you like she has been and you aren't sticking up for yourself (not hitting) then you got your answer to what the problem is. She sounds like she's got insecurity issues and needs constant attention and she's wearing the pants to prove it. She's only going to get worse because she's indirectly telling you she's having a hard time especially with the baby being the one to make all the decisions and running the family. She needs help and is dying for you to stand up to her respectfully and tell her you're going to make some changes starting with her ultimatum. You will make it clear that if she keeps running her mouth like she has been you'll take the divorce. If she starts acting with some class and get some therapy for her anger then you'd prefer to stick by her side and everything will work out starting with you taking more of a lead so she can relax.
GPFan Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 BPD is my thought too. You need support. Online community: BPD Central. The site has forum boards where you can communicate with people going through the same struggles as you. Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger These two resources will get you started and may help in the decision making process.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 t_vernon, my wife is saying I'm "not a man" not because I don't stand up to her...which may be true....but her reasoning is that I'm not a man because I wear Nike and Adidas t-shirts on the weekends and maybe even with a ball cap, have longer hair than most 33 year olds, and have "teenager" hobbies like playing electric guitar, Guitar Hero, etc. It's bull...I don't fit into the "norm" of what her ideal yuppie stuffy upper middle class husband is...I never have tried to fit any norm and that's what makes me unique. I do my own thing, and I've been successful and happy...except for my marriage. I have a graduate degree, a good job (cancer research scientist), I'm a licensed mortgage broker, I do 95% of the work on the family cars (shocks, brakes, exhaust, steering/suspension rebuilds, water pumps, radiators, you name it), I tutor middle school and high school students in math and science, and with her help I manage and maintain our 8 single family home rental properties that we've owned for the past 4-5 years.... and I do 90% of the work including roofing, tile, kitchen and bathroom remodeling, plumbing, painting, and landscaping. I'm highly respected in my position at work, by my peers, my boss, and even the dozens of tenants I've had over the years...whom I don't take crap from if/when they choose to try...and they rarely do because I'm very firm with them. Yes, I've been kind of a workaholic but have relaxed my workload over the past year or two since we were working to have a baby. I do spend a little time on my hobbies when I can, but I spend the majority of my free time with my wife, her family, friends, etc..I don't spend time away from her at bars, playing poker, golf, or even watching sports. I think ANY other wife would consider me a good husband and definitely a "man"... Most people would consider me interesting, thoughtful, resourceful, intelligent, unique, and kind....I think few would consider me "not a man". And if you want to get technical, I'm 6'4" 200 lbs and have a penis and two testicles ;-) I'm sure as hell a man...I just have a wife with lots of issues and she's blind to that. I need to make a decision of whether I'm going to stay in a relationship that is a constant power struggle with a woman who fails to see my qualities (yes, both positive and negative) as the things that make me the person I am, and not only accept them but embrace them.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 BPD is my thought too. You need support. Online community: BPD Central. The site has forum boards where you can communicate with people going through the same struggles as you. Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger These two resources will get you started and may help in the decision making process. Thanks, GP Fan. Yes, I have that book and have been on that website a little. I'm also reading another book on BPD, and a book on emotional blackmail, among a couple verbal abuse books. It's frightening how close the accounts in these books are to the things that I've experienced over the years. It's depressing, actually.
Lookingforward Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Dragon, I don't know if you have the book "I hate you, don't leave me" - one phrase that really struck me from that book was the description of a BPD person in full flight as being akin to having "emotional haemophilia" - sound familiar at all ? Another one you might want to look up, if you haven't read it already is "Sometimes I act crazy". I think you're aware that your W desperately needs IC and possibly more professional help than you are able to give her.
Author DragonSlayer Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 LookingForward, yes, I have that book...actually I haven't started reading it b/c I later bought "Sometimes I act crazy." It's written by the same authors and is an updated version of "I hate you don't leave me". Yes...I just read that section today! It reads that BPDs are "emotional hemopheliacs" and also sort of "emotional amnesiacs". The book describes how they live day to day...like Groundhog Day where their happiness with their marriage, life, etc is transient and basically starts all over...the "amnesia" creates a situation where there is "no history of acheivement on which to rely". They have forgotten all the great things before TODAY and define the current status of the R based on TODAY...of which I may be wonderful or an a-hole....depending on whether I cut the grass when she asked or performed the thoughtful gesture she was hoping for. This explains why my wife will say "I'm really happy with the relationship" but a week later she'll say, "I've been unhappy since 1994! I hated you all last week! You're not a good person at all!" Catches me totally off guard becauase I thought she was actually happy. Yes, I'm pretty convinced she needs IC, and yeah, it's way outside of what I can do for her...she won't even hear that she may have a problem...and I can't push it, because I'd be labeling her. I was happy that she signed up to go to a psychologist...but she was adamant on me attending the sessions with her. Once I joined her on her second and third appointments I realized her intentions were to point the finger at me and to "work on" the marriage. Addressing her issues was not on the agenda. She wants me to meet with the counselor individually while she's away...I'm fully open to working on my own issues but I want to make it clear to the psychologist that I'm concerned about her and that I may not stay in the marriage. I won't play the "BPD card" unless I have to. I don't want to bias her at the beginning.
J2FT1 Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 I was raised by a single mom, and Grandma, and my Dad was completely out of the picture throughout my life. It's the classic situation for a Mr. Niceguy. Sorry about your dad not being there for you. DS, what is the thing that you love most about her? Be specific if you will.
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