fran82 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 ive just broken my nc rule, which lasted for about 2 weeks, would have been longer but he txted me and i felt like he needed to understand my reasons, so i replied. this morning, after crying nearly all night, i had to txt, asked if i could call, no replied, (he's a quick learner, only took him 5 weeks). i know i shouldnt have txted, but something just feels so unresolved. cant really put my finger on it. i know i miss, but i always have done. here's my question tho, as the dumper(with good reason), do you reckon it was wrong to go back on my nc word? part of me feels a little like, im still only human and i deserve something, right now i dont know what atleast to know that he's doing okay is there anyone else out there that is trying to cope if the guilty feelings that go along side end a r/ship? any advice?
Tony T Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 OK, you were the dumper and by your post you had good reason to do so. Why, then, do you care to have further contact with this guy? When I accidentally touch a hot stove, I don't go back and do it again. It's over. You feel guilty because you are a sweet person but this love stuff is not sweet or nice sometimes. It can be downright cruel, by nature and by necessity. If you want to be in the romance business, you're going to have to develop a thick skin. Many relationships won't last for one reason or another and you have to be ready to cut and run. Once you go to no contact, there is simply no reason to associate again. The purpose of no contact is to heal. If you keep scratching the wound, that will never happen. Move on, smile and look forward to better things. That won't happen if you're feeling guilty. It's a crap emotion anyway.
Author fran82 Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 thanks for your response tony t, a lot of it does make sense, but you make it sound very black and white, too military stylie. its only human to feel confused, upset, emotional. i ended with him because of bad timing on his part. and yes i do feel that i deserve more, more walking away from someone that you still love is a nearly impossible task. i've managed 2 weeks of no contact so far, its killing me. like its building like a volcano about to erupt into some massive teary eyed explosion. i txted him this morning and he did replied, which actually surprised me. just letting me know he was doing okay. it made me feel a little better, that he's at least trying to be positive. breaking no contact at least this time, seems to have been a good thing. it hasnt given me silly ideas that he's changed, he's just okay, so im a little better for knowing it. is no contact always the way to go? is there anyone out there who relates to this? surely its okay to check up on his wounds to see hows he's healing?
foxh1234 Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 The problem is that everytime you contact him to see how he is doing, you are hurting him all over again. My ex dumped me and then emailed me everyday saying I hope your feeling better, I wasn't and I didn't start feeling better until we stopped contacting each other completely. Give him some time and maybe you can talk after sometime apart. I also agree with another poster who said why contact him anyway, you dumped him, move on and let him heal and move on. He will never get over you while you are in contact.
Author fran82 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 im not saying im right for contacting him, who knows whats right?? i just cant see it so black and white as all you guys seem to suggest. i didnt end it because i hate him, i still care and i still love him, i miss him immensely, those are the reason i want to contact him. i only let go of him because hes not ready to grow up, i dont blame him for that, i accepted that we're not right at this time in our lives. i never considered that id be hurting him when i txt'd, since for so long at the end, it was me that was more obviously hurting. he's a glass half full kinda guy. maybe its just a brave face, im glad youve pointed that out fox, i'll try to be more considerate that way. i think that those ppl out there that chose to end their r/ships seem to get a fairly bad wrap on this site. it can be quite harsh sometimes. i never cheated, i was never nasty, yet, im not allowed to waiver in my decision, or so it seems so many on here would have it. i guess im just voicing my justifications out loud, to make myself feel better, but hey, isnt that what this place is meant for i have alot of my own healing to do also tho, yes nc did help for a while, but less and less. i dont really how what i need, to take him back if he'd have me, i miss him so much in a perfect perfect world eh! thanks everyone for your response, its given me lots to think about!
kizik Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Dumpers aren't inherently bad, but they should NOT be contacting the dumpees. Yes, you may have had good reasons to dump him, but realize you are contacting him out of GUILT. Leave the guy alone. It's the least you can do.
Author fran82 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 perhaps its guilt, perhaps its fear, i have already stated before that im aware of why i was contacting him. its fear of making the wrong decision, its guilt that ive hurt the one person ive loved that much, its fear that i'll never ever see him again. its fear that i may never make it right again. its fear of being alone, its selfish, im the first to admit, but if you dont ask you'll never get, trust me i learnt that from him! ive love to read the rule book you guys have been reading! i was going to get angry at that response but i realize where your coming from with it, ive been there too you know! this wasnt my only long term r/ship. i just think as the dumper im not allowed to challange the norm, theres one set of rules for a dumper and another set for the dumpee, im just new to the dumper set! i wish i could get my hands on them! feel like im walking in the dark, just asking out for some advice for whoever might know where im coming from
Ronni_W Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I think the "rule" is the same no matter which side one is on: be as kind and considerate as humanly possible. The thing is, you are entitled to your own grief and healing, and coping with your fears and guilt. But it isn't very kind or considerate to want, expect or hope to find relief and an emotional outlet with a person who is also going through the same or similar emotional chaos/trauma. From a different angle, it can also be seen as not very realistic. And some might go as far as calling it "selfish" and/or "cruel". (Very often it does feel like that to the other person who is also experiencing emotional pain, whether or not it is your intention to come across like that.) You certainly do have responsibility to yourself to grieve, heal and learn effective coping skills. It is just, perhaps, that you're looking to the wrong person for what you need about this, at this time?
MsCrazy Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 fran82 I can completely relate. I was the DUMPER and it has NOT been easy for me. He texted me apologizing admitting that he was in the wrong. Saying he knows we can't be together and that I have ALREADY given him too many chances. Him telling me he didn't want to end it in such a bad note after all the years we shared together. He told me I was funny beautiful smart a perfect 10 and that he is a fool. You know it hurts. Why then did he not show me?? It is very painful for me but I know it had to he done. We talked on the phone today for a little bit after NC for 3 weeks. He just wanted me to know that he understands why I did what I did and that he doesn't hate me for it. I am glad we actually cleared somethings up but the pain is still there. Maybe it was wrong that I called him but he thanked me for it afterwards. I have to learn how to be happy on my own... But I'm not sure if that's possible right now. It sucks either way.
BrianG Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 fran82 I can completely relate. I was the DUMPER and it has NOT been easy for me. He texted me apologizing admitting that he was in the wrong. Saying he knows we can't be together and that I have ALREADY given him too many chances. Him telling me he didn't want to end it in such a bad note after all the years we shared together. He told me I was funny beautiful smart a perfect 10 and that he is a fool. You know it hurts. Why then did he not show me?? It is very painful for me but I know it had to he done. We talked on the phone today for a little bit after NC for 3 weeks. He just wanted me to know that he understands why I did what I did and that he doesn't hate me for it. I am glad we actually cleared somethings up but the pain is still there. Maybe it was wrong that I called him but he thanked me for it afterwards. I have to learn how to be happy on my own... But I'm not sure if that's possible right now. It sucks either way. Ms Crazy, I can relate to your ex. We as humans make mistakes and sometimes as the expression goes that sometimes we don't realize what we have until its gone. My ex was a perfect 10 in my eyes, and I was given a number of chances too, and I tried everything to get her back until I found this forum. So I can relate to your ex because like your ex I was a fool as well. I guess as the dumpee it feels good that sometimes the dumper feels pain as well not that I am happy about your pain. As much as I hate this expression, but sometimes things happen for a reason. If he was me I am sure he is in much more pain than you, I guarantee. He owned up to his mistakes as did I so I hope that helps in moving on. But yeah it sucks either way, when you both love each other and could not make it work.
kizik Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I am the dumpee (I think, though it was supposedly "mutual") and unlike Ms Crazy's ex and Brian G, I haven't done ANYTHING to try to get her back. Why? Because I don't want her. Because she made her best friend into her enemy, and that stings. I'm not gonna be her enemy, or ask her for "another chance" when I did nothing wrong. My point is that dumpees aren't always beggars. She lost a good thing, but this good thing isn't going to sweat her cruel ass.
justine4 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 perhaps its guilt, perhaps its fear, i have already stated before that im aware of why i was contacting him. its fear of making the wrong decision, its guilt that ive hurt the one person ive loved that much, its fear that i'll never ever see him again. its fear that i may never make it right again. its fear of being alone, its selfish, im the first to admit, but if you dont ask you'll never get, trust me i learnt that from him! ive love to read the rule book you guys have been reading! i was going to get angry at that response but i realize where your coming from with it, ive been there too you know! this wasnt my only long term r/ship. i just think as the dumper im not allowed to challange the norm, theres one set of rules for a dumper and another set for the dumpee, im just new to the dumper set! i wish i could get my hands on them! feel like im walking in the dark, just asking out for some advice for whoever might know where im coming from Fran, I think I know where you are coming from. It is upsetting (to say the least!) having contact with him when you've such a history and the future that you anticipated having is now null and void. Having the contact - its like theres still hope there. He still could turn around, realise how much hes lost and retrieve what you had together. I know the feeling. When a relationship ends and theres still much love of both sides, its extremely hard to accept and justify. I'd say theres a good chance if he turned around and admitted he wanted to get back together and for you to move over to England, you'd jump at the chance. I don't blame you for breaking the NC. When you've felt (and as you say, still feel) so much for someone - the thought of not having anything further to do with them and their lives, its heartwrenching.
Karyyk Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 I was the dumper. I had my reasons, and being dumped in the past (a few times), I know how much it can hurt. I had my reasons, good reasons, but after the fact, some aspects of it still hurt. Hurtful things have been said, and she wanted to try to be friends (genuinely I believe), but I'm not sure that's possible. After 5 months I'm not sure it's possible. She called me a few weeks ago, basically to tell me how she was doing, and of course I answered the phone when she called. I don't really regret it, because I wanted to know how she and her daughter were doing, but I haven't called her back (despite the fact that she told me I could). There are some nights when I would like to talk to her. You don't spend as much time talking as we have for there to not be some kind of void there, especially when there's no one else to really talk to. It's tough, and while I don't regret it, I do regret some of the ways I handled it, and have been handling it. There is some guilt there, and I don't expect that to change.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 here's my question tho, as the dumper(with good reason), do you reckon it was wrong to go back on my nc word? part of me feels a little like, im still only human and i deserve something, right now i dont know what atleast to know that he's doing okay is there anyone else out there that is trying to cope if the guilty feelings that go along side end a r/ship? any advice? I'm not gong through this now but I have in the past. I gave your question a lot of thought and I have to say that not all situations are the same. I ended a relationship with someone once and had to have no contact because he was unable to move on if I didn't. Talking to him at all hurt him and he told me he loved me every time we spoke. Unfortunately I think he still feels that way many years later. He was mentally ill and at the time I was unable to help him anymore and he was not seeking help. It was just awful to lose him but for his sake (mostly) I had to stop contact all together. It's been eight years and I recently heard that he is finally getting help. Another I spoke to every day and still talk to almost daily. We had a long relationship and a difficult break up after living together for nearly 5 years. We had LC for the first month and then we started talking with some simple boundaries for healing purposes. We just didn't talk about new love interests for awhile. With mutual respect and understanding it is possible to have a new kind of relationship. It takes time, patience and honesty but I now have a wonderful friend that I wouldn't trade for anything. In both cases I did what I thought was best for both of us. I do think I need to take care of myself but when you end a relationship it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't still responsible for your actions toward them and how they are feeling. Not as much of course and certainly not to the same degree. Be honest with yourself and think it through. Understand your motives for wanting to keep in contact. Are they selfish? How is he feeling? Are you being cruel? It is important that you deal with your healing by yourself and don't use him as a crutch but if you think you may want to know him in the future please just treat him with all the respect and love that you've ever had. Only you know what is right and whatever you decide just be clear and honest with him. I think its wonderful that you let him know why. You are obviously kind and strong. It's a shame you had to do this and I hope the guilt passes when you begin to see that you really did make the right decision.
Author fran82 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 hey there, thanks so much to everyone for your response, i feel much better that theres are others here that have had experiences so similar to mine, but more had the similar views on the nc thing. its very popular here(the nc rule), and when i questioned it at first, got very defensive replies, which have been hard to take. but i listened to every one of them. its so refreshing tho to see those who have been the dumper, saying out loud how theyre feeling or felt at the time. guilt has been a major thing, but i know it will fade. you helped me see that. thanks justine for your kind words i think you really do know where im coming from (the whole story, lol), and you right on so many things you've said. i would be there in a heart beat! but i know i have to accept its probably never gonna happen. it really is heart wrenching! LikeCharlotte I'm not gong through this now but I have in the past. I gave your question a lot of thought and I have to say that not all situations are the same. In both cases I did what I thought was best for both of us. I do think I need to take care of myself but when you end a relationship it doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't still responsible for your actions toward them and how they are feeling. Not as much of course and certainly not to the same degree. It is important that you deal with your healing by yourself and don't use him as a crutch but if you think you may want to know him in the future please just treat him with all the respect and love that you've ever had. Only you know what is right and whatever you decide just be clear and honest with him. I think its wonderful that you let him know why. You are obviously kind and strong. It's a shame you had to do this and I hope the guilt passes when you begin to see that you really did make the right decision thanks so much LC, i think your response has really helped me, knowing that it all seems to depend on the individual r/ship, makes so much more sense to me. i guess like you suggest its about evaluating the situation, and acting in the most respectful manor. i dont want to use him as a crutch, this is why i decided originally to break contact, to stand on my own feet and learn to deal with it inside. but that just made it worse for me. i know i probably couldn't ever actually go back to him, knowing what i know since, i am stronger for just standing up for what i believe a relationship should be, i dont think i need to lean on him anymore. im proud of that. but i do need to know that he's okay, i realize that i need to be considerate of his feelings too tho. i hope i manage to maintain a friend like you have with your ex, if he can cope with that. its seems like a very positive way of dealing with it. i have been very worried about him, when i broke contact he was very much sicking his head in the sand regarding the whole thing, after a month he hadnt told anyone. so i needed for him to have the distance from me to disconnect from "us" when he txted a few weeks ago, i knew he was still clinging to us. i have to say tho, that these past few days he seems so much better for it. he's back to his positive self, mostly. he's actually opened up to me a bit (he's very proud, and doesnt like to let ppl in) which was nice, i felt like i could help him, but still have enough distance for myself to cope Ms Crazy I can completely relate. I was the DUMPER and it has NOT been easy for me. He texted me apologizing admitting that he was in the wrong. Saying he knows we can't be together and that I have ALREADY given him too many chances. Him telling me he didn't want to end it in such a bad note after all the years we shared together. He told me I was funny beautiful smart a perfect 10 and that he is a fool. You know it hurts. Why then did he not show me?? It is very painful for me but I know it had to he done. We talked on the phone today for a little bit after NC for 3 weeks. He just wanted me to know that he understands why I did what I did and that he doesn't hate me for it. I am glad we actually cleared somethings up but the pain is still there. Maybe it was wrong that I called him but he thanked me for it afterwards. I have to learn how to be happy on my own... But I'm not sure if that's possible right now. It sucks either way. i complete know exactly where your at right now. its what lead me to start this thread! i needed to reach out and understand that others felt like this, with a whole load of guilt mixed in too. its so nice for your that you have been able to make sure he understands, and that he knows your were'nt being mean, you were just respecting yourself. i have to admit thats something id like also, but i wont push him, ive learnt that from everyone here. Ronni I think the "rule" is the same no matter which side one is on: be as kind and considerate as humanly possible. i think i will try to live by this, it means such sense, its mature and respectful to both parties. thank you anyway, its getting late here, so ill have to say night night, and thanks again to everyone. i do feel alot more positive that maybe i haven't ruined everything. thanks, hugs, fran
0hpenelope Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 here's my question tho, as the dumper(with good reason), do you reckon it was wrong to go back on my nc word? part of me feels a little like, im still only human and i deserve something, right now i dont know what atleast to know that he's doing okay is there anyone else out there that is trying to cope if the guilty feelings that go along side end a r/ship? any advice? Nope, nothing wrong with breaking NC. If your ex can handle hearing your voice again or you being in his life as a not-a-gf (whatever that entails), then he'll pick up the phone or respond to you no problem. If he can't and he realizes when time passes by that he's not okay, then you won't hear from him. And you know why. Dumpers and dumpees both hurt. The thing is, he has just as much freedom to not respond to you - just as you had the freedom to end things because you felt that ending the relationship was right for you. Different people handle things differently. "Pota-TOE" vs. "Po-tah-TOE." I hope you get the friendship that you want out of this. Turning something into a positive... Always a good thing.
0hpenelope Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 here's my question tho, as the dumper(with good reason), do you reckon it was wrong to go back on my nc word? part of me feels a little like, im still only human and i deserve something, right now i dont know what atleast to know that he's doing okay is there anyone else out there that is trying to cope if the guilty feelings that go along side end a r/ship? any advice? Nope, nothing wrong with breaking NC. If your ex can handle hearing your voice again or you being in his life as a not-a-gf (whatever that entails), then he'll pick up the phone or respond to you no problem. If he can't and he realizes when time passes by that he's not okay, then you won't hear from him. And you know why. Dumpers and dumpees both hurt. The thing is, he has just as much freedom to not respond to you - just as you had the freedom to end things because you felt that ending the relationship was right for you. When I do the dumping, it's a clean break. I don't offer the friendship, I don't do the "Maybe someday", but I've done the regretting part. I guess I'm not the dumper you want to hear from, from the context of your question. I've dealt with the whole "Well, if you really cared, then you would've at least offered to stay friends." Nope.. that's not quite right. There's actually no "right" or "wrong". Just "How do I deal in a way that is good for me and considerate and compassionate to him (her)? " But I agree with an earlier response: mutual kindness and respect. If he's okay with you, then slather your attention on him. If he's not okay with you... then give him his space. It's not black and white, the road is tricky... but you've been left before, too. So you understand where your ex is coming from. That's also a perspective that's important to maintain. Different people handle things differently. "Po-tay-TOE" vs. "Po-tah-TOE." I hope you get the friendship that you want out of this. Turning something into a positive... Always a good thing.
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