issues with parents and sister

[hopefulsoul]

hi i have some issues with my family that i cant discuss with anyone else.... i have an elder sister.. she is 3 yrs older than me... we both grew up together studied in the same school. now in school she was always more studious than me always got A grades and i was always getting average B grades... in my 10th standard i got a nervous breakdown as i felt i had to get A+ grades no one in my family pressurized me but i felt i had to do vv well. but i felt under confident and felt i couldn't do it. that yr my sis had topped the entire school in the 12th standard. after the 10th i stopped paying too much importance to studies...after school i took up fashion , she on the other hand took up architecture....was the top 3 students selected to go abroad... did her masters there got selected among the top 5 companies there ..now is getting promoted in her job and earning v well.

 

Circumstances happened such that after college my dad decided to start a fashion retail business for me.. i was very young then and didnt know what i was getting into... now my company has been making losses since the past 4 yrs... i know that if i can manage to turn it around it will be ok.

but my dads attitude towards me has changed.... whenever i talk business with him he gets irritated with me.... he dismisses all my ideas and acts as if i know nothing and tht i can do nothing properly... he doesnt say anything directly but his tone of voice and irritation say it all.

my sis has been coming to town more regularly as her company has work in our country, so she is here every month... my parents seem happier when she is around.... my dad respects and values her opinions and talks about the world etc with her.... my mother dotes on her and caters to all her smallest demands .. even when she isnt here they are contantly always talking to her on weekends or worrying about her. for instance if i ask my mom to do a small thing she'll forget about it.. but over the phone if my sis asks for something she'll make sure she gets it.

 

Whenever the 4 of us sit together ... we are ALWAYS talking about her life her friends her weight problems her company her work all the time!! and since i live at home with my parents im always doing things for the home... the car servicing, bank work,re uphostering the house etc... everything !

 

i just feel so over shadowed by her all the time whenever shes around... i cant have a normal relationship with her.. im so irritated and frustrated ... my mom knows how i feel she thinks im jealous of her so she also has issues with me... i just dont feel appreciated in my own home... i feel like running away somewhere... but going away means having to take a job and shutting my company .... n i dont want to do that cause ive worked so hard on my business so far..... i feel like im always doing things for my parents but they are always paying more attention to her... also whenever shes around .. i begin to feel useless and incompetent in comparision. she;s always being nice to me which irritates me even more.

 

how should i deal with my feelings ?

[Ronni_W]

Well, since 10th standard (or earlier), you have been comparing yourself to your sister and, IN YOUR OWN EYES, not measuring up. Now you are sort of transferring your feelings about yourself (useless, incompetent) and saying those are also your parents' feelings. If I had to guess, I would say it is not how they feel about you.

 

The three of you have gotten into a rut because you live together, and because you have not been assertive enough in expressing what you want and need from them (appreciation, etc.) Yes, they could be taking you for granted but also, that can only happen if you let it happen. How you allow others to treat you has NOTHING to do with your sister.

 

Your dad could be frustrated and irritated by HIS OWN inability to offer you sound business advice and help you grow your business -- about this matter, he could be feeling exactly the same as you, useless and incompetent. And, it's possible that he's just venting his self-irritation and dumping it on you.

 

The truth is that it does sound as if, over the years, you have developed feelings of jealousy towards your sister. It is perfectly normal given the pressure you've put on yourself. Sibling rivalry doesn't mean that you don't also love your sister and wish her well.

 

About your business, what are you planning to do? Have you considered hiring a business manager or business coach to help you and your dad develop some new plans? You could also tell your Dad that you understand he may be frustrated by the lack of business success but you nonetheless want to be successful and you will appreciate some help and guidance from him. (That is, take responsibility and a grown-up role in your relationships with both your Dad and your Mom.)

 

Have you told your parents that you feel under-appreciated? You ought not to drag your sister into this conversation, as she has nothing to do with how your parents treat you.

 

Have you tried to take your sister into your confidence by telling her that you're feeling somewhat low and inadequate these days? Have you thought to ask her for some guidance and support?

You could let her know how much you admire her, and that your admiration has turned into you always comparing yourself against her and coming out behind. You could tell her you'd love for her to teach you some of her secrets for confidence and success. You could ask her if/how you can help with her weight management or any other problems she may have. (That is, take a role of responsibility to become sisters again...and friends.)

 

It really feels as if you have unwittingly isolated yourself from your family, due to a long-ago idea that you had to be just like your sister in order to have your parents' love, respect and attention.

If I had to guess, your parents probably never ever entertained such an idea themselves.

 

It is a lot, I know. You may also want to consider professional counseling to help you sort out all the love-hate feelings that have accumulated over the years. Again, it was due to a decision that you made when you were young, in 10th standard or earlier. There was nothing "wrong or bad" about it.

But you do now need to make the decision to correct the effects of that long-ago, misguided decision as it is hurting you and your loved ones. Likely your low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence will also impact your friendships and other relationships down the road.

 

Best of luck.

[bubbles5]

You need to gain confidence and do well , its certain that ur sister is doing good since childhood till now so ur parents are more supportive to her , and thats why they neglect you , they are doing this because they think you are not as good as ur sister .All I can say is pay more attention to your work and do things that interest you ,there might be something you are much better than your sister, find your way out dont try to be like her , remember you also have TALENT which u have not reconginize yet.You need to PROVE that YOU ARE ALSO AS IMPORTANT AS UR SISTER BECAUSE YOU ARE ALSO PART OF YOUR FAMILY. Your dad wont talk cos of your losses in bussiness. You are not jealous from your sister its just that you are getting neglected in your family. Things can be better if you tell to a member of your family who would listen and understand you.

[GPFan]

Are you close to any of your friends' parents? If so, sit down with them and have a private candid conversation about your feelings. I am quite sure it will be eye-opening when you see and hear how outsiders view you. A frank and honest discussion with them will leave you feeling much better about yourself.

 

You do need a psychological break from your family. Spending quality time with others is one way of achieving that.

 

I wish you the very best.