Emotionally dependent MIL

[FlyingToaster]

Hello,

I actually have a post in the 'Separation and Divorce' category, I believe (Husband has emotional issues), but I haven't rec'd any responses. I think part of the reason was that it was too long and complicated. I'm going to try and break down some of the issues and possibly post them separately, if that is acceptable with this site.

 

The first one is my MIL. She depends on everybody else in the family to make her happy. Yes, she is older (87) and widowed, so I can understand some of her loneliness. However, she expects my H to visit her everyday when he's home from his job (every other week). He tries to go in at a set time that, according to him, has been established. There have been times where she'll re-schedule an appointment, and it will be during their usual visit. She doesn't tell him and he'll go in to see her and she'll be gone. When he comes back home, they'll eventually talk via the phone and if he doesn't plan on coming back in, she gets upset.

 

She also calls at least twice/day, and other times she leaves messages like:

 

"I couldn't get to the phone in time to answer and thought it might be you." (She has caller ID).

 

"Just wondering if you had heard from (insert sibling's name) today."

 

"Haven't heard from you yet today. Was wondering how you were doing."

 

She typically says these in a sad tone of voice.

 

My H then calls her and for the most part she's all chipper. Usually it's because somebody else has stopped by to occupy her time.

 

She wants us to keep her informed as to what our schedule is; where we're going, when we'll be coming back, etc. However, she doesn't do the same thing for us. My H almost left in the middle of the night from my parents' house to drive home because he couldn't get a hold of her at home or on her cell. My parents live 3 hours away.

 

She's always trying to bring the attention to her. Whenever somebody has a challenge in their life, she usually doesn't acknowledge it. Instead, she has one too that's usually worse. It's annoying, and I'm also starting to notice that in my husband. Yikes!

 

Also, anything that happening within the family she always talks about how it affects HER. An example, I had been pregnant before I had our son. At 20 weeks we found out that the fetus had died at 16 weeks. When we told her, she relayed this to my BIL and his wife. She said that it was very upsetting for her since it was the loss of a grandchild and that it would have been born close to her birthday. My BIL's wife asked how I was doing and she was speechless!

 

Things have changed a LITTLE bit since she's found a new companion to do things with, but what ticks me off is that she now treats us like chopped liver when he's around and then expects us to be there for her when he's not.

 

What makes this even more difficult to deal with is that my H tends to give in to her wishes. This leaves me and our son hanging sometimes because he's dropped everything to do her bidding.

 

My H is also very defensive about this. He doesn't think that this is a problem. I've told him that IMHO, his wife and child should come first, but he has a hard time with that.

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks

[porter218]

It sounds really annoying but something you should just deal with. She is old and probably is feeling vulnerable about her approaching death. Wouldn't you want your kids there for you at that age and hope their spouses supported that? She is only going to be around another 10 years or even less, maybe you should try to involve yourself some more. However being upset about her mourning the loss of your baby is a little bit petty on your end. Yes it was a horrible loss for you, but that doesn't diminish the fact it was the loss of a grandchild for her.

[FlyingToaster]

Let me give you more info about my MIL.

 

My husband is the youngest of 4. He has a twin (20 mins. older) and a sister and brother that are 14 and 12 years older respectively. My MIL was 40 when she gave birth to my H and his brother.

 

Even though his mother was the primary caregiver, his sister did A LOT because his mother couldn't for whatever reason. IMHO she was suffering from depression. For whatever reason, things just stayed that way. His sister went off to college, but their father brought her home every weekend to clean the house. Also, whenever the family went on vacation, his sister did the packing. To this day, my MIL finds packing for even a 3 day stay overwhelming.

 

Their father was always telling them as they were growing up to not do or say anything to upset their mother. When his sister had a miscarriage (actually an ectopic pregnanty), their mother stayed with her and her husband to help out and comfort, but instead his sister ended up doing that for her mother. For years after, her mother would call on the anniversary of the loss and cry, etc. Because of all of that, my SIL never told her about any of the other miscarriages she had. How sad is that that you can't share your grief with your own mother? Maybe it was petty for me to be upset about her mourning the loss, but any time I've dealt with a loved one suffering a loss, the first thing I do is comfort THEM. I handle my grief later.

 

I realize that I can get annoyed with other people's behavior a bit quickly at times, but where do you draw the line between 'putting up with it' and saying 'Look there's something not right here and action needs to be taken?'.

 

It would be nice to have my children available to help me as I advance in years, but NOT to the point of sacrificing the time they SHOULD be spending with their own families. Quite frankly, I would prefer that they didn't stay so close to 'the nest' and discover what the world has to offer them. I don't want them to cut short their exploration because they have in the back of their mind that they need to get back to tend to me.

 

Thanks

[porter218]

I absolutely agree that her behavior is immature, but she is very old. Do you honestly think she could change her behavior after almost 90 years of getting away with it. I really think you don't have much choice at this point. All I am saying is if you can't beat them, join them. Just make the best of it. Maybe it should be a family thing when your husband jumps at her every word, make it into time for all the family instead of time without your husband.

[FlyingToaster]

I'm glad that you do see that she is immature. I would choose the word unstable, myself.

 

I do join my DH to a degree. We invite my MIL and BIL and wife over regularly for supper, and I go along when we take our son in to see his grandma. However, I don't have the time to jump at her every word. If she had it her way, my son and I would be there every day like my husband. I don't why our son to think that he is responsible for her happiness.

 

For now, I just keep saying to myself that she's old and that it must be really tough to have everybody else control your happiness instead of yourself.

 

Thanks

[luvstarved]

FWIW, my MIL brought my son up to think he was always right, jumped when he said jump, up to and beyond the day he married me.

 

We live in their old house (his parents moved to condo, he lived with them until then, right up to age 38).

 

Now, she comes over almost every day. Stays with daughter while we work in the summer, and comes over to meet her off bus an hour before H gets home from work during school year.

 

This all sounds great and helpful.

 

BUT - she also, rearranges things in my house, does kids' chores that I have asked her not to do, cannot figure out how to work things and is constantly breaking stuff, slightly rinses crusty dishes and puts them back in the cabinets.

 

AND - if H wants to do a fun activity on weekend and I have to work, no problem! He, his mom and our daughter go off together.

 

Every summer, there are free concerts weekly and free movies weekly. I don't mind going sometimes but every week??? (mosquitoes, crappy local bands, other things to do). So, he and his mom go.

 

No plans for the weekend? No problem, she drops in unannounced and stays all friggin day sitting by the pool, telling my son how wonderful he is and agreeing with anything he says, even on the occasion that he is full of s**t.

 

She takes his ice skates to be sharpened, goes to his Sunday baseball league games, and no matter how inconvenient a request, tells him that his stuff is "more important"...whatever he asks, she gives.

 

She throws away important papers, goes through our mail and determines what is a keeper, responds when my kids yell for Mom, openly disagrees with me when I am disciplining kids. Calls daughter "the boss" tells her "whatever you want", treats her apparently like she treated and continues to treat her son.

 

Tells me about H's old girlfriends and how great they were.

 

H has an anger issue which everyone except he and she will acknowledge. She sides with him even so, and I get called difficult and unsupportive (even when he says vicious things).

 

His sister told me that MIL and H used to always talk at length about his sex life, and when our M was in sexless phase, she used to say things to me like, if the sex isn't good, cheating is right around the corner (like how did she know the sex "wasn't good"?)

 

He twice told me that he gets "sexual signals" from her, but then declined to explain, and later told me I was twisted for saying he said it.

 

When we have a fight, he runs to her and gets told he is right no matter what. My family lives over 500 miles so there is no counterargument ever. When my older daughters (his step) agree with me, it is because they just want something from me. When our bio daughter agrees with me, it is because she is trying to protect my obviously fragile ego. When non-family members call him on his anger, they are just jealous.

 

We fight mostly because I cannot give him the same treatment so I am always "mean" to him when I do not comply with his wishes, agree with him, or God forbid, make a tiny mistake in taking care of the entire household responsibilities. She never made him do anything for himself and he does not see why he should have to now.

 

Despite my attempts to forge some relationship with her, she once in the middle of a pleasant conversation said to me, if you ever go to divorce court, I am going to take his side, even if I have to lie to do it.

 

I did not mean to go on and on, but...just wanted to hammer home the point; it could be a lot worse.

 

Your sitch sounds annoying but she is pretty old and lonely and obviously screwed up. I try my best to think that my MIL is just a little screwy and most days get along with her fine and grit my teeth while boundaries are being violated left and right.

 

I agree with posters who say that there isn't anything that you can do other than try to temper your reaction to it for your own sake and live with while you must.

[FlyingToaster]

Sorry to hear about your situation, lustarved. Yes, I realize that things could be worse. I guess it all depends on what you are willing to put up with. So, I want to ask you. Why DO you put up with all of that? Does your H ever tell you he loves you?

 

How do your kids feel about the whole situation? Do you keep quiet about your feelings towards your MIL when around them? Do they know how it affects you? How have you changed since you've been dealing with this?

 

I'm not trying to get you upset. I just can't imagine why anyone would put up with THAT MUCH. You have the tolerance of a saint.

 

I used to be a fun-loving person. Actually, I still am, but not nearly as much now and especially not around my H and his family. I've accepted the fact that they just don't get me, but I don't have any resources around to allow me to be the person I once was. I'm constantly 'putting up with it', and I'm afraid of losing my identity.

 

Any good books on dealing with this kind of crap?

 

Take care

[luvstarved]

FlyingToaster, I stay because I actually do love my husband, feel that I understand the dynamic pretty clearly, feel it is his mother who brought all this about, and that it was in turn her father that brought it all about, etc. I stay because my husband tries and wants to be the man that he claims to be...I stay because I am stubborn and hope that some day there will be a breakthrough...

 

And yes there is a name for it and yes there are books and articles. Google "emotional incest". There is a book on the subject that I have held in my hand several times at the bookstore, but the title made me afraid to take it home. I will one day...I have a limit and expect it will eventually be reached.

 

I can so relate to the feeling of losing your identity. I feel this way too and having everyone around you tell you that YOU are the one whose thinking is 'off' is exacerbating at best. Especially when it is so (*&%^$ untrue!!! LOL!

 

AND I have thought about what you described...that, hell, I too was always a very funny, relaxed, fun-loving person, and in some situations I still am. My boss recently told me I was one of the most even and calm people he had ever known! My H would not say that about me now! When the company prez met my H, the first thing the prez told my H that I wrote the funniest emails he had ever read.

 

That was an important realization to me - you already knew it but somehow I just let it happen without acknowledging it, letting myself become someone else, at home at least. And I realized that I really do not want to be angry and stressed all the time by this stuff.

 

So, I very recently (last week or so) decided that I was going to try to work with the reality that I have...and get myself back in the process. What I mean is, we all know the cliche about how you can't control other people, only your reaction to them...but very few of us really operate that way. That is how I intend to try to operate. I am going to remember who I really am, and not join in when he tries to push my buttons and get me riled up, only to then turn around and try to say that I am the one with issues. Ef that!!

 

Honestly, to this point, this approach isn't being met with a great reaction from my H (tonight my failure to join his anger made him angrier!). But...that does not daunt me.

 

I don't know if it will have a positive impact on the family dynamic, but I am convinced at this point that it will have a positive impact on me.

Time will tell if it is truly helpful, or if I can really manage to stick to it.

 

I can tell you it does feel immensely better to me to be sitting here relatively relaxed vs stewing over his behavior, or worse, engaged in a pointless rancorous exchange in which he isn't even hearing me.

 

One thing I consistently am is verbose. I again did not mean to go on so long and not trying to hijack your thread. I really feel that we have a lot in common circumstantially and just thought there might be something helpful in what I was TRYING to say, anyway.

 

I do empathize and wish you a lot of luck. I do believe you can only work on your own side of it, and I hope that you find a comfort zone for the real you...!!!!

[FlyingToaster]

Hey luvstarved. I just realized that I misread your username before and called you lustarved. Oops! Sorry.

 

Yes, I've heard the same thing about the only person you can change is yourself. I'm working on that as well. In the past when my husband would throw one of his fits or have an episode of irrational thinking, I would retreat and practically cower away from him for a few days. My low self-esteem led me to believe that I was completely responsible for his outbursts. Now I'm getting to the point where I'm fighting back by countering some of his ridiculous accusations. It's a challenge because it's so much easier (and less confrontational) to do what has been safe for me, and I get such huge knots in my stomach when he gets that way, but I'm getting tired of thinking I'm nothing but crap. I do think it's making him think things through a little more.

 

Here's a couple examples:

 

We've been going back and forth about moving; we really need to and I want to but he doesn't (see this post - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t154691). One of the reasons he came up with not wanting to move is that my mom had mentioned in a conversation that my sister's old high school sweetheart would threaten to beat up guys that so much as looked at her. He interpreted that as our son was going to encounter nothing but bullies if he were to grow up in my hometown.

 

Second example:

We decided to go out of town for a couple of days to celebrate our anniversary. Since we don't have a lot of good places to eat where we live, I wanted to go to The Cheesecake Factory, and I also wanted to take our 22 month old son to Rainforest Cafe for the atmosphere (he loves looking at fish). The night before we're suppose to leave he gets all pissy at bedtime. He says that he doesn't want to go because we'll just stuff our faces. I'm slightly overweight, as are my parents and I know this was triggered by the couple of big meals we had that day. Also, his twin brother talks of his wife's morbidly obese kids and how they go out to eat with their dad to where else, but The Cheesecake Factory and stuff their faces and then bring huge desserts home and eat them the same night. I just rolled over away from him in bed. Later on that night, we're both awake and he says, "You're ruining me." I tell him that if he doesn't like that I cook and bake wonderful things, then he doesn't have to eat them, and if he has such a problem with what I eat, I'll just stop eating in front of him and he can eat alone. This happened at my parents' house so he then said that he was going to head back home the next morning and I said that would be fine. The next morning we started to talk things over and I had set in my mind that I wasn't going to head back home for awhile. Since he was still planning on going home, he asked me what I was going to do while he was away. I told him of some long-term projects. He asked me, "How long are you going to stay here?" I told him I didn't know. A while later, he said, "Maybe I should stay so we can look at houses."

 

Again, I'm rambling away. Hopefully that gives you a little insight on my husband's over-active imagination. I have plenty more examples, if you need them.

 

I swear, so many times I listen to him and I'm thinking, "WTF?" Sometimes I find myself concerned about what I or my parents might say that could possibly trigger his irrational thoughts, and think that maybe I shouldn't say them or ask my parents not to bring it up. Then I'll remind myself that that is exactly what his father would tell my H and his siblings to protect their mother. I'm wondering if this is where he gets this warped way of thinking. If that's the case, then I want to break the cycle and have it end with my H. I don't want our son thinking he has to bottle up his feelings, etc. just so that his father won't get upset.

 

It's late. I need some sleep. Best to you in your struggle to maintain your identity as well. Keep me updated, if you feel so inclined.

 

Take care

[TCatherine]

Wow those are good stories... just when you think your own MIL is a nut you read someone elses situation and you realize it's not so bad!!! (lol)

 

My husband's mom is a very over-emotional woman with no self-control regarding gossip, insults, "helpful advice" etc. I thought she was charming at first, annoying once I was married, and drew the line once my first child was born. She was buying second hand cribs, bassinettes, blankets, toys.. I said to my husband.. "she knows the baby is going to live with us, right?"

 

I am lucky she is not quite as old as your MIL, nor is she widowed. (Knock on wood). Also, we moved further away, now it's over an hour to their place, so visits are less... phonecalls are also less. I also have call display so I can choose to skip the call if I wanted to. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.. i got entirely by my mood and if I think I have the patience for it. Definitely invest in call display if you don't have it.... Let it ring or shout out "your mom's on the phone" (that is what I do).

 

Anyway, I wont go on because you both have me beat by a long shot. I think that your MIL is very old, lonely, and let's face it.. nothing is going to change. She is much too old and set in her ways. I think you have shown considerable tolerance, just be as patient with it and tolerant as you can, and let it be your husband's responsibility, not yours. My MIL has been trying to control me for years, I just smile and agree and stay out of it. I have seen enough damage to the other family members and their families to know it's for the best. By keeping my kids away from her except at family functions and the occasional visit, I am actually doing her a favour, as the other (older) grandkids all want nothing to do with her.

 

Personally, I would never have survived my MIL without occasional get togethers with my husbands other siblings. The winks and nudges at big family events also make it tolerable. I can now smile and be amused at her behavior, but wow did it ever used to get me going!!! If you can also try to do that, take a step back, vent where and when you can, (but not to your husband) and eventually maybe you will start to see her as a funny old bird and not as harmful or threatening.

 

I know it's difficult because I sometimes also get caught up in noticing how my husband behaves and can attribute it to how she is.. sometimes it makes me understand why he is the way he is.. other times, it just pisses me off...

 

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for sharing your MIL issues, TCatherine, and thank you for taking the time to read about ours. You are right in that even though all of our situations are tough for us, so many others out there have us beat.

 

I actually do have Caller ID, and I make good use of it. When my H is home and MIL calls, I let him answer. When he’s working (he’s gone completely every other week), and I’m home, I let the answering machine pick up. Her timing sucks and I’m usually doing something that I don’t want to leave to get the phone. The other alternative is that I head 3 hours north to my parents. She never tries to get a hold of me when I’m there.

 

On average, my MIL calls about 3 times per day. Her first call is in the morning, sometimes before 8, which drives me nuts. The second call is either late morning or early afternoon and it’s usually about whether my H’s twin brother has called him, or called her, or called neither of them. Her third call is usually about 2 – 3 hours after my H has visited her.

 

In general, my H’s family talks to each other more than what my family does. At first, it used to upset me because I thought I was jealous thinking that his family was closer. But as I’ve observed over the past couple years, they really aren’t, and what bothers me is that they’re such hypocrites. If one hurts the other, they can’t talk about it. My H certainly can’t tell his mom when she does something that upsets him. They all just let it fester until they explode. When something needs to be said in my family, it’s said and things are worked out. Also, I’d like to also believe that my family doesn’t call each other as much because WE all HAVE A LIFE!!!!

 

My SIL understands what I’m dealing with. She had to do a lot of what my MIL should have been doing when she was growing up. About 18 months ago my MIL had hip surgery and all the siblings were together. One evening, my SIL was talking to my H and his twin. She told them to be sure to take care of their families before their mother because she will, and I quote, “Suck the life right out of you.” I was so happy to hear her say that, but it fell short on my H’s ears. Even though he knew she was right, he and his brothers don’t like having big sis tell them what to do, and they feel that she is always ready to put their mom in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home.

 

My H’s older brother’s wife (let’s call her Betty) deals with similar problems. My BIL is home only 2 days out of each week, and it’s nothing for MIL to stop by unannounced or to have BIL over at her house most of time. As much as I can sympathize with her, she’s always complaining about the situation, and it gets to be toxic. When they all come out for supper, she’s usually the first one in the house and she has some complaint. When we talk on the phone (usually her calling me, an on the rare occasion that I answer her calls as well), she talks about how manipulative, etc. she is. I’ll never forget the time my H’s twin and his now ex-wife came to visit. They stayed at my MIL’s and once they got there, we as well H’s older brother and Betty came over to say hello and see their kids. The minute she got there, Betty sat down next to his wife and started in on what MIL did recently. I was floored. She couldn’t even let them relax before she got in her complaints.

 

So that’s why I don’t talk to my H’s side of the family about the MIL. I’m fortunate to be able to vent to my family. At least they’re able to validate my feelings, and, unlike talking to Betty, I don’t feel like I’m in a pi$$ing contest.

 

It’s also nice to have the LS community to commiserate with as well.

 

 

Take Care

[luvstarved]

 

In general, my H’s family talks to each other more than what my family does. At first, it used to upset me because I thought I was jealous thinking that his family was closer. But as I’ve observed over the past couple years, they really aren’t, and what bothers me is that they’re such hypocrites. If one hurts the other, they can’t talk about it. My H certainly can’t tell his mom when she does something that upsets him. They all just let it fester until they explode. When something needs to be said in my family, it’s said and things are worked out. Also, I’d like to also believe that my family doesn’t call each other as much because WE all HAVE A LIFE!!!!

 

AMEN sistah! Yes his family is more in touch than mine too but I was never jealous of it because by the time I noticed it I had already realized that it was mostly superficial crap. Every family get together, I have the "honor" of being the hostess, meaning I get to buy and cook and clean for everyone, while they sit around and really talk about NOTHING. Was funny, H and I just redid our kitchen, it was 40 years old and disgusting and now it is really state of the art and fab if I do say so myself...and I joked to my daughter that my SIL would come in and say precisely, "oh it's niiiiiiiiiiice, it's really niiiiiiiice", no more no less...then on to profound topics like the weather...and I was right.

 

But everything has to be "pleasant", MIL is kinda Miss Sunshine that way, though will turn if I say anything negative about her "blood". First day I met her H bellowed at her to "come clean the toilet,JESUS!!" to which she complied...I told my H later that if I had said that to my mother she would have told me to kiss her ass and clean it myself and then lit into me later privately for embarrassing her like that!!

 

I don't know, my family does not talk that much but it does seem we are more "real" and I miss that. H takes great offense at ANY suggestion that he is less than perfect and I know Mom gave him that...

 

But, once and only once I talked to his sister for about an hour, H had pissed her off and she called me and she shocked me with a long tirade about how the R between him and Mom had always been considered "weird" by the entire rest of the family and that everybody also know what an a**hole my H could be and she mentioned nearly everyone by name and saying that they all thought so. I have thought about calling her back and trying to get more info but...just never have time or opportunity...

 

You know though that it seems to be the females who have the biggest problem with these MIL situations. The stereotype is the poor male and his hypercritical MIL but I hear a lot more complaints from females about theirs. I also notice that men tend to live closer to home than females as adult children of matriarchs...

 

There is no doubt in my mind that a lot of men, my H included, are perfectly happy to have this kind of interference in their lives and have some sort of transcendental bond with their mommies that makes it very hard for them to think or even feel critically toward them. And why should they? Mommy has served them well! So maybe there is some of that in your H's inability to really relate to your feelings about your MIL.

 

On the other hand, though, I do imagine myself old and alone and not knowing what to do with myself...I would like to think I will maintain a "life" and not burden my kids, but it is something I can relate to. My mom lost her son then 2 years later her husband then 1 year later her granddaughter moved out then 1 year later her beloved dog died then 6 months later her best friend died. So she went from a lively household and lots to do to virtual solitude (another brother lives with her but stays holed up in his room or is at work and does not interact with her much).

Seeing that expanding loneliness does make me have some empathy for that situation...and I know my MIL will probably lose her H within next two years as things are looking and that I will eventually be faced with being her caretaker (because why should H do it? LOL)

 

So I try to think that I will try to give what I would want to get and in the meantime just grit my teeth and vent once in a while...

 

I was reading about "emotional incest" the other day and the scariest thing i read was that sometimes overly involved mother-son relationships will persist beyond the grave (Mom just moves on to true sainthood) and that men in that case NEVER learn to have healthy romantic relationships. GA-REAT!!!

 

Anyway is good to get on and vent here!!!

[FlyingToaster]

We have a lot in common, luvstarved. I LOVE to cook and I'm jealous that you have a nice kitchen. I've wanted one for sooooo long. Right now I'm trying to get my husband to move (I mentioned that in an earlier post). We definitely need more room overall, but it would be nice to have a bigger kitchen. I have so many appliances, etc. that I need a big space to store and utilize them. For now, I just shift things around and H gets peeved 'cause they're always in the way.

 

I am hostess quite often, also. We have a big cookout coming up the end of July which we host. There have been times where MIL will volunteer to make something, and then it never gets done. Last year she said she wanted to make this jello type of salad and I said it would be best to bring it on a particular day. She instead brought it the next day. Nobody touched her salad.

 

Yes, their conversations are pretty superficial as well. Since they have quite a few pilots in the family the men usually talk about all things aviation. It's nice that they can talk, but it pretty much leaves the non-pilots kind of hanging. They also get on the topic of all the different families in their small town and who's married to who, etc. Again, nothing that I can relate to. Then BIL's wife Betty brings up something totally off the wall. Just to give you an idea about her - last year was my SIL's 60th birthday. We all headed down to where she lives. My H's twin brought his then girlfriend, now wife. This was the first time we had all met her. They happened to be staying at the same place that BIL and Betty were staying and so they ended up having breakfast together. Instead of asking questions to try and get to know one another, Betty starts going on about their middle son's issue with trying to have legal action taken on a woman that keyed his truck the summer before! When we heard that, we just rolled our eyes. During every conversation we had with her that issue was always brought up (it's been resolved so we can now all breathe easy).

 

What gets to be depressing is how lonely I tend to feel when around them. Like I said before, no one really gets me; I have such different interests than them. Before our son was born, I played in a semi-professional orchestra (I studied the Clarinet in college). I would always get them free tickets to our performances, but their attendance was hit or miss. Not that I expect them to go to every concert, but it's sometimes hard to have them want me to take interest in what they have going on and not have it reciprocated. I took a year long sabbatical after our son was born, and then regretfully decided to step down. It was very hard for me, but I did it because my husband's start time for his job is never consistent and sometimes it would be so early in the morning that he would have to leave the night before, which was when I would have rehearsal. Also, I just don't like the negativity that my BIL and Betty have with each other and it just radiates onto everybody else so I didn't want our son around that if they watched him. Plus, my husband really cannot take care of him. So often he starts spacing off, and those have been the times when our son has gotten hurt. Other times, H will start to play with him and then 5 minutes later he's off trying to look something up on the Internet. Plus, I know it's a bit petty on my part, but I just know that if my H had to take care of him for a long time, he would eventually take him to his mother's or brother's and again be distracted by something/someone else and not really watch him. I guess that comes with his family not being very close. They can't really interact with each other so how could he even do that with his own son? Isn't that sad?

 

I feel so sorry for your mother, and yes, it does make you think about how you yourself will handle those things when they happen to you. I can empathize when my H talks about having only one living parent, but I still really feel that we're putting our lives on hold until his mother passes away. And now that you've brought up the 'worshipping beyond the grave' possibility, I may never get away from her. In all seriousness, I have thought about what would happen when MIL passes away. I know my H will most likely replace her with somebody else in the family. I just have to decide if I can live with that as well.

 

It was good to hear from you, luvstarved. Feel free to vent anytime.

 

Take Care

[TCatherine]

lol... guess what? my MIL is in the hospital right now having hip surgery, for the second time. To make a long story short, the first time she had it, the sons did not call her on the first day. On the second day, my H and I, his brother and wife all went there.. and she flipped out and yelled at all of us for 1/2 hour. This time, hubby will go visit alone.

 

She has been described as a control freak, matriarch, and various forms of the word "crazy". Sounds like you do have to watch the chatter with the in-laws. I am lucky that the whole family is sort of "in" on my MIL so she is odd man out. We all smile, pretend, and get the hell out!

 

Sometimes I feel bad at the lack of meaningfulness that is in her life. It's all a phony sham, getting the members who do not get along together in the family photo and getting totally pissed off at my young sons for not raving over the dish she prepared for them. Again, best thing I do is just back away, look at it from afar, like it's an amusing story.

 

Definitely vent here and wherever else you can find support.. so that you KNOW it's not YOU. I am so over the drama these days, but also I am lucky that my H is less interested in answering her phonecalls than I am.

 

(although, their poor relationship has certainly affected ours!)

 

I hope that your hubbies will know who to choose when the time comes. Last Spring, when an older uncle died on their side of the family, my husband attended the funeral and I did not.. i stayed home with the kids. It never occurred to me to go! At the Easter get-together, my MIL snipped and snapped at me for about 1/2 an hour before she piped up (in front of my kids) and dramatically asked me if it was "customary in my family to call when someone in the family died" and I was flabbergasted. To be honest, we are the type of family that would say "hey, sorry" and maybe a hug, maybe not depending on who it is, then we would move on. Anyway, I am happy to report that my husband jumped to my defense and ordered her out of the room. Really made it clear that he was not going to put up with that s*&!T and although we have our problems, his loyalty will certainly stay with me.

 

I cannot imagine life for us all if the DIL goes first... she is a handful, but you ladies certainly do have your hands full. 3x a day phonecalls.. wow. I cannot even imagine!!! Regardless of how composed you can be with that, it's very offensive for her to intrude on your life that constantly. I hope you have ways of dealing with your stress!! Mine only calls about once a month or every 2 weeks, and even then I see the name and I am annoyed. I guess I am one of the lucky ones!!!

 

I agree, there are certainly lots of MIL stories out there.. I know plenty. My mother is a doll, my husband is certainly lucky there!!

[FlyingToaster]

Hey TCatherine. Not to start a pi$$ing contest, but the most recent hip issue my MIL had started just 10 days after our son was born (he's going to be 2 in July). I just shake my head the way it all came about. Because she's as old as she is, she thinks she has to save money any way she can. One of the things she does is as she running the water for her shower, she holds milk jugs under the faucet and fills them up until the water is warm. She saves these to water her plants. Anyway, as she was moving some of them, she lost her footing and fell and shattered her left hip. I can't imagine the pain. She had surgery immediately after the fall, and that was to basically pin all the bones together. Then about 6 months later she actually had the hip replaced because her osteoporosis was so bad the ball joint was caving in on itself.

 

Everybody came together for her surgery. The first time though, some of them were expecting me to bring our son into her hospital room. I was very adamant that I was not going to take him there. It sucked also because she was in a hospital about 24 miles away and my H always seemed to go and visit her when I needed him at home the most.

 

You're very fortunate to have your husband there to defend you when your MIL gets to be too much. My MIL isn't snippy like yours, she just plays the 'poor little ol' me' routine. Besides, with the dynamics of that family, my H wouldn't have the balls to let her know when she's asking too much. I usually try to assert myself when my H is at work. We celebrated Mother's Day early since he was going to be working that day. I was looking forward to spending the day with just my son. My MIL called and wanted to go out to eat. I declined telling her the truth; I just want to be alone and celebrate my Mother's Day the way I wanted to. It may have been selfish, but I know that this was all about her, in her mind.

 

I'd better get going. I've been watching my parents' house while they've been on vacation, and my sister just brought them back. Need to welcome them.

 

Take Care

[TCatherine]

I think a Pi$$ing contest is a great idea. lol. There must be something therapeutic about saying "oh ya, well my MIL did this" (ha ha)

 

It is great that you stick up for yourself and your time. It's important.. no matter how much everyone else tip-toes around her, bottom line is it's all about control.

 

I find my MIL much easier to deal with these days, since over the last 10 years, i have set boundries. At her house, I am quiet and polite... when she is at mine, she is very well behaved. We have reached an understanding, I think. We remain comfortably distant, and it's just great.

 

You are so right.. i am definitely lucky to have my H on my team, i appreciate all your story sharing because it makes me see that. And I hope you can see the amusing aspects of your stories, I can't help but see them when I read your words, but sometimes it takes a bit longer to find your own crazy, controlling MIL amusing!!!

[silktricks]

My MIL used to get along great. She would tell me I was her favorite DIL (big laugh there - as I was her only one at that point.... and also am now) but we really did do fine together.

 

Then one day......

 

something happened. I have NO clue what it was, but the worm turned.

 

She no longer accepts invitations to lunch with me, nor do she and her husband (her boys step-dad) come to our house for dinner anymore. She treats me pretty much as if I do not exist and my husband (who was always her favorite) never seems to do anything good enough for her. Whenever the family is together she'll talk endlessly of whichever son is NOT there, going on and on about how fun everything would be if only HE were there.

 

My H is the only one of her children (all boys) who is still married. One son - never married, visits Mom every friggin' day. She cooks for him, shares food off her plate with him - they act like lovers for cryin' out loud - . Son 2 has been married like 4 times, each time to a woman who is mean - and each a little meaner than the last... Son 3 was married, got caught cheating on his wife and she left him. MIL talks endlessly about how the former DIL deserved to be cheated on... not sure why... probably just because it was her son cheating.

 

My husband says that she's just a jealous old shrew who wants everyone to dance in attendance on her. That she's jealous because we're doing really well, when what she wants is all her boys centered on her. You'd think she'd want them happy, but I think she only wants them happy if they are happily doting upon her...

 

Thanks, I needed that!

[FlyingToaster]

Nice to hear from the two of you. Silktricks, feel free to vent anytime. Maybe LS should creat a forum for MIL issues (lol). I also like your signature quote. Very true.

 

It does sound like your MIL can't be happy for anybody else, and is only happy herself when everyone else is miserable. Kind of sad, isn't it?

 

It's good your husband can see her for what she is, and I'm happy that you two get along so well. It's those things that get you through any rough patches you will have.

 

TCatherine, I'm glad you didn't think I was competin' with 'ya on the MIL stories. I've got some classic ones that will probably come up as long as we keep this going. Feel free to share any others you might have.

 

Take Care