EMBeee Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Why is it that when I was with my abusive ex.... I didn't mind staying home and wasn't bored and always found things to do... even though I was unhappy with him because of the way he treated me. So I left him knowing that it was the only thing that I could do for myself to finally be happy for once and try to make the most of my life... I now find myself bored out of my mind, unhappy, trying to look for things to do, always having panic attacks because of the feeling of lonliness, not feeling worth anything, I don't even want to watch a movie anymore because all of the things I took an interest in no longer interests me. I know that leaving him was the best thing I could do for me and the girls and for the long term view of my life ahead, but damn, I am really lonely and feel like I have nothing to lose anymore. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope and try to live day to day? Some days for me are good while others (like today) are driving me up the wall.
Author EMBeee Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I feel so self-destructive... I am seeing a therapist and thought I was getting better but today I am feeling more angry than anything, not sad, just really mad. I haven't smoked in over 6 years and now I want to smoke again, in fact I had one the other day... it felt good to calm the nerves but made me so pissed off that I let an abusive jerk ruin my life. I have no money because of him, I started smoking again because of him, I have no life because of him , and now I'm stuck in this hell hole of a town because of him. Don't get me wrong, I can leave anytime I please because I have full legal custody of the kids and he has none... but i don't leave because once again, he's the rope around my ankle that keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into the water no matter how hard I tread to the top. He's always gonna be in my life... The person that I hate so much, all the crap he put me through, the beatings I withheld, the verbal/mental abuse, the sexual abuse, his control over me.... he's ALWAYS gonna be in my life because we have kids together... I can't stand that. I am so angry right now that I cannot break free from his grasp.... I feel so hopeless!!!! I love my girls but I also feel that they would be better off without him... but they love him and I can't take that away from them. The mental/verbal abuse still goes on to this day. I can't take it anymore. As lonely as I am, I feel like I want to be alone. At least right now... I wish he was out of my life! I know I'm sounding selfish, but if you only knew half the hell he put me through.... there could be a movie about my life. I want to get tattoos... I want to go have some drinks... I want to have my blood drawn - and I HATE needles.... I just wish that the pain would end. Feeling physical pain will help get my mind off of it... and no I am NOT a cutter.
kizik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 The reason you were happy, even though you were unhappy, is because love is a drug that keeps us high all the time. Now that your security blanket has been pulled off you, you don't know where you are or who you are and it's like you feel dead. (At least this is how it is / was for me.) You're going through depression and apathy because your life is DIFFERENT. Just know that you will feel more normal with time. Same for me about some days being OK and others being awful. There's no pattern to it, and there will be many curveballs thrown our way. Get out there, hang with buddies. Do things you don't feel like doing and you'll thank yourself. Now, for my f*cking homework tonight...
0hpenelope Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Yeah, it's a roller coaster. Recovery's freakin' hard, but not too hard. Feeling free at the end is what makes all of this pain worth it. I don't like feeling the pain, so I do force myself to find things to do. Origami? Heck yes! I'd rather fold paper than get caught up in memories of someone who isn't in my life anymore.
Author EMBeee Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 I do try to force myself to do things. It has helped a great deal! But then when I am lying in bed at night or when there is no one available to do anything with... My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and then the memory doors that I had shut and tried keeping shut open up and then I feel sad again... because even though I was so unhappy with the abuser, I was comfortable... I miss my home, I miss my bed, I miss my couch, I miss my pets, I miss my car... I miss my "family" life... I miss the trips to the grocery store, I miss the trips to the family restaurants, I miss our little family vacations, I miss being able to go tanning in my back yard watching the girls play in the yard, I miss the holidays together, I miss Christmas and wrapping the presents and pretending to be santa... I miss ALL of that but I DO NOT miss him or the way he treated me. If he had only treated me like a human being, I might still be there. I feel like he did this to me and I had no other choice but to give it all up. What a HUGE sacrifice I made in order to be able to "live" my life. But doing all of that I feel like I gave up everything. I have such a deep resentment towards him. I hate him for doing this to me. I know I will NEVER go back to him and I can no longer look back... I have burned my bridges with him because he didn't treat me well -- more like a dirt rug... but it hurts... All I gotta say is I commend anybody -- ANYBODY who has sacrificed alot in order to show the other person that they are worth more than being treated like dirt. It's hard... DAMN hard!
0hpenelope Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 The only thing that we can do, really, is to keep going, you know? I think it's ok to indulge in some self-pity. But not too much.
Nevermind Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 It is very hard. And nobody can really help you with this. I think it is important for you to find out who you are. I went through something a little similar, but less intense (only 2 year relationship). You need to find out what makes you think, what makes you happy, what you want. Make a movie marathon with friends - let them bring favourite movies and watch them all together. See which ones you like and which ones you dislike. Ask for help from your family and friends, they could take you to concerts they like and to a restaurant they discovered. Have a coffee in a nice place - all by yourself. Etc. Take your time. I am thinking about doing the Way of St James this summer. Not as a religious experience, but it sure would bring my mind to focus on me and what I really want and need. Since I started thinking about it, I feel much better. It's a plan, a project - something our exes do not even play the faintest role in, so it's our's.
borelandkaren Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I feel so self-destructive... I am seeing a therapist and thought I was getting better but today I am feeling more angry than anything, not sad, just really mad. I haven't smoked in over 6 years and now I want to smoke again, in fact I had one the other day... it felt good to calm the nerves but made me so pissed off that I let an abusive jerk ruin my life. I have no money because of him, I started smoking again because of him, I have no life because of him , and now I'm stuck in this hell hole of a town because of him. Don't get me wrong, I can leave anytime I please because I have full legal custody of the kids and he has none... but i don't leave because once again, he's the rope around my ankle that keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into the water no matter how hard I tread to the top. He's always gonna be in my life... The person that I hate so much, all the crap he put me through, the beatings I withheld, the verbal/mental abuse, the sexual abuse, his control over me.... he's ALWAYS gonna be in my life because we have kids together... I can't stand that. I am so angry right now that I cannot break free from his grasp.... I feel so hopeless!!!! I love my girls but I also feel that they would be better off without him... but they love him and I can't take that away from them. The mental/verbal abuse still goes on to this day. I can't take it anymore. As lonely as I am, I feel like I want to be alone. At least right now... I wish he was out of my life! I know I'm sounding selfish, but if you only knew half the hell he put me through.... there could be a movie about my life. I want to get tattoos... I want to go have some drinks... I want to have my blood drawn - and I HATE needles.... I just wish that the pain would end. Feeling physical pain will help get my mind off of it... and no I am NOT a cutter. OK. Where do I start? Honey, you and I could have been living the same life by the sounds of things. I have been gone for 3 months now and only now am I beginning to feel some semblance of normalcy. I understand the hell he put you through, darl and also had to leave EVERYTHING! I was abused for 5 1/2 years, sexually, emotionally but not physically and that's only because he's a coward who knew I'd retaliate. Now, I do understand how it is for you.Stick with the counsellor. YOU REALLY NEED TO DO THIS!!!!! My ex's auntie suggested this to me and I thought that it would do nothing. I was wrong. You need to talk to a domestic violence counsellor about all of this. I still at this point feel really bitter about everything I've had to leave and the fact that HE had to make no changes at all. I had to leave the state, my son, my friends (not that I had many because he socially isolated me at all times), my dog, my chooks. I'm starting to get the **** over all of this but it's taken a herculean effort on my part, counselling, lots of walking, family,catching up with old friends. Spend as much time with your daughters as you can and remind yourself every minute of the fact that they are the good things that came out of a bad relationship. If you have to, get a restraining order against him. Your daughters will work out that dad's not a healthy person eventually and sort out their own feelings about him. Don't put up with any **** from him anymore. I fought everything my ex did at the end, to the letter of the law. Every time he turned around, the police were on his doorstep. If this is how it has to be for you, then so be it. The bullying stops if you make it stop. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself. You've only got one you. My ex was a complete b@stard. He is a rapist, paedophile, bully, etc, etc. I could go on. Stop it in it's tracks now. Force yourself (and I know how hard it is) to do the things you did before. Eventually, it comes naturally once again. We're human beings. Resilience is what we're made of.:)
Author EMBeee Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 OK. Where do I start? Honey, you and I could have been living the same life by the sounds of things. I have been gone for 3 months now and only now am I beginning to feel some semblance of normalcy. I understand the hell he put you through, darl and also had to leave EVERYTHING! I was abused for 5 1/2 years, sexually, emotionally but not physically and that's only because he's a coward who knew I'd retaliate. Now, I do understand how it is for you.Stick with the counsellor. YOU REALLY NEED TO DO THIS!!!!! My ex's auntie suggested this to me and I thought that it would do nothing. I was wrong. You need to talk to a domestic violence counsellor about all of this. I still at this point feel really bitter about everything I've had to leave and the fact that HE had to make no changes at all. I had to leave the state, my son, my friends (not that I had many because he socially isolated me at all times), my dog, my chooks. I'm starting to get the **** over all of this but it's taken a herculean effort on my part, counselling, lots of walking, family,catching up with old friends. Spend as much time with your daughters as you can and remind yourself every minute of the fact that they are the good things that came out of a bad relationship. If you have to, get a restraining order against him. Your daughters will work out that dad's not a healthy person eventually and sort out their own feelings about him. Don't put up with any **** from him anymore. I fought everything my ex did at the end, to the letter of the law. Every time he turned around, the police were on his doorstep. If this is how it has to be for you, then so be it. The bullying stops if you make it stop. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself. You've only got one you. My ex was a complete b@stard. He is a rapist, paedophile, bully, etc, etc. I could go on. Stop it in it's tracks now. Force yourself (and I know how hard it is) to do the things you did before. Eventually, it comes naturally once again. We're human beings. Resilience is what we're made of.:) Wow, that does sound similar to me in ways! I've been away from him now for 5 months and yes he does have EVERYTHING! I too have no friends to lean on because he socially kept me from all of them for 10 long years. He made sure that ANYBODY I had a relationship with being family or friends he was to make sure that I had nothing with them. He even went to extremes to accuse me of sleeping with my cousins! I want to move to another state... I NEED to get away from him and here. There's nothing here for me or my girls. This place is a ghost town and we have no one here -- just my parents... no one else! It's a sad depressing place. And he's only blocks away! Which makes it worse because I don't want to see his face... he brings me down!
borelandkaren Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Wow, that does sound similar to me in ways! I've been away from him now for 5 months and yes he does have EVERYTHING! I too have no friends to lean on because he socially kept me from all of them for 10 long years. He made sure that ANYBODY I had a relationship with being family or friends he was to make sure that I had nothing with them. He even went to extremes to accuse me of sleeping with my cousins! I want to move to another state... I NEED to get away from him and here. There's nothing here for me or my girls. This place is a ghost town and we have no one here -- just my parents... no one else! It's a sad depressing place. And he's only blocks away! Which makes it worse because I don't want to see his face... he brings me down! You've already had to make changes.....make more! Get the hell out of dodge!!! Your parents can come and visit you. Don't let him bully you any more. Go and get yourself a life for you and your girls. Let him have to chase after you if he really wants to see them. That will prove whether he really wants to or not, too. Most times these guys are full of ****! They talk and don't do. Take the high ground and move on. Don't look back. And NO CONTACT. Good luck!!!
x Amy x Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I can`t believe I have found people going through similar thoughts as me. I broke up with my bf a few days a go, he was emotionally abusive but not physically (was too much of a coward aswel). He`s left me pregnant with his child, and i have to say I miss him so much, but I am not weak enough to stand by watching him be the same with my son. It is so hard looking to the future at this point isn`t it? It seems like something will always be missing. I think we just have to find something to focus on and work towards that, whatever it maybe. In my case bringing a new life into the world.
Author EMBeee Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 x Amy x - wow, It is nice to know that we aren't the only ones going through these type of things even though it feels like it. Right now, I guess I am focusing on looking towards the future. There is a goal I have in mind... and that is to get the hell out of this place and try to start a fresh new life for me and my girls. The sad thing with me though is that the ex has been talking to the girls about me wanting to move, and now the older one (9) says she doesn't want to leave here, she says she will miss her dad and if I were to move, she would miss me. She doesn't realize why I want to leave because she is so young. I would really hate to put her through another tramatic event. Maybe I will let some of the dust settle first before I decide to move. I know it would be the best for us though.
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