pastpresent Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 This is the first time I've posted, and I hope someone out there can help me. I've been cleaning out a storage space, and I found some things that belong to my ex. It's been years since we've spoken, but I think the stuff I found is both valuable enough and sentimental enough that he may actually want it. My current guy pointed out that I should only contact my ex if I think it won't cause him any problems. (He's a thoughtful and understanding person.) I have no idea if my ex is in any kind of relationship now. I didn't keep in touch with our mutual friends. I don't know if I should try online searches on him, since I don't want to seem like some kind of stalker. How would you feel if your ex from years ago called you? The last contact I had with my ex was a birthday card to me that I didn't respond to. I was at a low point in my life when I received it, and all I wanted in all the world was to run back to the ex and beg him to get back together. Even at my very low point, I realized that that would be horrible for both of us. (And yes, I do regret that I didn't keep in touch after that.) I want to do the right thing here, but I'm not sure what that is. The ex is my first real love, my college boyfriend, and in some ways I will always love him. My current guy just says he trusts me and thinks I should do want I think is best. I thought that maybe my ex should have asked for the stuff I found, but it surprised me that I had it, so maybe he doesn't know where it is. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I didn't see any threads that covered this.
Nevermind Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 You were honest and open to your new boyfriend. You have a reason to contact him. Go for it.
Author pastpresent Posted June 8, 2008 Author Posted June 8, 2008 Thanks for the support, Nevermind. I only have his home phone number, and I'm afraid to use it. If he's married or involved, I don't want to cause him any trouble. We broke up because we were too young to handle the relationship well, but I never wished him any ill, and I don't want to open any old issues or hurts. Any ideas for the best approach? Last time we spoke he said his girlfriend was a jealous person and if I needed to speak with him to call him at work. I doubt he works at the same place. Should I try to honor the request years later?
justaman99 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Please define valuable. What kind of items are we talking about here?
Author pastpresent Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 There are some really high end electronics which are rare, and still sought after, according to a friend of mine in the same field as my ex, and some personal belongings from his father. His father died when he was a child, and I don't think he has a lot of keepsakes. My best friend says I should really go through all the boxes so that if he really doesn't want to talk to me I only have to do this once. I didn't even think of that, and I am really surprised by how much raw emotion has come up for me in all of this. It bothers me that so far two other people have had to point out issues that should have been obvious to me. I know that I have to offer this stuff back to him, but I so far I haven't been able to talk about it to anyone without my voice breaking. I don't think my ex should have to hear that. It would be too uncomfortable. I think I moved on without ever really getting over the breakup. I'm embarrassed about that.
Nevermind Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Call him. You don't want to reconcile, it's a whole different story. Plus, if she answers the phone, just tell her who you are and why you are calling. You have nothing to hide. If his girlfriend freaks out over something like this, she is to blame. Try to call work first, and then home. But...why is your voice breaking? You two broke up years ago.
justaman99 Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Yes I would call him. Just tell him exactly what you have been doing. You've been cleaning out storage and found a lot of valuable and sentimental things that he might consider getting back. I think after this much time he won't feel resentful or upset, or at least I would like to believe that in most people. He will probably be happy to talk to you, not expecting anything but just to catch up without any other intent. I think he'll appreciate you thinking that he might want these things. Give him a ring if you can deal with it on your side emotionally. -Just
Ronni_W Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 so far I haven't been able to talk about it to anyone without my voice breaking. I don't think my ex should have to hear that. It would be too uncomfortable. I think I moved on without ever really getting over the breakup. I'm embarrassed about that. Pastpresent, I do understand that this realization has you feeling embarrassed. The only thing I have to offer is that it is your current level of awareness that is causing your feelings of discomfort...and that's a good thing cos it proves that you've grown and developed in the intervening years! If your ex is going to get his jollies just because you are somewhat emotional when speaking with him, then that's his dysfunction, isn't it? His reaction will say everything about him and not be a reflection on you, really. Alternatively, ask your sister, brother, aunt or uncle to make the call on your behalf -- there's nothing wrong with doing whatever you need to, to protect your own Self from unnecessary "bad stuff". I do agree that it would be good of you to make an attempt to return these items to him...but do that in the best, safest, least stress-producing way that you can come up with. If he is in a relationship now, one hopes that his current will understand the situation and be happy for him to have his treasured items back...if that's not the case, though, it's still not on you as to how his current reacts. It does seem as if there is some fresh grief that's come up for you -- that's perfectly fine, acceptable and normal. It doesn't matter how long it's been since the break-up. In any case, it sounds as if you do have the insights to deal with it effectively at this point. Best of luck.
jmargel Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 If you call him and plan to meet with him, then have your bf along. Or, you can call your ex's mother if you know where she lives. If you still have an attachment to your ex, then do your bf the favor and leave him. I think part of the reason why you are touchy about this, is because you know you still might fall for your ex. Sounds like another decent guy is about to get burned again..
Author pastpresent Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I've been thinking all day about what everybody said, and I will be calling, but probably not right away. I can tell myself that it is because I should go through all the boxes, but it is true that I still love my ex, which is why I am getting emotional. My current guy has always known about it. When I first met him, we worked together, and about a month after he started there, my ex gave me the "only call me at work" call on a Saturday morning. I had a crying all weekend weekend, and I knew I looked terrible going in to work on Monday. I thought everyone would be staring at me. When I shuffled in, I looked up and saw that current guy looked worse than I did. I was so shocked that I forgot about my problems (mostly). I asked him if we was okay, was he ill, did he need a ride home, and so on. He just said "it's better for me to be here." By the time it got to be lunch, I stopped at the table and asked him if he was okay. He started to look really upset and said that on Saturday he found out that his ex was pregnant and getting married. He told me all about how they split because he wanted kids and she really didn't, but she said that if she ever did have kids, it would be with him because of the kind of guy he is. Then a mutual friend tells him that she got married and the baby is due soon. That just blew me away, and I told him all about the call I got, and the problems that led up to it. He said if I ever needed to talk to let him know. We talked a lot for a while, but we didn't date until I left that job. When I found the stuff in storage, my current guy said that this was going to bring up emotional issues, since we're both "damaged goods." He said as long as I was honest about everything to everyone, this should work out okay. He did say that since my ex was my first real love, he was a little worried about my talking to him again, since that kind of love never goes away. Still, the current guy says I should make an effort to talk to the ex. I wouldn't give up my current guy for anything, so I don't think any decent guy is going to get burnt here. I do think they are both decent guys. I'm just taking a hard look at how I've been the immature one in all of this. I don't want my emotions to cause any problems for anyone else, so I better get a handle on it before I call anybody. I'm posting here because I think it's not right that I go over this and over this with the current guy.
Ronni_W Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Pastpresent, You're so right to find a different outlet than just your current guy! BTW, it sounds as if you have a really wonderful, open and honest relationship -- I'm happy for you both. I understand your concern that your emotions don't cause problems for others but, for me, the biggest thing is to not let our (unhealed) emotions cause problems for ourselves. In any event, it sounds as if you have the insights and skills to deal with yours very effectively. , since that kind of love never goes away. You know, in my experience that is just not true -- "first love feelings" can and do go away. I think it is more accurate that we get stuck in "First Love syndrome" when we don't do what needs to be done to get over it, and make sure any residual feelings are also gone. (Which may take months and years...but it still can be done, is my experience.) I heard you say that you still do love your ex, but you are also very clear that you have chosen, and will continue to choose, your current guy -- chances are very small that it'll get out of control for you. Perhaps you will even find that it is more of a 'friendly love' than romantic -- that happened to me once, where I thought I felt one way but, when I eventually got together with the guy, it turned out that my thoughts were out of sync with my deeper feelings. It was like, "What the heck was I thinking, about him?" -- I was very relieved . Wishing you the best, Ronni
Author pastpresent Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 When I first started reading here, I realized that we all post when we're going through something, but most of us don't finish the story. So, I thought I'd let you all know that I appreciate the input while I was working out what to do. I haven't called the ex, since current guy's grandfather has been ill, and taking care of the current people will be taking up my time for a while. I will let you know what happens when I call the ex. Thanks for everything!
Recommended Posts