Kelly5 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Well...it just happened. My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. Here is my story: I am currently 20 years old; we met when I was 16 and dated for a few months. He was in boarding school, so I called it off because I knew I was too young for anything serious. He finished high school, and we got back together the beginning of my senior year when I was 17. I went to community college for my first two years, and I am now in the process of transfering to a university in August. He was cheated on in his relationship prior to ours, and I know he has always been paranoid that I might cheat on him, although I have never given him a reason to think so. I am a down-to-earth girl who does not party, and I spend all my free time with him. Long story short, I was going to go the local university in town but after I was accepted to the top university in the state, I knew I could not pass the chance up. I built up the courage to tell him I was going to move, and to my surprise he was very supportive; however, he was lying. He broke-down and finally told me a few days ago that he was sorry and couldn't go through with it. He said he could not be in a long distance relationship, because he knew he was going to worry about me 24/7, but I told him to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt him. He was a wreck through out our conversation, and his reply was that he did trust me, but he did not trust the people around me in college. To me, this sounds as if he simply does not trust me. Anyway, he realized he could not lose me and he wanted to make this work. In the past three years, we have had a somewhat rocky relationship, and within the past 6 months we have found a way to bicker about everything. I told him I feel as though we have lost respect for one another. So, this afternoon we stopped by my childhood friend's house because her sister was having a birthday party, and I have not seen her family in over 5 years. She attends the university I am going to and she asked me if I was still going to go up with her in a few weeks to attend the christian meeting on campus and because it was her friend's birthday party and she wanted to go. She never told me about her friend's birthday party, so I asked her what was going on, and she told me it was her guy friend's 21st birthday and he is having a party at his house. Long story short, we left her sister's birthday party and my boyfriend broke down and told me it was over--that he can't stand the thought of me at another guy's house for the fear of what will happen. I told him that he needs to trust me, and he again brought up the fact that he did not trust the people around me. I dropped him off at my house to get his car so he could go home, and as he was getting out of my car he said, "I'll just go kill myself on the way home." I'm devastated. I love him deeply. He has been my entire life for the past 3 years, and I am still in shock that he threatened suicide. I am not naive, and I know there is a 99% chance he would never hurt himself, but to put that burden on me is outrageous. A part of me wants to crawl back to him and forget my dreams of going away to a university, but the better part of me wants to look at the light ahead and know that great things in my life have yet to come. I am sorry for such a long post, but does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, and I know he is hurting very deeply right now. As me for, I will be okay...I have something to look forward to, he doesn't. So, if you have been in his position, maybe you can give me some pointers on what to do to make this better on him...and maybe that advice will be to never contact him again and let it be, but I want to make sure I do the right thing here.
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Well...it just happened. My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. Here is my story: I am currently 20 years old; we met when I was 16 and dated for a few months. He was in boarding school, so I called it off because I knew I was too young for anything serious. He finished high school, and we got back together the beginning of my senior year when I was 17. I went to community college for my first two years, and I am now in the process of transfering to a university in August. He was cheated on in his relationship prior to ours, and I know he has always been paranoid that I might cheat on him, although I have never given him a reason to think so. I am a down-to-earth girl who does not party, and I spend all my free time with him. Long story short, I was going to go the local university in town but after I was accepted to the top university in the state, I knew I could not pass the chance up. I built up the courage to tell him I was going to move, and to my surprise he was very supportive; however, he was lying. He broke-down and finally told me a few days ago that he was sorry and couldn't go through with it. He said he could not be in a long distance relationship, because he knew he was going to worry about me 24/7, but I told him to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt him. He was a wreck through out our conversation, and his reply was that he did trust me, but he did not trust the people around me in college. To me, this sounds as if he simply does not trust me. Anyway, he realized he could not lose me and he wanted to make this work. In the past three years, we have had a somewhat rocky relationship, and within the past 6 months we have found a way to bicker about everything. I told him I feel as though we have lost respect for one another. So, this afternoon we stopped by my childhood friend's house because her sister was having a birthday party, and I have not seen her family in over 5 years. She attends the university I am going to and she asked me if I was still going to go up with her in a few weeks to attend the christian meeting on campus and because it was her friend's birthday party and she wanted to go. She never told me about her friend's birthday party, so I asked her what was going on, and she told me it was her guy friend's 21st birthday and he is having a party at his house. Long story short, we left her sister's birthday party and my boyfriend broke down and told me it was over--that he can't stand the thought of me at another guy's house for the fear of what will happen. I told him that he needs to trust me, and he again brought up the fact that he did not trust the people around me. I dropped him off at my house to get his car so he could go home, and as he was getting out of my car he said, "I'll just go kill myself on the way home." I'm devastated. I love him deeply. He has been my entire life for the past 3 years, and I am still in shock that he threatened suicide. I am not naive, and I know there is a 99% chance he would never hurt himself, but to put that burden on me is outrageous. A part of me wants to crawl back to him and forget my dreams of going away to a university, but the better part of me wants to look at the light ahead and know that great things in my life have yet to come. I am sorry for such a long post, but does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, and I know he is hurting very deeply right now. As me for, I will be okay...I have something to look forward to, he doesn't. So, if you have been in his position, maybe you can give me some pointers on what to do to make this better on him...and maybe that advice will be to never contact him again and let it be, but I want to make sure I do the right thing here.Your b/f is right HE cannot handle a long distance relationship, because of his own reasons. What he is doing is making threats in order to emotionally blackmail you and control you to behave as he wishes. He wants you to not go. Honey, you have so much left in your future and this is an chance you cannot give up. Go away to college, and get to know what your own future holds.It's not going to be easy to walk away but you need to for you , for certain there will come no good in staying there at home for a relationship where the guy is willing to emotionally manipulate you. I feel you should cut off contact with him because you will be free to make the choice you have already made and he will be free to come to terms with it.
Author Kelly5 Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 tinktronik, Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to hear that I am doing the right thing by going away and experiencing life outside of this town that I was born and raised in. I have never left, and I really want this for myself...he is the only thing that would keep me here. It is just confusing because he mentioned several times that he doesn't want to hold me back and be a hinder because he wants me to have fun at college, but he may just be telling me this to make himself look better. I dont know, but thank you.
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 tinktronik, Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to hear that I am doing the right thing by going away and experiencing life outside of this town that I was born and raised in. I have never left, and I really want this for myself...he is the only thing that would keep me here. It is just confusing because he mentioned several times that he doesn't want to hold me back and be a hinder because he wants me to have fun at college, but he may just be telling me this to make himself look better. I dont know, but thank you. You are absolutely making the BEST choice in going . Absolutely , no question. Your b/f may be conflicted, he knows its best you go , but he wants what he wants too. But you cannot have it both ways. He may not want to admit even to himself that he would rather you give up your chance than for him to feel the pain of letting you go. It will hurt you as well to let go of your relationship, but it is def. the best thing for you long term. Do you have an older person nearby that you can talk to this about , a Mom or Aunt or Dad? You should talk to them and be honest with them and I am sure that they will advise you the same and that more than likely one or all of them had a similar relationship problem when it was time to go away for college.This is very common and completely normal. You will find once you get to college many young men and women are somewhat heart broken from leaving behind their HS boyfriend or girlfriend and moving on to the next chapter of their lives.
taylor3205 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 If you stayed there for him, you would resent him for it eventually and if/when you guys ever broke up, you would regret not going. I stayed in this town because of my ex. I gave up the opportunity of going to university twice. I started resenting my ex for that. We have split up now and I regret not going first time around. I am actually going in September though, giving my house and dog up and making a fresh start!!
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 If you stayed there for him, you would resent him for it eventually and if/when you guys ever broke up, you would regret not going. I stayed in this town because of my ex. I gave up the opportunity of going to university twice. I started resenting my ex for that. We have split up now and I regret not going first time around. I am actually going in September though, giving my house and dog up and making a fresh start!! Good for you. It is NEVER the right choice to give up your personal dreams for a relationship. The right relationship is one where your own goals thrive within and with help from the relationship.
Author Kelly5 Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I feel I would absolutely resent him for staying here too, and he knows that. And, congratulations to you! Good luck!
Author Kelly5 Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Yes, I do, but I spoke to my older sister about it briefly before and she said I need to transfer to a university and go away, so I can grow independently..and if we are meant to be, then we are meant to be. But, he just called me crying and throwing up; this is killing him, and it is killing me to see the person I love like this. This is going to a long, emotional next two months before I leave, but thank you for all your help.
borelandkaren Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Yes, I do, but I spoke to my older sister about it briefly before and she said I need to transfer to a university and go away, so I can grow independently..and if we are meant to be, then we are meant to be. But, he just called me crying and throwing up; this is killing him, and it is killing me to see the person I love like this. This is going to a long, emotional next two months before I leave, but thank you for all your help. Walk away and don't look back.........
tinktronik Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 Yes, I do, but I spoke to my older sister about it briefly before and she said I need to transfer to a university and go away, so I can grow independently..and if we are meant to be, then we are meant to be. But, he just called me crying and throwing up; this is killing him, and it is killing me to see the person I love like this. This is going to a long, emotional next two months before I leave, but thank you for all your help. Kelly, I suggest cutting ties with him sooner rather than later. I think you should go NC.
claycald Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 this is all way to familiar for me because it happened to me also. my high school sweetheart left me a year before she left for college for practically the same reasons. i was being a real ******* trying to make her stay or to let me go with her. i knew things would be okay when she went but i didnt like the idea of her being around them frat boys and ****. its hard cuz it has been a year since we broke up and i am still in love with her so much. i cut things off from her for 8 months and finally went running back to try and make this "Friend" thing work. thankfully she is extremly happy we are speaking but unfortunatly she has a new boyfriend and has been with him for 7 months. (she waited 5 months after our 2 year relationship to get someone new). but if it is meant to be she will leave him for me. so i aint trippin
claycald Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 oops... i cant say as* in here? my bad... but what i forgot to say was i decieded to let her go whereever she wanted without pressure from me before she decieded to leave i just didnt tell her until 3 weeks ago. it is always best to TALK TO HIM about it instead of other people. cuz those people dont know what he is feeling or thinking. only you and him know what is the best for yall no one else. so go talk to him and try to make him trust u. depending how far u are going u could still see him on weekends, holidays, breaks, summer etc. it doesnt need to be a good bye forever thing... tell him he should think of it as a i will see you later i'll be back.
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