NedFlanders Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 People a married friend of mine says that married people fall in and out of love with each other throughout there marriage. Do you think this is true? I dont simply because I am not married, but I have been in love with my best friend for years, and it only grows stronger each day.
porter218 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Not exactly. True love is always there and doesn't go away even when you want it too. But that newlywed infatuation comes and goes throughout a marriage...some may mistake that for love. If the actual love part is coming and going then they have a problem.
smartgirl Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I'm not sure I would go so far as to say married couples fall in and out of love, but the intensity or the passion of the love does ebb and flow and sometimes it can go pretty low. I have been married for almost 30 years and I experienced my first ebb at about 5 years; my H at 7. Sometimes the ebb will coincide with an interest in another person and that will aggravate the situation and amplify the feelings of dissatisfaction. People don't always take the bait though. What I have found is that sometimes the intensity of the love just comes back on its own when you aren't even looking. Sometimes you need to give the relationship a shot in the arm to get it going. Either way, the root cause of the ebb is usually something going on within one of the individuals that is personal to them but the spouse becomes a lightening rod for the feelings of unhappiness or dissatisfaction the person is feeling. But personally, I would say that after every ebb the relationship becomes deeper and stronger. Sadly, this isn't always enough to prevent one of the partners from cheating. Again, that usually has more to do with what is going on inside the head of the cheater. IMO.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I'm not sure I would go so far as to say married couples fall in and out of love, but the intensity or the passion of the love does ebb and flow and sometimes it can go pretty low. I have been married for almost 30 years and I experienced my first ebb at about 5 years; my H at 7. Sometimes the ebb will coincide with an interest in another person and that will aggravate the situation and amplify the feelings of dissatisfaction. People don't always take the bait though. What I have found is that sometimes the intensity of the love just comes back on its own when you aren't even looking. Sometimes you need to give the relationship a shot in the arm to get it going. Either way, the root cause of the ebb is usually something going on within one of the individuals that is personal to them but the spouse becomes a lightening rod for the feelings of unhappiness or dissatisfaction the person is feeling. But personally, I would say that after every ebb the relationship becomes deeper and stronger. Sadly, this isn't always enough to prevent one of the partners from cheating. Again, that usually has more to do with what is going on inside the head of the cheater. IMO. Well put. And I think that many couples are surprised and unprepared when that first low point comes, thinking that something is wrong with them or their relationship because their marriage is different than what you see on TV or in the movies. The notion that one has to find the inner motivation to work hardest on their relationship when they're getting the least in return is counterintuitive for a lot of people. And so, as you say, their attention can turn elsewhere... Mr. Lucky
QuiteReceptive Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I am going through a divorce, but how articulately you responded to the original post intrigues me...could an "ebb" last for a few years? Or, could an "ebb" due to the attraction to another individual cause you to realize that you never felt "strong" feelings towards your current spouse?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 People a married friend of mine says that married people fall in and out of love with each other throughout there marriage. Do you think this is true? Yep. My H and I are like that. We were together for seven years, split for three, and are giving it another shot. Throughout it all, even during the separation, we loved each other - however there were many times throughout our time together where we definitely were not 'in love' with each other. There was a definite ebb and flow for us - a fluid set of emotions that changed as we changed as individuals, and as our expectations/hopes for each other changed as well. I think there has to be an ebb and flow - mainly because as human beings we are not static: not physically, not emotionally, not mentally. We change, our perceptions change, and so must our relationships as a direct reflection of that. Relationships that don't change, or relationships that cannot survive change die. Its as simple as that. You have to love the person you are with at any given time, and be willing and able to fall in love with them through every stage of life. I've seen many a person here who was madly in love "with the person they married years ago" and fall out of love with "the person their spouse is now". They hang onto that outdated 'in love' and things crash. They can't fall 'in love' with who the spouse is now, so they have affairs to recapture the 'in love' with someone else. They shut down. Cut off the sex. They check out emotionally. All because they are incapable (or unwilling) of evolving their emotions to match the evolving person their spouse is. The person you marry isn't the person you are with ten years from now. It is the same basic framework of the person, but the years bring new experiences and new lessons learned which essentially make them a different person. The longer you are with someone, the more things you find out about them that they probably took great pains to hide in the beginning: farting issues, snoring, weight gain, not liking sex, whacking it to porn, etc. - and while these may not have been things that were present when you fell 'in love', they are things that for better or worse, make up who your spouse is. You can either accommodate and compromise, and find yourself falling 'in love' again or you can stubbornly hold on to the spouse who for all intents and purposes doesn't exist anymore and watch your marriage crumble. So yes.. 'in love' comes and goes. For the lucky and willing, 'love' is the foundation that weathers the 'coming and going' and keeps things together.
smartgirl Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 I am going through a divorce, but how articulately you responded to the original post intrigues me...could an "ebb" last for a few years? Or, could an "ebb" due to the attraction to another individual cause you to realize that you never felt "strong" feelings towards your current spouse? Well, every situation is different. My H and I have each experienced at least one "ebb" that lasted a few years. But it never reached the point that either of us felt we had to get out. There was always a level of love there and a basic enjoyment of being with each other that kept us going. I like the way LB describes it as a coming and going of the "in love" feelings. That whole "in love" topic is kind of tricky and mostly I find it to be a romance novel concept that should not really be applied as a measurement of one's love for their spouse. But it helps to communicate the idea well. I think the idea that you NEVER felt strong feelings for your spouse is also a tricky topic. It is far too easy to forget how you really felt at a given point in time. You think you know, but it can be like trying to remember a dream. Often, those memories are colored, or contaminated, by the present. I think what has happened in many of the relationships I have observed is that there were aspects of the spouse that one person ignored, thought would not be important, didn't really understand, etc. that ultimately turned out to be intolerable. I think the realization that those traits were there all along is what leads people to the conclusion that the relationship was doomed from the start. Often, this new way of thinking about the spouse and the relationship is something other people saw from the beginning. My H was involved in an A for about a year. For much of that time he believed that he and OW were more harmonious and that what he perceived as a greater compatibility and sexual chemistry was better than what he and I had. He said he saw her faults then, but believed they wouldn't matter in the context of a serious relationship. He said what he ultimately discovered was that they mattered A LOT and it is what began breaking them apart even before I found out. Had he left me and married her during his euphoria, he knows now he would have found himself in a living hell. On the other hand, I have seen three couples I know divorce during an ebb, only to wind up remarrying later and being very happy. Sometimes getting through an ebb is a matter of faith. Not religious faith, but faith in yourself and in the person you married that you have what it takes to weather a difficult period in your lives.
Author NedFlanders Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Well what about a person that for the last 12 years except for maybe three of them has wanted out of the marriage, because she admits she is not in love with him. The only reason she has stayed is because her family and Pastor has said that she may one day learn to love him, and its just wrong to divorce.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Marriage starts with a thread of 'in love' and builds over time into an enormous rope made of a myriad of threads. You can cut a few threads at a time, and have the rope hold. But... if you cut the rope all at once, it is a catastrophic change that most people can't handle. So, a good deal of people just continue to hold onto that fraying rope. Perhaps she is holding onto that fraying rope, because she may want to let go - but has a comfortable grip that she is used to - and the fear of letting go outweighs the flagging strength that she has to keep holding on.
smartgirl Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Well what about a person that for the last 12 years except for maybe three of them has wanted out of the marriage, because she admits she is not in love with him. The only reason she has stayed is because her family and Pastor has said that she may one day learn to love him, and its just wrong to divorce. It is dawning on me that the "best friend" you are in love with is this woman. Is that the case?
t_veron Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Depends on what "love" means for each person. Maybe this link can clear up why relationships fail. The relationships that are far and few that survive and respect is never compromised I'd say yes love comes and goes. Love means nothing in reality it's the means that bring two people together. Love is euphoria and the honeymoon. What keeps people together is respect and admiration for each other which builds over time spent together. http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Do-I-Attract-So-Many-Losers?&id=432525 Love is definied as: Genuine feelings of full acceptance and trust of the other party. There is no agenda other than the companionship and mutual enjoyment of one another. Open vulnerability, and full healthy, non-combative verbal communication.
twiglet67 Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 When I read your first post I thought that it was me!! I never thought someone else could be in the same situaton. The only differences are that we have children, we've been married for 14 years and it was my ex (first) boyfriend who came back in my life. I feel exactly the same - so chemistry, no want for sex, not even on our honeymoon but my husband is the "ideal "husband and father who adores me. 24 years ago I went out with someone who was my soulmate but I was too young to handle the emotions which caused us to split. My parents controlled our relationship knowing I was too young, at 15. We split when i was 19. i was so hurt I buried my feelings so deep. i met my husband who gave me security, comfort and stability after the hurt.(rebound?) We lived in speaparte countires for 5 years then lived for one year together before marrying. 3 years later we had our first child. Ever since I've searched my ex -internet, passing his old house, almost telephoning, but never asking why. Little did I know he was doing the same. I never questioned whyi ddinnt like doing stuff with my husband, why i didnt want to make love, why I liked it when he went away on short business trips. I felt more and more frustrated. then my ex contacted me. Lightening struck. It was if all these pieces were coming otogether and I realised that I still felt so strong for him, physical, mental, everything. He feels the same, always has. I realised what I had for my husband was nothing more than a great friendship, that it could never work as there was no chemistry. My husband has been very understanding about it all, though obviously jealous and hurt. He realises too that I was never the same alone with him as with others -friends, family. I lost my laugh and happiness alone with him; We are now starting counselling to help us to separate amicably. The only problem is of course we have 2 chilsren 9and 6. the other is my ex who now lives in canada and we live in France. But he i willl deal with when this is sorted. All i know for real is my marriage is not and will not work.My ex is in the same postion funnily enough. As we've only contacted via MSN we have to see in person wether we are living an old dream or not. But thats another story! Thank you so much for showing me I am not alone. Any comments welcomed
trust Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 What the hell!? smartgirl Mr. Lucky LucreziaBorgia Where in the hell do you people live?! Please move closer to me. I don't think I've ever heard a better discussion on the topic than just now (aside from when I talk about it ). I don't know the three of you but I want to ask you to please stick around and keep posting on this forum. You have much wisdom to give. Smartgirl, please reproduce and teach your daughters what you know. Man, if every girl knew and practiced what you know....what a great place that would be. @t_veron: great article. I may study that again at a later date. As for love, I don't think I'd ever try to define it in 3 sentences. After all my life experiences and reading "5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman" I at least know have a clue.
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