even emails are considered cheating too

[daisybuchanan]

I'm 30 and my husband is 38. We've been married for almost a year and a half. I guess I would say that not even a year into my marriage I thought about getting out because he stopped working and I felt taken advantage of. He complained that his job was too hectic to allow him to find out what he truly wanted to do in life, so I suggested he take a break. The break turned out to be more than a year. In the meantime he had rejoined AA. He told me he felt he needed to do something greater for humanity, so I suggested he volunteer to be a Big Brother. That started out ok but then he started to spend time at the little guy's house with his single parent mom. He was also always on the phone with her. I told him this was suspicious and needed to stop. He didn't go back to work until a year later. When he started working again, he wouldn't share the money he made on the job, but I supported us the whole time he wasn't working - I shared my bank accounts with him, paid the mortgage, bills, food, etc. He doesn't view things this way because he said he never depended on me, the bills I paid were just mine, not his.

 

To make matters worse, I had started to have email contact with my ex-boyfriends. I thought maybe I had made a mistake getting married, I don't know, maybe I was trying to make sure I still had something secure in my life like someone who used to love me. I contemplated being with them but it was mostly because I was insecure, I don't think I would have gone back to a relationship that ended for obvious reasons. I moved out a couple of months ago and my husband realized that he was not a good husband and wanted to change. I was relieved he came to his senses and moved back.

 

A few days after I moved back, he went through my email and my phone and saw these communications and confronted me. He also admitted he had done the same with his ex-girlfriends. We both decided to delete everything and let it go. I also got pregnant.

 

While I was at work (he wasn't working again) he went through my email trash and read all the emails I deleted. Then he got mad at me again for the same stuff. He called me awful names and tried to move out. Then he called these people and threatened them. I had already sent an email to my ex-boyfriends letting them know I made a mistake and I was sorry for leading them on, that I wanted to make my marriage work. Eventually I convinced him to stay. A few days later he went through another trash file and dug up something else that was an old email to an ex, threw a tantrum and threatened me again. I'm so pregnant and nauseous that I started to get panick attacks everytime I came home. I wish he would start working again so he wouldn't have so much time on his hands. At work I don't have the liberty of surfing the internet.

 

After all this snooping through my things, my husband has become very good at covering his tracks by trashing every phone bill, email account, internet history files. I, obviously, am horrible at it. I asked him a couple of days ago if I could call his ex-girlfriends to make sure they know he's married. He said he promised he had ended things, but he didn't want me to harrass them.

 

I know we both have problems letting go of our past, and to muddy the waters I got pregnant. But, should I even try to contact his ex-girlfriends? I feel like all I ever wanted was a man who would support his family, and after making some mistakes, all I'm doing right now is chasing down exes. It has completely veered off the road... please help give me some direction.

[MichelleS1983]

I guess I would say that not even a year into my marriage I thought about getting out because he stopped working and I felt taken advantage of.

Being honest, what kind of a lazy loser thinks it's totally fine to allow a woman to support him?

 

He complained that his job was too hectic to allow him to find out what he truly wanted to do in life, so I suggested he take a break. The break turned out to be more than a year. In the meantime he had rejoined AA.

The picture starts to come into focus now. He's a self-indulgant lazy loser who thinks the world owes him everything. Been there, done that.

 

He told me he felt he needed to do something greater for humanity, so I suggested he volunteer to be a Big Brother.

So trying to get this straight, he felt the 'call' to serve humanity, but didn't feel the need to contribute to his OWN household?

 

That started out ok but then he started to spend time at the little guy's house with his single parent mom. He was also always on the phone with her. I told him this was suspicious and needed to stop. He didn't go back to work until a year later.

I'm sure it was purely altruistic behavior from this oh-so-noble man. Wonder if his lady friend thought he was a complete loser for letting his wife support him while he hung out at her house making a fool of himself?

 

When he started working again, he wouldn't share the money he made on the job, but I supported us the whole time he wasn't working - I shared my bank accounts with him, paid the mortgage, bills, food, etc. He doesn't view things this way because he said he never depended on me, the bills I paid were just mine, not his.

Then I'll assume for the year the loser was "finding himself" while YOU supported the household, he didn't eat, he didn't use the cable, hot water, electricity, the cars or sleep in the house YOU were paying for - correct?

 

To make matters worse, I had started to have email contact with my ex-boyfriends. I thought maybe I had made a mistake getting married, I don't know, maybe I was trying to make sure I still had something secure in my life like someone who used to love me.

While I'm not an advocate of cheating or sneaky behavior, in a way I can't blame you for reaching out to real men who don't sponge off women and act as though the world owes them something just because they joined AA.

 

I also got pregnant.

Bad timing.

 

While I was at work (he wasn't working again) he went through my email trash and read all the emails I deleted. Then he got mad at me again for the same stuff. He called me awful names and tried to move out. Then he called these people and threatened them.

If this loser actually held a JOB and CONTRIBUTED to the household, he wouldn't have all the time in the world to go through your DELETED emails and 'threaten' everyone. Jesus, what is WRONG with this guy???? Does he realize you're pregnant and will have to quit working eventually, and supporting his lazy ass???

 

Eventually I convinced him to stay.

Why? The guy is completely worthless.

 

I wish he would start working again so he wouldn't have so much time on his hands.

No, he'd much rather indulge his worthless, lazy ass at home watching Maury Povitch while his VERY pregnant wife supports him. How can you respect this loser? HOW?

 

But, should I even try to contact his ex-girlfriends?

Ugh - this is the LEAST of your problems! The guy has zero character, zero integrity, zero sense of responsibility, and he's a worthless, lazy good-for-nothing who impregnates women and feels NO responsibility toward you or the baby. Who CARES whether he's contacting his old girlfriends or not?

 

 

I feel like all I ever wanted was a man who would support his family..

Then stop encouraging this self-indulgent ass to take a 'break' so he can find himself. He's an alcoholic, he's a liar, a cheater, and a lazy loser. I honestly can't stress that enough. He brings NOTHING to the table.

 

NOTHING.

 

Quite honestly, getting pregnant was the worst mistake you could have made. You're now tied to this utter loser for the next 21 years.

[porter218]

But, should I even try to contact his ex-girlfriends?

 

Sure, see if they have enough room to take him in and off of your hands.

I seriously doubt he has ended things with them, but If I were you I wouldn't even care. You should only worry about getting rid of him. I can't beleive you could deal with him sitting around jobless letting you pay for everything. Then when he gets a job you can't have any of the money. I am sorry to say but he doesn't love you. You just represent fanancial stability to him, and he knows you put up with it. However I am willing to bet that his exes expect him to pull his own weight and that is the reason for you. You and your baby will be happier with out him.

Does he really throw away his phone bills? he is such a cheater! But you do know that almost every cellphone company has the whole bill listed online..not just the current one but all previous ones.

[NewSunrise]

You now have another person, your unborn baby to be responsible for. Reprioritize! You first. Baby second. H not listed! I mean it. Your baby (not the big one, the one who spends your hard earned money so he can fool around) is and should be your priority, including you keeping yourself healthy.

 

Until your WS steps up to the plate, don't waste your energy on chasing Xes. They don't deserve your strength.

 

In the event of a divorce, start and emergency fund under your mother's account and putting away cash reserve in a safe deposit box which you do not have an account. If you must, remove your H name off your joint credit cards.

 

If your H works on a home desk top computer, you can easily track his activities without him knowing it. Thank to www.marriagebuilders.com! Posters suggested keglogger. YOu can only get in online. It records the last 250K keystrokes. This is how I found out XWS was lying the entire time during MC AND addicted to porn! LOL!

 

If you don't make some drastic changes with regards to your finances, you are just as much responsible as he is. In some ways you are enabling his behavior. Your marriage has the earmark of a "parent-child" characteristics.

 

The question is, is this the kind of marriage you want to be in?

[J2FT1]

Being honest, what kind of a lazy loser thinks it's totally fine to allow a woman to support him?

 

The picture starts to come into focus now. He's a self-indulgant lazy loser who thinks the world owes him everything. Been there, done that.

 

So trying to get this straight, he felt the 'call' to serve humanity, but didn't feel the need to contribute to his OWN household?

 

I'm sure it was purely altruistic behavior from this oh-so-noble man. Wonder if his lady friend thought he was a complete loser for letting his wife support him while he hung out at her house making a fool of himself?

 

Then I'll assume for the year the loser was "finding himself" while YOU supported the household, he didn't eat, he didn't use the cable, hot water, electricity, the cars or sleep in the house YOU were paying for - correct?

 

While I'm not an advocate of cheating or sneaky behavior, in a way I can't blame you for reaching out to real men who don't sponge off women and act as though the world owes them something just because they joined AA.

 

Bad timing.

 

If this loser actually held a JOB and CONTRIBUTED to the household, he wouldn't have all the time in the world to go through your DELETED emails and 'threaten' everyone. Jesus, what is WRONG with this guy???? Does he realize you're pregnant and will have to quit working eventually, and supporting his lazy ass???

 

Why? The guy is completely worthless.

 

No, he'd much rather indulge his worthless, lazy ass at home watching Maury Povitch while his VERY pregnant wife supports him. How can you respect this loser? HOW?

 

Ugh - this is the LEAST of your problems! The guy has zero character, zero integrity, zero sense of responsibility, and he's a worthless, lazy good-for-nothing who impregnates women and feels NO responsibility toward you or the baby. Who CARES whether he's contacting his old girlfriends or not?

 

 

Then stop encouraging this self-indulgent ass to take a 'break' so he can find himself. He's an alcoholic, he's a liar, a cheater, and a lazy loser. I honestly can't stress that enough. He brings NOTHING to the table.

 

NOTHING.

 

Quite honestly, getting pregnant was the worst mistake you could have made. You're now tied to this utter loser for the next 21 years.

 

Ah, I can smell the stink of double-standard in this post all the way from my computer screen.

 

They both have problems. And you're making this totally one-sided, with a one sided story.

[alexg]

my husband emailed former lovers all through our marriage and guess what they ended up in affairs, you two need to move on this is going to hang over you forever..there is no trust here tell him you screwed and stop doing it, and leave