I don't get what I did wrong

[dreamergrl]

It is not rising for no reason DG - He has freaked you out with his over reaction and I would feel just the same!

 

Eyes open hon x

 

I know, but if I want it to work, I need to put some of that anxiety aside.

[Lishy]

Ok just think of it like this, what will happen if he is not really what you want? Will you die? Will the earth combust? No!

 

The worst that will happen is that you MAY get a bit upset for a relatively short period of time!

 

You can do it!

[notgoodatthis]

So I've been dating this really great guy. We click so well, I'm so comfortable with him, we always have a great time. I have yet to find any faults in him, or anything I don't like about him. We decided to be exclusive. I've met a lot of his friends, which all I feel like I get along great with, and he said they all like me. I could go on and on about this guy and how great of a person he is.

 

He had been really busy with work this week. We only talked once (which is fine, it doesn't bug me at all), and he had said that he didn't want anything to change, but wanted to slow down. Which confused the hell out of me. We were able to talk about it, and he said he was worried he couldn't give me what I wanted because he had been so busy. I told him the time we spend together is fine, and he's not doing anything wrong. He said he wanted to make sure he got his "me time". Which I told him was fine. We had talked things out and all and hung up on a positive note with him saying he wants to keep seeing me and wants me as his gf. This was Thursday.

 

Last night a (chick) friend of his asked what I was up to, and if I wanted to come out. I wanted to go, I thought it would be fun, so I started to make arrangements. I called him to make sure he had no problem with this (I didn't want him to think I was invading on his space or friends, and he said he'd be busy with work), but he didn't call back or answer. It didn't end up working out. I would have needed a place to crash. She asked if I could just crash at his place, but I didn't want to invade on his "me time". So I mentioned I had called him but couldn't get a hold of him. I ended up staying in, no big deal.

 

So thismorning I wake up to off line messages on my instant messenger from him:

 

 

Im done you kept saying all the things i needed to hear last night. Now after i have had sleep I see your talking to ****. Now i wanted you 2 to be friends. but I didnt think you would go behind my back, Im done i love you but im not in to games and im pissed your the first girl in a long time i trusted. see what that got me.

 

May I add we've never said "I love you" before.

 

I sincerely was not trying to do anything behind his back. I had moved last winter, and am away from a lot of my friends. I thought it was awesome that I was becoming friends with some new people. If I knew he would have had a problem with me hanging out with his friends, I never would have even tried to make plans to go.

 

Oh and no, there's nothing going on between him and his chick friend.

 

Any thoughts?????

 

This sounds to me like a control tactic. He's the one playing games, not you! This is a perfect example of a "fine, whatever". You two will not break up, he just wants you to kiss his ass and for you to feel guilty. He wants control and thats not good.

[Kamille]

I'm someone who always struggles with my need for "me time" in relationships, and still, something doesn't sit right by me.

 

I read the whole thread.

 

First, I feel like your two "wrongs" aren't equal, perhaps because I don't fully understand what "your insecurity crisis" of last week consisted of - not to mention that if I understand the timeline correctly, he talked about slowing things down and that prompted some insecurity in you. You were insecure one day and acted accordingly. Not a big deal in my book, and to be expected when one of the partners talks of slowing things down - especially when things aren't rushed to begin with.

 

His wrong? He called things off. By IM. Quite suddenly. Without talking to you to try and understand you first. Sorry, but to me this is worst then one day of "insecurity" - it just wasn't very emotionnally mature on his part.

 

Second, there are not one but two missed phone messages to account for here. He missed the call where you left a message apologizing (who doesn't receive messages?) but then gets mad at you for checking up on him through friends. My question is: so what? I'll assume he's upset because you initiated the contact with the friend to find out if he was ok. (ie, you got in touch with the friend with the express purpose of making sure he was ok) And that's what got him so upset that he decided to call things quit BY IM without giving you the benefit of the doubt first, or, better yet, talking to you first to find out what happened? And what about the second phone calls, the one where you ask for permission to hang out with his friend? How did that phone call (the LAST NIGHT part that Lexi29 refers to) warrant his IM reaction?

 

His reaction, like others have pointed out, seems rather incoherent. Is there some information we are missing DG?

[dreamergrl]

I'm someone who always struggles with my need for "me time" in relationships, and still, something doesn't sit right by me.

 

I read the whole thread.

 

First, I feel like your two "wrongs" aren't equal, perhaps because I don't fully understand what "your insecurity crisis" of last week consisted of - not to mention that if I understand the timeline correctly, he talked about slowing things down and that prompted some insecurity in you. You were insecure one day and acted accordingly. Not a big deal in my book, and to be expected when one of the partners talks of slowing things down - especially when things aren't rushed to begin with.

 

His wrong? He called things off. By IM. Quite suddenly. Without talking to you to try and understand you first. Sorry, but to me this is worst then one day of "insecurity" - it just wasn't very emotionnally mature on his part.

 

Second, there are not one but two missed phone messages to account for here. He missed the call where you left a message apologizing (who doesn't receive messages?) but then gets mad at you for checking up on him through friends. My question is: so what? I'll assume he's upset because you initiated the contact with the friend to find out if he was ok. (ie, you got in touch with the friend with the express purpose of making sure he was ok) And that's what got him so upset that he decided to call things quit BY IM without giving you the benefit of the doubt first, or, better yet, talking to you first to find out what happened? And what about the second phone calls, the one where you ask for permission to hang out with his friend? How did that phone call (the LAST NIGHT part that Lexi29 refers to) warrant his IM reaction?

 

His reaction, like others have pointed out, seems rather incoherent. Is there some information we are missing DG?

 

The slow down talk was on Thursday - the insecurity ordeal was on the previous Sunday. I didn't leave a message on his phone cuz he normally just calls me right back regardless. Actually I didn't leave a message when I called to see if he minded about the friend thing (which he doesn't actually, and told me I'm more then welcome to crash at his place if I want to go out with the friend).

 

The IM thing was a drunk thing (not excusing it, but it makes much more sense that is what it was).

 

Nothing warranted his IM reaction at all, and it's not forgotten, but I did get a huge apology for it. I'm sorry if this all getting way to confusing or if I"m leaving anything out. I'm starting to confuse myself.

[Kamille]

Okay time line

Sunday: DG has insecurity "freak out"

Monday: DG calls to thank bf for nice weekend an apologze Did you talk to him? If not was it just a missed phone call, no messages (does he get the thanks and the apology?)

Tuesday: Nothing

Wed night: DG gets email from bf stating he's already put in 35 hours for work in, been super busy, wasn't trying to ignore DG, didn't want to talk about Sunday

Thursday morning: DG gets message saying "we'll talk tonight"

Thursday night: Phone conversation with bf things seem better Is this when the take things slow talk happens?

Friday night: DG gets invited out by friend, bf doesn't answer phone

Saturday morning: DG gets IM message, then talks to bf online, then again at night. BF tells DG that Friday night he vegged at home, had a few beers to relax, started thinking and thought DG was checking up on him, he said he he stayed at his dad's house Monday and Wed cuz it's 5 min away from his shop, he had ran into the friend Wed, friend told him he was being an ass for ignoring me. Bf said he had no clue that I got invited out, which makes sense because I didn't leave him a message, I just assumed that friend talked him, but it is very possible that didn't happen because she wasn't going out till after 9 and the messages came in at 8 while he was at home.

 

When did you try to get a hold of him to see if he was ok?

 

When did you speak to his friend to see if he was ok? Did you call the friend? Was the sole purpose of this communication to see if he was ok?

[dreamergrl]

When did you try to get a hold of him to see if he was ok?

 

When did you speak to his friend to see if he was ok? Did you call the friend? Was the sole purpose of this communication to see if he was ok?

 

Well first on Monday I called just to apologize for Sunday, and thank him for a great day on Saturday (which def was a great day). He didn't call back like normal - and he ALWAYS has called me back right away. I thought it was odd, so I just shot him an email on myspace, which didn't get read (it shows you if it's read) and he hadn't been logging on, which is also odd for him. So I just shot his friend an email and asked if she had heard from him. She said she hadn't either, which got me more worried. That was early Wed afternoon. He then shot me an email late afternoon Wed. We talked on the phone Thursday.

 

Honestly, yeah it was my sole purpose, because the antibiotics he was on had him puking Sunday. Grant it I figured he was mad, but given how good he is with the communication during the week, it was odd for him.

 

Anyways.. he had called me this afternoon, said he will be calling me later tonight to final plans for the weekend.

 

If it makes any difference, I do think he's phone is a bit screwy cuz when we talked Saturday night, we kept getting disconnected, and when I called back it would say "attempting to local *** customer".

[ARDriver01]

He sounds like a little girl to be honest! Do you want a real man or a little girly man who gets upset easily?

 

I was thinking the same exact thing.

 

How strange... Maybe he's bipolar, who knows. Maybe you're dodging like a 45cal on this one.

 

I had a friend that was like this. He was mental. He got so mad at his girlfriend for hanging out with me and his other friends for dinner one night that when we dropped her off, he had all of her stuff in a pile on the living room floor and kicked her out. This kind of behavior is nutso.

[Kamille]

Well first on Monday I called just to apologize for Sunday, and thank him for a great day on Saturday (which def was a great day). He didn't call back like normal - and he ALWAYS has called me back right away. I thought it was odd, so I just shot him an email on myspace, which didn't get read (it shows you if it's read) and he hadn't been logging on, which is also odd for him. So I just shot his friend an email and asked if she had heard from him. She said she hadn't either, which got me more worried. That was early Wed afternoon. He then shot me an email late afternoon Wed. We talked on the phone Thursday.

 

Honestly, yeah it was my sole purpose, because the antibiotics he was on had him puking Sunday. Grant it I figured he was mad, but given how good he is with the communication during the week, it was odd for him.

 

Anyways.. he had called me this afternoon, said he will be calling me later tonight to final plans for the weekend.

 

If it makes any difference, I do think he's phone is a bit screwy cuz when we talked Saturday night, we kept getting disconnected, and when I called back it would say "attempting to local *** customer".

 

I still have lots of questions. I think I'm starting to see why you feel like it was just one big miscommunication.

 

Why did you figure he would be mad? Because of how you acted on Sunday? Was he in fact mad or was that still insecurity on your part? And exactly how badly did you act? (wasn't clear from your post) and why did you so suddenly feel insecure?

 

And perhaps the part of the message where you reply to this fell out (in the quote) but when did the "slow down" talk happen? On Thursday? (And therefore could be his response to your insecurity?)

[dreamergrl]

I still have lots of questions. I think I'm starting to see why you feel like it was just one big miscommunication.

 

Thank God someone else is seeing that too.

 

Why did you figure he would be mad? Because of how you acted on Sunday? Was he in fact mad or was that still insecurity on your part? And exactly how badly did you act? (wasn't clear from your post) and why did you so suddenly feel insecure?

 

Well at first I didn't think he was mad cuz we still ended on an okay note Sunday (he was being affectionate that kinda stuff) but when I didn't get an answer back, I figured he must have thought about stuff on the way home and it didn't sit well. He said he was upset about it, but he told me on Saturday he was over it. I started getting insecure when it was time to go home - I had a very stressful week prior, and I had felt so much better during my weekend with him, and we had talked the night before about a lot of stuff (not anything bad, just talking about him and I, and it was kinda random). I had been feeling more attached to him that weekend. I dunno it just kinda hit me. I had started acting really cold, and pushed him away. I'm ashamed to say, I shed some tears when I got dropped off.

 

And perhaps the part of the message where you reply to this fell out (in the quote) but when did the "slow down" talk happen? On Thursday? (And therefore could be his response to your insecurity?)

 

Yeah on Thursday, and he told me he gave him flash backs of his ex. Then Friday came the IM - which yes was uncalled for, and he said he felt hurt thinking about everything.

[Star Gazer]

I was not being mean to you but you have this great passion to jump on anyone who questions you in any way and that is something you really should work on as it is not one bit attractive. So many people have said this to you but you never listen! Oh well!

 

Thank you for insulting me on Dreamer's thread. I appreciate it.

 

SO let me get this right, YOU are allowed to learn and offer support because of your learnings but no one else can? Is that the case?

 

No, Lishy. Pay attention. You are saying that I should learn from the advice/support I've been given, but leave Dreamer alone and not share with her my experiences...and that instead, she should shut up and "let it all play out." I disagree. While I would discourage her from ending things before she really knows who this dude is, I wouldn't encourage her to do so blindly, but with eyes WIDE OPEN. Sometimes you need friends to give you glasses. That's what we're here for.

 

I have said to Dreamer to let it play out and see what happens because she does not have half of the red flags you had and she seems much more open minded to suggestions.

 

Our red-flags at the moment you started in on me are EQUAL: a request for "space" and/or to "slow down" at a time when things otherwise seemed perfect and very early in the relationship.

 

And I am in no way shape or form making this thread about me, Lishy. Don't even try. I simply brought up your very contradictory advice to shed light on the fact that your opinion isn't as infallible as you always think it is.

[Star Gazer]

Totally agree with the way you're seeing this, K.

 

I'm someone who always struggles with my need for "me time" in relationships, and still, something doesn't sit right by me.

 

Me neither. I'm worried.

 

I read the whole thread.

 

First, I feel like your two "wrongs" aren't equal, perhaps because I don't fully understand what "your insecurity crisis" of last week consisted of - not to mention that if I understand the timeline correctly, he talked about slowing things down and that prompted some insecurity in you. You were insecure one day and acted accordingly. Not a big deal in my book, and to be expected when one of the partners talks of slowing things down - especially when things aren't rushed to begin with.

 

You're absolutely right. It's only normal to respond by feeling some insecurity after he asked to slow things down, particularly because things weren't rushed at all...they were barely speaking and/or seeing each other to begin with.

 

His wrong? He called things off. By IM. Quite suddenly. Without talking to you to try and understand you first. Sorry, but to me this is worst then one day of "insecurity" - it just wasn't very emotionnally mature on his part.

 

I completely understand that there was a "miscommunication." But even given what he thought was happening, it doesn't justify his reaction.

 

Second, there are not one but two missed phone messages to account for here. He missed the call where you left a message apologizing (who doesn't receive messages?) but then gets mad at you for checking up on him through friends. My question is: so what? I'll assume he's upset because you initiated the contact with the friend to find out if he was ok. (ie, you got in touch with the friend with the express purpose of making sure he was ok) And that's what got him so upset that he decided to call things quit BY IM without giving you the benefit of the doubt first, or, better yet, talking to you first to find out what happened? And what about the second phone calls, the one where you ask for permission to hang out with his friend? How did that phone call (the LAST NIGHT part that Lexi29 refers to) warrant his IM reaction?

 

Exactly: SO WHAT?! His reaction - ending things by IM without allowing her to explain first - isn't only emotionally immature, but it sends the signal that he's not invested. Not that he should be "all in" so early in the relationship, but he should AT LEAST be in the place where Dreamer is: not wanting to throw it away EASILY. He might be in that place now, wanting to make it "work"...but can that really be trusted?

 

His reaction, like others have pointed out, seems rather incoherent. Is there some information we are missing DG?

 

TBF always repeats the same concept that bears repeating once more here: it's a combination of his words and actions that matters most. The combination here is still worrisome.

[Gawdess]

I'm pretty sure this guy is playing you.

[vivrantflo]

I'm pretty sure this guy is playing you.

 

 

I agree..

 

Take this from a guy. When we are in a fresh relationship, and we are really into this woman, we want to be around them ALL the time.. cause the novelty is there, and it's fresh.

 

Asking for space so early in the relationship.. whether he retracted the request or not is a HUGE red flag.

 

And the whole offline IM thing wreaks of someone having something tucked between his legs..

 

DG sounds like a nice lady whom is putting more effort into making this work.. where it shouldn't need much work at all.

 

Please please, guard your heart on this one.

[Lishy]

Thank you for insulting me on Dreamer's thread. I appreciate it.

 

So to give you the same advice that everyone else gives you is an insult? After being told the same thing time and time again would you not stop and think maybe we have a point? The agressive way you respond to anything you take as a slight is quite amazing. My mission is not to offend you Star and if you had said the same to me I would have agreed that I felt I wanted to give it every chance even though everyone was telling me to watch out. I pointed this out as you were in a very similar situation to DG, not to be nasty to you as a person! Your advice to her were very similar to the advice that you just could not take!

 

 

 

No, Lishy. Pay attention. You are saying that I should learn from the advice/support I've been given, but leave Dreamer alone and not share with her my experiences...and that instead, she should shut up and "let it all play out." I disagree. While I would discourage her from ending things before she really knows who this dude is, I wouldn't encourage her to do so blindly, but with eyes WIDE OPEN. Sometimes you need friends to give you glasses. That's what we're here for.

 

Star you read things in the completely wrong way. In no way did I tell you not to give her advice or share your experience, surely that is the sole purpose to come here with problems? I was merely pointing out that you were quite aggressive with your viewpoint and you were seemingly aggitated when she was disagreeing.

 

I simply pointed out that you did the exact same thing as DG is doing yet you were less open for advise that did not agree with you, surely THAT is the contradiction here?.

 

Can you show me where I told you to shut up and stop giving advice? I think YOU need to re read what I wrote and stop being so defensive and taking evrything so personally, you have just put words into my mouth and told me that I have said something that I blatantly have not!

 

 

 

Our red-flags at the moment you started in on me are EQUAL: a request for "space" and/or to "slow down" at a time when things otherwise seemed perfect and very early in the relationship.

 

And I am in no way shape or form making this thread about me, Lishy. Don't even try. I simply brought up your very contradictory advice to shed light on the fact that your opinion isn't as infallible as you always think it is.

 

I have never said I am always right or that you MUST listen to me, I am not perfect and nor have I ever professed to be! I treat every problem as individual and yes your situation had far more red flags then DG's so far in my eyes.

 

Chill Star and stop throwing your toys out of the pram!

 

I should not have to keep replying to YOU on DG's thread but it seems that alot of threads you post on becomes a battle with someone and YOU!!

[dreamergrl]

Well, also Kamille stated she understands why it may just be a huge misunderstanding. She also pointed out that the "slow down" thing could have been a reaction to how I was on Sunday.

 

He's back to staying up on communicating with me this week, and things are getting back to normal. I will keep my eyes open, but I'm going to also stay positive, because if I keep over thinking the situation, I'm going to end pushing him away before I find out where this is going to go.

 

Thank you everyone for your input and advice!

[Kamille]

Well, also Kamille stated she understands why it may just be a huge misunderstanding. She also pointed out that the "slow down" thing could have been a reaction to how I was on Sunday.

 

He's back to staying up on communicating with me this week, and things are getting back to normal. I will keep my eyes open, but I'm going to also stay positive, because if I keep over thinking the situation, I'm going to end pushing him away before I find out where this is going to go.

 

Thank you everyone for your input and advice!

 

Don't forget to make sure that he is someone who has the emotional maturity to be a good stable possible LTR partner. In other words, this isn't all about you not pushing him away, but also him proving he is worthy of your time too. He isn't all in and neither are you. You're both just getting to know each other and you must have agreed to take things slow because you also feel there is much to discover before you can commit to an LTR.

[t_veron]

This is a long thread so I'm sure someone has already said what I am going to. Give this time. From what you've said it sounds like he's either got someone else on the side or he's getting scared you guys are getting so close. I'm somewhat optimistic that he's just scared because of his anger of you "invading" his me time by taking away his friends.

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong I think he just needs some space. Keep being nice but not overly available. He'll figure things out for himself with a little space. Time will reveal why he flipped out but you can't make him tell you before he's ready to tell you.

 

Sounds all familiar because everyone does this kind of thing from time to time. Everyone has a hangup which triggers a reaction so let him deal with it and get back to you when he's ready. Just pretend things are ok and act like it's just a temporary bump. If you get scared hen may leave because he'll pick up that you did something behind his back and are at fault. Don't apologize just be cool and see how it plays out.

[gfto]

You can study and parse his IMs ad nauseum, but "slow down" means one thing and one thing only: "I'm not that into you." It's no more complicated than that. I'm a guy, and "slow down" was my standard line when I just wanted her to go away.

[vivrantflo]

You can study and parse his IMs ad nauseum, but "slow down" means one thing and one thing only: "I'm not that into you." It's no more complicated than that. I'm a guy, and "slow down" was my standard line when I just wanted her to go away.

 

 

100% percent correct!

[Gawdess]

Yeah, I would sit back, relax, live my life and see how much he contacts you and how much effort he is willing to give for a while.

[Star Gazer]

Interesting posts from the most recent members (who I believe are all men).

 

As Tanbark would say, if you really want to know how a guy is thinking, ask a guy.

[t_veron]

You can study and parse his IMs ad nauseum, but "slow down" means one thing and one thing only: "I'm not that into you." It's no more complicated than that. I'm a guy, and "slow down" was my standard line when I just wanted her to go away.

 

I don't agree. In most cases this is true. However, there are times when we really like you but (being men) are afraid of getting too close too fast (not ready to commit). Giving us space will give us the time needed to figure out what we really want. Giving us an ultimatum or pushing us will make us run but being patient without being a doormat could keep us there.

 

Remember who you're asking the question.... a nice guy, a dog, a player, or a combination. Each will have a different meaning but the 2 common meanings boil down to what I mentioned.

[vivrantflo]

Yeah, but it wasnt just the request of "slowing things down".. it was that, and the combination of him flipping out on her for talking to his friend, and the callow act of leaving an offline IM messege "dumping" her.

 

I reiterate... if a man really wants a woman, there's no way in hell "lets slow things down" is going to come out of his mouth. Especially if he claimed he "loves" her after a fairly short time of dating.

[Lishy]

I agree with the above blanket statement to a degree BUT we are all individuals and we all have our own ways of coping with things

 

He could have simply got scared, just as I did after a messy breakup and he could be ok now. Or not! But the truth will out and right now DG just needs to play it out and see how it goes.