tinktronik Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Okay time line Sunday: DG has insecurity "freak out" Monday: DG calls to thank bf for nice weekend an apologze Tuesday: Nothing Wed night: DG gets email from bf stating he's already put in 35 hours for work in, been super busy, wasn't trying to ignore DG, didn't want to talk about Sunday Thursday morning: DG gets message saying "we'll talk tonight" Thursday night: Phone conversation with bf things seem better Friday night: DG gets invited out by friend, bf doesn't answer phone Saturday morning: DG gets IM message, then talks to bf online, then again at night. BF tells DG that Friday night he vegged at home, had a few beers to relax, started thinking and thought DG was checking up on him, he said he he stayed at his dad's house Monday and Wed cuz it's 5 min away from his shop, he had ran into the friend Wed, friend told him he was being an ass for ignoring me. Bf said he had no clue that I got invited out, which makes sense because I didn't leave him a message, I just assumed that friend talked him, but it is very possible that didn't happen because she wasn't going out till after 9 and the messages came in at 8 while he was at home. All in all, DG this does not sound like a good R, at all. Sounds like too much WORK, and stress, and miscomunication, way too early on. If you want to keep tying though, to each there own.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 All in all, DG this does not sound like a good R, at all. Sounds like too much WORK, and stress, and miscomunication, way too early on. If you want to keep tying though, to each there own. Yes it was a week from hell. Yes it's only a month into the relationship (although because we had been talking for quite sometime prior to that, it seems longer, not that it matters). But after a good conversation about it all, we both decided we want to give it a try. No matter what, at some point you do have to work at a relationship. So we had to work at it earlier then others. Every relationship is different.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Exactly. I didn't listen, and I got burned...badly. I learned something from experience, and I'm trying to share that experience. It seems like you're suggesting that we should all just stop giving advice to ANYONE, because no one will listen, we should just ALL let it play out. Sorry, but I'm not one to sit quiet while friends walk down a painful path. But I guess that's what you both want, so I will. Consider yourself warned. I agree with you SG! As a guy I can tell you that his behavior does not bode well. Dreamer is best advised to get ready. SG I'm not ignoring what you're saying, and I always appreciate your advice. I fear that your hearing but not listening.
carhill Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Here's what our psychologist told us.... 1. Everyone works 2. Everyone has family 3. Everyone has friends 4. Everyone has problems and responsibilities When one is in a relationship or marriage, one has to prioritize the above. How the relationship progresses or how healthy the marriage remains is gauged by how the respective parties meet each others needs in setting up and relating these priorities. DG, do you see yourself dealing with this gentleman's priority schedule long-term? I ask this because I assume you wish for a LTR with someone. Assume he will not change. His business will not get less busy until he chooses to retire. It and he usually will get more busy, especially if he is successful, regardless of who he hires to "run it". Just my .02 as a business owner who got married... The key is compatibility. Only the two of you know the resolution to that equation.
Trialbyfire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Like everyone else on LS, this will have to play itself out because it's what dreamergirl wants. If it survives, who knows what it might become. It's apparent this guy isn't all in but then, after only a month, how many guys are? As long as you keep your eyes open and judge him by a combination of his words and actions, you can't say you didn't try if it doesn't pan out. For dreamergirl to walk away right now, would be asking for regrets. Sometimes it's better to have the experience, as long as she keeps in mind that he needs to move closer towards putting in his 50%, into the relationship. Yes, she might get her heart ripped out but then, who doesn't?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Here's what our psychologist told us.... 1. Everyone works 2. Everyone has family 3. Everyone has friends 4. Everyone has problems and responsibilities When one is in a relationship or marriage, one has to prioritize the above. How the relationship progresses or how healthy the marriage remains is gauged by how the respective parties meet each others needs in setting up and relating these priorities. DG, do you see yourself dealing with this gentleman's priority schedule long-term? I ask this because I assume you wish for a LTR with someone. Assume he will not change. His business will not get less busy until he chooses to retire. It and he usually will get more busy, especially if he is successful, regardless of who he hires to "run it". Just my .02 as a business owner who got married... The key is compatibility. Only the two of you know the resolution to that equation. There's going to be busy times, and not so busy times, it's understandable. I don't expect him to change, the only thing I expect it some compromise on both of our ends. IN which I got and gave. I don't feel incompatible with him at all. Just the opposite.
carhill Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 As a signpost, I never talked to my wife about how busy I was and how I could work her into "my schedule" back when we were dating. I just arranged my schedule and she never knew anything except I was going to be seeing her. A gentleman doesn't burden a lady with the insignificant details of his daily responsibilities when he's courting her. For me, if that meant working all night in the shop to get a job out so I could visit her on the weekend, that's what I did. She never knew. Relationships are forged in the furnace of quiet sacrifice. Unfortunately, when the day came and my life was spiraling out of control (when my mom got ill), my wife started to sound like the gentleman in this post. Hence my presence here and my wounded marriage. Be mindful...
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 As a signpost, I never talked to my wife about how busy I was and how I could work her into "my schedule" back when we were dating. I just arranged my schedule and she never knew anything except I was going to be seeing her. A gentleman doesn't burden a lady with the insignificant details of his daily responsibilities when he's courting her. For me, if that meant working all night in the shop to get a job out so I could visit her on the weekend, that's what I did. She never knew. Relationships are forged in the furnace of quiet sacrifice. Unfortunately, when the day came and my life was spiraling out of control (when my mom got ill), my wife started to sound like the gentleman in this post. Hence my presence here and my wounded marriage. Be mindful... And he never did before. It wasn't mentioned until he found out he couldn't see me this weekend because he'd be working. It never had been an issue.
carhill Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 May I ask how long you've known this gentleman prior to dating him? I seem to recall the dating period being about a month. I'll tell you what I do and have been doing during our MC period. I listen to what my wife asks for and what the psychologist suggests and incorporate it into my daily routine. I don't look for specific actions from her, rather how I feel in her presence. Do I feel loved and valued, or just as a person taking up space. This way no one action defines my feelings. For me, as someone who's sensitive to minute details, this is important work, attaching a more global awareness versus hinging emotion on the specifics of the moment. So, if such works for you, go with that. Regardless of the specifics, if the overall feeling is one of valuation, attraction and well-being, proceed. BTW, just for accuracy, I feel more distance now than in the past. It's palpable. Guess that "I wish you were just a normal guy" comment she made in therapy has kinda stuck with me....
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 May I ask how long you've known this gentleman prior to dating him? I seem to recall the dating period being about a month. I'll tell you what I do and have been doing during our MC period. I listen to what my wife asks for and what the psychologist suggests and incorporate it into my daily routine. I don't look for specific actions from her, rather how I feel in her presence. Do I feel loved and valued, or just as a person taking up space. This way no one action defines my feelings. For me, as someone who's sensitive to minute details, this is important work, attaching a more global awareness versus hinging emotion on the specifics of the moment. So, if such works for you, go with that. Regardless of the specifics, if the overall feeling is one of valuation, attraction and well-being, proceed. BTW, just for accuracy, I feel more distance now than in the past. It's palpable. Guess that "I wish you were just a normal guy" comment she made in therapy has kinda stuck with me.... I had been talking with him at least a month prior to us dating.
carhill Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 OK, assuming you haven't had sex with him yet (sorry I forgot if you had), just go with the flow for another month (or a timeline you set) and gauge your feelings based on the global interpretation I suggested above. I think, at that point, you'll have a clearer picture. I've experienced the difference between liking/loving someone and liking/loving someone who's good for me and it can be a difficult perception to achieve, even absent sex (sex can skew feelings/perception). My wishes to you for having a much easier time of it
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 OK, assuming you haven't had sex with him yet (sorry I forgot if you had), just go with the flow for another month (or a timeline you set) and gauge your feelings based on the global interpretation I suggested above. I think, at that point, you'll have a clearer picture. I've experienced the difference between liking/loving someone and liking/loving someone who's good for me and it can be a difficult perception to achieve, even absent sex (sex can skew feelings/perception). My wishes to you for having a much easier time of it If down the line I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship, I will walk, but being that this is the first time it's been an issue - and the first time it's been talked about, I feel I need to give it some time and see if it can be what I want. It was before, and if we both want the same thing, it can be again. However, if I were to run, I wont know if ended up losing a good thing.
carhill Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 OK, and this is an important thing our psychologist has worked on with us, now set a timeline for "down the line". Leaving things open-ended has caused us more pain and clouded more issues than I care to mention. Setting timelines has really helped me with clarity, both regarding our M and my personal feelings. I know one size doesn't fit all (YMMV) but I always like to share successes Keep us posted!
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 It was before, and if we both want the same thing, it can be again. However, if I were to run, I wont know if ended up losing a good thing. Does a good thing call and b**** you out for talking to one of his friends? Just put some thought to it.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Does a good thing call and b**** you out for talking to one of his friends? Just put some thought to it. Nope and that wasn't the case, which was mentioned.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 OK, and this is an important thing our psychologist has worked on with us, now set a timeline for "down the line". Leaving things open-ended has caused us more pain and clouded more issues than I care to mention. Setting timelines has really helped me with clarity, both regarding our M and my personal feelings. I know one size doesn't fit all (YMMV) but I always like to share successes Keep us posted! I will, we'll see how dinner and Saturday goes.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 So thismorning I wake up to off line messages on my instant messenger from him: Im done you kept saying all the things i needed to hear last night. Now after i have had sleep I see your talking to ****. Now i wanted you 2 to be friends. but I didnt think you would go behind my back, Im done i love you but im not in to games and im pissed your the first girl in a long time i trusted. see what that got me. Is this what he said or.... Did I miss something? I agree the message I got was immature, but how many people on here have done stupid things that they regret? Does that automatically make them too immature for a healthy relationship, not always. The fact that he apologized and told me I did not deserve that what so ever shows that he is mature enough to own to to his mistake. Some mistakes give us a clear view of the person underneath.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Is this what he said or.... Did I miss something? Some mistakes give us a clear view of the person underneath. Yes that was said, but I had found out later not because of the reason I thought. And some mistakes are just that. If I were to be viewed on my mistakes in life, people would think I'm a real loser. But I'm not.
Lishy Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Lishy, I find your complete contradiction here really, really frustrating. You were H-E-L-L BENT on telling me how crazy I was to continue on with my BF from the VERY MOMENT he said he needed just ONE SINGLE DAY of "space." You were so up on me and negative about my relationship that I had to literally "ignore" you for an extended period of time. But now that Dreamer is in very the same situation, you think she should just let it "all play out." I don't get it. I'm not saying she should run off and dump the guy, I'm not saying he doesn't care about her at all, I'm not calling him names and making fun of her (all things you did with me in my relationship), I'm simply asking rhetorical questions to keep her eyes open. She's a smart girl, but I know how her head works... Exactly. I didn't listen, and I got burned...badly. I learned something from experience, and I'm trying to share that experience. It seems like you're suggesting that we should all just stop giving advice to ANYONE, because no one will listen, we should just ALL let it play out. Sorry, but I'm not one to sit quiet while friends walk down a painful path. But I guess that's what you both want, so I will. Consider yourself warned. Hang on, when I gave you the same advice you ignored me but I had learned from experience what the signs were. I was not being mean to you but you have this great passion to jump on anyone who questions you in any way and that is something you really should work on as it is not one bit attractive. So many people have said this to you but you never listen! Oh well! SO let me get this right, YOU are allowed to learn and offer support because of your learnings but no one else can? Is that the case? I have said to Dreamer to let it play out and see what happens because she does not have half of the red flags you had and she seems much more open minded to suggestions. I stand by that advice even though she should keep her eyes wide open! It is amazing how every post you post it becomes about you Star. Your need for attention knows no bounds!
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Yes that was said, but I had found out later not because of the reason I thought. And some mistakes are just that. If I were to be viewed on my mistakes in life, people would think I'm a real loser. But I'm not. My suggestion is that you hold your heart close for a while. Wait for his attachment to build.
Lishy Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 Definately try not to let yourself get too involved with this guy until you have had more situations and see how he responds. I must admit that I do feel some bad vibes about this guy. He completely over reacted but maybe he just has issues from being burned before and maybe he will realise you are not his ex and treat you accordingly.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Definately try not to let yourself get too involved with this guy until you have had more situations and see how he responds. I must admit that I do feel some bad vibes about this guy. He completely over reacted but maybe he just has issues from being burned before and maybe he will realise you are not his ex and treat you accordingly. I know I have a tend to over react at times. And I think that plays a big part in why I'm willing to try and see what happens because I've done the same thing.
Lishy Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 I over reacted in a relationship after I ended with my ex of 14 years. I completely flipped because he called me babe like my ex did! How sad is that? But I learned from it and realised he was not my ex. It is hard to get over previous hurts, especially if they are bad. But it can be done! Lets hope he can do it!
Author dreamergrl Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 I over reacted in a relationship after I ended with my ex of 14 years. I completely flipped because he called me babe like my ex did! How sad is that? But I learned from it and realised he was not my ex. It is hard to get over previous hurts, especially if they are bad. But it can be done! Lets hope he can do it! Lets hope I can do it too. I can feel my anxiety rising.
Lishy Posted June 9, 2008 Posted June 9, 2008 It is not rising for no reason DG - He has freaked you out with his over reaction and I would feel just the same! Eyes open hon x
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