I don't get what I did wrong

[Trialbyfire]

Work is supposed to come after you have settled way in.

After the honeymoon period!!

[dreamergrl]

Well guys, we had a looooong talk last night. It was kind of hard because the phones kept cutting out from the storm, but eventually we ended on a positive note.

 

Just to sum a few things up... as SG suggested may happen, some things did get lost in translation when talking online, so all misunderstandings were cleared up.

 

We talked about the message he had left for me yesterday morning. He said when he got home Friday night, he had a few beers to relax from the week and just started over thinking the "checking up on him" thing. He also did admit that he should have gotten in contact with me (I had brought that up), and he's going to work on being more in contact with me during the week, even if it's just to say hi when he's really busy with work. He said that they have a really busy month.

 

We talked about the slow down thing and the me time thing. He explained to me that he's been alone for most of the time that he's lived in the states (he moved here with his dad from Canada, there's more too that story but nothing I'm getting into right now), and has had to be independent that he needs his alone time. He's also been single for the last year and a half he's not used to being in a relationship. He told me "me time" consisted of him being able to spend time at home without being around people, but not just like when he comes home from work and crashes right away (like it's been this week cuz he's been putting in so many hours). He also was worried that I'd have a problem with him going out with his friends without me, which I clarified I did not have a problem with. What he meant by slow down was that because it's going to be a busy month he wasn't going to have as much time for me as he has been. He told me the last few weeks he took time off from work because he wanted to give me time, and now it's catching up to him. He told me that he should have said this to me sooner so I didn't think it was something I did, or that he was just blowing me off. So "slow down" wasn't slow our relationship down, it was just that it's going to be harder to have time this month.

 

We talked about the having time for me issue. He told me that he wants to try and make it work. He said he was fearing that he wouldn't be able to give me the time I deserve, but doesn't want to end things so he's going to make a larger attempt at making time. He said he is going to take off of work early one day this week and take me out to dinner. Then this Saturday we're going to do something.

 

He spent most of the night on the phone with me wanting to work things out, and our conversation ended with laughing and happiness - the way we've been with each other until all this happened this week. Maybe some think it shouldn't be this much work, but to me if we're both willing to work at it, it's worth it. If he didn't want to be with me, he would not have spent so long on the phone talking about all this and sorting it out.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

He also did admit that he should have gotten in contact with me (I had brought that up), and he's going to work on being more in contact with me during the week, even if it's just to say hi when he's really busy with work. He said that they have a really busy month.

 

 

We talked about the having time for me issue. He told me that he wants to try and make it WORK. He said he was fearing that he wouldn't be able to give me the time I deserve, but doesn't want to end things so he's going to make a larger attempt at making time. He said he is going to take off of work early one day this week and take me out to dinner. Then this Saturday we're going to do something.

 

He spent most of the night on the phone with me wanting to WORK things out, and our conversation ended with laughing and happiness - the way we've been with each other until all this happened this week. Maybe some think it shouldn't be this much WORK, but to me if we're both willing to WORK at it, it's worth it. If he didn't want to be with me, he would not have spent so long on the phone talking about all this and sorting it out.

 

That word "work" sure seems to come up a lot, doesn't it?

 

When I read this, I can't hep but think why is it so much work to be with Dreamergirl? From all the posts I have read from you on this forum, you seem like such an awesome chick Why does it come off like keeping in contact with you and making time to see you is more of a burden than a pleasure?

 

Despite these reservations, I think you have handled this situation very gracefully and it sounds like it is worth the shot. I think the main point that should be taken from this post is the way he reacted to you initially when you set up a meeting with his friend. His reaction was a bit strange, no? He kinda blew his top over nothing. This is what I would be most concerned about. Is he going to do that again when something happens that does not please him? When there is a miscommunication will he try to step back and clarify things or is he going to send you another nasty note? I think how he handles stress like this in the future will tell you a lot about whether or not you should continue the relationship. Hopefully he will give you the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.

[dreamergrl]

That word "work" sure seems to come up a lot, doesn't it?

 

When I read this, I can't hep but think why is it so much work to be with Dreamergirl? From all the posts I have read from you on this forum, you seem like such an awesome chick Why does it come off like keeping in contact with you and making time to see you is more of a burden than a pleasure?

 

Despite these reservations, I think you have handled this situation very gracefully and it sounds like it is worth the shot. I think the main point that should be taken from this post is the way he reacted to you initially when you set up a meeting with his friend. His reaction was a bit strange, no? He kinda blew his top over nothing. This is what I would be most concerned about. Is he going to do that again when something happens that does not please him? When there is a miscommunication will he try to step back and clarify things or is he going to send you another nasty note? I think how he handles stress like this in the future will tell you a lot about whether or not you should continue the relationship. Hopefully he will give you the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.

 

Well it was mentioned before that it wasn't because I was gonna go out with his friend, turns out it was about something that happened earlier in the week. (I think it's on page 2). He didn't even know I was gonna go out with the friend, instead he was referring to me trying to find out if he was alright when I couldn't get a hold of him earlier this week. He thought I didn't trust him. We both agreed the the message he left for me was uncalled for. We talked about it, and he knows it hurt me, and he feels awful about it. I'd be alarmed if there was no remorse for it, but that he showed right away. To me, right now, it's worth trying and seeing how things go. There are so many other positive factors that I'm not okay with just letting go yet.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

We talked about it, and he knows it hurt me, and he feels awful about it. I'd be alarmed if there was no remorse for it, but that he showed right away. To me, right now, it's worth trying and seeing how things go. There are so many other positive factors that I'm not okay with just letting go yet.

 

I agree, it sounds like there are a lot of positive factors. It is worth it to see how things go.

 

My point was just to keep an eye out for future behavior. He felt awful and expressed remorse. Awesome. Hopefully he won't jump to conclusions next time. He has trust issues, but you are giving him reasons to trust you. Hopefully he will feel more free coming to you in the future when he has a concern. You have created a positive environment for him to do so.

[dreamergrl]

I agree, it sounds like there are a lot of positive factors. It is worth it to see how things go.

 

My point was just to keep an eye out for future behavior. He felt awful and expressed remorse. Awesome. Hopefully he won't jump to conclusions next time. He has trust issues, but you are giving him reasons to trust you. Hopefully he will feel more free coming to you in the future when he has a concern. You have created a positive environment for him to do so.

 

I understand what you're saying completely. And I will be keeping my eye out in the future. I think the fact that he's willing to work at it and try, instead of just giving up and calling it quits says a lot. I asked him at one point if he thought we should just call it quits, and he said he'd hate to lose me, and only would be willing to do just that if it would make me happy, and when it came down to it, it wasn't the choice that would make me happy. Thanks for your thoughts :)

[Gawdess]

Why was he talking on the phone with you telling you all this instead of being with his girlfriend in person on a Friday night? Doesn't make sense to me, sorry. A guy wants to see his girlfriend, he didn't even want to see you last night.

 

Sorry but I believe he's all talk in order to get laid when he wants it.

[Lishy]

DG, I am glad that you got the chance to thrash it out and air your differences.

 

I really do not want to rain on your parade babe but please keep those rose tinted specs off and be aware as his behaviour does not add up!

 

I really really hope it all works out and you are happy babe x

[dreamergrl]

DG, I am glad that you got the chance to thrash it out and air your differences.

 

I really do not want to rain on your parade babe but please keep those rose tinted specs off and be aware as his behaviour does not add up!

 

I really really hope it all works out and you are happy babe x

 

Thanks Lishy, we talked about the behavior and everything, a lot of little things got cleared up. I know I should have mentioned this way earlier, but I was ashamed to say anything, but I had shown my own insecurities on Sunday - so to speak. Which had an impact on how the week went. In my mind I guess I was hoping it wasn't as big of a deal as it was, but as I found out last night, it played a part in all of this. We've both decided to put both of what we have done behind us though.

[Lishy]

That is good DG.

 

Can I ask exactly what you did that was wrong? You should never feel ashamed on here DG as no one knows you, the beauty of an anonymous advice forum babe, we should be more honest here than we can ever be!

[dreamergrl]

That is good DG.

 

Can I ask exactly what you did that was wrong? You should never feel ashamed on here DG as no one knows you, the beauty of an anonymous advice forum babe, we should be more honest here than we can ever be!

 

I had a rather stressful week prior to our weekend. It all went well until it was almost time for me to head home. Everything just kinda caught up with me, and hit me (does that make any sense?). I've been great on working on my insecurities until then, and he's never really given me a reason to be insecure. I've had so many abusive (whether it's verbal or physical) relationships, I've been one to push away the healthy ones. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be treated as good, or being treated good scares me. I had the same issue with my ex fiance, and would push him away. Finding silly things to be upset about. Anyways, everything kinda just hit me at once when I was getting ready to go home, and I got this abandoned feeling. Dumb I know. And so I started to find ways to push him away. But when it was time to say goodbye, he had given me this huge hug and told me not to worry because there would be more hugs next time we saw each other. And amazingly enough, I pushed away the crappy feelings stirring in me and hugged him back, and we parted on okay terms. The next day I had called because I wanted to thank him for a great weekend, and apologize... and that's when the NC started.

 

We talked about last Sunday, and he said he completely understood and he's not upset with me about it. He told me that from now on, whether he's busy or if he's upset, he'll shoot me a message or call me just to have some contact.

[Lishy]

Well that is good babe

 

It seems like you can talk to him and that is a definate plus!

 

Keep us informed how it goes and dont be ashamed at anything you do ok? We are here to help you x

[dreamergrl]

Well that is good babe

 

It seems like you can talk to him and that is a definate plus!

 

Keep us informed how it goes and dont be ashamed at anything you do ok? We are here to help you x

 

I will! Thanks! :D:bunny:

[vivrantflo]

I notice that no one is acknowledging Gawdess' posts, which is kinda unfortunate, cause I think she's been SPOT ON in all of them.

 

DG likes this guy, and is very optimistic.. but in my opinion.. deep down, she knows something is still not right with this guy..

 

I really hope he doesnt end up hurting you, but if it so happens that he's not as into you as you may think.. I'm sure you'll take "red flags" a LOT more seriously the next time around..

 

Good luck

[dreamergrl]

I notice that no one is acknowledging Gawdess' posts, which is kinda unfortunate, cause I think she's been SPOT ON in all of them.

 

DG likes this guy, and is very optimistic.. but in my opinion.. deep down, she knows something is still not right with this guy..

 

I really hope he doesnt end up hurting you, but if it so happens that he's not as into you as you may think.. I'm sure you'll take "red flags" a LOT more seriously the next time around..

 

Good luck

 

Would you care to share with me what is still not right with my guy?

[Gawdess]

Would you care to share with me what is still not right with my guy?

 

He isn't really wanting to see you on the weekend. I know he gave you some excuse and you will share this with us. Like I stated before, he isn't really wanting to see you that much, during the early stage of being exclusive, you are wanting to see your girlfriend. He is talking to you on the phone ironing things out yet we is he with you right now?

I'm not saying it won't work but I think you should back off and see how long it takes for him to come to you.

The NC game he played, I don't think that is a sign of a guy who is really emotionally invested in you.

[dreamergrl]

He isn't really wanting to see you on the weekend. I know he gave you some excuse and you will share this with us. Like I stated before, he isn't really wanting to see you that much, during the early stage of being exclusive, you are wanting to see your girlfriend. He is talking to you on the phone ironing things out yet we is he with you right now?

I'm not saying it won't work but I think you should back off and see how long it takes for him to come to you.

The NC game he played, I don't think that is a sign of a guy who is really emotionally invested in you.

 

I'm sorry but I don't see him having to work as an excuse. He's responsible for his business to function, and they are having a busy month. I'm not going to demand that I come before that. We are having dinner this week, and going to be getting together after a graduate party I have to go to on Saturday, and spending the time together till the one he has to go to on Sunday.

 

There's a good 45 min between where we live, and it's not easy to make our schedules work perfectly together. I'm not going to demand all his free time, just as I wouldn't want him to demand all my free time.

 

We talked for hours last night about things, I don't see why one who isn't all that into me would sit there on the phone with me for hours asking how we can make this work.

[Star Gazer]

I think the fact that he's willing to work at it and try, instead of just giving up and calling it quits says a lot.

 

I don't see why one who isn't all that into me would sit there on the phone with me for hours asking how we can make this work.

 

Read that again. Is anyone else seeing what I am?

 

"Willing to" work at it and try.

 

Spending hours on the phone "asking" you how to make it work.

 

You haven't been dating long enough for any "work" to be required here, Dreamer... This should be the easy time...

[lino]

You folks must be young..he sounds about 19 years old. It's utterly ridiculous to resort to sending offline IMs like some teenager.

 

I honestly think you should date an adult, and not this guy. He needs to grow up and start acting like a man, not a boy.

 

I agree with this

[Lishy]

Read that again. Is anyone else seeing what I am?

 

"Willing to" work at it and try.

 

Spending hours on the phone "asking" you how to make it work.

 

You haven't been dating long enough for any "work" to be required here, Dreamer... This should be the easy time...

 

You were told all of these things with your ex Star but as you know, when you are in the situation and feel the emotion it is not so cut and dry.

 

I think Dreamer needs to play this out and see where it goes, she is liking this guy alot and she needs to see for herself just how it goes. It is so much easier to see things from the outside.

 

Star I could have written the conclusions to your past relationship but you would never have listened, just like us all!

[dreamergrl]

I'd rather have to work at my insecurities, and our conflicting schedules then just cut him loose.

 

Aside from last week, things have been so great with him. He and I both did something stupid during the week, and if he's willing to look past what I did, how can I not look past what he did? Both of us were wrong, both of us admitted it, and both of us want it to work - so what's wrong with that??

[Star Gazer]

You were told all of these things with your ex Star but as you know, when you are in the situation and feel the emotion it is not so cut and dry.

 

I think Dreamer needs to play this out and see where it goes, she is liking this guy alot and she needs to see for herself just how it goes. It is so much easier to see things from the outside.

 

Lishy, I find your complete contradiction here really, really frustrating. You were H-E-L-L BENT on telling me how crazy I was to continue on with my BF from the VERY MOMENT he said he needed just ONE SINGLE DAY of "space." You were so up on me and negative about my relationship that I had to literally "ignore" you for an extended period of time.

 

But now that Dreamer is in very the same situation, you think she should just let it "all play out." I don't get it. I'm not saying she should run off and dump the guy, I'm not saying he doesn't care about her at all, I'm not calling him names and making fun of her (all things you did with me in my relationship), I'm simply asking rhetorical questions to keep her eyes open. She's a smart girl, but I know how her head works...

 

Star I could have written the conclusions to your past relationship but you would never have listened, just like us all!

 

Exactly. I didn't listen, and I got burned...badly. I learned something from experience, and I'm trying to share that experience. It seems like you're suggesting that we should all just stop giving advice to ANYONE, because no one will listen, we should just ALL let it play out.

 

Sorry, but I'm not one to sit quiet while friends walk down a painful path. But I guess that's what you both want, so I will. Consider yourself warned.

[dreamergrl]

Sorry, but I'm not one to sit quiet while friends walk down a painful path. But I guess that's what you both want, so I will. Consider yourself warned.

 

SG I'm not ignoring what you're saying, and I always appreciate your advice.

[lexi29]

dreamergrl, I really do hope this works out and I've read the entire thread and the updates and see that you and your guy are in a better place right now. now I normally have a lot of anxiety in my own relationship so maybe I'm not the best person around here to give advice but honestly something here just doesn't make sense.

 

You stated that you think he is a great guy, everything was going well and you are being a very cool girlfriend giving him space, being very understanding that he works long hours and rarely sees you. His friends like and approve of you etc. This guy should be crazy about you! but instead this guy tells you he feels the need to slow down (and you don't seem to be clingy or rushing things at all!)Then he goes almost a week without talking to you and even his friends who you don't know that well are calling you and inviting you out. When you try to contact him to make sure he is ok with this (again very thoughtful of you) you STILL don't hear from him and instead shortly afterward you get this message

 

"Im done you kept saying all the things i needed to hear last night. Now after i have had sleep I see your talking to ****. Now i wanted you 2 to be friends. but I didnt think you would go behind my back, Im done i love you but im not in to games and im pissed your the first girl in a long time i trusted. see what that got me. "

 

May I add we've never said "I love you" before

 

 

Maybe I am interpreting this wrong but it just doesn't make sense to me. He is now claiming that he was refering to an incident that happened BEFORE he told you he needed to slow down so this would mean this incident occurred about a week before he sent this message? But he refers to "you kept saying all the things I needed to hear LAST NIGHT" So of course I see why you would think he was referring to the situation of you talking to his chick friend about going out (because that happened the night before he sent this message correct? You also mention that he has never said I love you before. Why in an IM would he suddenly tell you "I'm done, I Love you but I'm not into games" Why wouldn't he say "I was falling for you or I like you? Especially if you've never talked about loving eachother or exchanged those words.. why would he suddenly throw that into an angry rant?

 

Also he mentions that you kept saying all the things he needed to hear LAST NIGHT when you hadn't even talked to him in several days???

 

Sorry, maybe I'm totally off her (and I really hope I am!) but my gut reaction is that your guy meant this message for someone else!! Maybe he has an ex girlfriend he is talking to again or something and she approached his chick friend (that you talked to about going out) to ask if he was seeing anyone- I have no idea, just wild speculation, maybe it was another situation entirely and not related to cheating or anything but its just really weird that he wants space, didnt' talk to you for several days (to the point where you were worried something bad happened to him!) and you call his chick friend to see if he's ok and he's claiming he felt like you were checking up on him and THIS is the "real" reason he sent this message to you? That doesn't make sense either? Why would a guy who has a girlfriend be upset that she is worried about him after not hearing from him in several days? He says his phone wasn't working??? I agree with the poster who said that doesn't make sense either. Obviously if he's been so busy working and also wants time to himself when he's not working and his phone doesnt' receive incoming calls how did he talk to his chick friend (Or whoever told him you called her concerned about him)??

 

Things just don't add up. To me it sounds like he is interested in you but either has something else on the side and is saying what he needs to to keep you around in case the other thing doesn't work out or he's just a very hardworking guy who really doesnt' have time for a relationship right now.I really do hope I am wrong but be careful and watch your back.

[dreamergrl]

Also he mentions that you kept saying all the things he needed to hear LAST NIGHT when you hadn't even talked to him in several days???

 

Sorry, maybe I'm totally off her (and I really hope I am!) but my gut reaction is that your guy meant this message for someone else!! Maybe he has an ex girlfriend he is talking to again or something and she approached his chick friend (that you talked to about going out) to ask if he was seeing anyone- I have no idea, just wild speculation, maybe it was another situation entirely and not related to cheating or anything but its just really weird that he wants space, didnt' talk to you for several days (to the point where you were worried something bad happened to him!) and you call his chick friend to see if he's ok and he's claiming he felt like you were checking up on him and THIS is the "real" reason he sent this message to you? That doesn't make sense either? Why would a guy who has a girlfriend be upset that she is worried about him after not hearing from him in several days? He says his phone wasn't working??? I agree with the poster who said that doesn't make sense either. Obviously if he's been so busy working and also wants time to himself when he's not working and his phone doesnt' receive incoming calls how did he talk to his chick friend (Or whoever told him you called her concerned about him)??

 

Okay time line

Sunday: DG has insecurity "freak out"

Monday: DG calls to thank bf for nice weekend an apologze

Tuesday: Nothing

Wed night: DG gets email from bf stating he's already put in 35 hours for work in, been super busy, wasn't trying to ignore DG, didn't want to talk about Sunday

Thursday morning: DG gets message saying "we'll talk tonight"

Thursday night: Phone conversation with bf things seem better

Friday night: DG gets invited out by friend, bf doesn't answer phone

Saturday morning: DG gets IM message, then talks to bf online, then again at night. BF tells DG that Friday night he vegged at home, had a few beers to relax, started thinking and thought DG was checking up on him, he said he he stayed at his dad's house Monday and Wed cuz it's 5 min away from his shop, he had ran into the friend Wed, friend told him he was being an ass for ignoring me. Bf said he had no clue that I got invited out, which makes sense because I didn't leave him a message, I just assumed that friend talked him, but it is very possible that didn't happen because she wasn't going out till after 9 and the messages came in at 8 while he was at home.