Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Obviously not. That "offense" caused a problem. Did it cause him a problem or her a problem? Best to consider this. I don't see her dumping him for it, do you?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 The best defence is offense. If there are trust issues, it's not you. We talked about that this morning too. I told him that I'm not anyone else, I'm me, I'm not her, and he told me I was right, I'm not her "way not her" as he put it.
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Immaturity would be me, right now with the marital discord I'm having, saying emphatically "I want a divorce!" when my wife and I disagree or I'm hurt by something she says or does. Sure we all screw up, and I did plenty when I was his age, and the reward was a life without a girlfriend, which was completely appropriate. Maturity has taught me to not reward behaviors I find incompatible with my time, attention and emotion. I learned that from women Perhaps (and likely) it's a personal perspective. I liken a healthy LTR, emotionally, to a quiet day on the beach, sitting in my beach chair with the waves crashing in the background and the sea breeze wafting over my face. Others prefer LTR's to be like the Sheikra at Busch Gardens Tampa. Everyone is different. So, slow things down and see what comes. No animals will be harmed in the process
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I told him that I don't look at him as the person who burned me last. I also told him that it had nothing to do with trust. He didn't understand why I was worried until he found out I had been trying to call him this week, and that's when we found out he wasn't getting the incoming phone calls. I forwarded the email I had sent to the friend to show him that I wasn't just checking up on him, and then things started to get back on track. This is part of the reason he did the "we need to slow down" talk.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 We talked about that this morning too. I told him that I'm not anyone else, I'm me, I'm not her, and he told me I was right, I'm not her "way not her" as he put it. Yes, I read that. He's got some angst to address. You have to wonder if he's a bit of a self-saboteur.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Did it cause him a problem or her a problem? Best to consider this. I don't see her dumping him for it, do you? Ugh. You're so transparent. Perhaps you didn't read the opening post, but his so-called "best defense" caused HER a problem. His "offense" caused enough concern for her to start this thread, and while they resolved one issue, she remains confused. Ultimately, if he continues employing a "best defense" like this, he'll eventually ruin the relationship, which will obviously be a problem for him as well.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Dreamer - you're referring to "showing me" conversations and forwarding emails... Please tell me you two are actually SPEAKING to one another when you're having these talks...??
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Ugh. You're so transparent. Perhaps you didn't read the opening post, but his so-called "best defense" caused HER a problem. His "offense" caused enough concern for her to start this thread, and while they resolved one issue, she remains confused. Ultimately, if he continues employing a "best defense" like this, he'll eventually ruin the relationship, which will obviously be a problem for him as well. Stargazer, stop making things up in your head. It's annoying. It will cause him a problem if he wants to have a healthy relationship. Refer to my last post.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Yes, I read that. He's got some angst to address. You have to wonder if he's a bit of a self-saboteur. I was thinking that as well because I've done the same thing, and was on the verge of it at one point. I did that with all the good guys in my past. One dealt with it to a certain extent, but had enough after a while. I used to think I didn't deserve to be treated well. Sometimes I still deal with that, just not like I used to.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It will cause him a problem if he wants to have a healthy relationship. Refer to my last post. Which you posted AFTER I pointed out how it was a problem. I love the piggy-backing.
2sunny Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 i have read all your info and this is what i would recommend: don't call or im him for at least more than a week. allow him time to clear his mind of the nasty week you've just both experienced with several misunderstandings. he needs time to see what he prefers and so do you. after much thought - you may not choose to spend time with him if he will overreact to the slightest little bump in the road - or if he is a man that takes his baggage from past relationships and portrays it on to you. (yes, which he has done). you both need the time apart to see if you still want to give it a try. give him time and see if he makes an effort to keep in touch with you. that will allow you to understand what his preference is... all the info you gave adds up to excuses on his part that show him not being interested enough - or possibly very immature/insecure. stay busy. read, work, exercise or cook to distract yourself if you feel as though you miss him. what you want to see is the effort from his side... if you don't see any or little - then it's finished.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I was thinking that as well because I've done the same thing, and was on the verge of it at one point. I did that with all the good guys in my past. One dealt with it to a certain extent, but had enough after a while. I used to think I didn't deserve to be treated well. Sometimes I still deal with that, just not like I used to. I guess it will be a matter of addressing each issue as it appears with him. Let's see if things calm down and his paranoia goes away, the more secure he feels in this relationship. Just don't get into a "need to prove yourself" mode. It's draining and so not worth it. Yes, I do speak from personal experience.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Dreamer - you're referring to "showing me" conversations and forwarding emails... Please tell me you two are actually SPEAKING to one another when you're having these talks...?? No, I was online trying to work this morning, and trying to figure out wtf was going on, and he popped on and started talking. To be honest, it's a lot easier for me to say what I have to say then on the phone or face to face because I have time to think before reacting - which in certain situations is much needed for me.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 No, I was online trying to work this morning, and trying to figure out wtf was going on, and he popped on and started talking. To be honest, it's a lot easier for me to say what I have to say then on the phone or face to face because I have time to think before reacting - which in certain situations is much needed for me. I totally get that it is easier to say what you have to say... but that doesn't mean the other person is interpreting it the way you intended. You may be misinterpreting his words as well. As you know, a lot gets lost in translation.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I guess it will be a matter of addressing each issue as it appears with him. Let's see if things calm down and his paranoia goes away, the more secure he feels in this relationship. Just don't get into a "need to prove yourself" mode. It's draining and so not worth it. Yes, I do speak from personal experience. I don't feel the need to prove myself to anyone, but there are things that I learned I needed to come to terms with when putting myself in a relationship. He'll be calling in a few hours... "just to talk" as he said... I'm wondering if we should talk about anything to do with "us" or just keep it casual.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I totally get that it is easier to say what you have to say... but that doesn't mean the other person is interpreting it the way you intended. You may be misinterpreting his words as well. As you know, a lot gets lost in translation. Yeah this is true. Although I had a hard time interpreting what he was trying to say on Thursday, but that could be because everything was all skewed cuz we weren't on the same page. There was a lot of awkward silence too. I hate awkward silence! It was so weird cuz we never have awkward silence. We're normally very chatty.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I don't feel the need to prove myself to anyone, but there are things that I learned I needed to come to terms with when putting myself in a relationship. He'll be calling in a few hours... "just to talk" as he said... I'm wondering if we should talk about anything to do with "us" or just keep it casual.I would let him lead or he might shut down on you, with the end result being that nothing gets accomplished.
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Honestly DG, I know you like this person. However, this seems like a lot of pressure/ stress at a time when a R should be easy and fairly carefree. Would you not enjoy a R that you could relax and be a young person in, where it starts slowly without a bunch of stress this and stress that?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Honestly DG, I know you like this person. However, this seems like a lot of pressure/ stress at a time when a R should be easy and fairly carefree. Would you not enjoy a R that you could relax and be a young person in, where it starts slowly without a bunch of stress this and stress that? It was stress free, until this week, and I know it's very possible for it to go back to being stress free. If we're on the same page.
Walk Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 he didn't know I had called at all this week, as he isn't getting incoming phone calls. It seems odd to me that he wouldn't notice for a full week that he hasn't received even 1 single phone call from anyone. Not a single one. And maybe I could potentially see it as a possibility IF he weren't in a relationship, had very few friends, and normally didn't recieve calls. But dreamergrl said he has friends, and he's currently in a monogamous relationship and proclaims to love her. (isn't that correct?) Im done i love you but im not in to games and im pissed your the first girl in a long time i trusted. see what that got me. Plus, if you two normally speak during the week at a healthy level, and it seems as if you suddenly and completely stop calling him... you're telling me he didn't notice? His new gf completely stops calling, and it doesn't even register for him? Then when his new gf talks to his friend, and he finds out, he blows a nut? He can speak to his friends, but can't call his gf? Is there something I'm completely missing in this?? None of this makes any sense. The whole thing smells fishy to me. Unless there's a lot getting lost in the translation.. but it doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. I really hope your conversation with him this evening goes well. I'm rooting for you in this, and I hope you two can straighten things out to work the best for both of you... but dang your guy is confusing.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It seems odd to me that he wouldn't notice for a full week that he hasn't received even 1 single phone call from anyone. Not a single one. And maybe I could potentially see it as a possibility IF he weren't in a relationship, had very few friends, and normally didn't recieve calls. But dreamergrl said he has friends, and he's currently in a monogamous relationship and proclaims to love her. (isn't that correct?) Plus, if you two normally speak during the week at a healthy level, and it seems as if you suddenly and completely stop calling him... you're telling me he didn't notice? His new gf completely stops calling, and it doesn't even register for him? Then when his new gf talks to his friend, and he finds out, he blows a nut? He can speak to his friends, but can't call his gf? Is there something I'm completely missing in this?? None of this makes any sense. The whole thing smells fishy to me. Unless there's a lot getting lost in the translation.. but it doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense. I really hope your conversation with him this evening goes well. I'm rooting for you in this, and I hope you two can straighten things out to work the best for both of you... but dang your guy is confusing. I agree with everything you said, Walk. It's fishy...
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It was stress free, until this week, and I know it's very possible for it to go back to being stress free. If we're on the same page. DG even the "need to slow down" and "talk of his emotional problems due to lack of trust issues" seems too early introduced into this relationship to me.Part of the happiness and fun of being a young person and in a new relationship is the rush too fast, and hanging out and just being buds with the benefit of romance without getting all uptight in any way. Your not supposed to get uptight until you've got some years or some major damage under your belt. These are just warning signs for me. You should not be having to WORK at anything this early on.
SpikeyChick Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Look, all you doom and gloom merchants. DreamyG LIKES this guy and obviously she is NOT going to take your "advice" to walk away just because YOU say so. Neither should she -most of your advice is lame. I agree that his behavior was confusing and he and she still need to talk this out to a resolution. Your relentless attempts to undermine her hope in the viabilty of this relationship are really not helpful at all. The bottom line is that she likes him and he likes her - so drop all the attempts to white-ant her. Oh, I know. You are all just trying to "help" because you care..Yeah, right .. None of you KNOW what he meant about slowing down and wanting "me time" only HE knows and his explanations may be benign . IT is up to him to set her mind at rest here, and it is up to her to play her part in moving this relationship forward (or not if she chooses) Most relationships have rocky patches in the first few months while the parties are "getting to know" the other. If you date someone seriously, then you also date their mindset too, which usually includes their baggage from the past - nobody is baggage free. We all are affected and effected by out past experiences and so we should be. Memory shapes us . Gawd knows there is a mountain of such "baggage" dumped here in all your "advice" .. To DreamyGrl..go forward with this relationship to it's NATURAL outcome. Ignore all the negativity and the attempts to create suspicion by most of the other posts . IF this R works for you GREAT ,if not then you will have acquired some valuable skills to employ in the next chapter.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 DG even the "need to slow down" and "talk of his emotional problems due to lack of trust issues" seems too early introduced into this relationship to me.Part of the happiness and fun of being a young person and in a new relationship is the rush too fast, and hanging out and just being buds with the benefit of romance without getting all uptight in any way. Your not supposed to get uptight until you've got some years or some major damage under your belt. These are just warning signs for me. You should not be having to WORK at anything this early on. I agree with this. Of what I would term my successful relationships, this has been the case. The ones with "hard work" have been busts.
tinktronik Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I agree with this. Of what I would term my successful relationships, this has been the case. The ones with "hard work" have been busts. Work is supposed to come after you have settled way in.
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