Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I'll repeat what I said earlier. And if you read the update above.. He owned up to the mistake, apologized, and talked about it. That to me is a real man. I'm glad that he and I can talk about things and get them worked out. To me that is a great sign.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Has he ever dated this "friend"? Or has this "friend" ever wanted to date him? I told him straight out if "slow down" meant he didn't want to see me any longer to just tell me. He said that wasn't the case at all. Of course that's not the case, it's way too extreme. But if you had asked whether "slow down" meant still seeing each other but without being exclusive, I bet the answer would have been different. Thing is, how would you do that - go from being BF/GF and exclusive to not, while still seeing each other? Ya kinda can't. It's a demotion. I think he was/IS STILL struggling with that concept, and had tried to use this "friend" issue as an excuse for an out. IME, Dreamer... a need for "space," or "me time" or trying to "slow down" something that is ALREADY SLOW (i.e., he's crazy busy and you two don't even talk for a week) is a bad, bad sign. Been there, several times. He's having doubts (which is normal). Instead of telling him the barely existent time you do get from him is okay, you should have told him to contact you when he's ready to go the same speed you are...obviously, anything else is honestly a waste of your time.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 SG As always thanks for your great advice..... but there's an update a few posts up on this situation Oooh and no, he's never dated his chick friends. Has he ever dated this "friend"? Or has this "friend" ever wanted to date him? Of course that's not the case, it's way too extreme. But if you had asked whether "slow down" meant still seeing each other but without being exclusive, I bet the answer would have been different. Thing is, how would you do that - go from being BF/GF and exclusive to not, while still seeing each other? Ya kinda can't. It's a demotion. I think he was/IS STILL struggling with that concept, and had tried to use this "friend" issue as an excuse for an out. IME, Dreamer... a need for "space," or "me time" or trying to "slow down" something that is ALREADY SLOW (i.e., he's crazy busy and you two don't even talk for a week) is a bad, bad sign. Been there, several times. He's having doubts (which is normal). Instead of telling him the barely existent time you do get from him is okay, you should have told him to contact you when he's ready to go the same speed you are...obviously, anything else is honestly a waste of your time.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I already read the updates and edited accordingly. "Friend issue" aside, pretending like it never happened, I still think the need for "space" is a bad sign, particularly given that you haven't been spending much time together. Be careful, chickie.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I already read the updates and edited accordingly. "Friend issue" aside, pretending like it never happened, I still think the need for "space" is a bad sign, particularly given that you haven't been spending much time together. Be careful, chickie. Well what I got out of the conversation this morning was he was more so freaked cuz he thought I didn't trust him and that's what started the slow things down. He also said that we should talk face to face soon or at least on the phone when he gets done with work today. I asked straight out if I should be worried about this talk, cuz whenever I hear "we need to talk" I think the worse. He said everything is fine that he just wants to talk, and I have nothing to worry about. I know works been crazy mad for him this week. He owns his company and has been getting swamped with work. We've been spending the weekends together cuz with my job and his work it's hard to get together during the week. I get what your saying, it just seems like his tune has changed since the slow down talk. Only time can tell
AriaIncognito Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I still think the need for "space" is a bad sign, particularly given that you haven't been spending much time together. Be careful, chickie. I dont know if needing space is a bad sign. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and see what you think you'd do. Say you're overworked and stressed out. You spend long hours at work and when you get home you typically just eat dinner and crash. Maybe you are on the phone alot throughout the day and dont want to talk on it again. Maybe you dealt with one too many a-holes at work that day and don't want human contact. Etc. Everyone has their ways they need to cope with everyday life. For some people, it's decompression, spending time alone doing whatever it is they feel they need to do. It's up to dreamer if she is willing and able to accept that about him. Personally, I think having separate lives is healthy to an extent. Is it healthy if he starts turning down invites to see her each week, no. Is it healthy if he has long days and just wants to be? I think so. Men and women also seem to be wired differently. I think men are a little more out of sight out of mind than women. We women tend to think about our SOs a lot when they are gone and can't imagine why they aren't thinking the same amount, but also remember we are the nuturers/caregivers in the grand scheme of evolution and all that, while they were always focused on providing. Just my 2 cents.
Gawdess Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Ummm, sorry, her boyfriend does sound like an immature whack job. You would state the same thing if it was a guy posting about his girlfriend's behavior. If a guy tells you "I need my "me" time" that is condescending and that is a sign he is just not that into you. It totally sounds like Dreamergirl wasn't going too fast or pushing, so the fact that he stated that shows he was a weirdo and just not that into her. For pete's sake, some of the projected and displaced rage and bitterness from some of you towards men is breathtaking. Half of the replies have resorted to your old favorite insults, " immature, insecure , does not deserve you .....blah blah.." How about sharpening some new arrows ladies. There is NO evidence that he wanted to break up with Dreamy . There is ample evidence that he was HAPPY with her and their relationship - her original post paints just such a picture. There is SOME confusion about what he was suggesting, and why, when he suggested that they "slow down", but unfortunately, they had a meltdown before that was discussed. She is in distress right now and is looking for insight and some clarity - instead she gets anti-male spite, name calling and mudslinging and unfounded speculation about what HE is/was thinking.. There is NO way of knowing what is on that man's mind. Only he knows - the rest of you are just stabbing wildly in the dark. Clearly he has misread the intent of her actions. His reaction is extreme, but agree or not, it is HIS reaction to what he perceived to be some kind of sneaky behavior on Dreamy's part. All we know at this point is that he is UPSET and we do NOT know why and neither does Dreamy.. I have read her reply to him and it is clear and to the point. It is his postion now to respond to her and attempt to mend the fence. Dreamy, leave it alone for a few days until the fire in both of you has died down. There is a HUGE misunderstanding here on his part. HE needs to allow himself to become aware of that and follow it up with an approach to her. Lets NOT get so freakin' HISSY about this ladies- most of YOU are overreacting by screaming "apology", "dump him" ,and so on. The Dreamy One needs some friends.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and see what you think you'd do. Say you're overworked and stressed out. You spend long hours at work and when you get home you typically just eat dinner and crash. Maybe you are on the phone alot throughout the day and dont want to talk on it again. Maybe you dealt with one too many a-holes at work that day and don't want human contact. Etc. Everyone has their ways they need to cope with everyday life. For some people, it's decompression, spending time alone doing whatever it is they feel they need to do. I hear you. Everyone deals with stress differently. But if I were in his shoes, already getting space from my SO and already progressing at a slow pace because of my schedule, if I were really into the person, I wouldn't be asking for MORE space or to move MORE slowly. My point is only this: If he's already getting space FROM HER (because he's busy, etc.), to then actually ask for space when he's already getting it, or to ask to slow things down when they're not even seeing each other...is bad sign. How many times have we seen this here? Seriously?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 My point is only this: If he's already getting space FROM HER (because he's busy, etc.), to then actually ask for space when he's already getting it, or to ask to slow things down when they're not even seeing each other...is bad sign. How many times have we seen this here? Seriously? This is what I'm trying to look at it as. It's not really "me time" for him if he's busy. This is were I'm getting conflicted. I respect he needs his time, and that work as picked up for him a lot. But I guess I am also worried that maybe he's not as into me. I want to be an understanding person, and I also know that in the past I've lacked that, or got over paranoid about these things. I feel kind of antsy about it all too, because it normally takes me a lot longer to feel comfortable and lower my walls with guys. With him it's been a lot different. I feel very much at ease with him when I'm with him. I don't fear ever that he's gonna meet another girl, or find someone better. Which I've had huge insecurity issues in the past with. I want to make sure I go about this right.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Your optimism is inspiring, but don't take your wall down entirely.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 This is what I'm trying to look at it as. It's not really "me time" for him if he's busy. This is were I'm getting conflicted. I respect he needs his time, and that work as picked up for him a lot. I don't think you're understanding me. If I were in his shoes - crazy busy without any "me" time - and assuming I were really into my SO, I would still never said that "I want to slow things down" or "I need space." Period. I'd be saying, "Wow, what a week it's been! I don't know what your schedule is like, but I totally want to see you, I can't wait, I just need to XYZ/decompress first." See what I mean? Yes, your dude kinda said those words, but only after saying he needed to slow things down, needed space, whatever, and after you guilted him to retract it by putting him into a corner with the whole, "If you don't want to see me ever again..." passive-aggressive attack. I've done it before...and oh, how I wish I would have just said, "Okay!" with a shrug to that "need space" comment. If I were really into someone, I would never say that I wanted to slow down, wanted more space, etc., regardless of the circumstances. As a side note, my roommate has been in your shoes three times in the past year. It's been painful to watch. I experienced it with my ex starting in November/December. We've seen this scenario play out time and time again here on LS. All I'm saying is...be careful. While it's commendable for you to not assume the worst, I'd strongly advise you against willfully blinding yourself to this situation. Don't assume THE BEST. That said, he could very well still want to date you, but be incapable of being in a committed relationship given his other commitments. Whether you want to take a back seat in such a situation is up to you, but I think you want and deserve better... As you know, I'm always on your side.
Gawdess Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 If you are this confused and having to ask all these questions and deconstruct his behavior, he is just not that into you. A guy who is into you (crazy about you) doesn't leave you confused and going "huh?" You are having all these problems with his behavior and he is having you doubt yourself already about what you did wrong and it is only a couple weeks into being in a relationship with him? I would take this as a sign and move on, he's not the guy for you.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I know SG, and I know you're just looking out I didn't mean to stick him in a corner either, I just don't like being in limbo not knowing what's up. I just wanted a straight answer. I didn't want him to be sparing my feelings or just trying to ease the breaking up thing. It wasn't a guilt trip on purpose, if it came across that way. I should show you the conversation from this morning. Maybe it'd make more sense of what I'm trying to say, or maybe I'm just trying to be positive.. I dunno anymore. I'm so confused
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Healthy relationships take time, energy, emotion and effort. Someone who is so into their career and/or their own interests may still be a good person but not available for a healthy relationship. That's not a crime. It's simply a choice. Everyone has a choice. IMO, given the "I love you" stage has not been approached yet, I'd take a long hard look at reality. Pacing is very important in a relationship IME, and it's easy to get on the wrong page, which can sometimes doom its progress, which is what I think I'm seeing here. It takes maturity to work through such issues and, as I posted upthread, this man does not sound mature enough for a healthy LTR. He may someday
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I just find his over-reaction very odd. What's he concerned about? Space invasion? Is he possessive of his friends? I know how I would react. I would be happy that someone I wanted in my life, got along with my friends enough that they want to hang out together.
pandagirl Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I think this just has to play out. I don't think it's necessarily weird that he wanted to slow down. I think the salient issue is the way he handled the situation; it was an overreaction and an immature response to something that didn't warrant such a dramatic ending. Easier said than done, but I just wouldn't try to overanalyze everything. If you want to be with him, just be with him and take things as they come. Of course, this is very hypocritical advice from something who does the opposite! But, I've found this is the best approach to dealing with uncertainty.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I just find his over-reaction very odd. What's he concerned about? Space invasion? Is he possessive of his friends? I know how I would react. I would be happy that someone I wanted in my life, got along with my friends enough that they want to hang out together. It didn't end up being about that, as I mentioned earlier... it was about something else. So at least there are no issues with me hanging out with his friends, in fact he told me I should have gone he had no problem with that what so ever.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Healthy relationships take time, energy, emotion and effort. Someone who is so into their career and/or their own interests may still be a good person but not available for a healthy relationship. That's not a crime. It's simply a choice. Everyone has a choice. IMO, given the "I love you" stage has not been approached yet, I'd take a long hard look at reality. Pacing is very important in a relationship IME, and it's easy to get on the wrong page, which can sometimes doom its progress, which is what I think I'm seeing here. It takes maturity to work through such issues and, as I posted upthread, this man does not sound mature enough for a healthy LTR. He may someday Well we share a lot of the same interests, and not to just defend him, but with my work schedule and his, doing stuff right now during the week is just not likely. Sometimes he works on Saturdays. I can't expect him to bail on that for me. He's made time for me when I wanted it, I do feel I need to respect that and give him some time when he needs it. There has to be a mutual compromise. I agree the message I got was immature, but how many people on here have done stupid things that they regret? Does that automatically make them too immature for a healthy relationship, not always. The fact that he apologized and told me I did not deserve that what so ever shows that he is mature enough to own to to his mistake.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It didn't end up being about that, as I mentioned earlier... it was about something else. So at least there are no issues with me hanging out with his friends, in fact he told me I should have gone he had no problem with that what so ever. I'm trying to understand this so clarify it for me, will you? He over-reacts in a very odd manner, then apologizes but doesn't clearly explain what his trust issues are about, in that it reminds him of a past girlfriend. This seems vague and doesn't explain his over-reaction. Did he provide examples of same, with this past g/f?
Gawdess Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Honestly, I don't think it's really about trust issues at all, I just think he's just not that into you. You are on here making all these excuses when he is showing the signs of him not being into you. OK is he wanting to see you this weekend or is he keeping you at arm's length yet again? This guy does not strike me as a guy who is in the butterfly stage of being crazy about this wonderful new woman he has started seeing, he is more lukewarm about you and blowing smoke and telling you what you want to hear when he's talking to you on the phone (apologizing, etc.) I mean is he backing up his words and trying to make time to see you? Doesn't sound like it. Seriously don't contact him and see how long it takes to contact you. It sounds like the kind of guy who will just fade away. Personal question: Have you slept with him yet? Could be he got what he wanted sexually and now is moving on and bored. (Sorry but I'm just being honest here.)
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I'm trying to understand this so clarify it for me, will you? He over-reacts in a very odd manner, then apologizes but doesn't clearly explain what his trust issues are about, in that it reminds him of a past girlfriend. This seems vague and doesn't explain his over-reaction. Did he provide examples of same, with this past g/f? Check out post 20 and 23 .. sorry if I'm not clarifying things well enough. It had nothing to do with the friend thing, he didn't even know about that till I talked to him this morning. It had been about something that happened earlier this week prior to the conversation about "slowing down". He told me that he felt I didn't trust him.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Check out post 20 and 23 .. sorry if I'm not clarifying things well enough. It had nothing to do with the friend thing, he didn't even know about that till I talked to him this morning. It had been about something that happened earlier this week prior to the conversation about "slowing down". He told me that he felt I didn't trust him. I just reread those posts. He doesn't like feeling like someone doesn't trust him and thought you were checking up on him. Is this right?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I just reread those posts. He doesn't like feeling like someone doesn't trust him and thought you were checking up on him. Is this right? Yes - he told me last night he started thinking about it, and thought I was going behind his back and checking up on him, it just so happened that he left that comment after the idea of me going to hang out with his friend.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Yes - he told me last night he started thinking about it, and thought I was going behind his back and checking up on him, it just so happened that he left that comment after the idea of me going to hang out with his friend. The best defence is offense. If there are trust issues, it's not you.
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 The best defence is offense. Obviously not. That "offense" caused a problem.
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