dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 So I've been dating this really great guy. We click so well, I'm so comfortable with him, we always have a great time. I have yet to find any faults in him, or anything I don't like about him. We decided to be exclusive. I've met a lot of his friends, which all I feel like I get along great with, and he said they all like me. I could go on and on about this guy and how great of a person he is. He had been really busy with work this week. We only talked once (which is fine, it doesn't bug me at all), and he had said that he didn't want anything to change, but wanted to slow down. Which confused the hell out of me. We were able to talk about it, and he said he was worried he couldn't give me what I wanted because he had been so busy. I told him the time we spend together is fine, and he's not doing anything wrong. He said he wanted to make sure he got his "me time". Which I told him was fine. We had talked things out and all and hung up on a positive note with him saying he wants to keep seeing me and wants me as his gf. This was Thursday. Last night a (chick) friend of his asked what I was up to, and if I wanted to come out. I wanted to go, I thought it would be fun, so I started to make arrangements. I called him to make sure he had no problem with this (I didn't want him to think I was invading on his space or friends, and he said he'd be busy with work), but he didn't call back or answer. It didn't end up working out. I would have needed a place to crash. She asked if I could just crash at his place, but I didn't want to invade on his "me time". So I mentioned I had called him but couldn't get a hold of him. I ended up staying in, no big deal. So thismorning I wake up to off line messages on my instant messenger from him: Im done you kept saying all the things i needed to hear last night. Now after i have had sleep I see your talking to ****. Now i wanted you 2 to be friends. but I didnt think you would go behind my back, Im done i love you but im not in to games and im pissed your the first girl in a long time i trusted. see what that got me. May I add we've never said "I love you" before. I sincerely was not trying to do anything behind his back. I had moved last winter, and am away from a lot of my friends. I thought it was awesome that I was becoming friends with some new people. If I knew he would have had a problem with me hanging out with his friends, I never would have even tried to make plans to go. Oh and no, there's nothing going on between him and his chick friend. Any thoughts?????
Walk Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 His reaction doesn't make sense to me either. Sounds more like he'd been thinking of ending the relationship prior to this, but needed a reason he could blame it on.
Lishy Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 It sounds to me like he was having second thoughts and the deal with this friend of his was an excuse for him to pull the shutters down. The fact that he told you that you and he needed to slow down was infact a huge red flag and the fact that you did not mind shows what a well adjusted girl you are! Anyone insecure would have freaked at that. I say that he was cooling down with you for reasons I do not know as I do not know him or his past and this just gave him a reason to call it a day. My advice (which would be very hard to do) would be to not call or contact him in any way and let him miss you Keep us informed Ps ... I am really upset about this for you!
DunnoWhat Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I think the problem is you might be putting him off by being too nice to him!! Seems you agree with everything he asks and you were trying too hard not to upset him. I know if a man was like this to a woman she'd dump him straight away and it would be a bit off putting even for a man.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I told him straight out if "slow down" meant he didn't want to see me any longer to just tell me. He said that wasn't the case at all. We've had great communication so far. I took the slow down thing as a flag too, but when we ended the conversation he said he wanted to keep me as his gf, and he loved spending time with me ect ect. He hasn't had a gf for over a year, and he did tell me he's not used to being in a relationship, so I wonder if it's an adjustment for him. I know many people think myspace is silly, but after all this had happened he changed his status to "life f*cking sucks, and trust sucks". Part of me also thinks he was thinking of ending it, but part of me thinks he's got some major trust issues. Oh and I know I should put of any more contact but I did respond to his message with this: What games??? She asked me what I was up to, if I wanted to come out, which I did, I had called you to find out if you had a problem with that, but you didn't answer or call back. I had found a ride, but there would be no place for me to crash and I didn't want to invade on your you time. I didn't end up going any where. I wasn't do anything behind your back.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Have you responded to him yet hon? I did on instant messenger with this: What games??? She asked me what I was up to, if I wanted to come out, which I did, I had called you to find out if you had a problem with that, but you didn't answer or call back. I had found a ride, but there would be no place for me to crash and I didn't want to invade on your you time. I didn't end up going any where. I wasn't do anything behind your back.
Lishy Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I would leave it at that babe and please do not contact him, he is in the wrong here and if you come across as whiney and needy right now it will ruin any chance of a reunion. He is probably getting scared as you are so nice babe - Let him miss you,he will realise I am sure but you have to play this right!
DunnoWhat Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 He sounds like a little girl to be honest! Do you want a real man or a little girly man who gets upset easily?
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I would leave it at that babe and please do not contact him, he is in the wrong here and if you come across as whiney and needy right now it will ruin any chance of a reunion. He is probably getting scared as you are so nice babe - Let him miss you,he will realise I am sure but you have to play this right! I agree. I just didn't want him to think I was actually doing something behind his back. I wanted the record straight on my end. It just sucks, I've been struggling to find a guy that doesn't treat me like crap but isn't a "walk over" type. I've been trying to find that happy medium. He's showed all the traits I've been looking for. He's affectionate, sweet, thoughtful, and caring. Does it bother guys when their new gf hangs out with their friends??
MichelleS1983 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 You folks must be young..he sounds about 19 years old. It's utterly ridiculous to resort to sending offline IMs like some teenager. I honestly think you should date an adult, and not this guy. He needs to grow up and start acting like a man, not a boy.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 You folks must be young..he sounds about 19 years old. It's utterly ridiculous to resort to sending offline IMs like some teenager. I honestly think you should date an adult, and not this guy. He needs to grow up and start acting like a man, not a boy. He's 27, I'm 26. I'll admit it's easier for me to talk via IM's sometimes. It's just how I am. But yeah, I'd rather him have called and talked to me about this.
Lishy Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Don't call him though - You were right to explain it as it was but now you have it is down to him to contact you and tell you what a doozie he is! This must be horrible for you and I feel for you x
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Don't call him though - You were right to explain it as it was but now you have it is down to him to contact you and tell you what a doozie he is! This must be horrible for you and I feel for you x Thanks Lishy - it's driving me nuts. I know I gotta let him do the contacting though. Part of me what's to call the friend and ask what happened, cuz while I wasn't trying to hide it, I'm not sure how he got wind of it unless she mentioned something to him. When I called him I didn't leave a voice message cuz he normally just calls right back. I didn't hear from him, and so I just didn't end up going at all.
sid3 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I think your being accussed of something you clearly didn't do. He may have had an issue if the friend had been a guy. But an invite from one of his chick friends should not be an issue. It appears like the other posters have said, he used this as an excuse to bail. I'm not so sure he has trust issues, how did you act untrustworthy, you didn't. He may infact be a drama king, and he likes the control. JMHO
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 I think your being accussed of something you clearly didn't do. He may have had an issue if the friend had been a guy. But an invite from one of his chick friends should not be an issue. It appears like the other posters have said, he used this as an excuse to bail. I'm not so sure he has trust issues, how did you act untrustworthy, you didn't. He may infact be a drama king, and he likes the control. JMHO I thought it may have been a trust/jealousy issue because one of his chick friends (who usually hangs out with the one who invited me out) is always dating several guys, switching it up just so she has a guy around. The one who invited me out is single. I thought maybe he was worried that I'd follow the "single" lead of them.
sid3 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 That may be true, and if there is such a trust/jealousy issue, wouldn't that mean he's really insecure. Nobody likes the thought of their g/f being out with guys hitting on them. Surely he realizes that can happen anywhere at anytime. I don't know, sounds like he chose not to trust you even though you didn't give him a reason not to. Bad! I think he will be contacting you soon, he owes you an apology.
Jilly Bean Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 DG -you did nothing. He clearly wanted to break up with you, you weren't taking the hint, so he trumped up some mini-drama to give himself the ammo to get out of it. Time to eat the pint of Ben and Jerry's, and move on...
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I have yet to find any faults in him, or anything I don't like about himThis was my big red flag. Everyone is flawed, even in the fog of infatuation. He wasn't being himself. The rest is no surprise. Hope you didn't invest too much time in him. Since you hadn't gotten to the "I love you" stage, I'm guessing you didn't. I remember such immaturity (in myself) at his age. Seems like a lifetime ago. He'll learn but not on your watch. You can do better
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Well he got in contact with me. No, he was not trying to dump me. It wasn't even about last night. We had a miscommunication earlier this week, he had thought something. We talked about it, and he apologized and said he was wrong. So no, he was not trying to find a way to dump me for those of you who thought that. And I now have found the flaw about him that's going to be hard to deal with. Well not really hard, but something I don't like. I can deal with it though. With a miscommunication we had this week, he said it was a flash back of another girl he had been with that he got hurt pretty bad. I told him I'm not anyone else, I'm me. He said "you're right, your not at all like her".
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 Also to add to that, he told me he would have had no problem with me going to hang out with his friends, and I could have stayed at his house if I wanted to go out there.
SpikeyChick Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I told him straight out if "slow down" meant he didn't want to see me any longer to just tell me. He said that wasn't the case at all. We've had great communication so far. I took the slow down thing as a flag too, but when we ended the conversation he said he wanted to keep me as his gf, and he loved spending time with me ect ect. . For pete's sake, some of the projected and displaced rage and bitterness from some of you towards men is breathtaking. Half of the replies have resorted to your old favorite insults, " immature, insecure , does not deserve you .....blah blah.." How about sharpening some new arrows ladies. There is NO evidence that he wanted to break up with Dreamy . There is ample evidence that he was HAPPY with her and their relationship - her original post paints just such a picture. There is SOME confusion about what he was suggesting, and why, when he suggested that they "slow down", but unfortunately, they had a meltdown before that was discussed. She is in distress right now and is looking for insight and some clarity - instead she gets anti-male spite, name calling and mudslinging and unfounded speculation about what HE is/was thinking.. There is NO way of knowing what is on that man's mind. Only he knows - the rest of you are just stabbing wildly in the dark. Clearly he has misread the intent of her actions. His reaction is extreme, but agree or not, it is HIS reaction to what he perceived to be some kind of sneaky behavior on Dreamy's part. All we know at this point is that he is UPSET and we do NOT know why and neither does Dreamy.. I have read her reply to him and it is clear and to the point. It is his postion now to respond to her and attempt to mend the fence. Dreamy, leave it alone for a few days until the fire in both of you has died down. There is a HUGE misunderstanding here on his part. HE needs to allow himself to become aware of that and follow it up with an approach to her. Lets NOT get so freakin' HISSY about this ladies- most of YOU are overreacting by screaming "apology", "dump him" ,and so on. The Dreamy One needs some friends.
Author dreamergrl Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 To clarify the misunderstanding... Earlier this week I had called to thank him for a great weekend and chit chat a bit (we do talk through out the week, at a healthy level). He didn't call back which he does almost immediately. After a few days I started getting worried. He had been on antibiotics and they had made him sick to his stomach part of the weekend and weren't agreeing with him on Sunday. So I wasn't sure if it got worse. I asked a friend of his if she had heard from him. No one had.. Well he thought I had been "checking up on him" like I didn't trust him, and didn't understand what was going on. He didn't even know that I was thinking about going out with his friend last night. When we talked about it more, he didn't know I had called at all this week, as he isn't getting incoming phone calls. He had been working A LOT and just figured it the phone was dead. All a misunderstanding. :) Thanks to those who gave me some supported sound advice
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 What odd behaviour from this guy. It's like he's over-reacting from guilt of some kind.
DunnoWhat Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I'll repeat what I said earlier. He sounds like a little girl to be honest! Do you want a real man or a little girly man who gets upset easily?
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