bethcrete Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I need some advice as I am really confused. I have been with my partner for over two years. we are both 28 and the relationship has always been a loving one. We have never really been highly sexed, once or twice a week was enough for us. Recently he stopped communicating with me, so I decided to ask him three questions. "do you still love me" .....Yes. "Do you still want to be with me?" .....Yes. "Do you still fancy me?".......Not really. As you can guess I was devastated. I told him i would move out because I couldnt be in a relationship with someone who didnt find me attractive. I felt like I had been pushing him into having sex with me all this time. I felt so ugly and depressed. He begged me not to leave as he couldnt live without me. He said he would work on his problem. I was under the impression that you cant make yourself fancy someone but I love him so I stayed. This was all a month ago and he has tried to make me feel beautiful again but it is very hard...I just feel terrible about myself. Last night we had sex for the first time in over a month (I hadnt instigated anything in that time because who would? in my situation!) So he started it last night. He made me feel fantastic really loved and attractive. I smiled for the first time in ages. After I said (kind of in jest) "I bet that was really hard seeings as though you dont fancy me." I thought he might say something to quash my fears. he said nothing. So I said "do you ever think you will fancy me again?" He said "Yes........in time" Those words completely shattered me. I thought he wanted to sleep with me because he found me attractive again. Now I feel worse than I did before. Please what do I do?
loomis Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Im not trying to be the bear of bad news but You need to walk away. I was in your same situation. My ex didn't find me attractive anymore. It hurt so bad, its actually one of the reasons she broke up with me. (cold hearted bitch) but seriously its not worth it, whether it be that you gained a few pounds, you don't always get ready. I mean why should you? your with someone who you think loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. It turns to conditional love once they say stupid things like they aren't attracted to you. Im not saying to not look good, but when your in a serious relationship, things get comfortable and you just sort of know that the person loves you. My ex dumped me cause of my weight, well I've lost 30 pounds since the break up and I feel great, look great, have a crap load of more confidence and she's on the outside looking in. Maybe you need to make him want you. leave him.
Myst Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 I need some advice as I am really confused. I have been with my partner for over two years. we are both 28 and the relationship has always been a loving one. We have never really been highly sexed, once or twice a week was enough for us. Recently he stopped communicating with me, so I decided to ask him three questions. "do you still love me" .....Yes. "Do you still want to be with me?" .....Yes. "Do you still fancy me?".......Not really. As you can guess I was devastated. I told him i would move out because I couldnt be in a relationship with someone who didnt find me attractive. I felt like I had been pushing him into having sex with me all this time. I felt so ugly and depressed. He begged me not to leave as he couldnt live without me. He said he would work on his problem. I was under the impression that you cant make yourself fancy someone but I love him so I stayed. This was all a month ago and he has tried to make me feel beautiful again but it is very hard...I just feel terrible about myself. Last night we had sex for the first time in over a month (I hadnt instigated anything in that time because who would? in my situation!) So he started it last night. He made me feel fantastic really loved and attractive. I smiled for the first time in ages. After I said (kind of in jest) "I bet that was really hard seeings as though you dont fancy me." I thought he might say something to quash my fears. he said nothing. So I said "do you ever think you will fancy me again?" He said "Yes........in time" Those words completely shattered me. I thought he wanted to sleep with me because he found me attractive again. Now I feel worse than I did before. Please what do I do? I know this is gonna be said a thousand times, but you deserve so much better than him! I know its hard to just pick up yourself and leave him after your long relationship, but why do you want to stay with someone who doesnt fancy you and makes you feel bad about yourself? There are better guys out there. Don't waste your time with this jerk, because you are better than that! Dont let him dump you first, dump him now and leave with your dignity in tact, no looking back. You'll thank yourself for it. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but there are actual guys who will like you for you. The sooner you dump this jerk, the sooner you'll find them. Take it easy ok, feel better soon bethcrete *hugs*.
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 OP, the crux of the matter is in the rest of your R. The sex and the way he "fancies you" are just a barometer, IMO. Try asking him open-ended (not "yes" or "no") questions. Actually one would do..."Why do you love me?" (since he said he did). If he can't talk about how he feels in a meaningful way, then I'd let him go. BTW, assuming that's you in your avatar, um, I don't think you have anything to worry about in the "fancy me" department. I know from personal experience that often the person inside doesn't match or feel comfortable with the outside appearance, so I can only offer my male opinion that I would wish for your inner beauty to match what you apparently present to the world. Really, it's the inner beauty which keeps a man coming back for more in a LTR. Physical appearance can be a factor for some, but a guy who's really in love with his woman sees her in a completely different way than a guy looking at her appearance on the street. Anyway, you can't control his attraction to you. I'd suggest taking some time for yourself and letting him ponder his opinion without your presence in his daily life. Honesty usually flows from such actions, sometimes painfully. Regardless, it will give you clarity. Sorry for the ramble. Welcome and {{{bethcrete}}} (those are LS "hugs")
Lizzie60 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Humm... from your avatar, you are really pretty and quite sexy. It's hard to say why he feels like that.. it is kinda strange. Like the previous poster said, you should ask the right questions so that he opens up... It's up to you to either live with it and stop talking about it.. OR leave him if you can't live like that.
Lishy Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 For a man being so honest about the fact that he does not fancy you I am surprised that he has not told you that he is not in love with you anymore. I can see by your avi (assuming it is you) that you are a very attractive woman so the fancy does not come from the exterior. My friend who is beautful (and I mean beautiful) had the same prob with her hubby. He never wanted sex unless drunk and he would not admit he did not find her attractive, that hurt more! You need to walk away with your head held high. The longer you stay the worse you will feel about yourself! Fancying someone is not just to do with looks. I have fancied quite ugly men and been replused by some good looking men. I think he may have fallen out of love with you and all this will do is ruin your self esteem!
GPFan Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 You may want to put plans in place to divest yourself of this relationship ASAP. Let him work on his problems by himself whilst you go on with your life. I doubt you will have any difficulty finding another wonderful partner once you have healed from this relationship.
Miranda Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 His not finding you attractive anymore may not be a problem with you, it may be a problem with him. Men having sexual dysfunction at times tend to put the blame on the woman, because it saves face, and no guy wants to admit that they are experiencing sexual dysfunction, it must be the woman's fault for not being attractive. Barring anything happening that would drastically change a person's level of attraction toward you (from weight gain, to a scarring accident, to relationship problems that make a person start to see you as less attractive inside), it's quite possible that he has insecurities/sexual problems/emotional problems/stuff going on within himself, and the problem his him and not you. Don't be so quick to beat yourself up over it...if level of attraction abruptly changes for no discernable reason, odds are DAMNED good that the problem is not you, the fault does not lie with you.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 His not finding you attractive anymore may not be a problem with you, it may be a problem with him. Men having sexual dysfunction at times tend to put the blame on the woman, because it saves face, Agreed.Women put alot of presure on themselves that if their man isn't honry or worked up over them, we naturally assume it's are fault. After all, we are presented with the idea that part of our purpose as women, is to be a sexual object to turn men on. And while women are beautiful and do turn men on, it isn't our fault if men have sexual dysfunction. I infact think more men have this problem then care to admit to. You are really beautiful if that is you in your avatar. I can understand how hurt you would be. You deserve better. All women want to feel beautiful and loved by our man. Find out why he no longer "fancys" you first though. Find out if these are things you can work on as a couple. And if it can't be fixed, please find a man that will treat you like you deserve.
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Humm... from your avatar, you are really pretty and quite sexy. It's hard to say why he feels like that.. it is kinda strange. Like the previous poster said, you should ask the right questions so that he opens up... It's up to you to either live with it and stop talking about it.. OR leave him if you can't live like that. Beauty and sexual attraction are pretty much independent - you can have one but not the other, it all depends on who you are with. There are women I would rate 10/10 for looks, but don't fancy at all in a sexual way; and women who might only be 4/10 in prettiness but just have that sexy vibe to them. To the original poster, I would say that your relationship with this guy is basically doomed. You cannot manufacture sexual attraction, it is either there or it isn't. If it isn't, then eventually your sex life will dwindle to nothing, and one or both of you is going to meet someone who *does* have a strong sexual appeal. If you bf meets someone in future who he does really fancy, then he is very likely to cheat with her. IMO the best thing is to just admit you are great friends & companions, but not lovers, and so it's not meant to be. Staying together will just lead to heartache later on. I say this as someone who was the guy in a similar kind of relationship - she was very attractive but I just didn't feel the full animal instinct kinda thing. Eventually I left - your guy will either do that, or cheat, neither of which makes it worth sticking around.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 There are women I would rate 10/10 for looks, but don't fancy at all in a sexual way; and women who might only be 4/10 in prettiness but just have that sexy vibe to them. This is how it works with me for guys. I am not always attracted to the stereotypical hot guy. I am sometimes really attracted to quite the average joe because of a sexual vibe. I just didn't realize this could be true for guys as well. I wonder how many other guys are like that.
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