Give up on her and ask her to move out or let her stay and try and work things out?

[whattodo88]

My girlfriend of the past 8 months recently broke up with me because she "doesn't want her decisions to impact anyone but herself." While this is the reason she offered me as to why she no longer wants to be in a relationship the truth of matter is (which she has admitted to me) that she feels torn between me and her best friend from high school. She claims she no longer wants to be in a relationship with anyone because she is confused and needs to figure things out but I feel like she really just wants to be single so she doesn't feel guilty about being with anyone else. She was never in a committed relationship with her friend from high school but at some point they were more than friends and were sexually intimate. From the very beginning I've been very uncomfortable of her relationship with this guy because I've always felt it is inappropriate and disrespectful to maintain a relationship with someone who has romantic interests in you while you are in a committed relationship with someone else. Her response has always been that even though he has feelings for her she views the relationship as strictly platonic. However it's obvious that my girlfriend has been in a emotional affair for quite sometime and has just been in denial of that. Two days after she broke up with me I happened to stumble upon an AIM conversation she had with her friend from high school in which she tells him how much she misses him, how much she can't wait to see him in a few weeks and have sex with him, and she even tells him that she loves him. I've never felt as horrible and as crushed as I was when I was reading their conversation in my life, I felt completely robbed and empty of any emotion whatsoever, in no uncertain terms I just wanted to die right there and then, I've been at some pretty low points in my life but I've never felt that low. I've done nothing but love and support my girlfriend these past few months, ANYTIME she's ever needed me financially, emotionally, or physically I've been there for her ... I've never turned my back on her, I've always been completely open with her, and given her anything and everything I could give her. I feel like if she truly appreciated me, everything I've done for her, and everything we've shared together she would not have said the things she said to him in that conversation. I know I'm in love with her or else I would have completely cut her out of my life after reading that conversation, but I feel like she's made a mistake and its something I'm willing to put behind us if she realizes where she's gone wrong and is willing to make a commitment to try and work things out between us instead of giving up entirely. What really complicates everything is the fact that we live together. I feel like that the only way she'll ever realize the role I play in her life and that she made a mistake by choosing to leave me is if we're completely apart and I'm no longer a part of her life which is why I've thought about asking her to move out but at the same time I feel like she would use the fact that I asked her to move out as a reason not to try and work things out with me in the long run. She has the tendency to give up or run away from her problems instead of really facing them head on and realizing that she's the only person who can make her life better or change herself. I really do love her and she means a lot to me but I really wonder if I mean as much to her as she does to me and if she really appreciates me and the bond we shared as a couple. Should I give up on her and ask her to move out or let her stay and try and work things out?

[kingoftheworld]

Bro, I'm in the same position as you are. It's really weird but I cant reply to this post because i have no advice, i'm looking for advice myself. I've tryed everything to get her back, she's basically abused the **** Out of me while i've tryed to get her back. It's just no use... but keep trying.

The girl sounds exactly like mine o.o.

[carhill]

Unless you own the property, just leave.

 

She has unresolved feelings with the other man, IMO. Sounds like she's young. If she finds that her interest was misplaced or she no longer wants to be alone, you can reconnect if you're still available and interested.

 

No contact will help you heal. You can't make her a healthy partner. She has to find her own way. I know, it sucks

[whattodo88]

Unless you own the property, just leave.

 

She has unresolved feelings with the other man, IMO. Sounds like she's young. If she finds that her interest was misplaced or she no longer wants to be alone, you can reconnect if you're still available and interested.

 

No contact will help you heal. You can't make her a healthy partner. She has to find her own way. I know, it sucks

 

I do not own the property, we both are sharing a room at a house. The only thing is I've always supported her, she has never paid her fair share of the rent and I just feel like I've reached the point where I don't want to feel used anymore; as much as I love her the only way she's going to be able to grow and become independent is if she figures out how to do things on her own ... her wellbeing can no longer be my #1 concern, I need my own space as well for the sake of my sanity!

 

You're right, we're both young: I'm 20 years old and will be a senior in college this fall, she is 19 years old and just completed her first year of college. I really appreciate your response because I couldn't have said it better myself ... as much as I wish I could ... and as much as I do try ... I can't make her a healthy partner. My love and attention to her can no longer be unconditional, if she loves me and values me as a part of her life she'll have to learn how to earn my adoration, my attention, and my love.

[carhill]

Very important lesson. Adult love relationships are conditional. You both have needs within the relationship which your partner is tasked to meet. Most do so with love.

 

An example of unconditional love would be what you feel for your child, no matter what their age (even when they are adults). It stays constant throughout their life.

 

She'll make it on her own. Girls always do. They're great networkers

[Krytie TV]

And lest we forget that if you want to maintain any respect or equity in this relationship, the only option is moving out. "Working things through" with her will only make things worse for you in the long run because she knows she can put you aside whenever she wants and you will wait for her with your tail wagging.

[norajane]

She broke up with you. And now she's looking forward to having sex with the other guy.

 

What exactly is there to work out? I didn't read anywhere in your post that she changed her mind about breaking up with you and that she wants to continue a romantic relationship with you.

 

This is what you need to keep in mind:

 

Two days after she broke up with me I happened to stumble upon an AIM conversation she had with her friend from high school in which she tells him how much she misses him, how much she can't wait to see him in a few weeks and have sex with him, and she even tells him that she loves him. I've never felt as horrible and as crushed as I was when I was reading their conversation in my life, I felt completely robbed and empty of any emotion whatsoever, in no uncertain terms I just wanted to die right there and then, I've been at some pretty low points in my life but I've never felt that low.

 

Trying to get her back will only lead to more low points like that one. Continuing to live with her will only lead to you watching her go out with this guy and maybe others.

[whattodo88]

And lest we forget that if you want to maintain any respect or equity in this relationship, the only option is moving out. "Working things through" with her will only make things worse for you in the long run because she knows she can put you aside whenever she wants and you will wait for her with your tail wagging.

 

Your right ... I think on an unconscious level she knows the type of hold that she has on me and she knows that I would bend over backwards to make sure she's OK, but I don't want to do that anymore. It takes two to tango and until she learns how to respect me and the boundaries of any relationship we may have in the future I can't keep things status quo ... people only change when they're not comfortable ... me asking her to move out and choosing not to stay in contact with her will be a wake up call for her. She chose to end our relationship and as a result she is going to have to deal with the consequences and the major one is me not always being there for her. She might not agree with my ultimate decision to ask her to move out but on some level she will understand it, above all she needs to learn that I'm someone to be respected and that I have boundaries.

[whattodo88]

She broke up with you. And now she's looking forward to having sex with the other guy.

 

What exactly is there to work out? I didn't read anywhere in your post that she changed her mind about breaking up with you and that she wants to continue a romantic relationship with you.

 

She hasn't changed her mind about breaking up with me, in fact she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be with anyone anytime soon ... but I just feel like she's choosing to be single so she doesn't feel guilty about rekindling whatever she may have with this other guy. The reason I've debated on whether on not I should ask her to move out is because I guess I have this false hope that maybe if she stays around I can somehow convince her that she's better off with me. Furthermore, knowing her and how her mind works I wouldn't put it past her for her to use the fact that I asked her to move out as reason to not try and work things out with me in the future. But after hearing your responses on here it's becoming more and more clear to me that I should just move on with my life and let her worry about trying to reconcile with me, because at the end of the day she's the one who broke my heart and completely debased the relationship that we shared.