TrustInYourself Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Lately, me and the wife have been talking and spending more and more time together. I think we are moving to a decision where one of us will move back in with the other. I have some concerns and questions for anyone who's been in this situation and if they have any input or feelings on the situation. She moved out about 2 months ago to "find out how she really feels about our marriage, herself". She's seen no one. She got a place and bought some things and tasted independence and really liked the way it felt. She moved directly out of her parent's house at 18 years old to live with me in my new place in another state (military). I've gotten a taste of independence as well. It was nice just doing what I wanted when I wanted. I've found that I can be strong and happy and fun to be around with out my wife. My question is this. We haven't moved back together yet. We're just building good, positive time between us at the moment. We still have our seperate places, she just decides to come over most nights and stay with me. Initially, what are your thoughts on this? I mean should I start talking to her about my concerns. Those are that she walked away from our marriage once, is this going to be a trend? She's expressed feelings that maybe there is someone else out there better for her, yet now she's considering moving back in with me. I know some of her decision is based on the fact that we share a daughter together and she wants to do the right thing for our family. Honestly, that's not enough for me. I want her to move back in for our family, but also because she loves me and is willing to work on our marriage and stay committed to our marriage. What are some steps I should take to address my concern without upsetting the reconciliation? When should I worry about bringing up these concerns. To be honest, I am happy with our current arrangement. I have time to myself and I still have my wife. I'm not sure how things will be when we get back together. I'm a bit scared of failure again. It was hard the first time, I'm worried it will be harder a 2nd time if she decides to give up again. What do you guys and gals think? Especially those gals that left a marriage and considered coming back. What's important to me is our marriage surviving and growing stronger from this experience. I'm just not sure how to go about that. Thanks!
LostHusband Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I think you should wait a little longer - 2 months apart seems rather short to already be making a big decision on moving back in together. Though maybe 2 months apart seems like an eternity? I'd try to go at least 6 months apart and see how you both feel. This will give you both time to know what you really want.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 She's still in her place. I'm not sure what's going on. I think we are just building right now. We haven't had any deep conversations on the past. We are just trying to enjoy each other's company. I'm concerned about my whole approach because so far I've just been working on myself not concerned about her mistakes that it's hard now for me to remember why we separated other than the fact that I was neglecting her. I think there are issues deeper than that though. I wouldn't have been playing games/ignoring her if it was just that. She's fairly introverted, non-confrontational, and she is not physically affectionate. This wasn't always how she was, but I think I played some role in the way she is now. How do I communicate my thoughts without sounding critical? It's fairly impossible I think. The last time I talked to her about it, it ended up as a slight argument.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 She's expressed feelings that maybe there is someone else out there better for her, yet now she's considering moving back in with me. This would bother me in a big, big way. Have you addressed this with her yet? How do I communicate my thoughts without sounding critical? It's fairly impossible I think. The last time I talked to her about it, it ended up as a slight argument. Take the self abasement approach. Start by admitting and talking about what's wrong with you first. Slowly and lightly lead into to the things about her that concern you.
guessjeans Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I can tell ya right now, 2 months changes nothing. 6 months changes nothing. It takes at least a min., of a year before the hurt and pain caused from each other to at least not be so raw and brought up the next time you have a disagreement. If you go back, it might be good for 2 or 3 months, but thats it. It took me at least 2 years to grown up, realize my mistakes, realize his mistakes, realize the relationships strengths and weaknesses. It took that long for the hurt to subside and the remembering the good moments to become clearer. I wouldnt recommend getting back together any time soon. You have come this far in your journey, give it more time to allow both of you to realize what each other want. If you decide that its each other, fine. But allow time for the two of you to miss each other, and I mean miss! You are hanging on to what could be, not what is. You need time to bury the what was, and want to rediscover each other, and that takes time, that takes a journey we must all go thru in order to come out the other end emotionally healthy and strong, and really know what we want. I wouldnt recommend moving back in for at least a year, anything sooner, will just land in disaster.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 We haven't made any decisions on moving back together. We haven't even spoken about it yet. Right now, it's this strange limbo where we don't live together, yet I feel married to her from an emotional standpoint. It's weird.
Shin0bi1 Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 We haven't made any decisions on moving back together. We haven't even spoken about it yet. Right now, it's this strange limbo where we don't live together, yet I feel married to her from an emotional standpoint. It's weird. Hey TIY, glad to hear you and your wife are amicable and can be around each other's presence with the hint of reconcile. I think you have to look at your relationship and its issues as a marathon (rather than a 50m sprint) where there is no first place prize. This means, take your time with her and if he means redating her like it was your first time going out with her so be it. You are looking for the gusto...a permament solution not some bandaid quick fix on your relationship. This might be your only chance to reconcile with her so don't hurry it. You guys have to rediscover yourselfs, heal, understand the hurt, and realize they both of you guys may have changed as people during the last 2 months. So obviously you have to carefully explore that as well. as long as your daughter is healthy and happy, waht is the rush? Take your time man... who knows.. you might actually not want her back. G/L in whatever you decide homey and a future happy's father to ya big daddy! :-) Peace, Shin0bi1
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Shin, Thanks for the reply! Yeah, it's rough. I'm in this haze, where I don't know what I really want anymore because this whole separation wears on you. You question yourself and you question what you really want. It's like I can see the problems and the issues, and now that she's willing to work on the issues, I'm angry I had to accept her walking out. I'm coming to conclusions that I should only be coming to if I wanted to end the relationship. I'm starting to wonder if she's really what I want and need. After forcing myself to move on for myself, I'm starting to question whether I want to be back with a woman who decided for the both of us to call it quits. It's hard and I'm doing my best to figure things out. I just don't want to burn any bridges right now, because I do have feelings for her. I'm just hurt about this whole situation. lol, thanks for the heads up on Father's day. Hope yours is cool as well.
ilmw Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Hi, Just read your thread. I have to agree with everyone who has posted... You have to take time.. Do not rush this... trust me on that. If you have read my post you will know I have a clue about this... I reconcillated with my stbxw.. moved back in... way to soon.. she had second thoughts.. and I ended getting screwed... my own fault.... but... hey it happens I feel if I had of waited a lot more time.. things could have been different....either it would have worked... or not... but I would not have had to scramble... and get my s*t together... again. It worked out well in the end... I am in a better place...now. In a nut shell... wait... get yourself sorted out... get some time in there... take it slow... and don't let anyone pressure you to do anything... because it does happen... from her.. and possible others... like family etc. Make sure it is the right thing... and you might be ok.. (because as I have learned... there are no sure things) Take care of you, ilmw
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 11, 2008 Author Posted June 11, 2008 Hi, Just read your thread. I have to agree with everyone who has posted... You have to take time.. Do not rush this... trust me on that. If you have read my post you will know I have a clue about this... I reconcillated with my stbxw.. moved back in... way to soon.. she had second thoughts.. and I ended getting screwed... my own fault.... but... hey it happens I feel if I had of waited a lot more time.. things could have been different....either it would have worked... or not... but I would not have had to scramble... and get my s*t together... again. It worked out well in the end... I am in a better place...now. In a nut shell... wait... get yourself sorted out... get some time in there... take it slow... and don't let anyone pressure you to do anything... because it does happen... from her.. and possible others... like family etc. Make sure it is the right thing... and you might be ok.. (because as I have learned... there are no sure things) Take care of you, ilmw I'm trying to be patient. I just have these thoughts at times. They occur when I spend a lot of time with the wife. I question why we are separated and spending all this time together. I question why she stays over at my place. I question why I agree to stay at her place. It's like we are dating in a way, but we're married. It bothers me that nothing is for sure. It's a gamble for her to get back with me. It's a gamble for me to get back with her. Come to think of it, marriage for everyone is a gamble. Why bother?
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 I'm scared of how quickly I changed my perspective. If my wife wanted a divorce today I would give it to her happily. I still want to work on my marriage, but it's hard to get past the negative emotions and thoughts. Especially when I'm thinking I don't need this marriage, I just want it. It makes me feel like it's expendable, like it's just a piece of paper. That sucks.
ilmw Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 I'm scared of how quickly I changed my perspective. If my wife wanted a divorce today I would give it to her happily. I still want to work on my marriage, but it's hard to get past the negative emotions and thoughts. Especially when I'm thinking I don't need this marriage, I just want it. It makes me feel like it's expendable, like it's just a piece of paper. That sucks. Hey, You should never "Need" a relationship.. or someone... you should "want them"... If you have committed to something.. a person... a relationship.. then it is worth working on... If it can be saved.... save it. If you don't want to... then don't. Your marriage is more than a piece of paper... when you still want to be married.... it has worth to you. Just my 2 cents ilmw
SingleDad Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 TrustInYourself - You have provided me with good insight. Reading your posting I do see that we are in similar situations, except that you are farther along in the process than I am. I wish I was in the situation where you are, spending time with your wife and staying with each other. My wife wants nothing to do with me - We signed the legal separation last night - she thinks that she is no longer my Wife, but a divorce cannot occur for at least another 12 months. Despite what everyone, I mean everyone, else says I am not willing to give up hope and faith that we can get back together. Love is a merely an emotion that you make or break inside your own will and it has several levels - most people focus on the initial infatuation expecting it to last forever - but that often lasts for only few months. There is also Eros love or the physical love, Philos (sp) or brotherly love - treat others as you would treat yourself, and the highest level Agape Love or spiritual love - Love has these stages - It's not just about butterflies - it is about committment and longing and hopes and dreams You try to make your relationship work or you can start all over again and again. But I believe this situation would just happen again... If you truly want to love her - you can make it happen - If you love her the wat she wants to be loved, she may find that she loves you back. In short - keep trying - its a long process - don't push - just be there for her and your kids - be the best person you can be - and put your heart into it - and it might just work out.
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Your right SD, it can happen. I know a couple that was divorced for 10 years that got re-married. And they hardly spoke to each other during that time. It happens all the time, and more often than you hear about. But all you can do for the time being is work on becoming the best, most positive, out-going person you can become. A lot of what happens, is that Life comes along, stress enters our lives, we lose focus of who and what we are, negative emotions set in. Depression, anxiety, worries about the boss, the job, the mortgage, the bills, the economy. Stress builds upon stress! We become lost in it. Life comes at you fast! One of my major goals in Life now ~ is to make and keep my Life as simple and stress free as possible. I'm through trying to climb up the food chain. All I want anymore is the simple basics. A roof over my head, food, etc. I don't buy cars I buy good reliable transportation. What matters is your personal relationships with close friends and family.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Love my wife, even though she claims that she doesn't love me and needs space, and spend all the time I can with her trying to help her through her feelings of confusion? Love my wife, detach and accept that things are not going to work out when my wife wants to be in a separate home? Cut her loose, date other women, file for divorce, forget her, there's other women? What's right?
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 We seemed like we were getting along really well. I pulled back though because I felt scared and hurt about us being separated while still seeing eachother. Should I worry about the situation? I see people who posted here, got back together too soon, and wished they spent more time apart. Why spend more time apart? She seems like she wants me around, I'm building positive time with her. Should I be concerned that I am rushing it? When I spend more time with her, we occasionally get physical. I'm confused. She's confused. No one has any idea what the hell is going on. The only thing I know is I love her. I feel good to be with her. I'm scared I'm ruining our future by living in the moment.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 We talked. She wants space. No more sexual encounters. She says she finds men attractive and is seriously wanting to date other men. I told her if she wants that we are through. I'm coming home from my business trip on Monday next week to file for a divorce. I'm done trying to hold together a marriage that my wife doesn't even want to work on or respect. What makes this hurt the most? The fact that she says she loves me and will always love me. The fact that she enjoyed the last two weeks we started spending together again. **** marriage.
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 TrustInYourself - I don't understand your thought process - You love your Wife deeply but plan to file for a divorce because she is wavering. Stop that !!!! Focus on your child - Be the best you can for her... why do children always seem to come last ??? If you are the best loving Father you can be, that's all that you can control. You cannot control your Wife - You also do not want your child knowing that you were the one filing for a divorce which will drastically change the child's life. Give your wife the space she needs - let her she how good of a father you are and that you would like to be a family together. If your wife responds to affection toward her then keep doing it (but try to protect your heart at the same time). She'll either stay or Go - but that is her choice. Your child does not have a choice.
ilmw Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 TrustInYourself - I don't understand your thought process - You love your Wife deeply but plan to file for a divorce because she is wavering. Stop that !!!! Focus on your child - Be the best you can for her... why do children always seem to come last ??? If you are the best loving Father you can be, that's all that you can control. You cannot control your Wife - You also do not want your child knowing that you were the one filing for a divorce which will drastically change the child's life. Give your wife the space she needs - let her she how good of a father you are and that you would like to be a family together. If your wife responds to affection toward her then keep doing it (but try to protect your heart at the same time). She'll either stay or Go - but that is her choice. Your child does not have a choice. I could not agree more! Your child did not ask for any of this... When parents separate/divorce.. children become very confused. They can blame themselves for it happening.... mine did. I had... and my stbxw.... each sat him down... and told him... it was not. I try to be the best dad I can be.. When I have him... I play with him... try and teach him things... The model dad... with out spoiling him. He knows who his father is.. he knows he is loved.. by me... and by his mom. In saying that.... the expected anger break outs... occur.. I expected them.. they happened last time we separated.. so I was ready for them. The well being of your child should come first... what ever happens between you and your wife... make sure your child is considered. ilmw
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 So don't push for resolution? I'm hurting. I'm lonely. We were on the fast track to getting back together and I took a step back and looked at the situation. We were acting like we were in love, spending so much time together, but she still wanted to be apart in her own place. I'm sick of the mixed signals. I'm tired of being an emotional yo-yo. I pulled back because I wanted to give her space to miss me.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 I do love my wife. She has no clue what she wants out of this separation. How do you deal with that cluelessness??? What is the right thing to do when you love someone and they are making the choice not to love. She told me yesterday she loved me and cried for 2 minutes in my arms. I'm like wtf? CONFUSION! ANGER! I'm in love with this woman who's willing to throw away our marriage and she doesn't even know if that's what she really wants. PS- She called me an ******* today because I wanted a resolution to this mess. I have spent 2 months trying to be understanding and patient and loving. How am I an *******?!!
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Correct - do not push for resolution.... I would be in the same mindset if I were you, but you have to resist. Just appreciate every moment your Ex gives you. You cannot change her mind. If she is going to change her mind, she will do it on her own. Push and she'll push back. The last thing she wants to to feel she is being controlled by you. It will take time. Show your Ex your love and appreciation and your understanding only - If you want to have a chance. Focus on loving your daughter. Savor those moments. That I all you can do.
SingleDad Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Her Confusion is a good sign - better than biterness and hatred. You might even have a chance She doesn't know what she wants - let her figure it out for herself. Just be there for her... but most importantly be there for your daughter. You will be put through a rollercoaster of emotions - hold on - Be solid in your love for her. If you question the marriage, it gives her more rope. Take things one day at a time.
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 I want to be strong, patient, loving. I am tired of crying over her every night. For what? So she can do w/e she wants?
Author TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2008 Author Posted June 16, 2008 I read posts here every day that say once she is gone I should give up and be angry. I'm worn out. I want to agree with the angry posts. I want to take the easy way out!! Help.
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