non4321 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 My boyfriend is a very nice person. Is nice to everyone, even people who have done him wrong. This is something I love about him. However, sometimes I get jealous when girls come around that he knows, and he does things that I feel he can restrain himself from. Example: Last night, we were out, and he saw a girl that he used to know, but that had moved out of town, and was briefly back. In the first minute of her coming over to say hello, he rubbed his hand down her hair, asking if she had changed her hair, and they both rubbed eachother's knees, saying how it's nice to see eachother, been so long, blahblah. As soon as I saw him touching her like that, I got pissed. I wouldn't touch a guy like that in front of him, nor if he wasn't there. I just think it's inappropriate. After she went back to her table, he said I was mean to her. I told him I wasn't mean, I just didn't talk much because they were talking about a subject that I am not involved in, and felt like if I starting saying things about it, I'd look like an idiot talking about something I knew nothing about. When she left, I said it was nice meeting her, smiled, whatever. Did not think I was mean. I told him how I didn't appreciate him stroking her hair and putting his hand on her knee. His response? "I did not do that!" Anyway, a few minutes later, I explained that I'm not used to having a BF that is so flirty in nature, and sometimes it's hard when he touches girls beyond a friendly hug or whatever, because I'd never do those things to a guy. I feel it's disrespectful. But I apologized, saying it's just something I'm still not quite used to. So, am I completely overreacting in these situations, or should I demand more respect, and leave if he's not willing to give it or what? Would this bother any other girls, or am I just being crazy? Sidenote: I might've been a little more weird with this girl because she used to go out with my BF's nephew. Well, my boyfriend kind of started to get involved with another ex of his nephew last year. And after talking to him about the girl from last night, he said he had, in the past, asked her if she'd go out with an older man. So he was interested in her before. But I didn't know that until after she left.
brightskies Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 How long have you been going out? I'm asking because I wonder how well you know him. It sounds like a fairly new relationship. He is being disrespectful. Don't apologize. HE should apologize, because he IS behaving inappropriately. Let him know that you won't put up with this, or he'll just keep being an ass. Put your foot down on this because it could escalate --- and it'll be much harder to deal with down the road when you're more emotionally invested. His behavior with that girl: being touchy and flirty, and the way she was flirting back ---- that is not kosher. They were both being really rude to you. You are not being crazy and you are not over-reacting. Being nice and friendly is not the same as being flirtatious, and you instinctively know this. When in an exclusive relationship, there are certain boundaries that should be observed. If he insists on continuing this way, don't waste your time. Calmly tell him off and ditch him.
Author non4321 Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 We've been seeing eachother for about 9 months.
icess64 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Wow, no you aren't overreacting, I'd be ticked too. Even if it's something he's always done, he should be respectful enough of your feelings to stop. Or at least be more aware that he's doing it and tone it down. Maybe other girls he's dated didn't mind, but I find that hard to believe, which means it's a subject he may have encountered in the past. My boyfriend was like that when we first started dating, and I called him on it. I told him that maybe I was being over-sensitive because I've been cheated on in the past, but that those were my feelings, rational or not. I said I was uncomfortable with his friendliness towards his female friends. He was irritated at first, but when I presented it as an issue that I had because of my past, he was very receptive and apologetic. If that doesn't work, you can take the low route and give him a taste of his own medicine. If he says something about it at that point, tell him that it's exactly how you feel when he does it to you. Maybe he just doesn't realize how crappy it makes you feel.
carhill Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Sounds like he's soon to be single, or should be. Then he can be friendly on his own time
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 In the first minute of her coming over to say hello, he rubbed his hand down her hair, asking if she had changed her hair, and they both rubbed eachother's knees, saying how it's nice to see eachother, been so long, blahblah. Does this scene seem a little gay to anyone else? It just really sounds to me a gay guy interacting with a female friend to me. Wierd.
carhill Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Nuh uh.... I'm not gay and that's not an unlikely behavior for me. You should see me interact with my wife's hair clients A man's behaviors can run the gamut. It's his intentions which are important. In the above instance, I offer male input and make them feel good about themselves (their appearance) and the work my wife has performed. It's sincere action without any sexual overtones. That's the distinction. That said, I see gay stylists behaving in similar fashion. Should I be worried
twice_shy Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 My boyfriend is a very nice person. Is nice to everyone, even people who have done him wrong. This is something I love about him. However, sometimes I get jealous when girls come around that he knows, and he does things that I feel he can restrain himself from. Example: Last night, we were out, and he saw a girl that he used to know, but that had moved out of town, and was briefly back. In the first minute of her coming over to say hello, he rubbed his hand down her hair, asking if she had changed her hair, and they both rubbed eachother's knees, saying how it's nice to see eachother, been so long, blahblah. sorry, that is unacceptable. There is no reason they need to touch each other like that. As soon as I saw him touching her like that, I got pissed. Of course you did, and rightfully so. I wouldn't touch a guy like that in front of him, nor if he wasn't there. I just think it's inappropriate. Oh, and if you touched another guy like that, you better believe he'd be highly pissed. After she went back to her table, he said I was mean to her. I told him I wasn't mean, I just didn't talk much because they were talking about a subject that I am not involved in, and felt like if I starting saying things about it, I'd look like an idiot talking about something I knew nothing about. When she left, I said it was nice meeting her, smiled, whatever. Did not think I was mean. I told him how I didn't appreciate him stroking her hair and putting his hand on her knee. His response? "I did not do that!" Maybe you should find yourself a better boyfriend. this one sounds like a real jackass. Anyway, a few minutes later, I explained that I'm not used to having a BF that is so flirty in nature, and sometimes it's hard when he touches girls beyond a friendly hug or whatever, because I'd never do those things to a guy. I feel it's disrespectful. But I apologized, saying it's just something I'm still not quite used to. You shouldn't be the one apologizing. He should for making you feel like crap. I just dumped someone I was seeing because she is too handsy with other people. In my experience I haven't met one woman that could be trusted that likes to feel other guys in social settings. No more listening to the lies, I am trusting my gut and hauling ass away from women like that. So, am I completely overreacting in these situations, or should I demand more respect, and leave if he's not willing to give it or what? I'd say the latter, you should demand more respect, and if he poo poos your feelings on the matter, then give him his walking papers. Would this bother any other girls, or am I just being crazy? I'm a guy, and based on experience, I won't tolerate this from a woman I am seeing. So yes, it would bother me. Sidenote: I might've been a little more weird with this girl because she used to go out with my BF's nephew. Well, my boyfriend kind of started to get involved with another ex of his nephew last year. And after talking to him about the girl from last night, he said he had, in the past, asked her if she'd go out with an older man. So he was interested in her before. But I didn't know that until after she left. Maybe you should be looking for a new boyfriend. Or the next time you are out, start touching another guy and give him a taste of his own medicine. ya ya, I know...thats childish and no way to work on a R....but it doesn't sound much like he will want to work on it anyway...so she might as well give him what he is dishing out to her.
Krytie TV Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 This is one of those posts that gives me the nagging "one side of the story" feeling. I'm a little torn on this issue, mostly because if this is the way he was when you met him, you really have no right, and really shouldn't feel you do, to change him. This is part of the package you chose when you committed to him. I do feel that you are highly likely to insert things into this scenario that may not exist, though that's just my gut feeling. You can probably make this worse than it is.
SpikeyChick Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 In the first minute of her coming over to say hello, he rubbed his hand down her hair, asking if she had changed her hair, and they both rubbed eachother's knees, saying how it's nice to see eachother, been so long, blahblah. . Hmm, perhaps I can suggest this - Imagine that the situation were reversed and YOU were the one greeting and touching a guy from your recent past. What would have to be going around in your mind for you to do that if front of your SO ?
MichelleS1983 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Sidenote: I might've been a little more weird with this girl because she used to go out with my BF's nephew. Well, my boyfriend kind of started to get involved with another ex of his nephew last year. And after talking to him about the girl from last night, he said he had, in the past, asked her if she'd go out with an older man. I'm a little MORE creeped out by the fact that this guy is hitting on his NEPHEW'S girlfriends. What's wrong with him that he thinks it's perfectly ok to cross that line? It's completely disrespectful to his nephew and quite honestly, makes him look like an old pervert fawning all over his newphew's ex-girlfriends. Seriously, that's revolting.
nicki Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 Creepy. I agree. No guy asks if a girl goes for "older guys" without an agenda. And if he's with you, then that's a cheating agenda as well as a creepy older guy with young nephew's girl agenda. Sounds like he is trolling, waiting for some woman to take the bait, while he has you as a safety net. Not good.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 His response? "I did not do that!" Here's the part that would bother me the most, either an outright lie or a complete lack of awareness of his actions. The former would piss me off, the latter would make me question how he interacts with women in general. Maybe you could suggest that he be more "self-aware" with his tactile contact, since he's responsible for himself. If he amends his behaviour, it's all good. If not, perhaps someone less flirty might be a better match for you.
Author non4321 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Here's the part that would bother me the most, either an outright lie or a complete lack of awareness of his actions. The former would piss me off, the latter would make me question how he interacts with women in general. Maybe you could suggest that he be more "self-aware" with his tactile contact, since he's responsible for himself. If he amends his behaviour, it's all good. If not, perhaps someone less flirty might be a better match for you. I agree, when he claimed he didn't even do it, I was completely flabbergasted. I was like, Oh, so you don't even realise when you do it?! And to the person who claimed something about him being gay, how do I say this without being mean? I thought it was a very...not smart...comment to put. I think he just doesn't even realise that he's being disrespectful, and he is very flirty and loves touching women. Now, people, don't take that the wrong way and start saying if he loves touching women so much and won't stop while being with you, then dump him. It's not like it sounds. Not like he touches whomever he wants, whenever. He has definitely gotten more respectful to me in that area since we started going out. Just, sometimes(which is not often), he does do it, and it makes me very unhappy. Sometimes when he touches a woman, where it would make some SO's upset, I don't mind. There is a lady we know that when we see her, she gives him an extra long hug, they kiss eachother on the cheek, she's given him gifts, and he loves to go see her. However, she also gives me big hugs, cheek kisses, and gifts to him because she is very grateful to him for helping her with her business. This type of thing doesn't bother me in the least. I suppose maybe touching bothers me when the girl is a little flirtier, and I get the impression that maybe she's interested in my BF, or that he was once interested in her. Is this the type of info that I might've been leaving out that one person commented on? If it's something else, then please let me know, because I don't know what type on info I might've been leaving out?
Author non4321 Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 I'd just like to add... Is there anyone on here that does have a SO that is very flirty, but that you feel would not actually cheat on you, and you've just learned to deal with it? If there was a way to just express to him my distaste for the inappropriate touching in a very mature way that won't just leave him defensive, I'd like to do that. I understand that he will always have a flirty nature, and I feel like I could learn to deal with it. I think I've done alright so far, and if he were just a little more aware of how his actions can upset me sometimes, it'd be fine. But does anyone have any tips for me that has experienced staying with someone like this?
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