can't get them out of my head...

[icess64]

So in Dec of 2005 my ex and I got into a fight about him being distant that resulted in us taking a break (what he wanted). We had been together 3 years and I wanted to know if we were headed toward marriage--he was scared because he'd been married before and she cheated. We got back together 2 weeks later and worked on things for 3 more months (or so I thought). I didn't know that he was seeing his co-worker those entire 3 months, which was what had inspired the break to begin with. I had my suspicions about the girl but it wasn't until I found flirty text messages from her that my suspicions were confirmed. Even though he swore there was nothing going on and he didn't want to break up, I couldn't give him the time he kept asking for to figure things out. I also found out at that time that he'd been married not once, but twice and he says she also cheated on him, so he knew how awful it felt which was his argument on why he'd never cheat on me.

 

I moved out, although shortly thereafter we began seeing each other again, even though he wouldn't say we were back together although he knew that's what I wanted. That lasted for another few months until I couldn't take the emotional ups and downs and called things off for good. Sure enough, through myspace, I not only found out they were together, but she posted a blog about how long they'd been together, which meant he'd been cheating since our first break. She then went on to say how they had to wait for him to kick me out so they could move forward (despite the fact that he begged me not to break up with him, give him more time, blah blah blah). I proceeded to get drunk and write them both nasty emails, something that I should not have done, but don't actually regret. She and I actually corresponded a few times (she apologized and then told me he's not a bad guy...puke).

 

Long story short (too late for that I think), it's been 2+ years since we broke up and they just got married. I know this thanks to Myspace (it's the devil) and the pictures that were posted. The wedding seems to have set me back (I have been doing pretty well up until recently). I'm even dreaming of him again, something I haven't done for a year or so since I found out about the cheating!

 

I'm over him (I thought so anyways), I don't feel anything when I look at the two of them together, but why can't I stop spying on their life? I still know his email password and will log in every few months just because and I look for emails from/about her. I look at pictures of them online. I don't feel like it's HIM so much as the idea of THEM and what they did to me that has me in it's grips. I was crazy in love with him and sometimes I'm unsure if I'll ever feel that way about someone again, so I think I'm still a little broken-hearted that he could have taken that love and stomped on it, then given her the kind of love I'd wanted to begin with. They seem to have a much stronger connection, more in common, etc than we ever had, so logically I understand why they have something better than we did. That doesn't stop me from thinking about it though. I tell myself he's a jerk and I truly believe that I'm better off with my current boyfriend, who treats me like a princess, but I still obsess over them.

 

I talk with my current boyfriend about getting married in the next couple of years and I really want to, but I feel like I can't give him my all until I can let go of my ex and his wife. It would upset him soo much if he knew how much I still think about it. How do I stop? Will it just go away on it's own, should I get counseling? Arg, I hate this!

[Nevermind]

I told my ex right after I read his e-mails that I did so, and I asked him to change the password (I hacked back into it, but told him so again and haven't looked at it since). I did it for two reasons: a) it's simply wrong and two wrongs don't make one right and b) it would never allow me to heal.

 

I feel better now. I took some huge steps this week. Maybe therapy helped but I am no longer feeling like crying and hiding away. My thoughts are with him, but not all the time...maybe once every hour. For 4 weeks since D-Day I am doing fine (nearly 5!).

 

You need to let go of this. I wouldn't advice telling him now, because he could get angry and hurt your current relationship. Maybe block the pages for yourself, at least this would give you an initial warning.

 

Whatever you do, don't marry somebody while you're still clinging to your past. Which is what you do. Let go.

[borelandkaren]

You need to sort out some kind of closure. Go to a counsellor, yes but you also need to learn some self control. Stop obsessing, stop looking at his life and try to move on. You say you have a man who treats you like a princess. Allow him to do this or get out. You're not being fair to him. He needs you to be there for him, not obsessing about something that you can never have again. This is disrespectful to him. How would you feel if he was doing the same thing to you. I know it hurts but it's over with the ex. It has been for a long time. You need to reconcile this in your mind.

[motive2002]

I didn't know that he was seeing his co-worker those entire 3 months, which was what had inspired the break to begin with.

That sucks SO much

I'll never understand cheaters. Damn them anyway! Oh yeah, and MySpace IS the devil. You've got it right on the money there!

he was scared because he'd been married before and she cheated

My god. You could say hypocrite, but that's too ordinary a category for this guy. How about complete toolshed!

 

Counseling is never a bad idea. What is it about your ex that has you fixated on it? I mean he sounds like a real dirt-bag... maybe you should try to pinpoint where this (obsession?) lies and see if it's anything that really matters to you and your current relationship.

I figured out what my own was (incredible, mind blowing adventurous passionate kinky sex with my ex-girlfriend) so I know what to overcome at least. I think knowing is half the battle, as they say.

 

Good luck, sweetie. Sounds like you've got a lot to offer your current b/f. I hope you can exorcise the demons from your past

[sunshinegirl]

That sucks SO much

I'll never understand cheaters. Damn them anyway! Oh yeah, and MySpace IS the devil. You've got it right on the money there!

My god. You could say hypocrite, but that's too ordinary a category for this guy. How about complete toolshed!

 

To the OP, man do I know what you mean. MY ex was cheated on by his ex-wife and made this big point about how hurtful it was and he wouldn't do it to anyone else...only to cheat on ME. I have no doubt that he has found a way to rationalize it away in his mind. I don't know what I would do if he wound up marrying the hooch he left me for. I do understand the incredible damage that betrayal does - somehow it magnifies a breakup 100 times and it seems like it's the pain of being treated so disrespectfully by someone that YOU loved and respected so much. It's really hard to get your mind around it.

 

All that is to say that I suspect your obsession is related to the wounds his cheating created, not because you miss him (as you said). My guess is that counseling might help at this point.

 

I hope, hope, hope, I am not struggling as you are 3 years from now.

 

(((hugs)))

[icess64]

Thanks for the responses. I realize I need to let go of it, that's why I posted.

 

I think what gets me about the two of them is I never had closure. Had he even ever admitted that he cheated and said sorry for hurting me, I think I'd have more closure, but I never got that. He got the last word by not giving me an apology or even an admission of guilt. And then to boot he's happy? Bull****. And not just happy, but now married? What happened to what goes around comes around? Karma?

 

Ugg, this is ridiculous, I can't believe I've let someone who is such a dickhead have so much control over my thoughts and actions. I'm an intelligent girl with tons going for me, so how could such a douchebag have such a profound effect on me? Especially, when I have a guy who is SOO much better.

 

You're right, you're all right. The crappy part is, I knew the right answer before I asked the question.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for the responses. I realize I need to let go of it, that's why I posted.

 

I think what gets me about the two of them is I never had closure. Had he even ever admitted that he cheated and said sorry for hurting me, I think I'd have more closure, but I never got that. He got the last word by not giving me an apology or even an admission of guilt. And then to boot he's happy? Bull****. And not just happy, but now married? What happened to what goes around comes around. Karma.

 

Ugg, this is ridiculous, I can't believe I've let someone who is such a dickhead have so much control over my thoughts and actions. I'm an intelligent girl with tons going for me, so how could such a douchebag have such a profound effect on me. Especially, when I have a guy who is SOO much better.

 

You're right, you're all right. The crappy part is, I knew the right answer before I asked the question.

 

My god woman, I could have written what you just wrote.

 

I suppose I got a half-hearted apology (but not really) and I totally forced him to admit his guilt. And then I sent a scathing, but incredibly dignified, email. So in my case, to the extent he has a scrap of a conscience, what he did will eat at him.

 

I don't know about karma, either. I really really want it to bite my ex in the ass. Big time. But as a few friends have (tried to) point out, he's already experiencing his karma:

 

-failed marriage for which he sees none of his own culpability (which means he'll only repeat the patterns!)

-failed relationship with me - someone who loved him and treated him better probably than any woman in his life

-new relationship that started with deception and lies

-total inability to self-reflect, understand/share feelings, empathize with others

 

Most of my friends think "gee, what a prize! Aren't you glad he's someone else's problem now?"

 

THAT is the perspective I want to have sink in and become my truth. I'm not there yet. Maybe that's a perspective that might help you close this chapter? I would think, too, that having a great new boyfriend would be immensely helpful, though as others have said you need to be fair to him and if you're not ready/available to be with him (let alone marry him) you owe him that truth.

 

Sunshinegal

[Nevermind]

No, I am afraid the apology wouldn't have helped. Mine did, and went with her anyway. It does only help if the apology is meant honestly and they are feeling the pain they caused.

 

Don't obsess about what could have helped. He wasn't man enough to face the truth or you.

 

Ask yourself why you can't let go. Pride? Pain? Anger?

 

-failed relationship with me - someone who loved him and treated him better probably than any woman in his life

-new relationship that started with deception and lies

-total inability to self-reflect, understand/share feelings, empathize with others

Check, check, check.

[motive2002]

I knew the right answer before I asked the question

I think most of us have this insight, but logic and emotion are mutually exclusive. Still it helps to let it out here where it's safe, and have others validate your feelings. I think it's therapeutic at the very least.

[icess64]

I think most of us have this insight, but logic and emotion are mutually exclusive. Still it helps to let it out here where it's safe, and have others validate your feelings. I think it's therapeutic at the very least.

therapeutic and cheaper too.

 

and actually, I already feel better. And just FYI, I haven't been thinking about him constantly for the last couple of years, it just seems to have gotten bad the last couple of weeks when I knew he was marrying her. It's a setback I'd like to think...hopefully getting it out on here will help me in letting it go so I can move forward with my great guy!