reddog63 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 44 yr old and separated for year with three kids now age 9,13,15 (married 22yrs). Long story short, married young, miscommunication, growing apart, some needs not being met……blah blah blah. So, I withdraw more and more over the years and had the yearning for a soulmate type relationship until I got brave enough to move out. I consider myself a sensitive and giving type which made it extremely hard to do. But overall, my wife is a good person, great mom, good sex, etc………..but because of either marrying young, feeling like roommates, not getting needs met, mid life crisis, rat race with two working adults with 3 kids, etc I was not happy……….so I have felt that making the final decision has been very difficult. We have great kids, we are both good parents. We both are still going to a counselor. It has helped a lot. I have gone thru periods of time when I was 85 percent sure I am leaving for good. To recently thinking that it would be best to be back home. Most of the similar stories are usually worse then mine. Such as little sex or no intimacy, or whatever. In my mind, it makes it so hard. That my situation is not bad enough if that makes sense. Also, I sometimes think about it logically………..that the search for a soulmate is a myth, that a few years down the road, the relationship will have its own set of problems, etc. Meaning it makes little sense, especially since I do not have it that bad if I did stay. But as some of you know who have felt it, that yearning for a soulmate (for lack of a better term) is a strong feeling. I know I am rambling; I was not really planning on posting today. I recently told wife I was thinking of coming home if she agreed. She said we need to speak to the counselor some more and not tell kids yet. The counselor asked me………what percentage would you give the following three…………..coming home for the sake of the kids, coming home for sake of the wife, coming home for doing the right thing? That was hard for me to answer……….but I said 25% for kids, 25% for wife, and 50% for doing the right thing. Counselor told us he had concern with those numbers. How does one know for sure or at least what questions do you ask yourself to know if you should move on or not?? I am usually a good decision maker. How do I know if I go back I wont regret it down the road?? Am I falsely thinking that there is this soulmate out there for me? Is this my middle age crisis talking? Any input is welcome, negative or positive………….thanks.
Gunny376 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Lee Iaacoca, former CEO of Dodge/Chrysler said when it comes to making decisions: "When making decisions you often do not have all the information you need, if you you have 50% you have enough to make a decion. " I personally don't belive in the "soul-mate/"the one" theory. It happens just enough for others to believe in it. But, I believe its rare. For both men and women, 2/3rd to 3/4th of people out there aren't worth having a serious relationship with. I do believe to have a great relationshp, both parties have to work at it. Work to live not work to live, priortize the relationship.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 How does one know for sure or at least what questions do you ask yourself to know if you should move on or not?? I am usually a good decision maker. How do I know if I go back I wont regret it down the road?? Am I falsely thinking that there is this soulmate out there for me? Is this my middle age crisis talking? Any input is welcome, negative or positive………….thanks. I'd have an issue with those numbers as well. You need to do it for you family or not at all. There is no such thing as a soulmate, stop reading romance novels. Yeah there might be someone out there who fits some of your needs better than others, but no perfect matches exist. Just choose, do you want this marriage to work or not? What makes you unhappy with your wife?
Kasan Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I too married young and have been married forever. I don't believe in soul mates but degrees of compatibility. How do you know you won't regret going back? You don't know what the future will bring, just like you didn't know what marriage would be like. Isn't it a leap of faith? I do wonder how your wife is coping with all this. Per your words she is a great mom, good person, and you have great sex. On top of this, you both are attending counseling. She is really working hard to work this out with you, and I wonder how long it will be before she loses her patience with you. Could it be that you want her to make the decision for you?
Author reddog63 Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 Lee Iaacoca, former CEO of Dodge/Chrysler said when it comes to making decisions: "When making decisions you often do not have all the information you need, if you you have 50% you have enough to make a decion. " I personally don't belive in the "soul-mate/"the one" theory. It happens just enough for others to believe in it. But, I believe its rare. For both men and women, 2/3rd to 3/4th of people out there aren't worth having a serious relationship with. I do believe to have a great relationshp, both parties have to work at it. Work to live not work to live, priortize the relationship. Thanks for input Gunny.....always enjoy your no nonsense posts. And don't get me wrong, I never really believed in the soul mate theory either but I used it for lack of a better term. I have read many a "Walk away wife" type posts. I related to them and thought of myself as the "Walk away husband". When the communication is poor enough for long enough time and you feel like your needs are not met, you can get to the point where you withdraw from the marriage. And from my personal experience, it is a deep hole to climb out of, even if from a common sense standpoint, you know the best thing would be to try and work it out.
Author reddog63 Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 I'd have an issue with those numbers as well. You need to do it for you family or not at all. There is no such thing as a soulmate, stop reading romance novels. Yeah there might be someone out there who fits some of your needs better than others, but no perfect matches exist. Just choose, do you want this marriage to work or not? What makes you unhappy with your wife? Certainly do not read romance novels...........maybe penthouse novels but not romance...lol What made me unhappy with wife?..........see above post.........lost feelings over years of miscommunication and unmet needs to the point of withdrawing from marriage. Feeling like the loving feelings have been worn down and not sure if they can ever come back. AND wanting and needing that connection. Same story with many a post on LS.
Author reddog63 Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 I too married young and have been married forever. I don't believe in soul mates but degrees of compatibility. How do you know you won't regret going back? You don't know what the future will bring, just like you didn't know what marriage would be like. Isn't it a leap of faith? I do wonder how your wife is coping with all this. Per your words she is a great mom, good person, and you have great sex. On top of this, you both are attending counseling. She is really working hard to work this out with you, and I wonder how long it will be before she loses her patience with you. Could it be that you want her to make the decision for you? She should have lost patience with me already. But I did ask to come back. She just wants to be sure this is final decision, which I understand. How has she coped with all this? I would have to give her high marks. She has become more involed in the church, bible studies, etc. And yes, it could be partly true that I would feel less guilt if she made decision. Thanks for input
quankanne Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I don't believe in soul mates but degrees of compatibility. nicely said, kasan. marriage is the art of compromise, about learning how match your ideals with your realities. Can you live without X or Y when you've got Z? (am thinking in terms of sex and intimacy, which is one of the huge problem areas of every relationship – if your partner isn't into sex for whatever reasons, but is openly intimate with you in other ways, would you still consider that a good/positive part of the package, or is no sex a deal-breaker?) In my particular case, it's learning to move past the resentment and hurt that my husband doesn't make sex a priority and simply enjoying the fact that I'm one of the lucky ones with a spouse who likes holding my hand and smooching me in public, who'll always end the phone conversation with "I love you" and kisses ... you pretty much learn to take the good stuff and work with it, is how I view compatibility. lost feelings over years of miscommunication and unmet needs to the point of withdrawing from marriage. Feeling like the loving feelings have been worn down and not sure if they can ever come back. AND wanting and needing that connection. Same story with many a post on LS. yeah, I feel what you're saying. But there's hope within y'alls reach. The first positive step the both of you have made is working with a marriage counsellor. Now look at other options to supplement that. Marriage-builders is a strongly recommended program I've heard others mention; in our case, my husband and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend that greatly improved the communication between us to a point where he finally understood why I felt about marriage the way I do because I was raised in a traditional Mexican Catholic household. And it's helped me to look for those good things about the relationship and focus on those, not the stuff that has the potential to hold us back. honestly? There have been times when I wanted to throw in the towel because the relationship wasn't resembling what I felt and was taught a good, sacramental marriage should be and because we weren't growing in the same direction. But by the grace of God, that retreat made things clearer for the both of us and helped me to see that underneath all the stuff that was keeping us unhappy, we believed in our marriage. it's not easy to remain married, but a huge part of doing so is knowing that when you say to yourself every day "this is the person I choose, who I want to make something with," you believe it with your very core. maybe your focus should be on that? even if it's "just" 25 percent, it's 25 percent more than zero, and a good relationship can be cultivated with a little help from the both of you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I have read many a "Walk away wife" type posts. I related to them and thought of myself as the "Walk away husband". When the communication is poor enough for long enough time and you feel like your needs are not met, you can get to the point where you withdraw from the marriage. And from my personal experience, it is a deep hole to climb out of, even if from a common sense standpoint, you know the best thing would be to try and work it out. That deep hole exists only in your mind, so... how deep is it really? Certainly do not read romance novels...........maybe penthouse novels but not romance...lol What made me unhappy with wife?..........see above post.........lost feelings over years of miscommunication and unmet needs to the point of withdrawing from marriage. Feeling like the loving feelings have been worn down and not sure if they can ever come back. AND wanting and needing that connection. Same story with many a post on LS. It's your job to communicate your needs, AND to make sure they are prioritized correctly... ie. not ignored. I'm glad you don't read romance novels. I think you may be suffering from that "grass is greener" syndrome. Do you control your feelings? Or do your feelings control you? I ask because you seem to think that you can't love her again. Typically that is due to resentment and anger. Is that the case?
Gunny376 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 44 yr old and separated for year with three kids now age 9,13,15 (married 22yrs). Long story short, married young, miscommunication, growing apart, some needs not being met……blah blah blah. But overall, my wife is a good person, great mom, good sex, etc………..but because of either marrying young, feeling like roommates, not getting needs met, mid life crisis, rat race with two working adults with 3 kids, etc I was not happy………. And what's to say that you're not going to fall back into the same routine with your "soul mate" which is the most likely case. People are trying to live too hard, quick and fast ~ have to much, keep up with the Jones' ,................Hell just keep up these days anymore. For most people their greatest chances of sucess for happiness here and ever-after is with their first spouse and the one they had children. Does that mean you don't have to work at it? Of course not. But after so many years everything needs some maintenace even a relationship. Trouble is when it comes to relationships most people are reactive rather than pro-active, and by then its too late. I'm a big advocate for getting out of the modern rat-race, that materially less is more. I think you and the wife should pretend your strangers and learn how to fall in love again. Throw the carpet back, and take her dancing on the livingfloor. All that time, effort, energy and money you would be romancing your soul mate could be spent on your wife.
quankanne Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 heh ...heavy petting in the backseat of the SUV would go a long way, too! *sigh* I miss necking, why did sex have to get in the way?
Gunny376 Posted June 7, 2008 Posted June 7, 2008 To the OP You might want to check out Dr. Hellen Kriedman's "Light Her Fire" program, (Goggle it) for yourself and her "Light His Fire" program for the DW. And since you've got the three children, her book "How Can We Light A Fire When The Chilren Are Driving Us Crazy" Her paperback version of "Light Her Fire" you can get for $5.95 at Amazon or Books A Million and of course Barnes and Noble. Less if you don't mind a used version. She offers real and pragmatic ideas about jump-starting a stagnant relationship. I just applied what I read in the paper-back version, and got outstanding results. It will get you to thinking creatively and imaginatively about tailor made things you can do to "Light Her Fire" and it doesn't have to be over the top, and cost a lot of money. Other book titles: "Romance 101" "1001 Ways To Be Romantic" 1001 More Ways To Be Romantic" "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, And Women Don't Get Enough Love" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" "Whem Mars and Venus Collide" "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" "Seduction" One of the young Turks at work got into a fix with his gal, and so I was out kicking around about town one day, paying bills and such, and stopped in at the local spa and got a brochure with prices. I gave it to him and told him to drop a couple of hundred for the massage, manicure, pedicure, facial etc. He looked at me as though I was nuts I told him, "You want out of the dog house or not?" What is more I told him, not only drop a couple of hundred, but set it up as a date without her knowing where your going on a date, but once you get her in the car, let her know that she's got a date not you and her! (This will drive her crazy with anticipation!) Then drop her off, and pick her up and take her out for a real date (dinner and a movie)" A buddy of mine and I use to save for a year on Marine Enlisted pay, and take the wives up from Camp Pendleton to Beverly Hills to a five star resturant and get dressed to the nines. For one night we were "movie stars" and among the "rich and famous ~ although it cost us out the @zz. But hey! Its cheaper than a divorce! And you get to see your chldren every nigh instead of half the time. (My marriage went down hilll once I got re-stationed at Parris Island ~ working seventy hours + a week or more, job stress, carrer stress, working like a Hebrew Slave for Pharoah, and I quit doing those things that I did to get her to begin with) With most things human, in the beginning "E=r" in that "E" = a tremendous amount of EFFORT yielding very little "r" (Results) But with time, experience, practice, and persisitence? The equation flips! and becomes "e=R" in which very little effort yields big results!
Author reddog63 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 That deep hole exists only in your mind, so... how deep is it really? It's your job to communicate your needs, AND to make sure they are prioritized correctly... ie. not ignored. I'm glad you don't read romance novels. I think you may be suffering from that "grass is greener" syndrome. Do you control your feelings? Or do your feelings control you? I ask because you seem to think that you can't love her again. Typically that is due to resentment and anger. Is that the case? How deep is my hole?? Apparently I dug a fairly deep hole. But I am tiring of my own insanity. Do I control my own feelings or do they control you? Not sure how to answer that. Apparently they control me. I do indeed carry resentment and anger and am scared I can not love her like I should. Unfortunately, we left issues unresolved for approximately 8 years or so. My gas tank emptied a while back. I know I need to loose that. And to be honest, I am scared to give up the dream of finding someone I can really connect with. I really do not have extended family so I am kind of on my own. So I think this amplifies my need. And throw in a splash of mid life crisis in the mix. Now, my logical side tells me I am nuts. So I can understand your post as well as others. Our 23rd anniverary is this coming weekend. The kids want me back of course. I am thinking of making the commitment and trying to push the fear away. I know deep down it is the right thing to do
Kasan Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Unfortunately, we left issues unresolved for approximately 8 years or so. My gas tank emptied a while back. I know I need to loose that. And to be honest, I am scared to give up the dream of finding someone I can really connect with. I really do not have extended family so I am kind of on my own. So I think this amplifies my need. And throw in a splash of mid life crisis in the mix. I just don't understand how issues can be left unresolved for 8 years. Where is the communication? Why didn't you resolve these issues long ago? You have allowed your anger and resentment to erode your marriage. I'm surprised that counseling hasn't helped with this. I too went through a time in my marriage where I questioned whether or not I had made the right choice in a life partner--and I think many of us do. I am so happy to tell you that the love can come back, deepen and grow. With me it was a simple act of kindness which erased all my doubts and questions. There is a thread here that talks about married couples who fall in and out of love with each other. I think the trick for long term married couples is that you don't fall out of love with each other at the same time. I admire your wife's patience in all of this--I don't think that I would be as patient. You're essentially putting her life on hold while you figure things out. It's just not fair. Good luck--
Author reddog63 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 I just don't understand how issues can be left unresolved for 8 years. Where is the communication? Why didn't you resolve these issues long ago? You have allowed your anger and resentment to erode your marriage. I'm surprised that counseling hasn't helped with this. I too went through a time in my marriage where I questioned whether or not I had made the right choice in a life partner--and I think many of us do. I am so happy to tell you that the love can come back, deepen and grow. With me it was a simple act of kindness which erased all my doubts and questions. There is a thread here that talks about married couples who fall in and out of love with each other. I think the trick for long term married couples is that you don't fall out of love with each other at the same time. I admire your wife's patience in all of this--I don't think that I would be as patient. You're essentially putting her life on hold while you figure things out. It's just not fair. Good luck-- Not sure why you dont understand how issues can go unresolved for so long. Is this site not full of stories of needs that go unmet regardless if they are communicated or not? For example, all the posts regarding little to no sex. For various reasons, the spouse is told of the problem but nothing is done about it. Not that this is an important point but thought I would respond. Yes, I have allowed my resentment and anger erode my marriage. Is this not the natural order of things? I mean, if your husband doesnt give you the intimacy you need or provide you with ........I dont know.........security of holding down a job..........or whatever are your needs..........if that is done long enough would it not erode your marriage? Especially if you communicated this to him dozens of times. I am not trying to make a case for what I am doing. I do not want to feel this way. I am struggling with lifes decisions just like we all are. But thanks for input..........I do understand your points you get across and I appreciate your responses.
TrustInYourself Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 Why isn't your wife your soulmate? She can be. Why is it your wife's responsibility to ensure you are happy? Do you think it's your soulmate's responsibility to make you happy? That feeling of instantly loving someone with your entire soul and being is just chemicals. Stop letting the chemicals control your mind.
Author reddog63 Posted June 10, 2008 Author Posted June 10, 2008 Why isn't your wife your soulmate? She can be. Why is it your wife's responsibility to ensure you are happy? Do you think it's your soulmate's responsibility to make you happy? That feeling of instantly loving someone with your entire soul and being is just chemicals. Stop letting the chemicals control your mind. I am sorry in advance, but this post annoys me. Where did I say it is my wife's responsibility to ensure I am happy??? To me this is a very basic and common sense situation. If a spouse does not meet your needs in a marriage, and you try to communciate that long enough and there are no real changes and enough time goes by, then you can find yourself withdrawing from the marriage. It is not hard to understand. If your spouse is a workaholic and you try and try to get him/her to spend time with you and you communicated it...........and the years keep going by........you build resentment and you slowly withdraw from a marriage..........or relationship.........I always found this to be a very baskic concept. I do not care if it is a preachers wife......if her husband ignores her long enough, she may leave or find someone else...........go read the marriage builders site, it is described very well there.......... The question comes back to............can you reconnect??............but when you lose that connection......the feelings you once had.........there are usually two camps............some say that once it is gone, it is gone..............others say........you can get it back. I am trying to figure this out. And........I am having this word "soulmate" come back to bite me. I do not really like that word. I am not thinking I will be holding hands running through a field of daiseys, happily ever after. But I do want to feel that bond, that love, that I should have for a wife. Have YOU ever been in this position???? Have you let arguments and disagreements over the same subjects come up time after time? To where you feel worn down?? I have heard it somewhere described as a love bank. If you get to many withdrawals you could find yourself in the red. This is one area I am not confused in. I am not discounting the responses that say you can get that love back. But I can tell you, as you read in many a post, once that person gets to the point of leaving, a lot of damage has been done. Anyway....I think I have beat this dead horse enough.......thanks to all that spent time to respond.
quankanne Posted June 10, 2008 Posted June 10, 2008 but it's not really a dead horse when there's still a faint heartbeat detectable ... in your case, your desire to try to get things back on track and focusing on the spark of hope to stay together. Sure, you'll have a harder time of it, but I guarantee you, if she sees you're sincere and she still harbors a hope to make it work because you've got a lot invested together, then it's definitely worth taking the chance to make it work. wooing is nothing more than giving a part of yourself to someone, and I imagine after all the crap you've gone through together, she'd find it refreshing.
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