VenusInFurs Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I'm 20, I lost my job a few days ago, a job I needed to support myself as I can't live with my parent. I've been living with my boyfriend and his family for months (paid them a small amount of rent from savings I had) until I got a job that paid decently so I could rent a room of my own somewhere else. I finally got that job, but after a month I was fired I've slumped back into depression. I've struggled with clinical depression for years - doctors previously gave me a working diagnosis of bipolar and offered me mood stabalisers but I refused them, although I'm starting to want a quick fix now because I can't deal with myself. I'm so unstable I have the Samaritans number saved in my phone! I feel like I either want to kill myself or run away. The day after I was fired I went to a famous club in London with my friends and boyfriend (tickets had been bought for it weeks ago, everyone was hyped about it. Even though I felt **** I thought I'd be letting my friends down if I didn't go - BIG MISTAKE). I left after being there for 45 minutes. I was okay when I went in, but then my boyfriend started bitching at me and I thought '**** it, I'm gonna be miserable the whole night so why I am here' and I stormed off. Completely impulsive, but that's how I am when I feel depressed. I went and sat outisde and ordered a cheap cab. My boyfriend followed me. Told me we both couldn't get back in, that he'd lost his coat to the cloakroom which had £60 in it and the zippo I bought him. I just tell him it's his own fault for following me and break up with him. (Sounds so ****ing cold I know, and it's not the first time I've dumped him.) My boyfriend treats me very well most of the time, although he has a tendancy to be very bitchy (complains and moans a lot), negative, angry and unreceptive. I realise everyone has flaws. I know I'm not perfect. I'm a nice person(or at least that's what's at face value), just emotionally ****ed and I can be so selfish and cruel at times, although I'm always sorry after I am. I also contradict myself and have so many doublestandards. I HATE who I am. The thing is, I just can't cope living with my boyfriend, at least at the moment because of how I'm feeling right now. The morning after the club night I packed up all of my stuff (with no idea where I was going to go) but eventually my boyfriend wouldn't let me leave. After a **** day together, he went to see his friend, when he came back I told him I was going to stay at my Nan's for a week to get some space and clear my head. He said he'd miss me and doesn't want me to go for even a week. I'm flattered by this but why would he want me around so much? I'm terrible. I love him, I just can't live with him right now. I can't even face seeing my friends. I have some savings (a family member died a while ago and left me some money) so I'm thinking of finding a room to rent while I'm at my nan's and start to look for a new job. Thing is I'm supposed to be going to art college in september (my dream), there aren't any dorms, I'd only be able to work a weekend or night job and I'm doubtful the money would cover living expenses (savings will run out) especially with this ****ing inflation thing. I don't have parents to fall back on, and I can't live with my nan. I'm worried about the future, depressed as ****, confused as ****, and fixing it is so daunting and scary. Should I just rent a room and not worry until the problems are real? I feel like I'm trapped and I need to get away, but I don't want to **** myself over financially and end up on the streets. Your thoughts would be appreciated!
Nevermind Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 You should see a doctor again and discuss if medicamentation would help you. Not a "quick fix" but regular, steady medicamentation. Break up with your boyfriend. It doesn't have to be final, but you need to get yourself back on track and you need to do it alone. It will be a hard way, and you'll most likely hurt him in the process. So stay away from him. Tell him why you do and wish him the best. If you're meant to be, you'll be together. If not, better learn it early. Find out why you've been fired from your job and if there were valid reasons, work on them. Find a job. You have 3 months to work and save money that will help you in the beginning. You can work in the semester breaks, and apply for scholarships. There are many kinds, not all of them require you to be at the top of your class. As an orphan you might get additional help, talk to someone at your university about it. Take the weekend at your Nan's to think about what you really want, from yourself, from your boyfriend, from your life. Find a cheap room somewhere.
Author VenusInFurs Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 I'm not an orphan, although I can see why you'd think that from my post. My Dad (an alcoholic) did a disappearing act three-four years ago a while after my parents got divorced, and my Mum is impossible to live with and I know I'm not welcome there anymore. I just think I should give up on art college because stuff like that is meant for people with supportive parents. I should just trade my talents in for a 9-5 that will keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach
Nevermind Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Don't give up on college. It will help you put a better roof and better food in your stomach later. You can do it, just try it. Have a talk with the university anyway. There are really lots of scholarships, you might qualify for one anyway.
Kasan Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 You are twenty years old, with a long life ahead of you! You are just going through some life bumps right now and believe or not, you will get better navigating them as you get older. Please get yourself straightened out before you make any life changing decisions. No decisions need to be made right now at this moment! Call your doctor and if you need to take medication to stabilize yourself--please take it! Tomorrow will be a better day.
Author VenusInFurs Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 Guys, thank you so much for posting. I'm at my nan's right now, I'm still unsure whether to break up with my boyfriend. I feel I want to stay in the relationship but just live on my own and see how things go. I really need my own space to breathe. I don't know how well he'll cope with me moving out permanantly, because today he kept saying over and over how much he's going to miss me, and it's just a week. He also said things like 'promise you'll come back' half jokingly but I know deep down he's serious and probably even suspects I'm out for good. I think it's going to be very difficult to get him to understand. I'm going to start looking for cheap rooms now, and I've already been to the doctor who's sent an urgent referral to a psychiatrist who will decide what medication to put me on (probably valproate like the last time). I feel a little better now but extremely on edge.
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