Long term relationship spining wildly

[daisy13]

We are a couple that are 23 (male “Bob” for pourpose of this) & 24 (female “Barb”). We have been together for 3.5years. He was a work crush, that came through. We are both writing this so it is fair and shows both sides and will both be reading this.

 

Things started great as they always do. In the beginning he had ex drama. His ex was always around, but were finally resolved. Things went great, at 6 months we went on our first vacation out of the country, and had the times of our lives. I, Bob told Barb to put the trip on her card and I would pay her back when we got back. Things were looking like I was, but always made delays and excuses as I was spending money on my car. I finally paid her back 6 months over due

 

Shortly thereafter the trip we moved in together. We were inseparable, and had no real boundaries with each other.

 

Bob, had a business idea to buy items from a company that went out of business and proposed that we do it. It involved $10,000. Barb said ok (providing the money), I Bob provided information and showed that it was a profitable to double the money. We agreed that that was the set number, and no more was to be used for this. Barb said that the rest of the money in the account was NOT to be used, and off limits. Bob saw the opportunity to use $20,000 and make the same kind of return of doubling. Bob acted on what he wanted by taking double the money without consulting Barb. The $20,000 was all of her savings. After the fact he called her after he had already had gone through with the $20,000 at her first day at a new job. We did sell everything for $40,000, which was less than originally planned. At the time he involved his family, by promising them money, and not telling her about it

 

He had another business idea to buy items from another companies going out of business. This time, it was small investments each time $500-$3000 using Barbs credit card. This time yielding %30 returns. Bob started pushing the limits again, by spending more than the originally agreed on amounts. Bob set dates with Barb to pay the card but when the time came he always pushed the dates further into the future. Finally Bob became stayed within the limits set by Barb. Bob was then allowing people to pay for the items over time and not Cash On Delivery. Bob Did not tell Barb. He was trying to impress his “friends” and called me a whore on the phone which he thought he was joking arround to be cool.

 

 

We moved out of state for Barb’s work. We have been here for 8 months. He was told to get his life together, get back in school, and work on this. Barb’s job required traveling 1 week a month. He started to gamble, and gamble excessively. He gambled $10,000 and never told Barb about it, and she had to find out by seeing charges on the credit card. When asked he told me that he had been playing in “social clubs/underground” rooms. Which is also where he got half the money. The other half was Will money from his Grandmother. To pay his debts. He used the money from his grandmother, and money from the card in cash advances

 

We have traveled all over the world and spent every day with each other the last 3.5 years. He has got back into school, but failed else where. I Barb have told them that this is it, that the gambling and the lying is the last drop in the glass. I Bob have told her that I will not do this again, and will do everything to show her that I will change and Love her very much. Barb does doubt me because I have said I wouldnt lie after each time I did before. I Barb don’t think it is possible that he will change, and that I can continue like this. Bob does think and is promising that he wont, and will do anything

 

We applogie for the long story, but these are the facts that have happened over the last 3 years. We are writing this together so it is accurate. So the question is should I Barb give him one last chance

[Untouchable_Fire]

We applogie for the long story, but these are the facts that have happened over the last 3 years. We are writing this together so it is accurate. So the question is should I Barb give him one last chance

 

How many last chances has Bob already blown? Bob needs professional help for his gambling problems. The businesses ideas are part of this. He also needs to get 100% honest immediately.

[blind_otter]

If I were Barb, the only way I would continue the relationship is if Bob and Bard had completely separate bank accounts and credit cards that were not shared at all - completely separate finances. I would never, ever, ever combine my finances with Bob ever again. He has shown that he is immature, irresonsible, and immensely selfish - and beyond that, he lies repeatedly about HUGE issues to cover his ass - which means that ultimately, Bob puts BOB first.

 

So what if Bob is in school. Bob needs to get a job. Personally, I worked the entire time I was in college. Sometimes two jobs.

 

I would also make reconciliation conditional on Bob getting psychiatric help for his gambling addiction.

 

Promises are just empty words. Actions mean something.

[Sarita12385]

I think Bob has a money-hungry issue going on, IMO. There's more to life than all this money. Really...there is. Remember how happy you guys were? I met most of that "happy time" was before the $$$ games began, hm? Don't let money overpower you anymore than it has. Cherish the woman you are with. When it comes down to it, SHE is your life. You need to build on your relationship, not on how much money you have or want to have. Keep separate bank accounts until you get everything back on track. Don't wait until Barb walks out to blink and realize the damage being done. It's not worth it at all. Best of luck to you both, I will keep you in my prayers

[General Jack]

Time for actions, not words, Bob. You've dug yourself quite a deep hole, I wouldn't trust you at this point... but I'm not in Barb's shoes either, having my emotions clouded by the better times.

 

It sounds like you have some compulsive behavior issues that you need to control. Get a job and pay your way. It will be a start to proving you can be a responsible adult.

 

Barb, absolutely no more financial assistance for Bob until he proves over the course of years that he is reformed. If Bob loves you he will understand. You aren't even married, if you continue down the path you are on you will be in financial ruin that will take years to recover from. I've seen many girls who helped their BFs, hubbies, etc. through school... only to be kicked to the curb when the financial assistance was not longer needed. Don't let that be you.

[daisy13]

This is Bob: I do, have a job. I am looking into help, for me being a compulsive liar, and need to be a huge risk taker. I no longer want that "big score", whether it be gambling, or buying something to try and hit big.

 

I am starting over trying to show her that I can be a best friend again, be someone that is serious, and wants a future. I know I have been a disappointment. I have a small and short chance to try and save this. Please let us know for any ideas, or anything.

 

Thanks All!!