LifeShark Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 I just recently started to see this guy and we have become steady. So far I really enjoy his company and we get along very well. Sometimes when we are talking he will "joke around" about other women. Now keep in mind, we are newly dating. He will say stuff like... "what would you say if I looked at other women's bodies?" or "would you be jealous if I went to certain porn sites?" or when we were at a restaurant he said "he wondered what would the waitress would say if he could give her a tip in the back room?" Also, when we met... he told me that he had these good married friends. The wife of the couple is really good friends with him. So when we first met, he told me that she would talk sex with him on email and the phone. So I asked him if he was having an affair with her. He swears up and down that it was all in fun and that it didn't do anything for him in the least. (not that this has too much to do with it, but she is very heavy and not attractive) I explained to him that if we were to become exclusive, that I would not like that one bit. After all, would he like for me to talk sex with other men, right? At first he said I had too much of a jealousy issue and that she was such a good friend, he wouldn't want to loose her, so I was going to have to get over being jealous or it would be me that would have to go. I explained to him that I didn't care if they were just friends, but the sex talk had to go, if I stayed around. Actually I was surprised that he even admitted to me that he spoke that way to his woman friend. So he said he told her to stop the sex talk and still claims there is no more of that kind of talk. Anyway, this relationship is very new and I would like some advice on how to handle all this kind of strange joking about other women. So far I have told him that if he wants to have a fair relationship that if he wants to do these kinds of things, that I would have the potential to do just the same. I am not a big fan of threats. So thats why I am asking advice.
Carmen87 Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 Honestly, I think I would kick the guy to the curb because I would never be able to trust him.
Author LifeShark Posted June 5, 2008 Author Posted June 5, 2008 Thats getting harder since I think I am falling for him, but like I said, this is so new, I am going to take it real slow.
Jilly Bean Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 He sounds like an asshat, girl! He always seems to be testing you, then throwing down parameters, then being disrespectful and challenging. ALL signs of a very controlling personality. I couldn't spend 5 minutes with this type of person.
Author LifeShark Posted June 5, 2008 Author Posted June 5, 2008 asshat! LOL I think I will just save up all these posts and then email them to him! LOL Its not every second like that, other times he's very caring for most of the times we are together. I have hesitated to bring it up, because I know what he will probably say, I was just kidding. But its so early in the relationship that haven't said too much, but I am thinking if he wants any kind of long term relationship these comments will have to stop and I will have to tell him before long.
Jilly Bean Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 LS, you're being very naive. He is slowly showing you who he really is. If he is this much a d*ck NOW, imagine what's coming down the pike. It won't get better, it will only get worse. The beginning is the honeymoon phase when everyone has their best foot forward. If he is being this disrespectful and controlling NOW, I think you are being foolish to think he will stop at any point. I'd seriously get out NOW.
SpikeyChick Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 LS, you're being very naive. He is slowly showing you who he really is. If he is this much a d*ck NOW, imagine what's coming down the pike. It won't get better, it will only get worse. The beginning is the honeymoon phase when everyone has their best foot forward. If he is being this disrespectful and controlling NOW, I think you are being foolish to think he will stop at any point. I'd seriously get out NOW. I agree - what this guy is doing is called "mindf**king"..It is a HUGE neon flashing sign that he IS not suitable for a relationship because he is trying to get POWER and CONTROL by crushing you subtly with these comments, which always involve other women. THis behavior of his goes way past some high school game of "make her jealous" - This is really BAD shyte because it is forming into a pattern . His need to dangle you, control you, and yank your emotional chain indicate a serious Presonality defect. Unfortunately you have met someone who is NOT LTR material- we all meet at least one of these loonies. Stay with him at your own detriment. YOu have been warned - BUT you know him best right ?
v33 Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 Even if he is completely trustworthy anyone that makes those kinds of comments over and over to his GF is very disrespectful at worst, and clueless at best. Unless you don't think you can do any better I'd ditch him. At the very least you had better call him on this **** before he just labels you as a total pushover and starts acting like more of a tool.
Author LifeShark Posted June 5, 2008 Author Posted June 5, 2008 More more!!!! These are great. Keep it coming. I am new at all this dating crap! I do think I will just call him on it. I need respect!
D-Lish Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 More more!!!! These are great. Keep it coming. I am new at all this dating crap! I do think I will just call him on it. I need respect! Respect shouldn't be something you have to ask for. A person worthy of pursuing a healthy relationship with will freely demonstrate that to you. There is no respect here. A guy that makes a comment about giving the waitress a "tip" in the backroom in front of his date is a dude-box. He's testing, baiting, asserting his percieved maleness all over you at the expense of your feelings. If you need respect- please date someone else. So he intentionally mentions provacative things about other women- then turns around and tells you that you are too jealous? Think about it- what does that say about him? (Besides the fact that he is insecure, manipulative and controlling).
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 LS, I wouldn't trust him for two seconds. He's doing one of two things; either 'mindf___ing' with you (as SC mentioned) or he's testing the waters. He may well be trying to figure out now what he can get away with later. I agree with D. The waitress comment would bother me more than anything else. Having a friend he flirts with is one thing (even if he IS taking it too far). But talking about doing strangers, especially this early in the relationship, is just bad form on his part. If he wants affirmation that he's desirable, tell him he's more than welcome to look for it...without you.
Jilly Bean Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 More more!!!! These are great. Keep it coming. I am new at all this dating crap! I do think I will just call him on it. I need respect! You're missing the point, hon. This isn't anything to "call him on". He's a bad man, and not worthy of ANY woman's time. That is what everyone on here is trying to tell you. This isn't something to be fixed or worked out. You walk away.
nicki Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 What a tool. He's obviously seeing how much of his crap you would take if you two were exclusive, which he would never be anyway....I smell a cheater looking for a woman he can easily lie to....and you are too smart for that! Run!
rosalie Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 run and run quickly. Couldn't have said it better than nicki... he's a tool. I know you like him, want to be with him and you don't want to hear that, but he's a child and as always d-lish is spot on, respect is not something you ask for in a personal relationship it should just be there. I went through something similar with my current SO though definitely not as radical as his comments. I posted here about some comments he'd made about some girls on the beach. I thought I was being too sensitive, wanted to be the "cool chick" and all that and others recommended the same advice... I called him on it and it hasn't happened since, he now knows if he wants to be with me, then he's with me. We all look, it's natural but his comments are beyond the pale, it's one thing to comment on Jake Gyllenhall or Jessica Alba or something, it's another to go that far. It's a definite sign of immaturity on his part, depends on what you want, if you want something real with him, it's not good enough and I'd be outta there.
brightskies Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 What he's doing is total bullsh*t. Don't put up with it and don't bother acting jealous --- just call him on it so he knows what a turd he's being, then drop him.
Author LifeShark Posted June 7, 2008 Author Posted June 7, 2008 You guys are great and this site is great! I will certainly listen to your advice.
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