WhiteKnight Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 (Admins/Mods if this is the wrong area, feel free to move it) Anyhow... where to begin? I don't know how to say it, but I am couping with the hardest fact of accepting that I am a "compulsive liar". A friend who I used to know ended the friendship with me because he did not like me compulsively lying to others (mainly his friends). There was a point of time last year that I promised two of my friends I would be working towards trying to resolve the problem of me compulsively lying. I had a problem with dealing with this issue for awhile... like 18 months. I went and saw Personal Counselling help and discussed with them about how come and why am I a liar? I honestly do not know why I do it and sometimes I wonder how come I am doing it like 'frequently' and I feel like I was telling the truth but at the same time one of my friends feel like I'm not. Finally it caught up to me, a close friend of mine didn't want to talk to me anymore since a week ago and started like acting like as if I did not exist. So he basically said nothing to me whenever I greeted my friend. He just kept walking. I will admit that a part of me did not like what was happening, yet the other side of me was enjoying the fact I have so many friends. I honestly wish I knew how come I love compulsively lying. Its not fair for others, including I am hurting myself over this. I sat in my room after being confronted from one of the friends who trusted me... told me he could not be friends with me anymore. I was upset but accepted the reasons why he couldn't, my friend... told me the truth that he could not abide with a liar or even be friends with them. I cried emotionally inside and out thinking about this as I write it here because I feel there is no one to really turn to except... well my girlfriend but she is overseas and always working. I managed to get a hold of her just a few minutes ago and she said I was better off without my friend who can not support me to stop lying. My parents are gone overseas for a vacation, while here I am studying at University but right now I feel ruined inside. Losing a friend over this compulsive lying situation has made me feel upset emotionally and mentally. After having a short grieve, I can understand that I broke a promise and yet this friend I had could not stand any longer. A part of me felt like that we are better off in our seperate ways and also we both accepted to remain neutral with one another and hoping that... this does not affect our Uni finals. I feel very ashamed, like I am curled up into my shell. Wondering how come I like, no wait... love enjoying compulsively lying. I thought about it many times as to how to over come it, my parents taught me that lying too often is wrong and people can not trust you. Furthermore my Father said its alright to do a 'white lie' once to cover yourself but be reminded it would not work if you were to do it constantly. Also... a couple of my closest friends feel like they can understand they are unable to talk to me on some things and trust me on other things. So I tell my friends straight that... "Its best that I do not know" (this has happened for situations where they wanted to chit chat or slandar others but I didn't want to get involved and as honest I was ever since, I thought it was best that I did not know because if I did say something... I would get in strife over it) I have accepted the fact that I do lie people just to get attention whenever I feel the urge to join into a conversation and 'pretend to know' that either I know the topic or just wanted to join in for the sake of it. In the end... I feel very alone. Yes I do brag sometimes and perhaps frequent, including exaggerate. I am going to open my arms to you all to give me your advice and suggestions on how to overcome this. I really want to be a good true person, a person who speaks truthful. Honest as I can be right now, I need help, support and advice. Thank you....
borelandkaren Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 (Admins/Mods if this is the wrong area, feel free to move it) Anyhow... where to begin? I don't know how to say it, but I am couping with the hardest fact of accepting that I am a "compulsive liar". A friend who I used to know ended the friendship with me because he did not like me compulsively lying to others (mainly his friends). There was a point of time last year that I promised two of my friends I would be working towards trying to resolve the problem of me compulsively lying. I had a problem with dealing with this issue for awhile... like 18 months. I went and saw Personal Counselling help and discussed with them about how come and why am I a liar? I honestly do not know why I do it and sometimes I wonder how come I am doing it like 'frequently' and I feel like I was telling the truth but at the same time one of my friends feel like I'm not. Finally it caught up to me, a close friend of mine didn't want to talk to me anymore since a week ago and started like acting like as if I did not exist. So he basically said nothing to me whenever I greeted my friend. He just kept walking. I will admit that a part of me did not like what was happening, yet the other side of me was enjoying the fact I have so many friends. I honestly wish I knew how come I love compulsively lying. Its not fair for others, including I am hurting myself over this. I sat in my room after being confronted from one of the friends who trusted me... told me he could not be friends with me anymore. I was upset but accepted the reasons why he couldn't, my friend... told me the truth that he could not abide with a liar or even be friends with them. I cried emotionally inside and out thinking about this as I write it here because I feel there is no one to really turn to except... well my girlfriend but she is overseas and always working. I managed to get a hold of her just a few minutes ago and she said I was better off without my friend who can not support me to stop lying. My parents are gone overseas for a vacation, while here I am studying at University but right now I feel ruined inside. Losing a friend over this compulsive lying situation has made me feel upset emotionally and mentally. After having a short grieve, I can understand that I broke a promise and yet this friend I had could not stand any longer. A part of me felt like that we are better off in our seperate ways and also we both accepted to remain neutral with one another and hoping that... this does not affect our Uni finals. I feel very ashamed, like I am curled up into my shell. Wondering how come I like, no wait... love enjoying compulsively lying. I thought about it many times as to how to over come it, my parents taught me that lying too often is wrong and people can not trust you. Furthermore my Father said its alright to do a 'white lie' once to cover yourself but be reminded it would not work if you were to do it constantly. Also... a couple of my closest friends feel like they can understand they are unable to talk to me on some things and trust me on other things. So I tell my friends straight that... "Its best that I do not know" (this has happened for situations where they wanted to chit chat or slandar others but I didn't want to get involved and as honest I was ever since, I thought it was best that I did not know because if I did say something... I would get in strife over it) I have accepted the fact that I do lie people just to get attention whenever I feel the urge to join into a conversation and 'pretend to know' that either I know the topic or just wanted to join in for the sake of it. In the end... I feel very alone. Yes I do brag sometimes and perhaps frequent, including exaggerate. I am going to open my arms to you all to give me your advice and suggestions on how to overcome this. I really want to be a good true person, a person who speaks truthful. Honest as I can be right now, I need help, support and advice. Thank you.... I was the same for a long time. U simply just have to stop it. It will ruin your life. Now I'm honest to the point of brutality at times but people know exactly where they stand with me. STOP LYING!!! Everyone works out eventually that you are doing it and no-one trusts you. You'll end up a very lonely person if you keep it up. It's up to you.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I used to be like this, in a way. I always lied about details, even though the answer didn't matter either way. I know that my motive was fear, because I was just to being bullied and I simply didn't want to give anything away. Not even the simpliest thing. This might not be your reason, but there is a reason. You just need to find it. Are you afraid that you'll lose friends, if you STOP lieing? Because they would notice how you really are and that would make them like you less? Or are you feeling that you need to spice up your life to be more interesting? Do you simply try to protect yourself? What is your motive? Find it, and work on it. I stopped cold turkey, when my boyfriend confronted me with this in our first week together. I had lied to him 3 times, about completely random things. He said he wanted us to be completely honest with each other and I stopped. Note: not lieing doesn't mean telling the truth all the time. Sometimes, if you don't want to say the truth, just don't say anything at all. This is how I do it.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 What is your motive? Find it, and work on it. That is exactly what you need to do. You'll find that this piece of advice works in all aspects of your life. The "why's" really do matter. You are on the right track. Forgive yourself and start becoming honest!
Author WhiteKnight Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 I was the same for a long time. U simply just have to stop it. It will ruin your life. Now I'm honest to the point of brutality at times but people know exactly where they stand with me. STOP LYING!!! Everyone works out eventually that you are doing it and no-one trusts you. You'll end up a very lonely person if you keep it up. It's up to you. Yea I have been trying to stop lying but I'll explain more in the following response down below... I used to be like this, in a way. I always lied about details, even though the answer didn't matter either way. I know that my motive was fear, because I was just to being bullied and I simply didn't want to give anything away. Not even the simpliest thing. This might not be your reason, but there is a reason. You just need to find it. Are you afraid that you'll lose friends, if you STOP lieing? Because they would notice how you really are and that would make them like you less? Or are you feeling that you need to spice up your life to be more interesting? Do you simply try to protect yourself? What is your motive? Find it, and work on it. I stopped cold turkey, when my boyfriend confronted me with this in our first week together. I had lied to him 3 times, about completely random things. He said he wanted us to be completely honest with each other and I stopped. Note: not lieing doesn't mean telling the truth all the time. Sometimes, if you don't want to say the truth, just don't say anything at all. This is how I do it. To come to think of it, if its "Fear" then that could be more the reason on why I can not get along with people. I do feel in some way I feel like if I lose someone it is because perhaps I could not establish a topic going and have them interested in it. If I had stop lying a part of me, I'm guessing its my heart saying that its wrong to lie to my friends just to impress them yet there is something behind me saying "I'm all high and mighty, why should I do that?" To come to think of that, I'm going to guess it might be too much pride? I don't know, I have to keep searching. I think I wanted to become famous, I would change the shape of the universe and feel like I'm out there and not "down to Earth" as they say. I know that I do have a friend who has a habit of lying and she's female who infact is a friend of myself and my current partner. According to my partner she told me about her friend what she truly thought about her friend, she made a few pointers that led me to believe her friend was compulsively lying to many people including her as well. What my partner was explaining to me in detail was that her friend was actually, "seeking attention" and "wants good things in her life", fair enough if you ask me. However, what my partner pointed out was the even though my our friend has a habit of trying to cover something up or influence anyone in a way that something has gone wrong and did not honestly rasied it with anyone, then the trust issue is beginning to cause a problem, it can be hard for her to accept it sometimes... that I know. I confronted this female friend of mine and spoked to her about her experiences, none of them were great perse, it was more about "satisfying the attraction" and then using whichever friend is able to help when needed. I asked her why she loved lying but she honestly gave me an answer that were along the lines of she didn't really know except she one day was forced to reduce her lying whenever she heard her friends were sick of it. I will confess that I have lied to my girlfriend six times on occassions where I was innocently trying not to disrupt our conversations and on other occassions I have been confronted by her because of one of my friends was concerned about me. This time round it was neither the case. Perhaps I have been over protective and shielded myself a fair bit, the reason I have shielded myself is because this ex-friend of mine was teasing me about my knowledge on some things and I was annoyed about it like hell. I felt like I was being mocked, tortured even and then I just had to make something up on the spot to make it realistic. At the time he confronted me, that's where I told him about how I felt insulted over it and I did say I am not angry about it except offended that he showed his true colours. Then in a fighting arguement he lashed out saying that I have not accepted I am liar and broke a promise, I simply shrugged and pointed out that a true friend would not back away from helping me overcome the issue I have. However I came across very harsh back at him along the lines of that he has chosen to end the friendship because of this, I told him to stick to it (stick with his decision) because back in my mind I've been hurt and was annoyed that he did not come and confront me sooner furthermore, he countered it by that he did not know how to help me and that was his reason. I then draw the line saying that he could of told me months or a year ago and mentioned that he would help me but he never did or showed any advice or support. I think if I was asked on something that I do not understand, I would just state that "... I honestly wish I had an answer for you but I suppose you can ask someone else to do it" I still think there is something else... keep hitting me with questions and advice.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 At the time he confronted me, that's where I told him about how I felt insulted over it and I did say I am not angry about it except offended that he showed his true colours. Then in a fighting arguement he lashed out saying that I have not accepted I am liar and broke a promise, I simply shrugged and pointed out that a true friend would not back away from helping me overcome the issue I have. However I came across very harsh back at him along the lines of that he has chosen to end the friendship because of this, I told him to stick to it (stick with his decision) because back in my mind I've been hurt and was annoyed that he did not come and confront me sooner furthermore, he countered it by that he did not know how to help me and that was his reason. I then draw the line saying that he could of told me months or a year ago and mentioned that he would help me but he never did or showed any advice or support. It is hard to understand a person that is lieing to you and when confronted with it portrays it as something that needs support. I know you need support and it isn't easy, but honestly if you look at it from a neutral point of view, you can see that your reaction wasn't a good one. Maybe this is something you need to learn. I don't know the nature of your lies, but I am assuming that they are not meant badly. So you know this, and you know that you don't mean to hurt your friends. But they don't. Each lie is like a blow, it kills trust and it makes you doubt the affection of the liar. Be it in friendship or love, somebody who lies to you doesn't show you respect. You need to understand that you're really hurting others and damaging your relationships. He accused you of breaking a promise and being a liar. He was right. You told him that he had to help you. As if he actually was guilty of making you a liar. Support is nothing you can demand, but ask for it. It was never your friend's job to tell you what to do and to offer help with something that's not really a problem, but a choice. How could he have helped you? What do you expect from others? This is important, because you will see your own boundaries when you know how others could help you.
Author WhiteKnight Posted June 5, 2008 Author Posted June 5, 2008 I suppose you are right, taking from that side of it I was wondering about the other close friend of mine who is close to me had influenced him to end the friendship with me or not. I am not sure myself, there will be a confrontation that I'm planning on my other friend who was there at the time when I made the promise, so I'm going to find this out from his stance as well. However yes, I do need help. Honest as I have been right now I do not know where to begin. Aside from 'stop lying', but the next step I am wondering which people are affected by me. However because that I do know which friends have spoken up and which have not have raised their concern, I would have to act truthful and honest to every single person that I meet. So yea, that's the first step.
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