I want to be together now, how do you gather the strength to wait?

[lonelyindistance]

I just want the intimacy and the immediacy so much, but certain I cannot have it for quite some time. how do ppl do this?

 

anyone's thoughts please?

 

i'm feeling desperate and want to break up all the time hoping that it may make life easier. but i love her so much. it makes me cry nearly everyday. she's all i want.

 

sometimes i wish that i would hate her or vice versa (she would hate me), just for a good reason to break up. b/c there's a part of me that thinks impatience isn't a good enough reason to give up something that works so well... so sometimes i wait and search for flaws. this is bad, right?

[TMichaels]

i'm in a LDR w/o an end date and i want to be strong but it's so hard. and sometimes, in my head, i say, if i have to wait another 2 years i can't say that i can. b/c there are just too many tears involved. i'm such a whimp, no?

 

...i've become obsessed w/ our relationship (of two years) in that i cannot think about anything else but being apart. and it drives me up the wall. i've become depressed. and i am socially isolated b/c i don't feel like taking the effort to make new friends. what should i do? i feel like if we break up my life will be miraculously improved. but i am almost sure it will not. any advice?

 

I just want the intimacy and the immediacy so much, but certain I cannot have it for quite some time. how do ppl do this?

 

anyone's thoughts please?

 

...i'm feeling desperate and want to break up all the time hoping that it may make life easier. but i love her so much. it makes me cry nearly everyday. she's all i want.

 

sometimes i wish that i would hate her or vice versa (she would hate me), just for a good reason to break up. b/c there's a part of me that thinks impatience isn't a good enough reason to give up something that works so well... so sometimes i wait and search for flaws. this is bad, right?

 

Hi lonelyindistance, and welcome to the forum. I noticed you posted several threads all on the same theme. To simplify things, I consolidated them; hope you don't mind...

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time being apart from your g/f. Since it's obvious you care for her so much, what is the reason the two of you are now apart?

 

I understand you feel lost, confused, hopeless and forlorn, but to feel otherwise you need to get a handle on the situation. Do the two of you talk about how you both feel? Are the two of you in regular contact? How is your g/f dealing with the distance? What does she say?

 

Being in a relationship always requires some degree of sacrifice and compromise, and LDRs more than most. You didn't mention how long the two of you have been separated. Did this just happen? How long will it be before the two of you are able to be together again?

 

Sorry for all the questions, lonelyindistance, but having a better idea of how you came to the place you now find yourself, helps others understand.

 

In the meantime, don't feel like you're the only one who has experienced the heartache of a LDR. As you probably already have noticed if you've read some of the other threads that have been posted, you're not alone. Talking about how you feel and hearing how others haved coped does help, so please hang around and share your experiences as you search for a way to deal with the pain of being apart from your other half.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[lonelyindistance]

hello TMichaels,

 

Thanks for your reply and encouragement. and thanks for consolidating my posts. I guess I was just feeling a little anxious. I was hoping that someone somewhere would read one of these or the other.

 

my girlfriend and I are apart because after I finished college I could not afford to stay in town so I had to move back in with family about six hundred miles away.

 

we lived together for a few months, and then were separated for a few months for summer vacation (with some small visits in between), than lived together for a whole school year, and now have been separated for a year (also with some small visits in between as we can afford because we have no money). as for the future, I don't know where we'll be because we may go to graduate school in different places.

 

We are pretty much in constant contact via Internet chat or telephone conversations. But it's just not the same for me because I feel that were living such different lives.and sometimes it is beginning to become hard to talk to her because by talking to her feel like I miss her more.

 

my girlfriend really tries to be optimistic about our future together.she says that we can make it through this. But I'm not so sure. Because it just hurts. There's little joy in this relationship for me one we are not together.

 

thanks for reading. I'd really appreciate any advice.

[Catherina]

Lack of money sure is awful, isn't it? If not for money (or lack of), then I assume most of us on this forum would not HAVE the problems we have with being away from our loved one!

 

I am really sorry you are feeling like this, but as TMichaels said, you are sure not alone! I was off and on with my love for anywhere between 5 and 9 years (depending upon how you look at the story) and FINALLY in August '08, he is moving here for a job.

 

It is SO VERY DIFFICULT when the person you love is far away and you are, as you said, living completely different lives. It sounds like you know what you want (to be with her), now you just have to pass the time before you can actually get there and you two can be together. Though I hated that he and I were always separate (he lives overseas), I simply FORCED myself to have my own life. There are many days/nights when you will want to just sit at home and cry, but rather than do that, I suggest you go out with your friends, start going to the gym, take up a new hobby - do whatever you have to do to keep your mind occupied and to live your life. I know it's hard, but the good thing is, you will have your own life, and each day you are given won't be 'wasted' being sad and thinking about her. OF COURSE it's normal and perfectly fine to have her on your mind most of the time, but I think you just have to force yourself to keep going with your life. I know it sounds hard, and trust me it feels nearly impossible, but you can do it. In fact, there were dozens of occasions where I just wanted to sit at home because I was depressed without him. But I forced myself to go out, and typically would have a surprisingly wonderful time! Many, many times I've found myself saying, "I'm sure glad I didn't stay home!" and I've even made several new friends along the way that I never would have met if I just stayed home...

 

Another nice thing is if you two can pursue the same activity separately. For example, my man is a runner. Well, I've always enjoyed jogging, but am much slower than he is. However, he wants to start running together when he moves here in August, so I am now using up the next two months to exercise like crazy so that I can increase my speed and we can go out running together. It might sound sort of lame, but it feels really nice that we both have the same goal, and even though we're apart, we are pursuing it 'together'. We like to talk about it a lot, and it's become sort of a challenge between us. (Of course, now I'm just totally nervous for when he is here and I will probably still be too slow to keep up with him!)

 

I, too, had NO MONEY when I graduated from college - it's hard to get started, but once you get more established in the work force, hopefully you will be able to have enough money where the two of you can come up with a plan to finally be together.

 

No matter what, it is going to hurt until the two of you are together. But it sounds like you both want the same thing, which is a wonderful start! That's wonderful, too, that you are able to visit each other as often as you do. And even though it's terrible now, think of how fortunate you are to have found such a wonderful woman that you love so much. You can do it.

[TMichaels]

Thanks for your reply and encouragement. and thanks for consolidating my posts. I guess I was just feeling a little anxious. I was hoping that someone somewhere would read one of these or the other.

 

Not a problem, lonelydistance. Sometimes it does take a while for someone to come along and answer a post, but don't worry, someone always seems to -- there's lots of kindred spirits, here.

 

my girlfriend and I are apart because after I finished college I could not afford to stay in town so I had to move back in with family about six hundred miles away.

 

we lived together for a few months, and then were separated for a few months for summer vacation (with some small visits in between), than lived together for a whole school year, and now have been separated for a year (also with some small visits in between as we can afford because we have no money). as for the future, I don't know where we'll be because we may go to graduate school in different places.

 

Any chance the two of you could find a school with a good grad program for both your majors? That certainly would help solve your separation problem...

 

But as far as the here and now goes, is there any reason why you couldn't get a summer job in the town that your girlfriend lives? Or, would it be possible for her to do the same where you live? Have you explored these options?

 

We are pretty much in constant contact via Internet chat or telephone conversations. But it's just not the same for me because I feel that were living such different lives.and sometimes it is beginning to become hard to talk to her because by talking to her feel like I miss her more.

 

I understand what you're saying, lonelyindistance, but don't put even more and counterproductive distance between the two of you by not not talking. Good communication is key to any relationship, but especially critical to LDRs.

 

In many ways, it's the thread that keeps you connected. Yes, sometimes it hurts as if you had your druthers, you'd be holding her in your arms instead of cradling the phone on your shoulder. But, as painful as it is to have to settle for IMs and phone calls, don't you agree losing her all together would hurt more?

 

my girlfriend really tries to be optimistic about our future together.she says that we can make it through this. But I'm not so sure. Because it just hurts. There's little joy in this relationship for me one we are not together.

 

Lonelyindistance, I agree with your g/f. YOU CAN make it through this if you make up your mind to do so. If this girl is the one for you, she is worth it, is she not? Good things in our lives don't come without some pain and sacrifice. Keep your eye on the prize.

 

If all you're doing is sitting by pining for your g/f, while that's an admirable testament to how much she means to you, it isn't helping your state of mind or your relationship in the long run. You say you've moved back in with family. When are you going to grad school? In the fall? What are you doing in the meantime? Are you working? Do you go out with friends? What are you doing to keep busy?

 

If you keep yourself occupied, not only will you feel better about yourself, you'll have more to talk about and share with your g/f. Concentrate on the good things, and try to minimize the bad. Having a mutually agreed upon game plan also helps, as it gives both of you something to look forward to and work toward, instead of feeling like you are just locked in limbo-land.

 

Sometimes in spite of all your best efforts, you can still feel overwhelmed. Don't feel embarrassed to come here to vent or get feedback. Sometimes bouncing ideas and feelings off others who understand your frustration and your situation helps and is a good alternative to always burdening your g/f with continual sadness and dismay.

 

Hope some of this will be helpful to you, lonelyindistance. Chin up! And, best of luck to you...

 

TMichaels

[lonelyindistance]

Thanks Catherina and TMichaels for your sincere responses.

 

I really do need to get myself out of the house and doing things. For nearly an entire year, I have been at home "pining" for my girlfriend. Since moving in with my relatives so many hundred miles away from my school I don't have any friends here. And I have very few opportunities to make them since I do not have a job. I sleep most of the day to get by. I'm so pathetic.

 

The both of you are certainly right this isn't healthy for me. And I know it's not healthy for me. It certainly is psychological torment. While she has many things going on in her life she's the only "thing" in mine. Actually I can't wait until grad school starts in the fall because I know I'll be much busier. I've never wanted school to start so much. Here I actually thought I would enjoy my year off from it.

 

TMichaels as to your question about losing her altogether hurting more than being separated with her in our relationship, I don't really know. I know it would hurt immediately after and in the months and possibly year or two following our breakup but I may spend years waiting in loneliness.

 

Thank you both for your votes of confidence. I know I need to dig myself out of this depressive rut. And I need to occupy myself with things other than television. Who knew it would be so difficult finding a job with a college degree? I looked for a couple months. Anyway, I hope they'll find something to do.

 

Here's a question for anyone willing to reply to it, does anyone ever think about throwing in the towel? calling it quits after putting in so much? Despite how compatible you may be, do you think there might be someone else just as compatible?

[lonelyindistance]

should I put that last question in another thread? Not sure how forums work...

[TMichaels]

should I put that last question in another thread? Not sure how forums work...

 

 

 

No, lonelyindistance, you don't need to put your question in another thread. In fact, if you did, no one would have the benefit of the context in which it was asked.

 

Here's a question for anyone willing to reply to it, does anyone ever think about throwing in the towel? calling it quits after putting in so much? Despite how compatible you may be, do you think there might be someone else just as compatible?

 

Yep, yep and yep! Happens all the time, lonelyindistance. Just read some of the other stories on this site.

 

As you will see and hear (and probably already know!) LDRs aren't for everyone. They're tough to deal with and everyone has their own "tolerance level." Some people manage to sustain and survive them for years. Others don't stay the course even for a few weeks or months.

 

I'm curious about your experiences with relationships... How many and how long were any you had before your current one?

 

As far as the other comments in your last post, glad to hear that you recognize isolating yourself from "reality" isn't a good thing for you. It really sounds like you are having a bad time of it. When is the last time you had a medical check-up? Sometimes when people get so down about everything in their lives their physical and mental physical health both suffer. Is there any chance you can go see a medical professional just to make sure everything's a-okay?

 

One of the best ways to get your mind off your troubles and to feel good about yourself is to do something for others. What is your major? Are there any charities in the town you live that you could volunteer for that would be related to your field of study? You'd get some good hands-on experience that you could add to your resume and a good feeling in your heart, as well.

 

If volunteering for an organization related to your major isn't possible, do you have any interests, hobbies or causes that you feel do important work?

 

"Every day, do something that makes your heart dance. And if your heart is so depressed that you can't dance, then do something that will make other people's hearts dance... If you kept doing that for three months, you'll see an incredible change in your life."

 

That advice is from Yoko Ono, John Lennon's widow -- a woman who certainly has had her share of heartbreak and disappointment to deal with and has found a way to make lemonade when life gave her a handful of lemons.

 

You can, too, lonelyindistance. Though things seem bleak at the moment, there are always people in the world who will be less fortunate than you. Muster the energy and motivation to go out and see what good you can bring to the world this summer before you return back to school.

 

I guarantee you will feel better about yourself and you'll have a different perspective. Take care, and let us know how you get on...

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Catherina]

Here's a question for anyone willing to reply to it, does anyone ever think about throwing in the towel? calling it quits after putting in so much? Despite how compatible you may be, do you think there might be someone else just as compatible?

 

I answer YES to all three of your questions, too.

 

I thought about throwing in the towel ALL THE TIME. Long distance is SO DIFFICULT and I really think most people simply cannot handle it. It takes a special person (well, two people really - since they're a couple) to be able to survive the loneliness and being away from one another all the time. I have felt anger, sadness, frustration, stress, so many different emotions! I seriously think long distance makes a person a total psycho!

 

I did think about calling it quits, even after years of getting to know my man. In fact, I DID call it quits a year ago because I realized I needed to move on with my life. If we were never going to be together, there was no point in just hoping in the back of my mind that maybe SOMEDAY we would be together, right? After I gave up, though, he decided he didn't want to let go, and that is when he found a job in the USA.

 

Finally, yes, I did always initially think there could be someone more compatible. In fact, I HOPED there was someone more compatible who lived in MY CITY! That certainly would have been easier, right?? However, after five years of dating others, neither of us found anybody who could even came CLOSE to the connection that we have together. That is one HUGE benefit of the distance - it offered us both the opportunity to date others and to determine that we REALLY wanted to be together. This is NOT for everyone - I don't think most people can handle thinking about their significant other dating other people. Trust me - it sucks that we both dated others in between our on and off periods, but I am glad we have that assurance about our relationship. We both KNOW that we really aren't missing out on anyone else, because we have tried those routes and were left still wanting to be together.

 

Actually, it's funny that you mention the possibility of separating from your girl. My boyfriend did break off our relationship three years ago because he simply could not handle the distance and it just seemed impossible for us to find a way to be together. I mean, he was in Germany, I was in the USA. He could not handle the pressure. That is when we started dating other people...he says now he wishes he had not done that, now that we KNOW that with some hard work, we were able to get him a job here.

 

Every situation is so different, but just know that we both thought it would be IMPOSSIBLE for us to be together - being from different countries makes it WAAAAAAAY more difficult to be together - but years later, we made it work!!! I hope that you can find some encouragement with that...I still cannot believe that he got a job and is moving here. It just blows my mind and it really is a dream come true.

 

Trying to find a job, even with a college degree, is such a difficult task. I am sure that once you at least start working, your mind will be occupied with things other than your girl. But trust me - it will still be really difficult! I think it's great you're going to grad school. It is difficult when your significant other is traveling the world while you feel like you're sitting at home doing NOTHING. I hate that. Soon you will be occupied with other things, and before you know it, the time will have flown by and you will be able to come up with a plan to be together.

[lonelyindistance]

hello TMichaels and Catherina,

 

Thank you both again.

 

TMichaels, to answer your question I had several relationships before this one. In high school I was with someone for three years. In college, I was with three "long-term" people (other than my current girlfriend). Those relationships spanned a couple months to a little over half a year. But I've never had feelings for anyone but when you have them for my current girlfriend... Thanks for the health reminder. I went for a checkup within the past year. And everything was okay. And as far as my mental health goes, mine isn't in great shape. But I've had my fair share of health professionals and I don't want to seek their services at the moment.

 

Catherina, I certainly agree with you that long-distance can make a person totally "psycho"! But I'm really happy and encouraged to hear that it's working out for you and your guy after all these years. And that you, like others on this site, share somewhat similar experiences. The Internet is great, isn't it? Where else can I find a community of people who have LDR experiences. Sort of similar to your situation I has suggested that maybe we could take time off or see other people, but my gf really doesn't like those ideas. I figured if we do one of those two things and maybe I could get distracted enough so that I can think about something else or someone else and also really figure out if she's the one I want to marry. That type of commitment frightens me but it doesn't scare her at all. She either really thinks it's going to be all right or choose a better actor than I am. Sometimes I feel like were too young to make decisions like marriage. Or in our case marriage in the sometime future. how will I know that she's the one if she won't let me see it other people to make sure? Or is there really never a sure thing in love?

 

 

Guess we'll just have to see what I can do with these lemons... I will try to turn it around. It's tough right?

 

Lonelyindistance

[Catherina]

I am just curious, how old are you? How old is your g/f?

 

For me, I am 31 and met my boyfriend when I was 22, if that gives you any idea how long this has been going on before we finally decided to truly be together! Crazy, isn't it? No wonder I am psycho!

 

And you are right - it IS TOUGH!!! Ugh. I seriously think it takes a special type of person to survive this stuff!!! It is great to have these message boards, I love to read people's stories of struggle and success - it is incredible how many similar experiences I see.

 

Have you two talked about going to the same grad school? That would certainly help things, right? I mean, I have no idea of your situation or what sorts of education the both of you are seeking, but surely there is some school somewhere that would accommodate the both of you?

 

I really don't know about being 'sure in love'. To be perfectly honest, I am TERRIFIED about my man moving here. I am so excited because I love him so much and I know we are meant to be, but at the same time, I'm thinking, "Wow - this is IT!" No more wishful thinking, no more longing feelings, it's like we have made it happen - now what? I don't know if that makes sense...but since I did date others and he dated others, it definitely gives me a feeling of reassurance. But with you, since you've already been together before in the same cities, maybe you have a better 'sure' feeling than I could have. Like I said, even though I hated it, now that I look back, I am really glad that we tried other relationships. I would not change that, even though it sucks to think about it. Plus, unlike you, I've never really had a serious relationship. I was always waiting for 'the next best thing'. But as soon as I met my boyfriend, I just KNEW I wanted to be with him. It's so cool when I look back on it...

 

But if you're both willing to put in the effort, you can make it work. You will really appreciate each other more, too, if you know you put forth so much effort to really be together. Besides, that will make your story so much more interesting when you tell it to your grandkids!

[lonelyindistance]

I am 25 and my gf is 23. we're going to try to go to the same grad school or ones nearby each other but we never know if that will work out b/c we both want to go to competitive schools. and it's hard to get into the same ones but we'll see... as you can see, we're relatively young so i don't know about this marriage thing. but she wants it someday. probably after grad school and settling down w careers. but my friends are always talking about how we ought to be dating many people, seeing what we like and such. i don't know. i've waited for a year for her already.

 

 

 

 

Catherina, congrats on getting your guy to move closer to you after so long. it must be very exciting.

 

here's to surviving LDRs!

[Karyyk]

To me, it was always about convincing myself that she was the one I wanted to be with, and that she was worth the wait, worth the sacrifice, that she was the one I was meant to be with. Ultimately, it didn't work out (after 6 years, she wasn't really interested in moving on thanks to some issues in my life, and I burned out), but that's what I did. There were lots of times when the distance would just upset me, when I'd lose hope, but somehow I'd remind myself about how wonderful she was and that I just needed to be patient.

 

Unfortunately, at some point I guess we started seeing each other differently, and that's when I started seeing that maybe she wasn't as right for me as I had assumed. When that happens, it's basically over, no matter how much longer you hold on (which in my case was a long, long time).

[lonelyindistance]

Hi Karyyk,

 

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear that it didn't work out w/ your and your ex. but i guess it was for the best.

 

To clarify, what did you mean that it was about convincing yourself? As in you didn't believe she was the one but some thing inside told you that you had to stick it out?

 

for me, i always have to remind myself too of how sweet it is to be with her b/c sometimes i forget since we're hardly together. i usually remember it's nice but i forget how nice.

 

Also, since you waited so long and it didn't work out, do you regret waiting?

[Karyyk]

I guess I should rephrase that. It wasn't so much about convincing myself than it was about remembering and reminding myself. Towards then end, yeah, it did actually take some convincing, because by that point my hope was gone, I just didn't want to admit it. I realized at some point that she wasn't the one, but I wanted her to be. In a lot of ways, I guess I felt obligated too, I wanted to believe that she really did love me, and that I didn't want to let her down. Ultimately though, that just doesn't seems like the case. I probably should have ended things four years earlier than I did. I don't hate her though. I never will. I miss a lot of the things we shared, even just talking to her, but I know it was for the best.

 

As for whether or not I regret waiting, after that much time, it would be hard for me not to. It probably sounds kind of selfish in retrospect, but I regret not taking some chances I could have taken if not for the fact that I was in an LDR that didn't work out, one where I very rarely saw her, and even moreso because I let other people down in the process. Mine wasn't typical, even by LDR standards though...

 

Just out of curiosity, how far away from her are you, and how often do you get to see her? Also, why isn't there an end date? What's holding you/her back from setting one?

 

One last thing too, responding to a point you made in your original post, just breaking up with her will not make life instantaneously better. In fact, it might make it worse for a while. I say this from experience. Just ending something won't make life better, so don't put that idea into the thought process.

[lonelyindistance]

hi Karyyk,

 

my gf and i are a ten hour drive away, but she might as well be across the entire country...well almost. i get to see her every other month or once every three months. but we get to see each other for a week or two usually. it just costs too much to travel -- for us anyway.

 

there isn't an end date b/c of the uncertainty of grad school. i know which one i'm going to already. i am already enrolled. but she doesn't know if she can get in the same one or one nearby. also right now she is in school. so it might be a year or three years until we can set a date bc we just don't know. and it kills me.

 

from guessing, i also dont think that breakup would make my life instantaneously better. it can't. and it shouldn't bc we put so much of our love for each other out there. but i wonder for some solution to this pain, right.

 

so i asked her if maybe we should take a break. she didn't like that idea. Does anyone have experience with this? i know some of you have b/c i read about them on this site...but she thinks a break means breakup. and i tell her it doesn't. and it doesn't bc it means we will be reunited but she said that a break means we dont know anything about each other's lives for the time we're apart. i just want to be happy, or close to it. and the only way i can think of doing that is being distracted. if we took a break i would want permission to see other ppl. but i REALLY don't think that would fly with her. i just want to see who else is out there. i doubt there's anyone as great as she is that i could find during a break but no one knows.

 

is this bad?

[TMichaels]

from guessing, i also dont think that breakup would make my life instantaneously better. it can't. and it shouldn't bc we put so much of our love for each other out there. but i wonder for some solution to this pain, right.

 

so i asked her if maybe we should take a break. she didn't like that idea. Does anyone have experience with this? i know some of you have b/c i read about them on this site...but she thinks a break means breakup. and i tell her it doesn't. and it doesn't bc it means we will be reunited but she said that a break means we dont know anything about each other's lives for the time we're apart. i just want to be happy, or close to it. and the only way i can think of doing that is being distracted. if we took a break i would want permission to see other ppl. but i REALLY don't think that would fly with her. i just want to see who else is out there. i doubt there's anyone as great as she is that i could find during a break but no one knows.

 

is this bad?

 

No bad, necessarily, but certainly a tad selfish.

 

It sounds like to me that you are so desperate to have someone physically in your life, that you are willing to put your g/f through pain just to abate yours. Is that fair or just?

 

I don't blame your g/f for not wanting "a break" as you've defined it. How do you figure you're not breaking up with her when you get to date other people? Does having your cake and eating it, too sound familiar? Because that's what it sounds like to me.

 

there isn't an end date b/c of the uncertainty of grad school. i know which one i'm going to already. i am already enrolled. but she doesn't know if she can get in the same one or one nearby. also right now she is in school. so it might be a year or three years until we can set a date bc we just don't know. and it kills me.

 

Lonelyindistance, LDRS are difficult. But, you're also making it more difficult on yourself on obsessing about how much pain you're in, and doing nothing to make things better. Your g/f is coping with it by keeping busy. You're doing nothing to keep yourself busy except staying inside your head.

 

If you're really that convinced that having someone else physically in your life is the best thing for you, then do the kind and mature thing -- break it off totally with your g/f and go on your merry way. If you don't want to do that, then find some constructive solutions to your loneliness that will contribute positively to the long-term health of your relationship.

 

I don't understand this "we can't set a date because of school" nonsense. A date to do what? Be together? Be married?

 

There are thousands of couples in your shoes where both are going to school, yet manage to be together. If you don't feel you're ready for marriage (which, BTW, I don't think you are), then figure out whether you two have a shot at it. That means, do what it takes to be together, instead of whining about how miserable you are.

 

If that's too much trouble, then as I said before, I think you need to end it -- for both your sakes. Your g/f doesn't deserve to be treated that way, and you need to get a better handle on what you want and how hard you are willing to work to get it.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, lonelyindistance, but the only way out of the black hole you've surrounded yourself with is to take action and be accountable. Maybe you'll be happier, maybe you won't. But that's how we learn -- by experience, instead of feeling trapped and hopeless because feeling sorry for ourselves is the easiest way out.

 

If nothing else, I hope I've given you some food for thought.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Nevermind]

End it.

 

My ex chose to have an affair instead of working on it or break it off. He broke my heart and soul with it.

 

You cannot go back to an LDR after being with somebody else. You can't. Reconcile? No way. If you feel the urge to see other people, then you need to end it. If you do it with honesty and respect, you might be able to form a friendship out of it.

 

I don't even have that option.

[lonelyindistance]

hi TMichaels and Nevermind,

 

thanks for your replies.

 

TMichaels-- to clarify some matters, when I said to set a date, I said that we could not set to an "end date" for our long-distance relationship. And I don't think that's nonsense. Yeah, were certainly not getting married right now. Or anytime soon if we do. If we were to get married it wouldn't be at least five or six years down the road. I'm not convinced that having someone else physically in my life is the best thing for me. I am convinced that I'm not sure if my girlfriend is the one I want to marry. My proposed "break" would allow both of us to have our "cake and eat it too." Not just me. And I'm not even saying that there is going to be cake, whatever that means. From what I've read it seems that some other people have gone off and on in their relationships and still ended up with a whether they "started" with. You're absolutely right though I need to get a better handle on what I want and how hard I can, not how hard I am willing to, work to get it.

 

Going along with that line of thought, and into Nevermind's post, I'm pretty sure the break would not work in my relationship right now. I guess I have a lot to think about but thinking a lot is what got me into this mess in the first place. I feel like my urge wouldn't necessarily be defined as an urge to see other people or to have someone physically in my life, but an urge to escape and run away because I'm scared of all the feelings that a long-distance relationship brings.

[Nevermind]

I understand. You need to figure out what you want to do and how you want to spend your life. I just think that a break is the same as a break-up in LDRs.

So, be careful. However, if you value her as a person, you can be friends and have a good meaningful friendship. You do not have to lose her completely, but you can set both of you free.

[Karyyk]

The break idea is a bad idea. If you're going to do something else, you might as well break up now. All that's going to lead to is someone getting hurt. If you want to see someone else, break up, the whole break thing will end badly. If you want something, you stay in it, no matter how much it hurts.

 

To be blunt, if you don't see yourselves being together any sooner than 5 or 6 years down the road at the earliest, just end things now. This will continue to eat at the two of you until one of you can't take it any longer, and then unpleasant things will happen. Obviously, I'm biased after dealing with an LDR (12 hours away) that went bad, but normal relationships are hard enough. I believe an LDR can work for a time, but when you stretch it out that long, you're inviting failure. You have to have some kind of "entrance strategy," if for no other reason it invite hope back into the picture.

 

The longer these things last, and the longer you hope for nothing that never seems to come, the more resentment and bitterness is going to come into play. It might not seem like it now, but after that much time, it will, along with bitterness if things don't work out. Think long and hard about what you want out of life, and not only what's best for yourself, but what's best for her.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Here's a question for anyone willing to reply to it, does anyone ever think about throwing in the towel? calling it quits after putting in so much? Despite how compatible you may be, do you think there might be someone else just as compatible?

 

Sorry that I'm a little late with a response to this, but I actually just saw this question for the first time...

 

I've thought about washing my hands of my relationship many, many times. I've even gotten to the point where I'd deliberately pick fights with my other just so that I could be "free" of this nonsense, if you can believe that. And it's gotten very, very close to that point. The only thing that's stopped us is... yes, another curious little quirk that the two of us have. We've always told each other that we wouldn't leave one another unless we were the ones to say "go away". Does that make sense? I would literally have to tell him to go away in order for him to leave!

 

Now, that might seem silly, but because of both of our past issues, it works for us. We have a lot of funny ways of handling things, and a lot of what I call 'side diversions' - my other has a lot of difficulty with communication and socialization, there is actually a disorder for these things, if you can believe it!

 

As for your second question - for me in particular, there isn't. My other is the only person that's ever "gotten" me. I don't have to pretend with him, and I feel so free to be myself with him. Maybe it's because of our disorders (we both have mental illness!) that we connect on such an ethereal level, I don't know.

 

I know that my answers might not have helped, but the question itself kind of struck a chord in me, so I thank you for that if nothing else!

[lonelyindistance]

Hi Nevermind, Karyyk, and NeverLetMeDownAgain,

 

thank you all for your replies.

 

i have a lot to think about. but since, my girlfriend has been on vacation with family last week and this week, for some reason, it's been a little better for me in terms of dealing with the distance.

 

Nevermind, i hope that if we break up, my gf and i remain close. because she's the closest friend i have.

 

Karyyk, you're right, the longer i wait the worse it will be if it's bad. but i'll see...

 

and NeverLetMeDownAgain, it totally made sense to me when you wrote that you would deliberately pick fights. i think i have done that in the past, though not deliberately. i think i would just get really irritated much more easily and then suggest that we take a break or that she break up with me. because i don't know if i have it in me to break up with her. i'm not that THAT point yet. and in some ways that's good and bad. and, no, that agreement between you and your SO does not seem silly. i think it's good b/c it forces you to be accountable for your wishes. oh, and as for do you think there may be someone else out there for you, you said not in your case because your boyfriend is the only person who has gotten you ...but that's thus far, no speculation about other ppl out there? i mean it's great that you don't! i'm struggling with this issue because i'm not sure what i think.