LostHusband Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Its been a looooong time since I have posted here. I started a thread almost 8 months ago, back when my wife had told me the whole "I love you, but not in love with you" deal. She was going to leave but the timing wasn't right so she couldn't leave at that time. There was another man that she had feelings for but it never went anywhere, she basically really liked the guy but he wasn't interested in her. They had just talked and hung out with other friends around. Anyway - that part is all done I've seen texts from him on her phone that basically tell her not to bother him. It's all there in my thread which I don't want to relive because I don't feel like the same person that posted all that stuff 7-8 months ago. I got a LOT of people telling me to get her moved out NOW and not tolerate her being there with me, but I am very glad that I did not. The last 6 months (after the first one or two being the worst) have really been good and me and my wife have got along great and found ourselves getting much closer with each other. I am sooo glad I did not take all the negative advice and just "throw her a$$ out!" because I'm glad for that time we had. But of course she didn't change her mind - and she has finally found a place to live, a small house that she will be renting not far from where I work. So that will work out good with dropping the kids off there before I go to work and picking them up after. We haven't fought about her leaving, I haven't begged or cried in front of her in months. I'm letting her go and feel good about it. I'm still sad though - I never wanted this to happen, but I am also looking forward to what lies ahead for me. I'm not sure I am looking for advice but I welcome any comments and feedback for what is in store for me. Take care everyone and I wish you all the best I see a lot of people with similar problems and it is very sad and I hope things get better for all!
Green Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 well I'm not married nor have I ever been, but I read your threads and see you're in pain. My advice would be don't dwell in the pain but focus your mind on posotive things.
allthingsarepossible Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Thank you for posting this. I am where you were 9 months ago. I came here and found a lot of good advice and like you said a lot of negative as well. I’m sad that your marriage ended but happy that you can now start fresh. I hope that someday I can feel that way too.
Author LostHusband Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 That's it - its over, at least the moving out part is. She has all her stuff moved and she will be sleeping over at her own place from now on. It's going to be a long night! But my house is starting to look nice again, I have cleaned up our old bedroom and her dressing room, which I have made into my own personal dressing room - with no laundry all over the floor! God that place was a mess, now I could have a picnic in there if I wanted. So now I'm just wondering what will happen next, I have to get up tomorrow, with her not there, and take the kids over to HER place on my way to work, then I get the kids this weekend. I hope she's freakin lonely!! This still sucks, but I'm sooo much better than I was months ago.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Congradulations go and get some new coochie!!! Trust me. she'll come back, once she sees that the grass is not greener, but by then you wont care.
Gunny376 Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Well first you've got to go to ChinaMart to replace all the crap that she took with her! The really good news is that now its cheaper than it was the first time that you bought it, because its made in China! I would suggest you incorporate some daily exercise into your routine, if its nothing more than going for a long walk each morning. You need to give some thought to your daily routine, ~ you need to re-difine it. Change it up a bit, move things around (such as the dressing room ~ which was a good start) You've got to get out of the routine that you were in when you were married. The bedroom is for two things and two things only, sleeping and ________. If you've got a tv in there get it out. If you don't have them alreay you want to get some heavy curtains and drapes. Or at least get the room to where if you close the door, you can't see your hand in front of your face. You might also want to get one of those sound machines that make sounds like the ocean, a tumbling brook, or rainfall. Now would be a good time to invest in some good pillows, and lots of them to include a "body pillow", and fans. You want it nice and cool in there. A ceiling fan would be a good idea. Now is the time to invest in some good bedding, both sheets, comforters, and perhaps a down mattress cover, good and thick. When you do go to bed, you want to feel like you did when you were a child, all comfey. If your intially are having trouble sleeping ~ you're simply aren't getting enough physical exercition. Now would be a good time to join the gym and get in shape physically. But you need to do it when you come out of your sleep cycle not going into it. (That is go befoe you go to work , not after) Anaerobic (lifting weights deplets oxygen and will make you sleep better and tired. Aerobic exercise (jumping, running, walking) will pump oxygen into your system and make you more awake. Avod caffiene like the plague. Sodas, coffee, caffinated tea etc. Avoid alcohol and tobacoa. If you smoke, now if the time to quit. If you dip, chew, etc ~ now is the time to quit. Now is the time for you to do some reading and to get into shape mentally, emotionally, physcially, pyschologically, and financially. Now is the time for you to bone-up on any number of subjects. Now is most definately the time for you to get your financial house in order ~ get your debt paid down, improve your FICO (credit score) and to improve your cash flow. I'm glad you and you the STBXW have worked out things to the point to where you have a decent parenting plain. Be wary of her wanting to come back. Its going to get tough out there for her, and she may have some weak moments. Make damn sure if and when those occur you don't jump back into it too quickly!
Author LostHusband Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 Thanks Gunny and Chrome - that's exactly the kind of stuff I need to hear. Great idea on the new sheets/pillows/comforters. I still have all of her old/torn comforters in the bed that she didn't bother to take with her - I think its time to toss them out! It's a really nice feeling to walk into a room and actually have it be clean and tidy for a change! (She was a SLOB!!)
MotoMan Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Boy, Gunny was dead-on! Having gone through a messy D, the advice I got from friends & colleagues, was: don't be in a hurry to be in another relationship, go do stuff you've always wanted to do. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and financially. Since you have kids together, you're going to see her periodically. You can bet, she'll miss the "good times" she shared with you (although if you got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech, you should be wondering if she was just going through the motions in your relationship). It sounds like you're starting to create a home that works well with your personality, well done! She may miss the order you brought to the relationship and the household. Be wary if she wants to get back together. If that's what you want, insist on some MC so you both can build a good foundation. Marriagebuilders has a good website, (I think some of it is kind of hard-core, but there's a lot of good stuff if you want to rebuild your M). Good luck to you, and keep moving forward, remember, doubt kills the warrior!
Author LostHusband Posted June 13, 2008 Author Posted June 13, 2008 You can bet, she'll miss the "good times" she shared with you (although if you got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech, you should be wondering if she was just going through the motions in your relationship). Now you got me wondering - what does "going through the motions in your relationship" mean? And why do I just keep hoping that she will miss me and the "good times" we shared? I think I want her to feel guilt, but I'm not so sure that means I would go right back to her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Now you got me wondering - what does "going through the motions in your relationship" mean? And why do I just keep hoping that she will miss me and the "good times" we shared? I think I want her to feel guilt, but I'm not so sure that means I would go right back to her. Forget what she feels for the time being it's all about you now!!!
Gunny376 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Going through the motions, means going through life without any passion, ~ passion about yourself, your wife, your marriage, your Life, your exsistence. Same old cup of coffee in the morning, sex the third Sunday of each month in the same position, watching the same shows on tv, going to sleep at he exact same time each night, having meatloaf, macaroni and cheese every single freaking Thrusday of every freaking week, of every single freanking month of every single freaking years for the next forty freeaking years. Its being in a maritial commoa ~ its "Lights are on, but nobody's Home" `~ its HELL!
chuckgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I am excited for you. It will be hard at first, but you will get through it. Take some of the above advice. Take good care of yourself. It sounds like your wife was depressed. She needs to find herself. She may realize that you were indeed the best thing for her, after she has some alone time to realize that. And perhaps at that point, it may be too late, but that is her fault. I know the saying, I love you but not in love. It makes it hard to work on anything. It is a very depressing life when the two that it takes to make things work, that one doesn't have their heart in it. When you are free from a depressed person, sure it hurts, but you can be more yourself. Find that person you can share a life with, that makes you feel special. In my case, I am just excited that I will not be having to constantly walk on egg shells in my own house. I know it will be a difficult road ahead, my husband hasn't moved out yet, but I am so looking forward to some peace and being me again. It will, quite honestly, be a tough road ahead, since I have kids, but I know in the long run I can not continue my miserable existance for them. Would love to say that I could, I tried, but I finally realized that acting was never going to change into the real thing.
Author LostHusband Posted June 18, 2008 Author Posted June 18, 2008 Well I was going to wait at least a week before posting again to give an update, but here goes anyway. Been 6 days since she officially moved out - started sleeping at her own place last Thursday. I was pretty good at first, had a great weekend, Saturday night we all went out to eat with the kids then I left the kids over there and spent the evening by myself. First I redid my bathroom, put in a new shower curtain, bath mat and new toilet seat. Also cleaned up the shower and tub so it was nice and white instead of covered with scum. I got a new pillowtop and comforter/pillows for my bed and I fixed that up the way I wanted it. Then I just chilled the rest of the night and did what I wanted. It was fun being independent - I jammed some tunes, played on the computer, and rocked out with Guitar Hero - woooo! Fun and stress free night. Did good the next day too, was father's day and went over to her place and got the pool out for the kids and played with them. She took the kids to her mom's to see her own dad on father's day and her brother for his birthday, but I had them back home with me that night. Things are starting to get a little bad though. Each day I get up, alone in my bed, get the kids ready and take them to her house. It feels so weird to have to do this now. When I see her it just hurts all over again - I just want to hold her and kiss her. I miss my wife so much sometimes. When she would go to work at 4pm we would always give a kiss goodbye to each other, this even went on before she moved out. But now its all stopped - and I can hardly stand it! She comes up and kisses and hugs the kids then just walks off and waves goodbye to me. I go home with tears in my eyes everytime. I was hoping she would start to miss me a little by now, but instead its like she just completely detached emotionally from me when she mioved out - even though she had been planning this for several months and she showed me plenty of emotionally and physical intimacy that whole time. Well that part was nice and I'm still glad for it, but it is really making things hard for me to deal with now! I want to tell her I miss her - I want to know if she misses me at all, but I don't think I should say anything. Today she called on the way to work because she forgot to ask me something about the kids, I was still upset after seeing her and I guess she could tell. She asked me what's wrong and I just shrugged it off and said nothing was wrong. Ugh I thought this was suppose to get easier, why do I just miss her more and more each day??
chuckgirl Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 This is too soon and way too much to deal with, esp. seeing her all the time for your pain to have faded. She may be feeling better right now. If it is ever going to happen, where she misses you, it takes time. It is all new to her, too. Give it some more time. She didn't leave you to continue being intimate, so don't expect more than a wave good-bye. You are no longer her mate. In time she may realize she misses you, or perhaps she may becoming someone she wants to be, not the depressed person she sounded. Don't wait for it to happen. Continue to try to enjoy yourself. It is when you seem more confident and not showing emotion maybe when she will look at you different, than she is currently. It sucks hurting, wanting someone whom you love and they don't return your feelings. Hugs to you.
TrustInYourself Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 You're human, it hurts. Immerse in it. Embrace your pain and hurt. Bathe in misery. Do all of this when you are alone. Afterwards, reflect. Use the pain to grow and understand yourself. Scream and move forward. Talk to friends, family, people who care, but not your wife. Detach and become the strong, independent man you were before her. Show her that you are better for the experience. Rise like a phoenix. Pain is momentary. You will get better.
Author LostHusband Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Ok its been two weeks now since my wife officially moved out. It's been a bumpy ride so far. I seem to go back and forth between just completely missing her, to being hopeful and happy on my own. Tonight I went to pick up the kids and was taking them out for pizza and asked her if she wanted to come. She did, and it was nice just hanging out as a family without all the stress of her moving involved. Afterwards I took her back to her place and dropped her off and now I'm home with the kids. I'm ok but I have this strong desire to send her a text or something. I just want to txt her "Wish you were here" or "What you doing?" and just make it something light and simple like that, but my gut tells me thats a bad idea! Well I think I got past that point - but I need someone to tell me why that would be a bad idea so it will help me stop myself next time I get the urge.
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Not only is it a bad idea, its a really bad idea. She'll throw her defenses up quicker than you can say don't do it. You will come off as needy, clingy, lacking self confidence, the nice guy who is in denial that it over and un-willing to accept that it is.
Author LostHusband Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Whew - I think the coast is clear for the night, got past that urge, and with your words I hope it won't come back! My son had a sore foot tonight (growing pains) and I spent time with him and pretty much forgot about her, its great being a single dad - in fact the shirt I am wearing right now says "Coolest Dad" (never mind that my ex bought it for me). I emailed one of my old buddies I've had since high school, he and another mutual friend use to come up and stay at my place and hang out once a year, but that hasn't happened since I got married - guess I had too much going on what with a wife and kids and all. I'm trying to get him to come up again and hang and have fun now that I have my own place to myself every other weekend! Good times!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 You know what sucks, the fact is as a man who wants to get married such as yourself, you asked her to marry you with the intentions to be married For LIFE! and she made you a single father not by your own choice. Does she know how many men just run through chicks and make babys all over the place and dont give a damn about families? dont give a damn about their kids. And when people ask she's a struggling single mom you can say, it was her choice. Not yours, that's what sucks. You wanted to have a family and she didnt. I dont want to get married if that's the case. If this is what it ends with I might as well make my money and be by myself.
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Whew - I think the coast is clear for the night, got past that urge, and with your words I hope it won't come back! My son had a sore foot tonight (growing pains) and I spent time with him and pretty much forgot about her, its great being a single dad - in fact the shirt I am wearing right now says "Coolest Dad" (never mind that my ex bought it for me). I emailed one of my old buddies I've had since high school, he and another mutual friend use to come up and stay at my place and hang out once a year, but that hasn't happened since I got married - guess I had too much going on what with a wife and kids and all. I'm trying to get him to come up again and hang and have fun now that I have my own place to myself every other weekend! Good times! This is what you need to be doing. Get busy with your life, your children, and with handling your busines. Forget about her, and her life and what's going on with it. I would even recommend dating again ~ at least light dating. But, lets take a momemnt as to what dating really is? Its not about finding a one-night stand ~ although it can be. Its not about finding a new LTR grilfriend ~ although it can be that as well. Its not about finding a new wife or life-mate. Its about meeting new people and determing if the other person is someone that you want to invite into your life, and if you want to spend more time with as acquaintences, friends, or even if there is chemistry ~ lovers. Get busy with living your life and quit worrying about trying to get your wife back. FORGET HER! Life is too damn short to worry about spending it with someone who doesn't want to spend it with you!
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