Bobby.Roy Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 This was my first long term relationship (first relationship to be frank!)..And she broke up with me after 9 years; cheated on me and left me for this other guy. And she has changed hell of a lot since then..Everything is changed, from her dressing sense to the way she behaves and almost everything else..Its kind of shocking to me! Its like her whole character has changed! I just wonder do people change with every relationship? It was her first relationship as well (with me)..She was a simple, innocent, lovely girl..But now, it's as if she has taken a U-turn! I just can't seem to understand..Was this character inherent in her which i failed to notice during the 9 years we were together or is it the effect of the new boy-friend or perhaps something else.. I am not blabbering or missing her or anything (frankly, i do miss her but that's a different story..), it's just a thought which passes through my mind sometimes..What do you guys feel about this? -Bobby.
kizik Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 This is a great question. I don't know if people change with EACH relationship, but a lot of people DO change, and we are unfortunate to be on the receiving end of the change. Isn't it awful, to not recognize the one we loved so deeply? It makes no sense, and it hurts, and all you can do is say "Hey, f*ck it. You want someone else? Go ahead. I'm gonna find someone, eventually, who respects me as I am."
Ssheena Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Bobby. It's just the beginning of June. You broke up in March. Give it some time. Go back and re-read all your own posts and the good advice you got on there. Maybe this time you can see it a bit clearer. What she does now has nothing to do with you. It doesn't concern you. You are wasting time thinking about it and giving it any consideration. She is no longer a part of your life. Erase her. Remember that you had a good relationship and that you are capable of giving and receiving love but take her out of it. I am hoping you are taking your head out of the sand on this finally.
kizik Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 It's just the beginning of June. You broke up in March. Give it some time. Jesus Christ, you're telling me I'm not gonna be over this in 3 months? How much time do I need?!
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Jesus Christ, you're telling me I'm not gonna be over this in 3 months? How much time do I need?!I'm so feeling that same way right now kizik.
ButtHead Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Cheese and rice and right! It's been a good 6 months for me and today was the worst just as many other days before this was the worst. I get over it for awhile and it comes back less frequent, but sometimes it's just really bad. I love her so much and knowing that I could've changed things sooner is what kills me the most. I swear it's never going away. Good luck!
quankanne Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I wonder if you're seeing her without the rose-colored glasses now, and it's freaky to you because you're seeing that other side of her. She's who she's always been, just developing new/other interests that you didn't expect her to develop. as for how long ... well, every case is different, but when you've got it in your head that Person X was your idea for whatever reasons, it can take a very, very long time to get over him/her. I harbored certain feelings for The Love of My Life, who I'd met in college, long after I got married. One day, however, I realized that I was in love with an ideal I had of him, and it was stupid, because the person I was meant to be with was with me all the while. And marriage has only gotten better because I got my head out of my ... um, since I took the rose-colored glasses off.
kizik Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I wonder if you're seeing her without the rose-colored glasses now...when you've got it in your head that Person X was your idea for whatever reasons, it can take a very, very long time to get over him/her. I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'm going to respond. It hasn't taken long for me to see what a negative, whiny, insecure, controlling bitch my ex is/was. There are moments of each day where I remember us cuddling, going on a fun trip, smiling, or f*cking... and THAT's when I get very sad and depressed. Then I think of her evil stare, and the cruel way she'd talk to me and put me down. And I just get angry. So my question is, it seems you're saying that SINCE my "rose-colored glasses" are off, I will be able to heal quicker? I f*cking hope so.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Boy. Maybe the ex will have a great relationship with his old new girl. I know he's making her breakfast and taking care of her, like I used to do with him. Now, isn't it nice to know that you're part of that new happiness? It was my first relationship, so it did change me. I was insecure, completely trusting, loving without boundaries and trying to adapt. I am now insecure, not able to trust and will never love like this again.
justaman99 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 This was my first long term relationship (first relationship to be frank!)..And she broke up with me after 9 years; cheated on me and left me for this other guy. And she has changed hell of a lot since then..Everything is changed, from her dressing sense to the way she behaves and almost everything else..Its kind of shocking to me! Its like her whole character has changed! I just wonder do people change with every relationship? Absolutely. My last relationship taught me a lot. It changed me without a doubt for the best. That is why I am grateful for having been in it and grateful for having her in my life. She taught me in the relationship as well as after our break up to dress better. After the break up I redid my entire wardrobe and it's the best thing I could have done for myself. I know who I am more so than before, I am in better health and shape not only physically but mentally and even emotionally as well. So the short answer is yes!
kizik Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I am now insecure, not able to trust and will never love like this again. It is a mistake to harden your heart, to become bitter. If you say you'll never love like 'this' again, you won't. Negativity and anger are clothes you wear as you walk through the day; and they make you unattractive. People don't want to be with people like that. Make yourself available to the world. Avoid the use of words like 'never'. Don't think of yourself as insecure. Being hurt is OK. It's easy to fall into the trap of not loving oneself. What do you love about yourself? Ask yourself this, NM.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 People change with every experience if they are wise. If she is growing you should be happy for her. She is becoming who she wants to be. It shouldn't upset you.
Author Bobby.Roy Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 People change with every experience if they are wise. If she is growing you should be happy for her. She is becoming who she wants to be. It shouldn't upset you. No, no i am not upset at all regarding this; its good for her that she is changing and living her life the way she wants it to.. Its just that I, sometimes feel was the time we spent with each other "real"? I mean, heck, i know people do fall out of love and that is what happened with her as well..Its just that this break-up has taught me a lot and i have learned quite a lot from such an experience - about love, about life, and most importantly about relationship.. But yes, i guess every relationship is different; she was someone else when we were together and she is a totally different person now that she is with this other guy..Wonder, how can someone move on so fast but then, as many of us already know that people do not just fall out of love in a moment; probably it has been going around in her mind for days (if not months).. Huh..*sigh*..This is all i can do as of now..Until the time, we all find our life-mates.. :) But i am positive about my life, about my perspective of love and life than i was back in the month of March when this all happened..And i am glad that i am beginning to take life a little more easy now although it does hurt sometimes, but that's pretty normal i believe.. Ii do not get emotional thinking about her anymore (well almost :p), instead i feel if she is happy, she is satisfied with him at present, then be it..After all, each one of us has the right to be happy.. God bless.
borelandkaren Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 This was my first long term relationship (first relationship to be frank!)..And she broke up with me after 9 years; cheated on me and left me for this other guy. And she has changed hell of a lot since then..Everything is changed, from her dressing sense to the way she behaves and almost everything else..Its kind of shocking to me! Its like her whole character has changed! I just wonder do people change with every relationship? It was her first relationship as well (with me)..She was a simple, innocent, lovely girl..But now, it's as if she has taken a U-turn! I just can't seem to understand..Was this character inherent in her which i failed to notice during the 9 years we were together or is it the effect of the new boy-friend or perhaps something else.. I am not blabbering or missing her or anything (frankly, i do miss her but that's a different story..), it's just a thought which passes through my mind sometimes..What do you guys feel about this? -Bobby. Absolutely we change with each relationship. You are meant to. My first relationship was at 17. My "last" ended this year at 42. Thank god I've changed. If I still had only the mental capacity of a 17 year old now, aaaaargh!!!!!:lmao: My choices in people that I choose to be around in general, not just intimate relationships is changing too. I choose not to be around toxic people, in love or in life. These are just some of the ways that I have changed. I love it. So many choices and plenty of time left to indulge in them......on my own. Choice!!!
roghornio Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'm going to respond. It hasn't taken long for me to see what a negative, whiny, insecure, controlling bitch my ex is/was. There are moments of each day where I remember us cuddling, going on a fun trip, smiling, or f*cking... and THAT's when I get very sad and depressed. Then I think of her evil stare, and the cruel way she'd talk to me and put me down. And I just get angry. So my question is, it seems you're saying that SINCE my "rose-colored glasses" are off, I will be able to heal quicker? I f*cking hope so. It can take a long time… I remember reading someone on here was still thinking about someone for TEN YEARS after a short term relationship!!! The things you mentioned you got sad at… you don’t want to forget them surely? You will look back one day and remember them happily .. or maybe you don’t want to? I was just thining the other day – I wonder if people are addicted to reading this stuff on LS? I mean.. surely reading this kind of stuff day after day will only serve to remind you of your own situation? Keep on thgouh… the longest I had these thoughts for was for 4 years after a 6 month relationship… and in that time I did date other people and even got into a year long relationship – which ultimately failed because of thinking about the one 4 years ago… it can be hard to let go!
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I was just thining the other day – I wonder if people are addicted to reading this stuff on LS? I mean.. surely reading this kind of stuff day after day will only serve to remind you of your own situation? I think that reading, writing and talking help people with coping. It is like group therapy on the internet. I'm sure there have been some people who are sort of addicted but obsessive people would be that way whether they are here or not. LS has distracted me from my own situation and helped me gain perspective more than once.
Karyyk Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Jesus Christ, you're telling me I'm not gonna be over this in 3 months? How much time do I need?! I'd be happy if it only took three months in my case. I have a feeling it's going to take far longer than that...
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Karyyk, hang in there. I felt so bad this morning, and now I am much better. Calmer. It might not last long, but it's still great. I hope you'll be better soon.
replicator Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 I lost track of how long its been. Feels like yesterday but I think it must be a month and a half or so. (A 10 year relationship) I stupidly joined a dating site, and some girl started to message me. I feel bad because I am in no condition to give or receive love to anyone, but I guess I wanted that self assurance. I wanted to know that someone was out there. Now that I know, I'm hurting even more. It just reminds me that I haven't let go. I want to let go, but then I don't. I don't want to accept the finality of it. I have this fantasy that she will call me someday, telling me that she made a big mistake, and that she still loves me. Crazy. I need to get over this, because I'm not young anymore. I spent all my twenties with her, and I never expected to end up single and nearly 30 years old.
borelandkaren Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I lost track of how long its been. Feels like yesterday but I think it must be a month and a half or so. (A 10 year relationship) I stupidly joined a dating site, and some girl started to message me. I feel bad because I am in no condition to give or receive love to anyone, but I guess I wanted that self assurance. I wanted to know that someone was out there. Now that I know, I'm hurting even more. It just reminds me that I haven't let go. I want to let go, but then I don't. I don't want to accept the finality of it. I have this fantasy that she will call me someday, telling me that she made a big mistake, and that she still loves me. Crazy. I need to get over this, because I'm not young anymore. I spent all my twenties with her, and I never expected to end up single and nearly 30 years old. DITTO!!!! DITTO!!!! I could have had a fling not long ago and it all just made me feel like ****. He txtd me so many times and in the end I turned my mobile off. I'm spending time with my family and friends, trying to fill the big gaping hole in my gut. U guys all know the one. The aching, hollow, void that dulls and then springs back to life just when u least expect it. Whenzitgunnagetbedda?????? Do it all in the time it feels right, Replicator. Don't push. Give yourself your own validation. When you have someone in your life for such a long time, do you really think you'll be able to walk away and be over it in 5 minutes? Give it time.
sedgwick Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 It can take a long time… I remember reading someone on here was still thinking about someone for TEN YEARS after a short term relationship!!! That was me! And when I finally saw him again, I had totally outgrown him. I dated other people in that time, and even married one, but I was still in love with him. The thing is, in all that time I didn't see him, I changed a lot, and he didn't change much at all. It was a good feeling when I realized the breakup wasn't about me. He's one of those people who has to be all jaded and he can't deal with exuberance. It's almost impossible to get him talking about something he loves, because he's so over everything. How boring! I'm so glad I'm not still with him! And my first relationship? Oh god. He was the cool guy with the rainbow Mohawk and the Clash patches on his jacket. Now he's an ambulance-chasing funeral home director, and last I heard he'd become a Baptist. I think it's safe to say I'm glad I'm not still with him either.
CaliGuy Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 People are constantly changing and evolving over the course of their lives. To not change much if at all, IMHO, is to not grow. But, just because you change doesn't mean you need to grow apart. Couples should be growing and evolving together. Well, in an ideal world that would happen but I can tell by the many broken hearts on LS, that's not been the case.
cookiecat Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I want to let go, but then I don't. I don't want to accept the finality of it. I have this fantasy that she will call me someday, telling me that she made a big mistake, and that she still loves me. Crazy. I need to get over this, because I'm not young anymore. I spent all my twenties with her, and I never expected to end up single and nearly 30 years old. Geez, took the feelings right out of my head. it's been almost exactly one year since my bf and i broke up. And I just turned 30, ha. we were together for four years... and i just can't get past it. as of a month ago, he started dating this girl he used to live with as a roommate years and years ago, and then proceeded to get into a hateful feud with over money. now they are dating? ugh. the details don't even seem to matter, the point is they are together and i still can't let go, although this actually helps me a lot. it makes me feel like i hate him, especially since he had been telling me how he 'can't date anyone until he grows up a lot', just a few weeks before he became 'in a relationship' with her. it feels like i'll never be able to really be with anyone again, the way i was with him. it's like being sentenced to hell. to get back on topic, i am terrified of him changing for the better for this girl. i know i should want him to, but it hurts SO much to imagine him giving her the things he could never give me... seems like he's the same old douche though for the time being.
kizik Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I stupidly joined a dating site, and some girl started to message me. I feel bad because I am in no condition to give or receive love to anyone, but I guess I wanted that self assurance. I wanted to know that someone was out there. Now that I know, I'm hurting even more. It just reminds me that I haven't let go. I want to let go, but then I don't. I don't want to accept the finality of it. I have this fantasy that she will call me someday, telling me that she made a big mistake, and that she still loves me. Crazy. Rep- I too joined a dating site, got few to no responses, and promptly unsubscribed. They all want $20 from you or something, and all they do is let you send Icebreakers and Winks and sh*t. Here's the typical free dating service conversation, based on a limited choice of Winks and Responses: Person 1: You're cute! Person 2: Thanks for the compliment. Do you have a photo? Person 1: You're cute! Anyway, the site just made me feel unattractive and needy. Unlike you, I didn't get attention. But I understand your ambivalence about not being able to give love when you are so utterly crushed. In regards to the second paragraph I've quoted here, I also have the fantasy where she calls, says she f*cked up, can I give her another chance. The reason I have this fantasy is partly because it's happened before, two days after we broke up about a year ago. Of course I took her back. Now that it's been one month broken up, and nearing three weeks NC, the chances of this happening are 0.001 %. But I can't escape the fantasy, and I can't help but want female companionship.
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