clara Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 These things are helping me, for what its worth: 1) A friend said, "if he makes you feel this way, the things he sees in you either exist without him, or they don't--they probably exist without him. Use this as a chance to realize those things you get from him are already there--he doesn't create them, he's just helped you recognize them." 2) Another friend said, "there is so much temptation, because of who we are, because of our culture, to let ourselves despair. Resist the temptation to be miserable if you can." 3) Reading John Updike. Couples. Marry Me. In Updike, the man NEVER decides--he waits for the world to decide for him. The portraits he paints seem pretty accurate in a lot of ways, and afer reading them, you want to get out of that. 4) Reading Graham greene. Same thing. 5) Lots and lots of activities with other men. I know, but just getting the attraction of ANY kind from other men helps--after a month I finally met one that I found attractive. Nothing will happen (its a different state) but the mere fact of finding one other person who I find appealing was itself like getting over an ocean. 6) Not being around at all. As I've posted here before, I'm away for a month, and its been really helpful. 7) playing LOTS of poker. I know this sounds dangerous, but its enough of a high that I think less about him, I get into the game. Knitting I would be thinkinga bout him constantly. But something with adrenaline seems to help alot. I have NOT been able to maintain no electronic contact. But instead, I'be been trying to be completely honest in every email, and trying to avoid writing anything that is intended to shape or persuade him. Its almost like a kind of diarhhea, and I know part of it is hoping it will make him run away--but its also allowing me to feel like I've said most of what I wanted to say, and also seen how inconstantly I htink, given what I write one day and the next. Something is breaking down, I can feel it. I am not thinking about him all the time. Curious about what helps other people besides the generic (and helpful) bea ctive, see friends, etc.
mistresswchildren Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 ANGER. I'm not nearly as angry as I was before, but it really got me through for a while there. It gave me a spark. I was angry enough about everything that this MM has helped do to my life. Do I understand my part in it all, absolutely, but he definitely helped make the situation worse. When I'm upset, I blast loud music and dance around the house with the kids. I try to be as silly as I can. I make them laugh, and as we all know, laughter is contagious (especially from a baby). Also, I have kept myself busy. Being busy always helps you think about other things. I have started working on my new yard. I have tried to make my house into a real home for my babies. Not everyone has the motivation of children that I do, but the focus is away from him, and that is the point. Take pride in yourself and your accomplishments. Change your point of view and tell the guy to take a hike. If he does, if he disappears without a fight, then really think about why you were involved in the first place.
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 A friend said, "if he makes you feel this way, the things he sees in you either exist without him, or they don't--they probably exist without him. Use this as a chance to realize those things you get from him are already there--he doesn't create them, he's just helped you recognize them." And if they don't... would you really want someone else to have the kind of power over you where they could change who you are, and how you are in the world? Isn't that something you'd rather do for yourself? Way to go, Clara - seems you're doing great! PS I hope it's strip poker...?
frannie Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Reading John Updike. Couples. Marry Me. In Updike, the man NEVER decides--he waits for the world to decide for him. The portraits he paints seem pretty accurate in a lot of ways, and afer reading them, you want to get out of that. Haha... how true that rings What am I doing for me: Being the complete opposite of this, being proactive in all sorts of things that ordinarily I wouldn't bother with or would talk myself out of. Patting myself on the back for ALL of them!
OWoman Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Haha... how true that rings What am I doing for me: Being the complete opposite of this, being proactive in all sorts of things that ordinarily I wouldn't bother with or would talk myself out of. Patting myself on the back for ALL of them! Way to go Frannie! That's something I've noticed about many OW stories here - the lack of agency, the waiting for someone else to take action (the MM to leave, the BW to kick him out, the kids to grow up and leave home, the dog to leave the manger...) and I can understand how quickly that leads to depression and despair. (To me, being an OW has always been about TAKING action, but that's another side to it I guess.) So taking back that agency and being the one who makes the calls, takes the decisions and generally seizes control must be really empowering after all that waiting waiting waiting.
Author clara Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 I think you're really right about agency, Owoman. I'm not someone who usually can wait at all, so the idea of waiting seemed impossible--what I was most worried about is that i would take all this agency and turn it the other way, into sleeping with him, getting myself pregnant, doing something that would end up making both of us unhappy in the long run. Faced with love and two bodies the most natural act of agency is sex, right? Sex at least feels like you are doing something, you know. Frannie, I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well!
CAMAYPARK Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I too was angry at first, really really angry. But now I am no longer angry, I am still annoyed but more like annoyed with myself, for giving him the best part of 3years of my life. All your advice over here and able to write things down, whether on the blog or with all of you, have provided me with an outlet. I try to keep busy, I am finally hooking and meeting up with a lot of my friends that I have neglected through out this period. I am learning to be better pals with friends again. A guy asked me out on a date, even though he knew my history, he said that he doesn't care that he maybe a rebound case as long as we are able to maintain our friendship through out. I felt humbled by his proposition and rather flattered, but I rejected it, because I know that he will be a rebound case and I don't want a good friend of mine to be subjected to something like that. A good friend of mine asked me the other day to think about this - do I think that C would have started the rellie if I truly do not have an ability to love anyone? Or the crux of the problem is truly him- his inability to love someone? She also said that I have 2choices - hate him or forgive him. Hate him?- then use the anger to get over him. Forgive him? then use that forgiveness, learn from it and let him go and get on with my life. I cannot hate him, so I forgive him and I have let him go. I try to keep busy, have some me time, pamper myself a bit, finally going after what I really want out of my career. I still have good days and bad days; for example, for whatever reason, upon reaching home last evening, I started crying and I couldn't stop for the longest of time. I no longer think about him first thing in the mornings and last thing at nights. I no longer wonder what he's up too etc. I am slowly getting there, not there yet, but definitely making progress. And a lot of it is thanks to all of you here.
nadiaj2727 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 Clara this is an awesome post, good for you for focusing on yourself, not your xMM. Every time I pop my head in here I notice strong posts like yours, women realizing they are better than a man who cheats on his wife for "whatever" reason and making "whatever" promises. This makes me incredibly happy to see! BTW I love John Updike and I too read his book Couples after I went NC. It was inspiring. I love his story Pygmalion because it shows that even in the rare instances when OW and MM work out, sometimes MM realizes the grass isn't greener and he is just as confused as ever! When I read Couples I was like hee hee, MM are so pathetic, I'm so glad I'm done with mine. Stay strong, you are amazing!!!!
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