orangehose Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Okay, I admit this is what gets me the most - what if I don't meet someone I like better than the ex? What if I get a few months into my next relationship and realize I don't like that person as much as I liked my ex? What if (scary thought) I never completely get over him? I ask this because I've seen it happen to friends. They're dating decent guys for months, even years, but say that if a particular ex (an ex from years ago or several relationships ago) called them up and wanted a second chance, they'd have a really hard time saying no. I even dated a guy who felt like this months into the relationship (I had to break up with him for that and other reasons). I'm scared of turning into one of these folks. In my case, I rationally know my ex was a jerk (or at least behaved like one) but it doesn't stop me from longing for him and the personality chemistry our relationship had, which may or may not be easily found again. I know I'll be comparing future relationships to this one, even though everyone says not to compare. I wonder if you can de-program yourself to the extent that you won't look back?
quankanne Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 the best way to cure these blues to to turn the question around and ask yourself, "what if I *do* get over him/her? Am I going to allow myself to progress to that point, and beyond? Or am I going to hide like a scared bunny when love comes knocking?" looking back is a very human, normal thing to do. But you've got to remember the relationship broke up for a reason, even if you don't initially appreciate why, at first. Besides which, when you *do* allow your heart to move on to new experiences, you take the wisdom of previous relationships along and you understand there are other, possibly better ways of doing things. Each and every time.
sunshinegirl Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I worried for a long time that my ex from 2005 would be the guy I would never get over. But I did get over him. And I don't look back and I wouldn't take him back if he came knockin'. The good news of all of my past breakups is that I don't wish I was with any of them today. I can only believe that I will feel this way about the current ex, eventually. Especially given his cheating and my own sense that we didn't share some core values that I need in a partner. It still hurts, and I miss things about him and our relationship, but one day it won't hurt anymore...I hope, anyway.
ButtHead Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I feel the same way. I swear if I played my cards right, we would still be together and we would stay together forever. I'll admit that this is one of the reasons why I can't get over her, but I can't see past it. Above all logic and reasoning, I still love her. I get over her a lot, but it comes back a lot and I love her just as much as I did in the beginning. I think it's going to be like having a painful disease with no cure. We're just going to have to get used to it and be grateful we're alive. Someone slap sense into me because that's how I see it.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Mh, seeing that this was *theone*, *theloveofmylife* and the first true love I experienced, I really doubt that I'll get over him. Had it been a normal break-up, yes. Like this, never. Plus, my trust will never be fully repaired. I am a broken woman, in a way. And I wouldn't want me for anybody I really like.
kizik Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 this was *theone*, *theloveofmylife* Some people believe in these concepts... I don't. To say that there is only ONE person for you in this world that is right is statistically foolish. Did we meet that person because it was "fated"? Or did it simply have to do with circumstances and proximity? I just got out of a THIRD relationship... with the SAME woman. Did I date her three times because it was "meant to be"? Because she was the "love of my life"? It's easy to say yes, but here's the truth... I got with her because it was EASY. Because we KNEW each other. Instead of taking the effort and facing the rejection of going out and meeting NEW people, we fell back on each other like comfortable mattresses. We basically abused the fact that we knew each other from having dated previously. She's not "the one," and no matter what I told her, she is NOT the "love of my life". She's simply an intelligent and beautiful woman. She is ALSO a cruel, manipulative, f*cked up bitch. Saying someone is "the one" is just a way of keeping yourself mired in regret and buried with memories and wistfulness. It is very hard to dispell the idea of fate and "one true love," but once you do, you can realize the randomness and unfairness of life. Which will help us grow, in the long run. "The one" means you have to tolerate their sh*t, because they're "the one." You have to take anything they do. You have no freedom, no choice.
Leia Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 You will get over him or her. It may not be in a few months but you will. You just have to move on without him or her. Get yourself busy with your family and friends.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Well, there are actually a lot of things that happened in both countries at the same time that made us end up in the same city in Spain for a year. Really curious little things. I don't believe in fate, but I believe that there are different levels of compatibility, of depth of feeling. My love grew deeper than any emotion I ever had before. And he did feel it. He touched a nerve with me that I didn't know I had, and he broke it. This love will never come back. And frankly, I doubt that I'll enjoy a shallow liking knowing what real love feels like. Not even being loved, but really loving somebody is great.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I wonder if you can de-program yourself to the extent that you won't look back? You can but there is nothing wrong with liking aspects of it and disliking others. In time you will keep what you want from all of it. Once you are no longer angry and grieving you will be able to look at the good and bad things more objectively. I've known people who never get over a lost relationship and who knows maybe they really did lose "the one" for them. I can't say. I can say that I once lost (to mental illness) someone that I thought could never be replaced. He wasn't replaced but my fear is gone now. I was able to feel the same way for another person and it made me understand that I can and will be loved even if it doesn't always work out. This might not help but it took eight long years before that happened. Now that I know I feel much better. I still think that I had a wonderful thing with that man but now I know that it wasn't my only chance.
me1234 Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 "The one" means you have to tolerate their sh*t, because they're "the one." You have to take anything they do. You have no freedom, no choice. wow Kizik, you hit some things spot on for me and what transpired w/ my ex. in retrospect, i thought of her in the way you describe and put up w/ entirely too much BS. because i thought she was "the one", i felt it was my duty to change her rather than accept her for who she is (a liar, cheater, manipulator, etc). when my effots failed (they always did), a normal person would have walked away - but i kept at it because of the illogical notion that i had about her.
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