surgngnl Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 dear BS of my MM, i am sorry. i am so sorry for what i caused you to question, to not trust, to feel pain. i have been you. my god, that is the worst pain one can feel - the betrayal by the one person who was supposed to protect you. i cannot believe that i allowed myself to become the other woman. how did i do that? who did i allow myself to become that person when i've myself felt what i caused you to feel? i am ashamed of myself. it wasn't supposed to happen this way. i thought i was getting to know my old buddy again; not become his weak way of getting out of your marriage. but i fell for it. i do not feel bad for myself, i feel bad that i allowed for another woman to question her path in life, her foundation, her future. i hope that you are finding your way with the most support that you can gather around you in this horrible time. i am so sorry that i had a hand in your anguish. you didn't deserve it. i have always prided myself in being a honest, caring, stand-up person but in this situation, i caved. maybe i did because i was lonely, maybe i am not as good a person as i thought i was, maybe i really believed him. i'm sure everyone has a theory. i swear to you that i am going to take time out of my life and figure out why i allowed for myself to be ugly, to be a liar, to be a part of your H's adultery. i can't take it back, i can't make it right. the only thing i can do is promise to the universe that i won't let it happen again. i send out every last ounce of regret and wish for happiness to you. i will always be sorry for being a part of your life turning upside down. i am truly sorry.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 That's a very heartfelt letter. I hope you send it to her. I guess I don't need to tell you to do (forever) no contact with the (ex)MM.
bentnotbroken Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 That was a kind letter. You seem really sincere. Don't ever forget this letter, it will help you never to go down this path again. I wish you well.
81West Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I annoy myself. I read this letter and all I can notice is the glaring lack of capitalization. Am I too old? Too bitchy? Too anal? In particular, the use of 'i' where 'I' should be drives me absolutely bug****. I'm sorry OP!!! This doesn't reflect on the content of your letter. It just seemed a good opportunity to reflect on whether or not I'm crazy, and ask around. Your letter was very heartfelt. Previous to my latest incarnation as an OW in an emotional affair, I was briefly an OW in a situation where the MM left his wife for our relationship. We lasted about three years, after which time I ended it. The life experience I gained through that left me feeling like I wanted to send just such a letter to his former spouse. At the time their marriage was dissolving I was somewhat naive about the fallout that all involved would experience, and I wanted to tell her I was sorry that a stranger had played a part in upturning her life, that I had grown to understand how painful that must have been, and that I felt diminished by my own choices. I decided not to send a letter in the end, though I still think about it sometimes. I concluded that as much as I would mean every word, the apology was still partly about me. My desire to apologize, my need to purge some guilt and shame, my desire to communicate my inherently decent nature and my sorrow about my poor decisions. In some ways this kind of apology is just another intrusion, another violation. It forces her to think about me. And worse, I'm asking her to think about me as a good person. I wasn't a good person to her, and she shouldn't be asked to think of me as one, no matter how sincere my intentions. Not ever sending that letter means that the guilt and shame burden of my decisions remain where and as it should be - with me, totally undiluted. I'll never know if this is the right decision for the BS, but I hope so.
bentnotbroken Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I annoy myself. I read this letter and all I can notice is the glaring lack of capitalization. Am I too old? Too bitchy? Too anal? In particular, the use of 'i' where 'I' should be drives me absolutely bug****. I'm sorry OP!!! This doesn't reflect on the content of your letter. It just seemed a good opportunity to reflect on whether or not I'm crazy, and ask around. Your letter was very heartfelt. Previous to my latest incarnation as an OW in an emotional affair, I was briefly an OW in a situation where the MM left his wife for our relationship. We lasted about three years, after which time I ended it. The life experience I gained through that left me feeling like I wanted to send just such a letter to his former spouse. At the time their marriage was dissolving I was somewhat naive about the fallout that all involved would experience, and I wanted to tell her I was sorry that a stranger had played a part in upturning her life, that I had grown to understand how painful that must have been, and that I felt diminished by my own choices. I decided not to send a letter in the end, though I still think about it sometimes. I concluded that as much as I would mean every word, the apology was still partly about me. My desire to apologize, my need to purge some guilt and shame, my desire to communicate my inherently decent nature and my sorrow about my poor decisions. In some ways this kind of apology is just another intrusion, another violation. It forces her to think about me. And worse, I'm asking her to think about me as a good person. I wasn't a good person to her, and she shouldn't be asked to think of me as one, no matter how sincere my intentions. Not ever sending that letter means that the guilt and shame burden of my decisions remain where and as it should be - with me, totally undiluted. I'll never know if this is the right decision for the BS, but I hope so. Why not ask for forgiveness from God(if you believe) and then forgive yourself. God never meant for any of us to live in everlasting guilt. That isn't where our energies should be used, to punish ourselves.
Meaplus3 Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 dear BS of my MM, i am sorry. i am so sorry for what i caused you to question, to not trust, to feel pain. i have been you. my god, that is the worst pain one can feel - the betrayal by the one person who was supposed to protect you. i cannot believe that i allowed myself to become the other woman. how did i do that? who did i allow myself to become that person when i've myself felt what i caused you to feel? i am ashamed of myself. it wasn't supposed to happen this way. i thought i was getting to know my old buddy again; not become his weak way of getting out of your marriage. but i fell for it. i do not feel bad for myself, i feel bad that i allowed for another woman to question her path in life, her foundation, her future. i hope that you are finding your way with the most support that you can gather around you in this horrible time. i am so sorry that i had a hand in your anguish. you didn't deserve it. i have always prided myself in being a honest, caring, stand-up person but in this situation, i caved. maybe i did because i was lonely, maybe i am not as good a person as i thought i was, maybe i really believed him. i'm sure everyone has a theory. i swear to you that i am going to take time out of my life and figure out why i allowed for myself to be ugly, to be a liar, to be a part of your H's adultery. i can't take it back, i can't make it right. the only thing i can do is promise to the universe that i won't let it happen again. i send out every last ounce of regret and wish for happiness to you. i will always be sorry for being a part of your life turning upside down. i am truly sorry. This letter sounds like it comes straight from the heart and perhap's it will help you find some closure. I wish you the very best of luck. keep your chin up. AP:)
Author surgngnl Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 I annoy myself. I read this letter and all I can notice is the glaring lack of capitalization. Am I too old? Too bitchy? Too anal? In particular, the use of 'i' where 'I' should be drives me absolutely bug****. I'm sorry OP!!! This doesn't reflect on the content of your letter. It just seemed a good opportunity to reflect on whether or not I'm crazy, and ask around. Your letter was very heartfelt. Previous to my latest incarnation as an OW in an emotional affair, I was briefly an OW in a situation where the MM left his wife for our relationship. We lasted about three years, after which time I ended it. The life experience I gained through that left me feeling like I wanted to send just such a letter to his former spouse. At the time their marriage was dissolving I was somewhat naive about the fallout that all involved would experience, and I wanted to tell her I was sorry that a stranger had played a part in upturning her life, that I had grown to understand how painful that must have been, and that I felt diminished by my own choices. I decided not to send a letter in the end, though I still think about it sometimes. I concluded that as much as I would mean every word, the apology was still partly about me. My desire to apologize, my need to purge some guilt and shame, my desire to communicate my inherently decent nature and my sorrow about my poor decisions. In some ways this kind of apology is just another intrusion, another violation. It forces her to think about me. And worse, I'm asking her to think about me as a good person. I wasn't a good person to her, and she shouldn't be asked to think of me as one, no matter how sincere my intentions. Not ever sending that letter means that the guilt and shame burden of my decisions remain where and as it should be - with me, totally undiluted. I'll never know if this is the right decision for the BS, but I hope so. Haha! In my response to you, I shall capitalize for your pleasure. I have a nasty little habit of small letters in typing. I absolutely LOVE the part that I bolded of your response. That is exactly how I feel about letting the BS know how I feel person-to-person. She doesn't need to hear from me. She doesn't need to be reminded of the pain that I hope has somewhat subsided by now. I will keep this to myself (and this site) and never, ever burden her again. She deserves peace and happiness and nothing less.
twice_shy Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 If this is a letter you are thinking of sending her.....don't. You are the last person she more than likely wants to hear from. Maybe its different for women, I don't know. but as one person in another thread said, she probably just wants you to drop off the face of the earth, and probably worse. It may be a heartfelt letter and does sound nice, but probably not what she wants to hear or who she wants to hear from.
Author surgngnl Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 twice-shy, i have NO intention of sending this to her. NO intention. she needs to never hear from me in her life. worry not. i will not be sending this her way. i want her to go along in her life as best as she can and me sticking my nose in her life again is not the idea i have. she has dealt thus far without me... she can keep going. to me, sending this letter would do nothing more than inflict more pain. no way. be good. me
justice Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Speaking as a former BS, I really appreciate this letter and the heartfelt way you've written it. It shows that you truly feel remorse for and are owning up to your actions. It's a good place to start. I would have liked to have gotten a letter like this.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 If this is a letter you are thinking of sending her.....don't. You are the last person she more than likely wants to hear from. Maybe its different for women, I don't know. It may be a heartfelt letter and does sound nice, but probably not what she wants to hear or who she wants to hear from. I agree here, totally... Use if for your own closure and let her make her own without your interference...
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