jon01 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 I found out a lot about my husband's side dish, and when things are really bad for me, I throw out a little legal torture her way, and it makes me feel much better. Can you elaborate more.. what kind of legal torture are you talking about?
allcriedout2 Posted June 11, 2008 Posted June 11, 2008 Keep visiting this site, looking for reassurance but so often, as this evening, I'm confronted with the truth. I wept as I read your post. How can someone you love turn into a liar and a stranger in the blink of an eye? My position is not as bad as yours as the A did not take place under my nose. I thought I'd moved on but have been kidding myself. I fought, successfully, to get him back, but what did I win? Less than I lost. Self respect, dignity, peace of mind. Now I've trapped myself. Posters say its never to let to change your mind but in reality it is. You invest so much in the reconcilliation, you can't allow yourself the thought that it was all for nothing. Good luck lady, I hope you find peace and happiness and a bit more courage than I did.
Lookingforward Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 I think you're being a bit harsh! For 17 YEARS things were ok. Most men are so insecure, they hit mid-life, after being in a long term relationship and seem to start wondering if they've still 'got it'. Am I still attractive, can I still get another woman, then things often get out of hand because the're not very bright either! From what I can see an A can often (in the long run) make a M stronger and the relationship better. My H is showing so much respect, love and care at the moment it reminds me of why I married him. I don't feel my M is a sham, sometimes I may, BUT NOT TODAY! After what HE did to you, may I ask just why you're making excuses for him ? If the above is how you really feel then I guess you'll just have to "get over it" won't you ? Not much else to add, really.
MrsHellnoFire Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Can you elaborate more.. what kind of legal torture are you talking about? uh yeah im curious too! LOL!
porter218 Posted June 12, 2008 Posted June 12, 2008 Suemaya, I am glad you are enjoying good behavior from your H. But as someone who has been where you are, I must warn you this is the "honeymoon period". This happens briefly after almost every A. how long this lasts will depend on your H, but eventually his behavior will go back to somewhere in between what he acted like at his worst and how he is right now. Only at that point can you really make the decision if this M can survive this A. Usually it is between 6 months to 1yr or sometimes only 3months that you will be in this honeymoon. You really should prepare yourself for a plan B like other people are saying. Be ready to leave, and OK with this possibility and you will feel so much better. It may sound sad, but knowing I can easily leave my H any day I choose is what really makes me feel at ease to enjoy my M. My M is a relatively happy one these days, but the secret to my happiness is the fact that I am not trapped at all. I am where I want to be by choice and nothing more. I hope this makes sense to you. but if it doesn't yet, I know it will soon down the road.
eeyore1980 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 First, you must know your enemy, lol. The skank has been divorced for a few years for getting caught cheating on her husband, and I know she wants him back. June 6 was their anniversary, so I sent her some cheap flowers to her work with a card, "Happy 16th Anniversary, Love (my name)" This worked out even better than I could have planned, cause the stupid ho got so upset she called her ex, who was at the lake having a good time up to that point. I don't know what kind of crap she has been feeding him about everything that happened, but he managed to scrape up the ba**s to come ream me, and I gave him an earful. The ex and I, we parted on good terms, and I could tell he knew I was telliing the truth and she had been lying to him all this time. I was just trying to ruin her day, and she went on and screwed up what little relationship she had left with the ex. I know a lot of people will think this is petty and childish, and I won't argue the point. All I have to say is after being screwed over, I am now doing whatever it takes to make ME feel better, and at this time, doing stupid crap likes this helps when I am going through bad spots.
tinktronik Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Don't lie to yourself..you will not get over this. It is such a slap in the face the way he went about this awful affair. For me to begin to be able to function again, I had to kick my H out for 9 months. When I let him back I had had enough time to myself to be sure that I did still love him...but it always will hurt. Just focus on making your relationship better and try not to focus too much on what he did. He did it and it is impossible to go back in time and change what happened. I absolutely agree with this post. I don't know anyone who could heal from this. Good luck, and I hope it gets better in time.
MichelleS1983 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 SM, I cringed too when I read your post. It's as though your husband set out to literally STAIN every single facet of your life. There's literally nowhere left for you to go in your world that hasn't been tainted by your low-life husband and that pig he was rutting with. It's as though he had some kind of personal vendetta to satisfy - to make sure to touch every single thing in your life that you hold near and dear. He left nothing unstained. And not only did he thumb his nose at you every stinking chance he got, but he also threw his kids to the wolves right along with you. He screwed his earth pig on the same living room floor your kids lay on while they watch TV and do their homework. He screwed her in the same bathroom your kids get changed in, take bubble baths in, and brush their teeth in. The two selfish pigs even had to stain your kitchen with their filth as well. The place where your family sits down to share a meal together at the end of the day, where holiday meals are prepared, birthday cakes baked, Sunday breakfasts and all those other special meals are prepared, that build your family memories. Even THERE, he had to bring his selfish, disgusting rutting behavior. And the one most private safe place in your entire world - your marital bed - even that, this a*sshole had to taint. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. That's your life now. You don't have even ONE private, untouched, pristine little piece of space to go to that hasn't been violated, do you? How is one expected to heal when the very chair their curled up in was probably used for illicit sex? How does one soak in the tub and try to gather their thoughts when they know just 2 feet away on the floor their husband had rolled around with his side piece? How do you serve dinner on the table to family knowing full well these two selfish fools had probably leaned over it? It's no WONDER you're not healing. How can you possibly move forward when this disgusting reminder is in your face - even when you lay down to SLEEP because even your damned pillow's been violated??? Yeah, he's super husband now because he actually stood to LOSE everything he supposedly holds hear and dear (but constantly disrespected and SH*T on every chance he got for HOW long?) As another poster said, this is all about saving HIS sorry ass, not about being remorseful. I truly believe someone like this is absolutely evil to the bone. It's sociopathic behavior when you can visit a level of disrespect of THIS magnitude onto your wife, family, home and marriage. Bless you for sticking it out with him. I wouldn't p*ss on this piece of garbage if he were on fire.
Author suemaya786 Posted June 15, 2008 Author Posted June 15, 2008 eh eh.. he was so disrespectful, i cringe at what he's done BEHIND YOUR BACK for 17 years.. no thanks! He's just fearful of losing his sense of security and sense of being.. it's basically all about him. Sorry, I wasn't clear in my response, I agree that the M has been a sham for the last 2 years or so but prior to that things were fine, of that I'm as sure as I can be. It is only during his 2 year affair that his behaviour changed (I didn't notice at the time as I was grieving the loss of my father). Until recently I was one of those people that everybody calls if they need something i.e., mother, aunt, brothers, in laws I was running round nearly disappearing up my own backside helping everyone else. I neglected my husband and my own family, I was exhausted with it all, when I returned home there was nothing left for my own family. My H obviously looked elsewhere for his needs. I know this is no excuse, it's just a reason. I have not posted for a while as I have been very, very low, in all honesty I really don't know how much more of this battle I can take! The way I feel at the moment I'm never going to get through this, when I think about the details, how long it lasted, how my home was abused etc., etc., it feels like he must of hated me and that REALLY HURTS. Thank you all once again for all your words of support they do help.
tinktronik Posted June 16, 2008 Posted June 16, 2008 Sorry, I wasn't clear in my response, I agree that the M has been a sham for the last 2 years or so but prior to that things were fine, of that I'm as sure as I can be. It is only during his 2 year affair that his behaviour changed (I didn't notice at the time as I was grieving the loss of my father). Until recently I was one of those people that everybody calls if they need something i.e., mother, aunt, brothers, in laws I was running round nearly disappearing up my own backside helping everyone else. I neglected my husband and my own family, I was exhausted with it all, when I returned home there was nothing left for my own family. My H obviously looked elsewhere for his needs. I know this is no excuse, it's just a reason. I have not posted for a while as I have been very, very low, in all honesty I really don't know how much more of this battle I can take! The way I feel at the moment I'm never going to get through this, when I think about the details, how long it lasted, how my home was abused etc., etc., it feels like he must of hated me and that REALLY HURTS. Thank you all once again for all your words of support they do help. These days, I take the exH's affairs as a grain of salt ; or better yet I try to. Yes I said ex, because there was no healing from the things he did. Even now almost seven years after we split, to think about it makes something inside me wiggle. I will never be the same. My ex did similar things as yours, sex in our bed , on our couch, in our car, in our tub,he sat across the room from me ,doing dishes or changing one of our children's diapers, while he chatted her up online. He had sex with her hours after I gave birth to our youngest and she stayed in my home even while he put up the congratulations stork on our front lawn for my homecoming. After, when a neighbor came over to meet my days old baby, and to let me know that there had been a girl in my house. I confronted him, and he dared to simply invite her over, where she informed me of her enjoyment at the sex in my home. What trash. I left shortly after. Later he begged forgiveness, he missed his family his three boys and his "willing" wife. He begged and begged and promised and swore never to do it again, over and over and over. Then he got a fifteen year old girl pregnant and married her, meanwhile he makes passes at me and every other woman within his immediate vicinity. A person who has this type of affair is a special kind of guy or gal, it takes a certain kind of disregard, an egocentricity, a complete ability to be selfish and unable to put anyone else's feelings beyond their own wants and desires. There is not any behavior that your husband can exhibit that can erase or make up for what he has done. I think a normal affair, where a person gets caught up and ends up in a motel room , it hurts badly, but sometimes it can be survived. Not this though. My point in this is to let you know you are absolutely NOT alone," this kind " of affair is extreme and makes you question your judgement in others far beyond the normal. How could YOU pick someone with this capability? How did I fall in love with a person who could be so TRASHY? OP, you don't ever get beyond this kind of blatant , obscene, disrespectful,shove your face and your children's faces in it, affair. Not ever, even if you leave, even after years even when you don't care or love the person who did this anymore. But divorce and time does make it better , somewhat. Honestly, do you think you can ever ,ever trust your husband again? I think I could probably answer that.
melbar68 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 There is no advise either trust him and move on or divorce the only person you are hurting is yourself. if he did it once and you forgave you already opened a door that will never be closed therfor he will do it agin and probably with the same person take it from me i am the OW not in this relationship but what you described that happened between them will continue for a long time believe me...i know this hurts but they are still seeing eachother
Author suemaya786 Posted June 17, 2008 Author Posted June 17, 2008 There is no advise either trust him and move on or divorce the only person you are hurting is yourself. if he did it once and you forgave you already opened a door that will never be closed therfor he will do it agin and probably with the same person take it from me i am the OW not in this relationship but what you described that happened between them will continue for a long time believe me...i know this hurts but they are still seeing eachother As you say, you are the OW, you have NO IDEA AT ALL what it's like to be my side of the fence! I'm in the UK, you are in the US, I believe so how the hell do you know 'i know this hurts but they are still seeing eachother'?????????????????? This is the last sort of comment I need right now!!!
Lookingforward Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 As you say, you are the OW, you have NO IDEA AT ALL what it's like to be my side of the fence! I'm in the UK, you are in the US, I believe so how the hell do you know 'i know this hurts but they are still seeing eachother'?????????????????? This is the last sort of comment I need right now!!! Unfortunately, when you post to a forum you don't get to decide what advice you prefer to hear.......and wth difference does it make where posters live ? good luck with that and fwiw - I think you need to direct some of that righteous anger where it belongs - squarely on your H - not posters on this board
Tripper Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 SM, I think the hardest part of where you are at is the realization that your life has changed irrevocably and that you are at a fork in the road. Both the options of divorce and of staying in your M after what has happened are very unappealing. You no longer have the comfort and security of your M as you knew it and, of course, divorce is a great unknown at this point. Both options are painful. You may have been guilty of giving to everyone but not your M but your H's actions precipitated this. It's understandable that you are in a world of pain, simply because the hurt is so fresh and you tend to bounce between wanting to repair the M and wanting a D. And frankly both are unappealing. Before you you can make any final decision I think you need to let some of the anger out and the pain subside. Can you get some therapy?? It really does help!! I must ask, tho'.. what is your H doing as you wrestle with your own inner demons?? Being the loving H around the house is a facade. Has he examined his own inner psyche?? Admitted his own shortcomings of character that allowed him to act the way he did? Apologized to you?? Asked you to forgive him? Given any idea of how he thinks the M can be saved? Looking forward, if you think you can save and repair the M, while you can forgive you can never forget. That is the issue. Do you have the capacity to understand the human failing that led your H to do what he did? No one can blame you if you choose to end the M. Within your moral framework, he may have crossed the Rubicon; his actions are unforgivable. When you are ready you will decide your course of future action, but I must admit it is a very tough decision.
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