What is wrong with me? Why can't I let go?

[suemaya786]

I have been married for 19 years. 7 months ago I found out my H had been having an affair for the last 2 years. I was gutted, devastated, absolutely shot to pieces.

A few weeks after finding out my doctor said I was severly depressed and I have been on anti-depressants since. I just cannot believe he's done this to me, I had no idea, what a fool! I really thought I knew him after all those years. I didn't think he was capable of such deception in fact, I felt I knew him so well that I once said to him (when my 2 brothers had affairs) that if he ever did that to me "I would smell it"!

Time is a great healer but I'm far from how I used to be.

I didn't know this woman until my H introduced us, she is the wife of an old friend of his. He introduced us on the pretence that he was doing some work for her (he works from home designing web sites for businesses) she came to our home a few times that I was aware of, but thought nothing of it as it was business. I have since learnt that she came at least 2 or 3 times a week when I went to get our 2 young children from school. She would park down the road and wait for me to go and for him to text her the all clear. It would take me an hour to get the kids as they come out at different times, she would of course be gone when we got back. How could he use his kids like that? I will never understand. I never had a clue when we returned, he had just had sex with her, mostly in OUR BED but also in his office (where we all go on the computer) the living room, the bathroom, the hallway, many, many times.

In June 2006 we went on holiday to Spain, so did she and her family, same town would you believe! She was due to fly home a week before us, the airline wouldn't let them because her young sone had chicken pox, the rest of her family flew home and she stayed behind with her son. They had nowhere to stay so we took them in for 5 days, in that time they had sex twice, once while I was in the shower! Bas**rd!

I know they met at weekends and stayed in hotels, they did it in the car, at her house, he even took her tohis sister's home twice when she was on holiday and he was supposed to be looking after things for her!

But the real gut wrencher is in September 2007 I went to Spain without my H, I took out kids and my mother (my father died 3 years ago and she'd not had a holiday for 40 years) my H said he didn't want to go on holiday with his mother-in-law, he would be fine. I was away for 16 days, she stayed in MY HOME while I was away, H says 2 weekends, she says 3. Don't know who's lying.

My problem is this, I go over these facts again and again, it's driving me nuts! I just can't get it out of my head. I have gone on and on to find out all these facts because I just had to know.

H has stopped all contact, said he loves me more now than he ever has, it was the biggest mistake of his life, he is so very sorry and it will never happen again.

We have talked to each other so much, have identified that we took each other for granted, lost respect etc., we are rectifying this.

But, how do I get over this, I'm getting desperate, can anyone offer me any advice?

[81West]

No advice, just my best wishes for your eventual healing. I want to say that your experience is one of extreme - EXTREME - emotional violence. The specific details of your story make this a particularly brutal and humiliating betrayal. I would be extremely surprised if anybody were to 'get over it' in 7 months. You experienced extreme trauma, and while not healthy it is completely understandable that you would replay this stuff in your mind over and over again. I am on this board as an OW, but there is simply no excuse for the behaviour of the perps here. Go easy on yourself - you completely and utterly deserve every kindness you can direct inward.

 

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Hang in there.

[porter218]

Don't lie to yourself..you will not get over this. It is such a slap in the face the way he went about this awful affair. For me to begin to be able to function again, I had to kick my H out for 9 months. When I let him back I had had enough time to myself to be sure that I did still love him...but it always will hurt. Just focus on making your relationship better and try not to focus too much on what he did. He did it and it is impossible to go back in time and change what happened.

[jon01]

I just wanted to say you are a very good and decent women to still be with your husband after all this. Women like you are hard to find, and you deserve all the best in life. I hope you one day win a huge lottery or something great happens to you to repay you for the suffering you went/and are going through.

[Tripper]

SM, I sorry you are in such a world of pain.

 

Your H has not only betrayed you and broken the trust, but humiliated you by bringing the OW into your home and bed. Very sleazy behaviour and absolutely no respect towards you.

 

You may or may not recover from this. Only time will tell and 7 months is not long enough. It make take 1 to 2 years for the pain to fade; however you will never forget.

 

I suggest you do several things. First your H must begin to rebuild the trust which means his life becomes an open book to you. Cell phone, email and possibly accounting for his time away from you. He needs to show you he's completely NC. He may not like that but too bad, he created the situation.

 

If you are on antidepressants, part of the management of your emotional state need to be psychotherapy. If you are not seeing a therapist, I urge you to find one that can help you deal with the anger and angst you're feeling.

 

I would also get some legal advice as to what happens in the case of divorce in case you decide to exit the marriage. Make sure you are protected for at least 50% of all assets.

 

Lastly you need to find out WHY your H had the affair and why he did it in such a skuzzy manner. Really the A is not the problem, it's the symptom of deeper issues in your M or your H's life. This may require MC. Tho' it may be painful your H owes you an explanation as to why he chose to cheat --- midlife crisis? ego boost? boredom with your M?? etc.

 

While you are part and parcel to the M, please do not let him tell you it was your fault. Even if you hit a rocky patch, HE chose to cheat. You didn't force him.

 

Finally focus on yourself and your own well being. I know it may be hard but you need to do some "work" for your self.

 

Good luck....

[smartgirl]

All affairs are horrible. What you have suffered through is worse than most I have heard about for the way your H invited this woman to violate your personal spaces. I'm sorry, I know this kind of talk isn't helping, but I wanted you to know that you are entitled to take as long as you need to try and heal.

 

That being said, I'm not sure you really heal from an experience like this. Just as with the loss of a child or parent or a loved spouse the experience changes you and becomes part of you. All the change isn't bad if you grow as a person -- become more empowered, change bad habits or behaviors, change a relationship that was unhealthy -- that sort of thing.

 

I am two years out from d-day and I dwell on my H's A much of every day. I think way too much about all the details of the A, all of which he was willing to divulge to me. I go over the details and look at my journal entries like I am praying the rosary.

 

But my H has become more attentive than before, I've made changes and overall our relationship is actually better.

 

So some things will be better and some things will be worse. But what will make the difference is how committed your H is doing whatever you ask to improve the marriage and how willing the two of you are to work together to improve the basic quality of your marriage.

 

You must seek counselling, for yourself and perhaps for the both of you. Good luck.

[norajane]

I'm amazed that you would even consider staying with him, and I am not in the least surprised that you are having trouble coping. I think it would be almost impossible to cope knowing that he had been carrying on in your house and bed.

 

Ugh. I would have to throw out the bed, all the bedding, and the cheating, lying husband.

 

Does her husband know she was cheating on him? I hope so, poor man. He was obviously responsible for the kids each time she ran off to be with your husband. He deserves to know what he's married to so he can make an informed decision about his marriage.

 

I don't think I have any advice, other than to echo the others who have said to seek individual counseling for yourself to help you talk this through, and marriage counseling if you think you want to stay married to this creep. Other than that, there is really nothing that will help you except for time, lots and lots of time.

 

You may, at some point, realize that no amount of time will really help you rebuild trust and erase all the images of his betrayal from your mind. You are entitled to change your mind and decide you can't tolerate what he's done.

 

Good luck to you.

[GPFan]

They behaved as a dog and bitch-in-heat. I am trying to imagine any difference and I don't see any difference here.

 

I want to say that your experience is one of extreme - EXTREME - emotional violence.

Agreed.

 

I have two suggestions for you: 1) individual counselling as I do not believe anti-depressants from your general physician is nearly enough to overcome this trauma, and 2) an exit plan.

 

Your exit plan will consist of getting your financial, legal and child support/visitation matters ready to go now. You don't have to act upon your exit plan unless/until you are ready but lay the groundwork now. You will feel much safer, less trapped.

 

I wish you and your children the very best, whatever the outcome.

[Lookingforward]

My problem is this, I go over these facts again and again, it's driving me nuts! I just can't get it out of my head. I have gone on and on to find out all these facts because I just had to know.

H has stopped all contact, said he loves me more now than he ever has, it was the biggest mistake of his life, he is so very sorry and it will never happen again.

We have talked to each other so much, have identified that we took each other for granted, lost respect etc., we are rectifying this.

But, how do I get over this, I'm getting desperate, can anyone offer me any advice?

 

I can't imagine ever getting over that sort of betrayal - to have an A is one thing - for them to be in YOUR home - ugh - and not just in your bedroom.

 

I wouldn't be able to live there again, let alone with him.

 

I'm sorry I honestly don't know what advice to give, but you have my heartfelt sympathy.

[smartgirl]

NoraJane makes an excellent point -- you are free to change your mind at any time. Do not feel you must continue to work on the marriage because you said you would. Sometimes after a decent try it just doesn't work out.

 

You must have conditions for reconcilliation and they must be met. If they are not met do not let yourself get sucked into tolerating a series of violations on his part. He doesn't keep getting a pass.

 

Forgiveness should not be unconditional. It tells the WH that you are a doormat and you will put up with anything and he will lose respect for you. You will get less out of this than you deserve and you will feel bad about yourself and your life.

 

Even if he is trying his hardest, the level of his violation is very disturbing and you may ultimately not be able to move past it and stay with your H. To me, this goes beyond the boundaries of most affairs into something darker, but I'm not sure what that is. It seems less like your run of the mill affair and more like buried anger and resentment on his part. Maybe not to you, but to women. It needs to be checked out.

 

If you can't forgive and move on, it is not failure on your part. Feel good that you even tried, but don't let the effort take you down.

[Wibble]

Well the first thing to say is that you WON'T get over it quickly. Seven months is a heartbeat in terms of the time-frame to get past this level of betrayal. I suffered a similar abuse of trust by my wife (our bed, kids/friends involved etc) and 3 YEARS later I am still struggling to subdue the massive "rushes" of hopelessness and bitterness. I cannot even offer you the false hope that you WILL even get over it.

 

BUT....

 

..it is important not to rush into anything before you have tried your best to find a way through. Firstly, try and get a handle on what has happened.

 

I am sure you, like me, find it impossible to contemplate the sort of behaviour your spouse has shown, but can you remember the feelings of being attracted to someone and having that attraction reciprocated? It is impossible that a little liaison in a coffee shop could do any harm, isn't it? No need to tell the hubby, he wouldn't understand. The "salami slicing" of morality from that coffee shop to your bed is the bitter path that all affairs follow, and it all starts with that "thrill".

 

Once on that "path" it is almost impossible to get off. We are programmed to seek fulfillment, and an affair is fulfillment without commitment - an addictive formula. The consideration of others becomes almost irrelevant, all you seek is satisfaction.

 

As you can see, I know the "theory" of an affair very well. I just lack the mental self-delusion to think it is a good idea, under ANY circumstances. The practicality of applying this knowledge to someone who I thought I knew really well, and loved beyond reason, is a real problem, however.

 

 

Forgiveness and trust are two TOTALLY separate issues. To succumb to temptation is a human weakness to which we are all vulnerable. The manner of our capitulation, and the extent we are prepared to go to satisfy our desires are aspects of someones character that may render them totally undesirable as a partner. That is where the hard decisions have to be made.

 

I hope my rambling contribution makes sense. Take comfort from the fact that you are not the only one facing this bleakness, neither is your spouse the first person to inflict such pain on an undeserving partner. You have a long road ahead, but when you are going through hell, the secret is to keep going! (As Winston Churchill said!)

 

FWIW, a book I found INVALUABLE was "Surviving An Affair" by Harley and Chalmers. It was the only thing I found that articulated my feelings to the letter. Hope it helps.

[porter218]

If moving is an option than leave that house of horrors in the dust! I know that just entering your house every day since you found out has felt awful. If you don't want to move than do a serious remodel, make your house yours again. Get all new furniture and make a different place all together. You will feel much better. After I found out about my Hs A I remodeled from top to bottom bought a new car and all new furniture. I felt like I emerged into a new chapter and closed the last one. And my Hs A didn't even enter my house, but I found out about the A in my house and shed many tears in my house that forever imprinted their pain in every item in my home. Change is therapeutic

[suemaya786]

Thank you all so much for your replies and kind words.

I'm sorry for the delay in replying but today I have been struggling with it all, it has been a very bad day.

I have never been clinically depressed before despite hard times in my past, loosing my father who I adored and nursing my baby daughter, successfully, through leukaemia to mention just a couple.

But this has truly broken me. I have always been a strong person and I struggle to understand why I cannot cope now? I read recently that clinical depression is "A glimpse of hell that most, fortunately, will never see", how true that is. At night I pray not to wake up, in the morning I burst into tears because I have. I honestly feel the only thing that's kept me going is the children who are blissfully unaware, thank goodness.

I am trying so hard to get through this, I know it will take a long time and my counselling starts next week so perhaps that will help.

My H tells me on a daily basis that he is sorry, he tells me constantly that he loves me, that he wants to grow old with me and cannot imagine life without me. He cooks for us most days, cleans the house and has started to enjoy the garden! Nothing is too much trouble he could not be kinder or more attentive if he tried.

It is not possible for us to move house but we are decorating from top to bottom, I need to do this to get rid of her stench from my home, we are also replacing furniture as funds allow.

I have asked him many, many questions (as we ladies do!) he tells me the sex was bad, very bad but always available, but he would say that wouldn't he.

I would really like to know why men do this (I have not even had an adulterous thought in 19 years of marriage) if they truly value what they have at home (and he obviously does) why risk it all? Can anyone tell me, please?

[smartgirl]

Thank you all so much for your replies and kind words.

I'm sorry for the delay in replying but today I have been struggling with it all, it has been a very bad day.

I have never been clinically depressed before despite hard times in my past, loosing my father who I adored and nursing my baby daughter, successfully, through leukaemia to mention just a couple.

But this has truly broken me. I have always been a strong person and I struggle to understand why I cannot cope now? I read recently that clinical depression is "A glimpse of hell that most, fortunately, will never see", how true that is. At night I pray not to wake up, in the morning I burst into tears because I have. I honestly feel the only thing that's kept me going is the children who are blissfully unaware, thank goodness.

I am trying so hard to get through this, I know it will take a long time and my counselling starts next week so perhaps that will help.

My H tells me on a daily basis that he is sorry, he tells me constantly that he loves me, that he wants to grow old with me and cannot imagine life without me. He cooks for us most days, cleans the house and has started to enjoy the garden! Nothing is too much trouble he could not be kinder or more attentive if he tried.

It is not possible for us to move house but we are decorating from top to bottom, I need to do this to get rid of her stench from my home, we are also replacing furniture as funds allow.

I have asked him many, many questions (as we ladies do!) he tells me the sex was bad, very bad but always available, but he would say that wouldn't he.

I would really like to know why men do this (I have not even had an adulterous thought in 19 years of marriage) if they truly value what they have at home (and he obviously does) why risk it all? Can anyone tell me, please?

 

Dear SueM,

 

I'm soooo sorry for what you are going through. You have been very strong in the face of tragedy. What you could never know is that your H likely felt inadequate in comparison to the way you handled these circumstances. That made him need bolstering in his ego and made him need to feel superior -- when he really did not feel that way. In fact, he likely felt very inferior to you, or feared he was. Felt he couldn't measure up, or be as good as you. If he has said this, it is probably true.

 

This is NOT your fault. In a distant way, it isn't his fault either. We all bring a lot of garbage into our adult relationships and we aren't all strong enough to overcome them by doing the right thing. That is why I decided to work to forgive my H after his A. When it happened, in a way, I had been expecting it for 30 years. The only amazing thing was that he held out that long. I had my own issues and so I was able to relate to his in some way.

 

This ability to understand did not lessen the pain. Empathy goes only so far. Though it does help in the long run.

 

I wish I could do something more tangible to help you. I know that right now you don't know exactly what you want to do. I didn't either. For the first year and half I was sure I wanted to keep my marriage intact. Then I entered a phase where I was trying to decide if what I had was enough for me. What my H offered before the A was enough. I wasn't so sure at one point in the recovery phase. I walked to the brink and I was willing to walk. I decided to stay. But being walking to the brink and being willing to leae made me feel stronger.

 

The M isn't all there is to you. Motherhood isn't all there is to you. If you take all that away, there is a person you may not have had time to get to know. Now is the time, even though your children are young and your H has betrayed you. None of them define you.

 

This has sounded like a pointless ramble, I'm sure. But my essential point is to be true to yourself, but don't sell yourself out. Being true to yourself doesn't mean foresaking the best interests of others, if that is something that is important to you. But in attending to the interests of others, you can't deplete all that makes you the valuable person you are.

 

I am writing to you from the depth of my own feeling and experience. I hope there is something in words from this site that can help.

[porter218]

You will live through this. At this stage you are probably going back and forth between severe anger and extreme hurt. The best thing to do at this time is to go to the gym and work some of your anger out there. I know you probably just want to melt into your bed and disappear right now but that will not help you. Get out of the house and start to embrace your anger, it will make you stronger. I personally found that hitting my H in the face a few time really helped, but I don't know if that is the best thing to do:confused:. I guess that depends on your husband. For a while after the A I really just did stuff that made no sense, but it helped me..like gardening at 4am, taking days of of work to sit in my pool and sip wine instead:), went to the islands with the kids minus my H, just really focused on me until I was a happier person.

 

Let us know how you are doing.

[suemaya786]

Thanks for your support, it's comforting to know that you are out there and understand what I'm going through. It also helps to know that I'm not abnormal in my 'weird' unpredictable behaviour!

I find I have a few (3 or 4) good days followed by about the same amount of bad days. On the good days I feel 'I can do this, no problem' on the bad ones I feel I've got no chance, I hate him and I let him know it!

He's a very good looking guy but when I look at him, when I'm low, he seems like a stranger, not someone I've been married to for 19+ years. The problem is they change in your head they just don't feel the same, why is that? You cannot understand why you didn't see it coming, after being with him for all this time I usually knew what he was going to do before he did it! I had no idea he was capable of such deception.

As I have said he is prepared to do anything, I scare him because he says I'm very fragile, all he wants to do is make me better.

Sometimes I think it would be better if he left for a few months, has that worked for anyone as they are really a constant reminder.

Does anyone have any tips for stopping all the crap that goes round in your head, mind movies I think you call them?

Any tips would be really helpful.

[porter218]

I did separate from my H for 9 month, it was very good for me. It felt good not to see his face too often while my anger was still fresh. I was able to work through the pain with out getting confused with my Hs overly nice behavior. Sad to say these mind movies don't stop, but they do become less graphic over the years.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Hmm.. he's humping her away like an animal in heat as you hop in the shower? I mean this is so despicable, why even bother trying to save this sham of a marriage? Do you really feel so inadequate that you can't do any better? Sometimes it's ok to be alone.

[NewSunrise]

I cringed in disgust as I read your post, SM. There are no words to describe the most inhumane behavior to treat another human being.

 

Be careful to not become dependent on antidepressant because all it does is DELAY the inevitable of having to deal and face the unfortunate deck of cards your H dealt you with.

 

At some point, once you can't cry anymore, scream at your H, tired of hurting, you will have to "decide" to get yourself off you fanny and "LIVE" not for your H, or the M, but for you. If you don't, you're as good as half dead. No matter how painful to get up in the morning feeling hopeless, you gotta find some meaning to put life back into you. So find a reason for YOU to get up in the morning. Learn and do something new. Anything that will help regain your strength. If you don't live your life for you, you won't have much to give to your M, much less to look forward to in life. The sooner you take on this responsibility for yourself, the sooner you are able to start the healing process.

 

Once you have reached a point of strength, then DECIDE if you still want to be with this individual and rebuild the M or spend the rest of your life wondering if he can ever be trusted again.

 

Hang in there. Time has a way of allowing us bounce back.

[suemaya786]

Hmm.. he's humping her away like an animal in heat as you hop in the shower? I mean this is so despicable, why even bother trying to save this sham of a marriage? Do you really feel so inadequate that you can't do any better? Sometimes it's ok to be alone.

 

I think you're being a bit harsh! For 17 YEARS things were ok.

Most men are so insecure, they hit mid-life, after being in a long term relationship and seem to start wondering if they've still 'got it'. Am I still attractive, can I still get another woman, then things often get out of hand because the're not very bright either!

From what I can see an A can often (in the long run) make a M stronger and the relationship better. My H is showing so much respect, love and care at the moment it reminds me of why I married him.

I don't feel my M is a sham, sometimes I may, BUT NOT TODAY!

[Tripper]

SM, as I mentioned before, if you are on ADs you should consider seeing a psychotherapist as part of the recovery. You have a lot of emotions bottled up that you need to deal with. Post divorce, as I struggled with depression, I spent 2 yrs in therapy and, while not a quick process, it does help you reinvent yourself into a better person in the long run.

 

You can't go back to what was and you can't go forward to what you want.. you are stuck in the here and now... That's how we live life.. one day at a time. So you need to learn how to live each day to the fullest. Make each day count.

 

I suggest you do one or two things for yourself each and every day. They don't need to be life altering things. It can be as simple as enjoying a cappuccino on a park bench in the sun... or watching a sunset. Whatever it is that gives you pleasure. Remember the longest journey begins with a single step.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I think you're being a bit harsh! For 17 YEARS things were ok.

Most men are so insecure, they hit mid-life, after being in a long term relationship and seem to start wondering if they've still 'got it'. Am I still attractive, can I still get another woman, then things often get out of hand because the're not very bright either!

From what I can see an A can often (in the long run) make a M stronger and the relationship better. My H is showing so much respect, love and care at the moment it reminds me of why I married him.

I don't feel my M is a sham, sometimes I may, BUT NOT TODAY!

 

eh eh.. he was so disrespectful, i cringe at what he's done BEHIND YOUR BACK for 17 years.. no thanks! He's just fearful of losing his sense of security and sense of being.. it's basically all about him.

[suemaya786]

i cringe at what he's done BEHIND YOUR BACK for 17 years.. no thanks! quote]

Could you elaborate please???

[MrsHellnoFire]

i cringe at what he's done BEHIND YOUR BACK for 17 years.. no thanks! quote]

Could you elaborate please???

 

 

the point being is that you will never know.

if he's had sex with a woman while you were in the same apartment, could you imagine what he's been doing for 17 years without you knowing? The plain fact that this latest affair was practically in FRONT OF YOUR FACe and you hadn't a clue is scary!

[eeyore1980]

There are some similarities between our situations, and it's been 8 months since I found out. The major difference is my husband is still lying out his a** to me.

I want you to know you aren't alone. I have times when I believe I am going to be able to work this out, and times when I never want to see the bastard again. It doesn't take much to set me off. Like your husband, my husband is being Mr. Wonderful now. Too bad he couldn't have pulled out half that behavior a couple of years ago. The affair was the climax of years of him treating me like crap, and while I did stand up for myself on some things, I let way too much slide because it was important to me to give my kids a stable home life. I am afraid I will never get past the pain and hurt from this. I'm not on anti-depressants, I have Xanax, to take when the stress is just too much to live with.

I agree with the exit plan idea. I am staying, for now, but maybe not forever. I am working to put everything in place to know I will be ok if/when I leave. For several months after I found out, I felt trapped, and I couldn't see any way to put my life back together. I had put myself in a position to be very dependent on my husband, sacrificing a lot of things I wanted out of love for him, to help him get what he wanted. In hindsight I see how one sided this was. Since I started working on Plan B, it has really helped me have more good days than bad. I suggest you do whatever you need to get your power back. It won't fix this, but it should help you feel a little better to know you have options lined up, should you ever need them.

Good luck, and I am sorry for what you have been put through.

BTW, don't believe everything they say about revenge. I found out a lot about my husband's side dish, and when things are really bad for me, I throw out a little legal torture her way, and it makes me feel much better.