Crestfallen_KH Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 So the guy I started seeing (and have posted about from time to time) since December of last year and I finally called all aspects of our dating relationship quits. We had started as sort of a FWB, transitioned into a real relationship which was rocky at first, then broke up in April because he didn't have time for me. We continued dating casually and were still intimate with one another (the sexual chemistry was really intense) and this past weekend we agreed that we should just be friends - in the true sense of the word. It sounds silly - we broke up, but were the worst broken up couple in history. I went out on three dates, but none of them went anywhere and I ended up laughing about how horrible they were with him. We continued to sleep together, talk almost every day, and he even came over and helped me clean my house for my birthday party a couple of weekends ago. He initiated this final break. The goal is that we'll stay friends, but I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. He came over last night, got all of his stuff out of my apartment ("just in case," he said) and didn't hug me before he left, which he always used to do. I knew a long time ago we weren't going to be a couple that lasted. He had cheated before (which really bothered me), was insecure and defensive and we were both still burned from previous relationships. On top of that, he has a child and I don't want children or want to be a stepmom. So, I always knew this had a shelf life and he always knew I felt that way - I never mislead him in any way. But last night, when he left, I just bawled and bawled. And it was about him - about knowing he would never be in my bed again, that he was probably not going to contact me again and that we would never have sex again or never have another shot. Why does it hurt so much even though it was for the best?
motive2002 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I guess maybe you should focus on why it wouldn't work out. It's easy to pine for someone that doesn't want you. If he was all yours, would you really feel the same, knowing what you know about your compatibility? Think about it. I made the same mistake with my ex. She was so elusive that I was ready to quit my job, pick up stakes, move to the crummy Midwest (no offense to you Midwesteners) and play the role of step-dad. Big major, major changes in my life over someone I had seen for only 4 months. I'm surprised none of my friends whacked me upside the head, asking "what the hell do you think you're doing?" Perhaps you just need that type of perspective. Hope that helps.
Lippy2 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I think it hurts because you cared about him, even though you knew it wasn't gonna work out, you still care, your still human and as with any loss, you hurt. It's gonna take some time to heal.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 If he was all yours, would you really feel the same, knowing what you know about your compatibility? This is a really, really good point. No, I don't think I would. My ex-husband left me for another woman, and this guy was basically my first halfhearted attempt to meet someone else. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but on the first "date" he said "I am attracted to you." I think, just hearing that, made me desperate for more. And since the sexual chemistry was so great and he LIKED me, it was so, so hard to let go of him even though I knew we had no future. I'm probably mourning the loss of the sex, the companionship, the texting and having someone into me and desire me. That being said, I am also missing him. I do like him, care for him, desire him, and miss talking to him. But, he also aggravated me, frustrated me, does some crazy things and still doesn't have time for me. We broke up for all the right reasons. I guess you're right - I'll just try to focus on those moments of frustration. I just know it's going to take time. And it sucks that he might just be completely gone.
motive2002 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I'm probably mourning the loss of the sex, the companionship, the texting and having someone into me and desire me. That being said, I am also missing him. I do like him, care for him, desire him, and miss talking to him. But, he also aggravated me, frustrated me, does some crazy things and still doesn't have time for me. We broke up for all the right reasons. I am right there with you. All the things you said sound exactly like what I'm dealing with. i know it's all for the best, but damn do i miss being loved and attended to, both romantically and intimately. Yeah the sexual chemistry was dynamite in my scenario. Damn I miss that
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 I know! Ugh, I just want to call him up and ask him to please come over... Just one more time... *sigh* But no, then I wouldn't be respecting his decision. And I respect him, so I can't put that pressure on him or disrespect him like that. I guess it's good that he likely won't get in touch with me. Maybe he will down the line, but a break is probably best. Poop.
0hpenelope Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I guess you're right - I'll just try to focus on those moments of frustration. I just know it's going to take time. And it sucks that he might just be completely gone. I hear you on this one. I really, really do...
sedgwick Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 If he cheated on you in a relationship that lasted under six months, I'd say you're lucky to be rid of him!!
traveller991 Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Give yourself a little test ... do you want to be with him more now that you're apart than you did when you were with him?
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Sed - he cheated in a previous relationship; he never cheated on me. But since my ex-husband cheated on me, I was very sensitive to that. traveler - yes, I always want him more when I can't have him or he's busy and not around. Obviously the issue lies within me.
pandagirl Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Even when it is for the best, it still hurts. You get attached to someone, and then they're gone, which is the hardest part about relationships! I can't stand it. It breaks my heart every time. But, you've endured other break ups before. You are able to pick up the pieces and move on. It doesn't mean that you won't care about him, but you deserve better in a relationship and you will eventually realize that. You don't have to forget them, but you need to resolve within yourself to take the relationship for what it was -- a step towards something better and a life experience.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Yeah, I'm starting to feel a lot better today. I'm still sad, but I'm really starting to see and appreciate how necessary the breakup was. In a way, I'm a little relieved. My time is 100% my time again, and now I can focus on having fun, healing from my divorce, and taking better care of myself again.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 This is crazy. All day I've felt great, encouraged and even happy. Now I'm hoping he calls me, e-mails me - somethings me. Realistically, some time passing would be a good thing for us to actually be able to be friends. I think I just hate being ignored. I know he's thinking about me, possibly even having second thoughts (which wouldn't be good, it's true) but the silence sucks. I know it's only been a couple of days, but this is the longest we've gone without communicating somehow. I finally e-mailed him and asked him straight up if he still wants to be friends. If he needed some time, I said I would respect that, but if he wanted to cut ties, that I wished him the best. He's an attorney and had trial today and has his daughter most of tonight so I haven't expected to hear anything yet, but I just hope he isn't totally ignoring me. I just hate that feeling. Ugh, I'm going to go workout. I'll channel this energy and frustration into something positive at least!
9Lives Posted June 8, 2008 Posted June 8, 2008 This is crazy. All day I've felt great, encouraged and even happy. Now I'm hoping he calls me, e-mails me - somethings me. Realistically, some time passing would be a good thing for us to actually be able to be friends. I think I just hate being ignored. I know he's thinking about me, possibly even having second thoughts (which wouldn't be good, it's true) but the silence sucks. I know it's only been a couple of days, but this is the longest we've gone without communicating somehow. I finally e-mailed him and asked him straight up if he still wants to be friends. If he needed some time, I said I would respect that, but if he wanted to cut ties, that I wished him the best. He's an attorney and had trial today and has his daughter most of tonight so I haven't expected to hear anything yet, but I just hope he isn't totally ignoring me. I just hate that feeling. Ugh, I'm going to go workout. I'll channel this energy and frustration into something positive at least! I understand what you are saying. Silence is hard. I think you shouldnt email him anymore. Let me make a move. If he does not make a move, then you know he is going the course he is going now. Dont try to sway him one way or another. Just chill cause you will only make it worst. Believe me. I am living proof. I feel like **** but my tears are my best friend right now
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted June 9, 2008 Author Posted June 9, 2008 Hi, 9 - Well, I did leave him alone. I didn't get in touch with him anymore, but he responded to my e-mail. He said he still wanted to be friends, but it was just weird for him. We exchanged a few e-mails and he invited me to dinner that night. We had a nice talk about the relationship (he brought it up) and went our separate ways. We talked again last Friday (another good conversation) and he invited me out to the carnival with him and his daughter on Saturday. We all had a great time and it was a lot of fun. Then, he came over last night to watch some Venture Brothers and we had another good talk. And then, we ended up having sex... Ugh, and, at the same time "ooo boy." We are not back in relationship but neither of us regret the sex. It's just so hard because we both know we aren't ready for a relationship, neither of us wants to LOOK for a relationship, and we like each other and have good chemistry. It's the same issue it's always been... So I don't know what's going to happen here. I hope we can stay friends.
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