Nevermind Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I don't have many friends, and I pretty much kept all to myself during the mess. Outside of LS, there are few people who know (6) and most of them only know that there was a break-up and that's it. I did tell the entire story to one friend. She had trouble with her boyfriend a week later and I tried to help her as well as I could. All if well with them now, and she completely forgot my situation. I finally got an answer to an e-mail of mine (took her a week) and she just told me how awful her new roommates are because they are smoking in the bath room. She hopes all is great for me, kisses etc. I feel a bit irked by this. I helped her when she had trouble with her boyfriend, even though I had more than enough trouble myself. She does know what is going in my life but simply doesn't care. I know that my story doesn't entitle me to sympathy, but I feel irked because she is just going on about her problems and clearly expecting me to write back and show empathy for her. I just don't see myself doing it this time. I am tired. Is this related to the break-up? Do other people experience things like this, losing patience etc? Am I unreasonable?
LikeCharlotte Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Friends can be selfish at times. They usually don't mean it. My friends liked my ex and really thought that he was good for me. After the break up I talked to a few of them about it and they expressed concern and were a bit angry at him for not trying to work it out. I stopped being able to talk to them about because it became general consensus that if he was not going to be a friend to me he was an awful jerk. I couldn't talk about it because they were offended that he left and didn't consider me, my life or any of the people he came to know through me worthwhile. I came to LS to vent because my support system just didn't want to hear it anymore. Most of my friends just expect me to "get over it" because I've always been resilient in the past. i love my friends but they really don't get it this time around. I don't blame them. Don't take it to heart. Come to LS when you need help if you can't get it elsewhere. In the meantime help your friend if she needs it. Lead by example and maybe when shes feeling better you can tell her how you feel about being dismissed.
Karyyk Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Sometimes people just don't understand, and as much as I hate to admit it, I've had plenty of friends that weren't there for me, despite the fact that I had been there for them countless times. I'm a giver, the kind of person people naturally come to for advice, for some reason (I sure as heck don't get it...my life is pretty messed-up; I guess I exude some sense of (false?) stability...anyways...I got off-subject). I guess it figures. You aren't being unreasonable, not at all, but I will say that sometimes, when you're going through the worst of times, helping someone else can do wonders for yourself. I've been going through relationship hell for months (years if I'm honest...LDR), but helping someone else out has always been something I've been able to do. There are going to be times when you feel alone and forgotten by your friends, especially *AFTER* things get better for them, but it's still better for you in the long run. Of course, if this person has shown this to be a repeated pattern where you're being used, and offers nothing in return, maybe they're not much of a friend. I've had to burn bridges like that. Friendships can't be a one way street. BTW, I can relate to your situation. I'm a very private person in general, and I only talk to a handful of people (3 or 4) about my relationship woes, and only a couple of those in real detail. It's not easy to retreat within yourself, and it's even hard when you have to put on a "brave face" and act like everything is ok. That's one of the reasons I found LS. I hope things get better, in the due course of time.
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 You are not seeing things wrong, but you might be more sensitive to them now than you normally would. One thing I've noticed is that when you have a bad break up, you are a downer to friends that are in relationships ESPECIALLY ones that are having problems in their relationship. You are the black cat in their path; the bad omen or something contagious! Meanwhile, friends you were not previously as close with will become closer if they are going through a break up too. Single friends just know you are available to do more stuff or help them out in a pinch.
motive2002 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 The worst is when your friends, instead of just being empathetic, try to rationalize things from the ex's point of view, as if they were sticking up for them! Then there's the "buddies" that insist you should talk to the ex, tell them how you feel even though you know NC is better. Don't take it personally. They may really be trying to help, but just don't know how, or aren't real sensitive to your needs. Everyone has problems of their own, and for some reason a broken heart just doesn't rate as a serious issue, even though it hurts like hell. You might get more sympathy if you broke your leg, and that could actually be easier to handle than a broken heart
Author Nevermind Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Thank you! I am not angry at her anymore. After all, it's not her problem. She doesn't have real problems now, though. Except for roomies smoking in the bathroom, and I simply can't do anything against it. But when she will, I will be there for her.
justine4 Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Theres a saying in the North of England - "theres nowt as odd as folk", basically meaning theres nothing as strange as people. How true! I think after the initial 'hear you out session, and the "you poor thing, ah well, its his/her lost, theres plenty more fish in the sea" speach, a lot of friends don't want to hear as they have other things going on in their lives and also the breakup of another couple sometimes brings it home to people that, they too, might be in the position someday. Like other posters, I have always been looked upon as a 'strong' (whoopadeedoo!) person, who has coped with a lot of things and will be able to come through the breakup with flying colours. If I've heard 'you're strong' from one person, I've heard it from a dozen. However, I keep the heartwrenching reality (that i'm crumbling inside and really not coping very well at all) to my two best friends, who I know really are there for me, won't just listen and then get on with their own things, and who also know if things where the other way around, that I'd do the same (and have) for them. This forum is a great invention. However dreamt up the idea deserves a medal. Its a great way to get input from others in similar situations, without feeling you're imposing.
0hpenelope Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I don't have many friends, and I pretty much kept all to myself during the mess. Outside of LS, there are few people who know (6) and most of them only know that there was a break-up and that's it. I did tell the entire story to one friend. She had trouble with her boyfriend a week later and I tried to help her as well as I could. All if well with them now, and she completely forgot my situation. I finally got an answer to an e-mail of mine (took her a week) and she just told me how awful her new roommates are because they are smoking in the bath room. She hopes all is great for me, kisses etc. I feel a bit irked by this. I helped her when she had trouble with her boyfriend, even though I had more than enough trouble myself. She does know what is going in my life but simply doesn't care. I know that my story doesn't entitle me to sympathy, but I feel irked because she is just going on about her problems and clearly expecting me to write back and show empathy for her. I just don't see myself doing it this time. I am tired. Is this related to the break-up? Do other people experience things like this, losing patience etc? Am I unreasonable? I think it also has to do with your frame of mind. If you're not okay, then you can't really help anyone as much as you'd like to. Which is why when something goes wrong in our lives, our first priority should be ourselves. Otherwise, we'd be pretty much ineffective with a lot of things, if not everything else. This happened to me not too long ago, actually. I didn't mean for my friend to think that I didn't care or that I was mad at her, but I really didn't want to be her support or pretend that I'm being supportive of her - I had too much on my plate, I am short on patience when I'm not okay, and taking care of other people when I'm not well... no, no no. It doesn't work in 0hpenelope's world. When I'm not okay, everything that I touch becomes or stays not okay. I just kept quiet instead. And focused on healing me. LS is an awesome outlet, I agree.. I agree.
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