pandagirl Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 So, some of you have been following my latest dating saga, which ended up in me getting dumped, but all in all, a relatively painless, positive experience. The guy basically said I didn't give him the "x factor" feeling. Point taken, but then I told my good friend about his comment and she said: "Honestly, you just aren't that type of girl. You don't like drama. You're grounded and sane and sweet. You're never going to evoke that sort of passionate reaction from someone." Do you think lust and infatuation is built on drama? Is there any chance for a nice girl like me to find love?
Pyro Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 So, some of you have been following my latest dating saga, which ended up in me getting dumped, but all in all, a painful, positive experience. The guy basically said I didn't give him the "x factor" feeling. Point taken, but then I told my good friend about his comment and she said: "Honestly, you just aren't that type of girl. You don't like drama. You're grounded and sane and sweet. You're never going to evoke that sort of passionate reaction from someone." Do you think lust and infatuation is built on drama? Is there any chance for a nice girl like me to find love? You are not a "nice girl". You are a normal down to earth girl. You are the best of the best. Just hang tight because your type is rare and many great guys are out there just waiting to meet your type.
Author pandagirl Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Aw, thanks, Pyro. That was very sweet of you. In a previous thread I already mentioned this, but the ex said: "I feel like there is something wrong with ME, here you are this wonderful, nice girl." It's just not the type of thing you want to hear necessarily. Everyone always tells me: "I don't know why you are single!" blah. I'm not that normal. But, I would never go psycho girlfriend on anyone. However, I might start tap dancing in an elevator. I gave my number to a cute boy in the coffee shop today! He's from Germany and leaves on thursday. I know how to pick 'em!
Pyro Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Aw, thanks, Pyro. That was very sweet of you. In a previous thread I already mentioned this, but the ex said: "I feel like there is something wrong with ME, here you are this wonderful, nice girl." It's just not the type of thing you want to hear necessarily. Everyone always tells me: "I don't know why you are single!" blah. I'm not that normal. But, I would never go psycho girlfriend on anyone. However, I might start tap dancing in an elevator. I gave my number to a cute boy in the coffee shop today! He's from Germany and leaves on thursday. I know how to pick 'em! In todays age it seems like drama and BS are mainstream in the dating world. Down to earth laid back people are few and far between. You sound pretty normal, so just hang in there and try and meet guys who have a visa to live here.
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 PG - he gave you the, "Its not you, its me!" line. I wouldn't take it so literally.
Author pandagirl Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 PG - he gave you the, "Its not you, its me!" line. I wouldn't take it so literally. hahaha. Actually, when we first started dating I told him: If you ever break up with me and use the "its not you it's me line" i will kill you. and I guess he did sort of! haha.
Kamille Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Beg to differ. I worked hard to stop letting drama inform how I go about dating and find that being down to earth really pays off. And also helped me learn a lot about myself. My ex (dated 6 months) was absolutely charmed by down to earth drama-free me, as were two other guys I dated last summer (where I was the one who didn't feel the x-factor). There was also another guy I dated where we both agreed that the x-factor wasn't there for either one of us. It seems to me like there is to ways your thoughts could go about the way things ended: 1) The Wounded Ego Seeks Validation Route: It was something about you - or it confirms a fear you have about yourself, be it that you will never find love or that it is something about you yadiyadiya. Ego deludes you into thinking that there is a problem and that the problem is you (because, for your ego, it's all about you). 2) The Learn and Grow from this Experience Route. You handled this break up superbly, you have learned and grown from dating this man, and, besides, you want to meet a guy who will want a relationship that is drama-free. Route number 2 has the added advantage that in time, you will gain more confidence around men, because you will find dating easier. (The Wounded Ego Route is emotionally draining, let's face it). Please don't go down Wounded Ego Route. There is nothing wrong with you and the right guy for you will love you as yourself, not you acting like a drama queen to keep him on edge.
Art_Critic Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 PG - he gave you the, "Its not you, its me!" line. I wouldn't take it so literally. I agree.. PG.. he was just being nice himself.. trying not to hurt your feelings when he laid the your such a nice girl on you... I've used that line .. or one like it before when i just wanted to leave the girl without any hurt feels and also when I wanted to close the door... Don't let this guy bruise you..you are a great girl...
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 hahaha. Actually, when we first started dating I told him: If you ever break up with me and use the "its not you it's me line" i will kill you. and I guess he did sort of! haha. Well, yeah, he did. Just work through what you need to, but I wouldn't keep going back to why or how it ended.
Taramere Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I told my good friend about his comment and she said: "Honestly, you just aren't that type of girl. You don't like drama. You're grounded and sane and sweet. You're never going to evoke that sort of passionate reaction from someone." I think I know the type. Don't pay any heed to her.
Author pandagirl Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Great post, Kamille. You always say intelligent things. I am acutely aware of the two routes. The Wounded Ego Seeks Validation has been my default mode for years and years. I am able to turn anything into a negative thought and making myself think *I* am the problem and that *I* did something wrong. It hasn't been until recently that I started to go to therapy to stop these cognitive distortions, which have essentially handicapped many aspects of my life, especially dating, and it has led to the healthier, Route 2. It's still a battle between the two though. I switch back and forth between these two modes of thinking. When I'm feeling negative, I try to stop and think about the positive. When I think about the positive, I convince myself of the negative. But, slowly, the "Learn and Grow" route is becoming more comfortable. Also: I am usually the person who gets dumped in relationships. Whee. haha. But, for some reason, I'm also that girl that guys never forget and want me around. They always refer to me as: "you're the coolest girl I've ever met" or "you're one of my favorite peple in the world." ugh. WHY? Usually, I don't give them what they want though. DUNZO.
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