bluepoppy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 So what is it in a mans head that finds committment such an issue? Had a weird conversation at the weekend as boyfriend has come to realise this sort of committed by default - but can't deal with concepts of committment. and was basically letting me know that he couldn't really see us getting married, having chicklets, a mortgage or living together. This comes from I'm doing a lot of stuff about my future right now, had my property valued, have been applying for better jobs, thinking about doing my Msc - this kind of thing - so logically he thinks he's next, on my general life up-grade that's going on. (Background - we've been together for nearly 3 years, have had a few major rows, [including one people might remember about his driving - his licence got taken away, and his punishment is to have me drive everywhere] and figured out to resolve them but it wasn't easy, but it's not easy to resolve conflict - that's sort of the point- generally things are good, and we share a number of friendships and active lifestyle) Things that seem to be an issue a) The idea that all relationships end in resentment. (I dont' get this, after all it only needs to work once, and I believe that you create your own realities - if you believe you'll fail, you will - but he seems certain all things end, and end badly) b) He can't visuallise living anywhere but where he lives (this is bonkers, his flat is horrid, he rents and the roof will collapse before he does) c) He has a real fear of loss of freedom. (I tried to get him to explain this, and really didn't understand the things that were an issue for him - as he came up with trival examples of things we haven't been through, like wanting to skip dinner) d) his finances are a mess, and he doesn't see how he'll ever resolve them e) he doesn't want children (I was told over 6 years ago I can't have children, so this really isn't an issue - but when I said that, his response was you don't know if they were wrong or not, but knowing that I can't have children, I know I can't be with someone who definately wants family as I could only maybe have them) Anyway - it all seemed like he was trying to give me a list of reasons to dump him - which I'm thinking about - I'm not sure if I can live in a futureless world. (Particularly not now when that is a focus for me) But, on the other side, I know his life is better with me than it was without me, that we have a lot of fun -caring, sharing - and seem to be in love etc. So what is it that gets a man to go - hmm, I don't want to date anymore, I want to settle with this person - as love doesn't seem to be enough of a reason (at least not the one I'm dating). What makes a man commit ? And what exactly is so scary about it ?
Karyyk Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Honestly, I don't understand the commitment issue men seem to have. It's actually rather foreign to me, and in my experience, the women were the ones who didn't want to commit. Maybe it's the fear of commitment that keeps the ladies interested, I don't know. Then again, many of my female friends tell me that I don't think like a man when it comes to matters of the heart... Only two of the reasons he gave you resonate with some of the men I know, and those are the loss of freedom and not wanting to have children. Those make some sense I guess, as some guys want to do whatever they want to do (actually, make that people in general) and not have to deal with the consequences having a spouse and family add to that. A lot of guys also don't seem to want kids, although more often than not I think that has a lot more to do with the fear of not being a good father than it does a dislike for children. Oh yeah, and the loss of freedom. Every time I hear that given as a reason I have to ask myself, "So what exactly are you losing?" If I asked it out loud I doubt I'd get a very good answer. I don't know what makes the average guy commit. For me, when I love someone, truly love them, I'm ready to commit. End of story. That's commitment in mind, body, heart/soul and wallet. I'm a "what's mine is yours" kind of guy. Maybe the problem with most guys is that it takes a whole lot more time for them to get past the emotional side of love and reconcile it with their rational selves. They want commitment (aka marriage) to make sense to them fully, and I don't think that's the best way to view it.
fishtaco Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Some people want to commit, some people don't. Not gender specific. The trick is to find someone that feels the same way. This is actually really tough because sometimes you'll find someone that's perfect EXCEPT this little detail, which is actually a deal breaker. Sorry to stereotype, seems like a lot of Hispanic men feel the same way as Karyyk. They are into families, as in start their own, love kids. Maybe you can try dating a Hispanic guy. I'm the opposite. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, and decided at an early age I'm not interested in family or having kids of my own. This made dating tougher, but I do alright. I haven't changed my mind after all these years, even after dating single moms and experiencing the pseudo-family. Family life is just not for me. I feel it's better to find the right person than to find an almost right person, then force that person to change into the right person.
Krytie TV Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 1. What makes a man commit ? 2. And what exactly is so scary about it ? 1. Having accomplished what he needs to to feel comfortable with closing off all other oppportunities. This is far too person-specific to expound on. 2. Closing off all other options for relationships, sex, chase, and sometimes, not being either attracted or interested enough in the person in question to want to spend the rest of his time with her. It's usually that they don't want to commit to you... not necessarily a general lack of commitment. Just because I want to commit to someone, doesn't mean I would want to commit to every person that I date.
wolf359 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I don't think it's the idea of commitment so much as it is wanting the right commitment. At least that's how it is with me. There's nothing wrong with sizing a person up in that way as you spend time with them. But many times, you have people in both genders that have wedding bells going off in their heads by the third or fourth date, maybe sooner depending on the level of desperation. I'm all for being married, with kids being an acceptable option. If I were to have them, I'd do the best that I could: love them, sacrifice for them, lots of rough-housing... But if I married someone that didn't want them I would be ok with that too, because I don't have a kid-shaped void I'm needing to fill. My point is ultimately, you learn to spot those who are on a mission from day one, and it can be a little intimidating, definitely a turn-off.
Recommended Posts