anton.bhc Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Hello guys and gals, I have been in a relationship with a beautiful woman for nearly the past two years, but have realized that I may be the "other man". Due to a lack of information on the 'net about being the OM (and to my surprise found a whole forum dedicated to it here ), I come here to seek advice. First a little background information. SO had been in relationship with BF for seven years (i guess you could make it nine now) until he went to prison due to his alcohol/drug problems. He is still there and will be for another year. Bear in mind that when he went in, she had not guaranteed him anything in terms of a relationship, but she didn't exactly break up with him either. I had already known about their relationship when I met her and we had become very good friends; we both only agreed to continue the relationship when she told me that her BF was like a "drug" and could not continue staying with him. Only she didn't want to tell him she was leaving him because she did not want to hurt him while he is still in prison. She said: "I'll tell him when the time is right." She used to go visit him and I would be fine with that and supportive of her actions when she would support him, take his phone calls (I give her complete privacy when she talks to him), and regularly visit him. But she hasn't visited in the last six months. It was only because she had to drive 5 hours to visit him. Now she needs to drive two hours and she said that she will be visiting him this weekend. I saw how enthusiastic she became when she talked about how much closer he was, how much time he had left to getting out, and her commitment to help him get back on his feet. Call me paranoid, but I saw this enthusiasm as "the end coming near", and spending these last two years as "filling a void" in her life. We got into an argument about her going to visit BF this weekend and she says I am making a big stink over nothing. Though we have lived together for the last six months and have plans to buy a home within the next few months, she has told me that "if we weren't going to be together", we would not be living together. I guess my mistake was that I told her that she should go see him (just to see how he is) and she uses that as her leverage to go see him. Then I said that if I had said no, would she still go, and she said yes. I took this as her having no regard to my thoughts or feelings, but she knows that I am still supportive of everything she does. I just asked her for a bit of reassurance, but she claims she has reassured me enough. She told me not to worry. She's going to visit someone in prison, not going to have sex in a hotel room! (how she put it). I don't want to feel like she is just telling me what I want to hear and at the same time, I don't want to be selfish. I also love her, but don't want to put all my effort to something that won't lead to fruition. Should I worry, or just allow her to deal with her situation?
Owl Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 You need to set a boundary. Either she's in a relationship with you ALONE...or she's not. It sounds like she's having the best of both at the moment. She's still seeing him, still getting something out of that relationship...but she's got you as well. I say that you tell her point blank that you're either in a commited relationship with each other...which means she breaks it off with him COMPLETELY...NOW. Or she breaks it off with you, completely, now. Not complex...rather simple. Not easy, perhaps, but definitely simple.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Should I worry, or just allow her to deal with her situation? If you want to end this... make her pick and then hold her to it! Of course she is going to cheat on you if your foolish enough to allow it! Don't waste your love on someone that won't love you back.
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 her BF was like a "drug" This pretty much sums it up. If he isn't around, you will do fine - But as soon as he's back in her life, out of jail, she will be with him and not you. Please do yourself a favour and bow out now before you get even more hurt than you already are. She is addicted to HIM and who knows if she follows suit with what he does (drugs, drinking etc). They have been together for a long time and she does have deep feelings for him, they have a history and because of that, you can't compete. Say goodbye and tell her to call you if they officially break up and atleast 6 months goes by (she needs to be alone for a while) then date her. If you stick around, your heart is gonna be broken. Her actions, her body language, her excitement, all of it says she is into him.
GPFan Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 we both only agreed to continue the relationship when she told me that her BF was like a "drug" and could not continue staying with him. I picked up on this too. Red flag here! Only she didn't want to tell him she was leaving him because she did not want to hurt him while he is still in prison. She said: "I'll tell him when the time is right." You don't mention children. How can she 'hurt him' when he is in prison? Fact is he hurt her by behaving in a manner that got him placed behind bars. Why should she have to deal with that plus the fallout (lack of job opportunities, reporting to a parole officer, possibly re-engaging in criminal behaviour) after he is released? Another big red flag! I saw how enthusiastic she became when she talked about how much closer he was, how much time he had left to getting out, and her commitment to help him get back on his feet. Call me paranoid, but I saw this enthusiasm as "the end coming near", and spending these last two years as "filling a void" in her life. She is still in love with him. Though we have lived together for the last six months and have plans to buy a home within the next few months... Sure, buy a home with her as long as you are OK with him living in it eventually. ...she has told me that "if we weren't going to be together", we would not be living together. *sarcasm on* Which are you going to believe? Her words or your lying eyes and ears and gut? *sarcasm off* Should I worry, or just allow her to deal with her situation?Worry and take steps to protect yourself. Was his crime violent?
Author anton.bhc Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Thanks for the quick replies and setting me back into reality. I shouldn't have to feel like I am at the "losing end" of the relationship; and at times I feel she is taking advantage of it. Sure, I can understand that her needs come before mine, but don't we have to make compromises in order to have a meaningful relationship and to make it work? I hate when she is very hypocritical of her statements. Though at times we are talking about establishing a future together, I ask her what BF is going to do about his life because he I am genuinely concerned. And then she says she does NOT want to deal with the parole and the authoritative invasion and what she will go through IF she were to stay with him. I always then say, "If you are still talking about it, then you are still considering staying with him." Of course, she denies it. Right now, I am not letting this be of any visible concern to her. Our anniversary is coming up (on the 23rd) and the remembrance of this day should be significant for us, not just me (when I asked her when it was, she didn't know what day it was "June or July SOMETHING"). If it ends up feeling that way, then I am out the door. oh and BTW, BF is in prison for committing robberies to fuel his addiction(s).
OWoman Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 She sounds to me like a co-dependent. She's looking to you to save her, while she's trying to save her BF. Forgive my cynicism, but I don't see this ending without tears. She had the perfect opportunity to dump him when he went to jail. She's kept him on a string - and you too. The guy is a loser, but she stays with him. Do you really want to be with someone who's choosing to be around a loser - what does that say about how she sees you? Are you OK with that?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Why are you this chick in the first place?!?!?! She sounds like a freaking nutjob! Let her boyfriend deal with her, are they're no other women that are single with no baggage you can get with!? What the hell is wrong with you? Where's your self respect?
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Why are you this chick in the first place?!?!?! He's a "chick"? I thought he was a "dude".
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