sunshinegirl Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 This is a very weird way to look at a breakup, but my sister suggested that I draw a decision tree for how our relationship might have progressed had we not broken up. A decision tree basically asks you to draw a picture of the difference chance/choice moments you face, and to assign values/probabilities of each moment happening. So I drew out my decision tree for my relationship w/ E. It included various nodes along the way where I might have dumped him instead, but also a branch that included engagement/marriage and a "happily married" endpoint (there was also an "unhappily married" endpoint). When I assigned the probabilities to each branch, and calculated everything out, it appears that I would have had between 2%-4% chance of being happily married to him. The decision tree forced me to remember that I was having doubts myself. Even while I was dreaming of our wedding, a voice in my head was worried that I would be having second thoughts at my own bridal shower. And my doubts were all related to stuff that I've bemoaned in my epiphany thread...his lack of emotional engagement/connection and inability to communicate, which was not only with me but with everyone in his life. His walls are just so high as to be impenetrable - even for me, who he claimed to be the person who got him talking the most out of anyone in his life. You might try doing a decision tree yourself - it really forces you to get honest about what YOU would do at various points along the way in the relationship, and to think about how YOU would feel about the relationship at those points. Google "decision trees" for info on how to construct one.
motive2002 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 This is interesting. Where did your sister get the idea? I guess the old saying really sticks. They are an ex for a reason.
Lookingforward Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 This is a very weird way to look at a breakup, but my sister suggested that I draw a decision tree for how our relationship might have progressed had we not broken up. A decision tree basically asks you to draw a picture of the difference chance/choice moments you face, and to assign values/probabilities of each moment happening. So I drew out my decision tree for my relationship w/ E. It included various nodes along the way where I might have dumped him instead, but also a branch that included engagement/marriage and a "happily married" endpoint (there was also an "unhappily married" endpoint). When I assigned the probabilities to each branch, and calculated everything out, it appears that I would have had between 2%-4% chance of being happily married to him. The decision tree forced me to remember that I was having doubts myself. Even while I was dreaming of our wedding, a voice in my head was worried that I would be having second thoughts at my own bridal shower. And my doubts were all related to stuff that I've bemoaned in my epiphany thread...his lack of emotional engagement/connection and inability to communicate, which was not only with me but with everyone in his life. His walls are just so high as to be impenetrable - even for me, who he claimed to be the person who got him talking the most out of anyone in his life. You might try doing a decision tree yourself - it really forces you to get honest about what YOU would do at various points along the way in the relationship, and to think about how YOU would feel about the relationship at those points. Google "decision trees" for info on how to construct one. Hmmm - I've used them for ROI analysis , never thought to use them for a relationship, although assigning the % probability variables may prove a tad more subjective for this Thanks for the thought provoking post SG
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 This is interesting. Where did your sister get the idea? I guess the old saying really sticks. They are an ex for a reason. I don't know...we've done decision tree analysis in our line of work from time to time. Maybe that's where. I think she was trying to help me realize/internalize the truth that he simply was not able to make me happy. So having me do the analysis myself, maybe, would help drive that fact home.
replicator Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 That is a great idea.. I think that'll come in handy for my own personal future planning as well. Thanks for sharing.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Hmmm - I've used them for ROI analysis , never thought to use them for a relationship, although assigning the % probability variables may prove a tad more subjective for this Thanks for the thought provoking post SG It's for sure more subjective. I played around with the different probabilities, and even in the most optimistic scenario where I married him despite my misgivings, we still only had a 4% chance of lasting happiness. For whatever that's worth. Maybe that's the beauty of it - you can plug in the most optimistic chances ever, and it will still kick back to you a sobering reality. For a numbers geek like me, the decision tree hit home more than I would have thought. To be sure, I am still struggling, big time. But I am somewhat less convinced now that we ever could have worked well together. (This DOESN'T yet mean that I am cool with him 'working well' with anyone else, namely the stupid hooch he left me for!!!)
Trialbyfire Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Whoah, this is an interesting way to analyze a relationship success/failure. Dare I ask what set of algorithms you used? I'm teasing. This is pretty cool.
sedgwick Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Wow, you actually sat down and figured all that out? Just looking at those things makes my head spin. You math people and your math!
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