Mu Husband of 15 years slept with my younger sister

[Ariadne]

Someone who makes a promise and then takes a big, ol' dump on it? That's important to me, yes.

 

Some things cannot be forgotten. It's not like he forgot to take out the trash.

 

And who are you, the police of morality?

 

Do you think you are perfect?

 

This is all about ego and ego's control.

 

And not about love.

[luvmy2ns]

And who are you, the police of morality?

 

Do you think you are perfect?

 

This is all about ego and ego's control.

 

And not about love.

 

And eventually the discussion goes south just because someone takes a stand on what they will tolerate from the person they are supposed to be able to trust the most in all the world?

 

And who the f do you think you are? The decision maker for all relationships?

 

Sorry if you have no self esteem and would tolerate broken promises and lies, but don't take it out on the rest of us.

 

Now, back to the OP. How do you feel? Do you think you could ever trust him again? Could you look him in the face while you make love and not be reminded of what he's done? You have lots to ponder in the upcoming days. But we're here for you. And if you decide you cannot forgive and forget, don't let anyone here tell you it's because your ego is oversized.

[twice_shy]

And who are you, the police of morality?

 

What does her stance on people breaking promises to her and not being able to forget certain things in life have anything to do with morality?

[luvmy2ns]

What does her stance on people breaking promises to her and not being able to forget certain things in life have anything to do with morality?

 

THANK you! Someone else (and everyone on this thread besides her) gets it.

[twice_shy]

And not about love.

 

Judging by your posts, I'd say you don't know the first thing about love.

[tinktronik]

Okay, back to the original topic please. :D

[SugarKiss]

You seem really calm about the entire incident and I find that really odd.

You found your husband and sister in bed together and you just went to sleep as if nothing happened and then gave them dirty looks in the morning?

 

Sorry to say but it almost seems like you are not all that bothered or surprised.

[Mary3]

Its a pretty well known fact that if a man is so drunk he can't see straight then the his penis has a tendancy to be quite flacid and soft. With huge amounts of alcohol , most penises don't work quite right. Hence the " I was soooooooo drunk I did not know I was f**** her " Yeah right...

 

Another thing to consider . A total blackout means you have drank to such a high degree that you really don't remember much but usually prior to blackouts violent behavior is exhibited . This person has not * lost * consciousness. They just lose the * time * .

 

Did they know what they were doing ? YES

 

Did they do it before ? Likely YES

 

Does he have feelings for her ? Maybe YES

 

Did he lust after her ? YES

[theobserver]

First thing, the problem when cheating from a spouse is from a family member the first thing you have to do especially if it's a sibling that (especially in this case) is to just have it out and then be civil family is family even if your sister is one nasty ass b*tch who couldn't keep her panties on.

 

Don't worry about if she gets pregnant if she does you know what she'll just have to deal with that when the road comes to it. You need to focus on your husband the one who made the vow, the one who broke the vow. The man who has disrespected you in the most horrible way. This isn't some random chick he met at the bar this is your sister. Trust me if he hasn't already been sleeping with her then he's been planning this for a long time. He is not the man you thought you knew. He never was.

 

Do not fall for any speeches on "we need to work on this for the children" and get any thoughts like that out of your mind. The worse thing you can do is to stay together after a betrayal like this. You will never trust him again, and the fighting that WILL HAPPEN will be devastating to your children to witness. Even if you did not fight they would easily pick up on the vibes. There's no need to tell them what happened unless something comes out try to keep it civil when they're around explain mommy and daddy are seperating but you both love them very much. My Father cheated on my mother when she was 8 months pregnant. I would of hated if she would of stuck with him for being happy familys and I would resent her. I love my father of course but I 100% understand my mothers actions to seperate and respect her so much more then I already did when she told me.

 

File for divorce, get everything you can out of this man. As said you'll have to move in with your mother so be it suck it up try to get back on your feet during this.

Try not to resent your sisters children they are innocent (because believe me there may be times you want to lash out, which is why I mentioned you need to get this out with your sister ) dear god make sure your sister doesnt try to hookup with your husband permanently assure her that no man thats going to cheat n his wife with her sister is good news he will do it again, I'm sure you realise this.

 

 

Let your soon to be ex-husband still have contact with the children if he wishes or the courts decide (which they will) dn't fall for any charming he may do, there's no need to waste the rest of your life with this man you have been granted freedom by a higher power. Freedom to see this man for who he is.

 

The news years are going to be tough but when you feel comfortable if you wish you can start a new career or start dating again (maybe both), find a man(or woman I don't know) that can treat you with the respect you deserve and your children that person is out there for you.

 

I'm sure you understand your mothers situation I'm glad your not too hard on her. For some parents they still have to be loving and caring even if their child is a mass murder/rapist but believe me she has lost some respect for your sister but you might never see it for the same of paternal love.

 

Good luck in the rest of your life.

[vintagecat]

What a big fat mess. I don't understand how you could have left the situation till later to address but you did so now you need to figure out what you want to do and don't let either of them buffalo you out of addressing the situation. Neither of the other parties are in any position to make any demands so you drive the bus and alcohol isn't any kind of excuse.

 

I agree with getting a good marriage and family counselor. If you don't know one ask for referrals from the public mental health provider in your community. Ask a couple of sources and when you hear the same name several times, book an immediate appointment. If you can't afford a counselor, often large employers will have free counseling services on a short term basis. Check with your or spouses human affairs office. There may also be free or prorated public services for those that can't afford regular counseling in your area.

 

Finally now might be too soon to decide what to do. You have children. You need to let this all sink in. Husband needs to sleep elsewhere until you figure it all out, no arguments or compromise. You need to figure out several things including whether you can trust your husband and whether you want to save your marriage. And what you want to do about your sister and how to deal with this in the context of your greater family? You might think it's a no brainer that everyone in your family will agree and side with you but it doesn't always work logically in families with baggage and you now have some serious baggage.

 

Good luck to you. I feel for you. Now take go take charge.

[Everdine]

I have read all the advices given by you guys and feel much better about the decision I am making

 

I think that for my own sanity I need to get out of this marriage and as soon humanly possible.

And for SugarKiss !!!! have you had your husband cheat on you ??? if you have I’m sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time, if you haven’t how would you know how I should or shouldn’t react? I have been shocked beyond comprehension, I idealized my husband and thought the world of him… he has also been my “rock” at least I thought so. I NEVER thought that he would do something like this he is always telling anyone who would listen that he would NEVER cheat on his wife or even go to strip club cause it’s not his “scene” My life has changed over night. And maybe I am a different kind of person would they have listened to me in their “state” (remember they were drunk) I think it would have been a waste of time to attack them right there and then. I was better to get them after when everyone is sober. I handled the situation with extreme calmness, I did not scream or through a full on tantrum, I spoke calmly and they never knew for one second that I was absolutely broken inside. I think the way I handled the whole confrontation was the best I could do. And I think that is what tough on them, they most likely expected me to be hysterical and out of control. However, I had what they call the element of surprise. I have made my decision and I am leaving with my kids in toe, I will never keep the children from him no matter if he was a BAD husband or not he was and still is a excellent farther and I feel that boys need their dads. This is a very difficult situation and I am not able to fall out of love with him overnight. I will love him for a long time to come, but forgiveness is still along time away. Maybe someday many years from now I’ll meet some else and I have to take a chance again on that person and who knows if he’ll do the same there is no guarantee

[luvmy2ns]

Come here and talk to us any time you want. Of course this will be a difficult time, but you will make it.

 

Do you have your own job? If not, you make sure to get every penny of alimony you can. It's not retribution, it's called self preservation (and that of your children). This goes beyond child support. When a couple has made the decision that one will stay home and take care of the kids, whether it be the husband or the wife, then when a divorce is in the offing, the working half needs to understand that it is going to take time for the non-working one to get back into the work force. The court will most certainly understand. The economy sucks right now. What you need to focus on is taking care of your children and yourself. Child support doesn't take into account anything but the kids.

 

Make sure you get a good attorney, and don't allow your love for your H to cloud your judgment when it comes to splitting assets and such. This is all business, and you MUST think of yourself and your kids only. If I were going through a divorce, I would file and allow the court to MAKE him move out, because they will. That will make it easier for you to get the house in the D proceedings as the continuity of where the children have been living/still live has not changed, and the court is loathe to change that.

 

You sound like a strong woman. Good. You will have low points; crying in the shower is good and cathartic and the kids won't hear. But slowly you will regain YOURSELF, and the tide will turn and you will laugh and - yes - love again.

 

Good luck hon.

[bobenna]

Woah Everdine, way to handle the situation. Sounds like you are being very mature about it, good on you! That must be so difficult. I would be in a rampage...

[vintagecat]

Good luck to you. Keep folks posted on your progress. No you won't quit loving him overnight, it takes time to work through all that you have on your plate. It's just a shame that the man you loved and trusted had so little honor or good judgement. All the best to you....

[Haloandhorns85]

That's terrible, cast them both from your life. But let me also open this can of worms - a brother would never do it to his brother. It's a female competitiveness thing.

 

 

Yes, they do. Seen it myself.

[Haloandhorns85]

Yeah,

 

That's tough.

 

You handled it pretty well though.

 

Hopefully he won't try and dump you for your sister. Since she broke up with her husband and all.

 

If he doesn't then you are ok. Just forget about it.

 

The guy found a young chick that gave him the time of day and had a good time.

 

 

What?!?! Are you serious? "Hopefully he won't try and dump you for your sister."!! Omg...it's more like he better hope she won't dump him and tell her sister she can have the piece of sh*t!

 

And saying if he doesn't you are ok,..just forget about it....holy cow...you give the worst advice ever.

 

He is married. For 15 years. And just because he found a young chick that gave him the time of day and had a good time DOES NOT justify this betrayal.

 

OP: DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS POSTER! BAD ADVICE!!

 

Leave him. There is no good reason to cheat on you, much less with your own sister!!!! And like other posters have said, I think I'd have one less person to claim as a family member.

[Haloandhorns85]

A steak dinner? Motorcycle ride? What are we 2 years old? As an adult we are to make decisions and exert some impulse control. Men aren't aliens from some different planet, they have impulse control too.

 

 

Not to mention, he is an adult. Take responsibility for your actions, drunk or not. Alcohol is no excuse. Why get that drunk in the first place? Some people just don't know when to say no to the next drink.

[stillafool]

I just read your thread and I'm even pissed for you. You poor thing. Your sister is the worst kind of skank there is and if I were you I would never, ever, speak to her again. As far as your h is concerned what a low-life and I hope you are leaving his ass. No amount of alcohol can erase memories from your mind and I'm getting sick of people saying "I was drunk". No they did this because they wanted to and I guarantee you there was flirting going on behind your back between them for a while. You sound like a good person and you deserve better. If your h would stoop so low as to sleep with your sister God only knows what else he is capable of.