michelangelo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Me dial it down? You are the one that can't seem to realize that she did nothing wrong and say nothing about what he did to her. I realize what she did is worse than what she did, but what she did was not so innocent. She was indulging in reconnecting with an old lover. For awhile, it seemed like fun to her. it is well and great that the OP pulled the plug on the idiot from the past who was trying to get laid, but let's be honest a bout what was going on. Short circuited by guilt and to be sure, a great thing. I suppose I could go on and on about the OP's husband, but I didn't think it was necessary. I just didn't appreciate being told what I was supposed to write by someone presuming to know how i was thinking.
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I realize what she did is worse than what she did, but what she did was not so innocent. She didn't do anything wrong. And even if you think she did, she nipped it in the bud quickly. But you still are digging.
Owl Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Twice Shy, MoparCrazy wrote the following in response to another poster's suggestion that her involvement with a previous BF was likely an EA: I did not even come close to having a PA w/ this guy even though I know he would jumped at the chance in a heart beat but I wont diagree w/ you on the EA but I stopped it b4 it became too much. Her H was apparently aware of this, and a good part of what's going on is very possibly traceable back to massive damage to his self-worth based on not recovering from this event eight years ago (three years prior to his PA). I'm NOT saying this is all MC's fault...not at all. I'm saying that their marriage is plagued with unresolved issues and is not recovered from EITHER affair. Ergo, the need for some good, solid marriage counseling to help them work through that and improve communications between the two of them as well.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Well of course. Especially after your H cheated on you. A cheating spouse is a self-esteem killer. But it sounds as if you were fine in the self-esteem realm since you didn't cheat and stopped the inappropriate contact. I wonder what your husband's response would be if you told him, "cutting off inapropriate contact with someone is a helluva lot better than you going off and f####g another woman". How would he like it if you threw that in his face every time he turned around. He'd better be thanking his lucky stars that you aren't. But he throws this in your face, maybe you need to let him know how it feels, then have a conversation about it. Yes, his A did destroy my self-esteem, especially since it was some factory bicycle. It was hard enough he wanted to destroy our M b/c of his A but he chose some easy skank from work that had been pursuing in him for years. Yea, it was a self-esteem killer. Maybe what I did was wrong by chatting w/ an ex lover but I did stop it when it became inappropriate. He didn't stop himself from screwing the xOW. I had a conscience and my conscience said it was wrong so I stopped it. His EA probably started months, if not a year, b4 his PA. My "EA" (if that is what ppl want to call it) lasted a few weeks. I never led onto the guy I wanted something w/ him again. I guess I am confused why some are saying this is an EA? Why is it an EA if he was the one that was saying inappropriate things when I put a stop to it? I guess my H has had other A's in his past by women hitting on him and one saying "If you weren't M I would take you home." I agree w/ what you are saying TS.
MarriedLife Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If my H thinks I am going to cheat b/c he did then maybe he needs to end the M b/c I can't/wont live this way the rest of my life. And every guy that talks to me I get the "Did you f@ck him?" question when the guy walks off. WTF? I didn't sleep w/ every guy I went out w/. Sure, I wasn't an angel but damn it, it gets old. Your H doesn't know who you are. If he did he wouldn't ask such questions. You two need to get to know one another again. He needs to open up to you and really explain his fears. You need to open up to him and be as honest as you can. You two will learn a lot about each other in the process. You'll grow closer. He'll feel confident knowing that NO MAN can give you what he gives you and you'll feel the same about other women. Your relationship will become an "us" against the world mentality. It works.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 So did you realize that the guy from the past was just trying to pry apart your knees with anything that would work? Or were you getting sucked into the charm of it? Oh I am sure he was trying to "pry my knees apart" but it's kind of hard when ya live 150 miles from him and through emails and chat. There was no way I was going to meet up w/ him. Sure, he was a charming guy, that is why he was so popular w/ the ladies, but I wasn't going there again. I don't even know why he thought I would sleep w/ him again, especially since we were both M.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Do you realize that her husband already pried someone's knees apart during their marriage and she had enough respect for the marriage to tell the other man to stop with the inappropriate conversation? Oh beleive me, there was no prying her knees apart. She was more than willing to open her legs for him at the drop of a hat.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 You should always be able to share anything with your spouse. But NOW that you know he can't handle it perhaps you shouldn't in the future. I would tell him: 1) Get your act together with counseling, self-help books, or whaterver because the future of our R depends on it. 2) I can no longer share intimate details with you because you obviously cannot handle them and that might put some distance between us. 3) It wouldn't hurt for YOU to flirt with ME so that I know you're still crazy about me and I will never ever be tempted again to receive those kinds of compliments from anyone else in the future. Well, I can't control what another man says to me but I can tell him I find it inappropriate and that is what I did. I failed to mention (and I do apologize) that we left the wedding early b/c the kids were getting bored and we had been there awhile. I should have just told the kids to deal w/ it but I guess one of the reason why I did want to go was b/c of the other guy. On the way home dh did say "If you want to go back you can but I'm not going b/c I want to get some rest b4 I go into work." Now, maybe he said that b/c he knew I probably wouldn't go back, or he said it b/c maybe he actually does trust me, I don't know. H does flirt w/ me so that isn't an issue. I know we seriously need to sit down and talk about this. If he refuses then I give up and maybe it's just best the M ends. If he doesn't want to try to work on this problem he must not care about the M enough.
White Flower Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Well, I can't control what another man says to me but I can tell him I find it inappropriate and that is what I did. I failed to mention (and I do apologize) that we left the wedding early b/c the kids were getting bored and we had been there awhile. I should have just told the kids to deal w/ it but I guess one of the reason why I did want to go was b/c of the other guy. On the way home dh did say "If you want to go back you can but I'm not going b/c I want to get some rest b4 I go into work." Now, maybe he said that b/c he knew I probably wouldn't go back, or he said it b/c maybe he actually does trust me, I don't know. H does flirt w/ me so that isn't an issue. I know we seriously need to sit down and talk about this. If he refuses then I give up and maybe it's just best the M ends. If he doesn't want to try to work on this problem he must not care about the M enough. You should definitely share the bolded part with him at the very least. This is obviously very important to you. Good luck hon.
michelangelo Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Oh I am sure he was trying to "pry my knees apart" but it's kind of hard when ya live 150 miles from him and through emails and chat. There was no way I was going to meet up w/ him. Sure, he was a charming guy, that is why he was so popular w/ the ladies, but I wasn't going there again. I don't even know why he thought I would sleep w/ him again, especially since we were both M. 150 miles is hardly a concern for a guy on the prowl. if he thought he had a chance, he'd have acted like "he was just in the neighborhood." As for being married? No impediment there for a lot of people. I'm glad it is for you
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I was involved in a R w/ a man during my HS years. He was 5 years older than myself. What started out as friendship turned into more of a FWB thing. I did love him, very much and he knew this but he had a live in GF. It ended when I moved away to college. FF to 12 years later he contacts me via email. What starts as friendly, catching up turns into him being flirtatious and talking about meeting up in our hometown, no one would know. Of course I said no, we were both M. After I told him I was starting to get uncomfortable he apologized and shortly after that he stopped contacting me, but b4 he called me and I told him I could not talk b/c my mil was there. I deleted all contacts and told H. He was not happy but I felt too guilty not saying anything. It's been 8 years since he has contacted me. H still brings him up once in awhile but not too often. Well, he was brought up this weekend b/c he was at a wedding we were at. I could see the anger and jealousy in H's eyes. I told him he really needs to calm down, grow up, or he'll need to leave. I was not going anywhere, it was my niece's wedding! He knew this day was coming, we knew about the wedding for about a year and we knew this guy would be there b/c he is family to the groom. He finally calms down after every one ate. I understand he was upset EIGHT years ago but he really needed to let it go. Nothing happened and I know women have flirted w/ him in the past and I didn't act all angry when they were around. What I did was think that I was proud to have such a good looking H that other women wanted to be w/. My sil even said that my H should be proud that another man finds me attractive enough to want to have an A w/. I would have NEVER had an A w/ this guy. One b/c of his W, and two b/c of my H. What I find hypocritical is that my H actually did have an A 5 years ago and I am not even as angry at the OW as he is w/ this guy. I am so tired of my H;s jealousy! He has always been this way. The answer is simple: It's guilt.Guilt is casuing him to act this way, inside of him he knows he screwed up, he probably feels his actions made it okay for you to retaliate. he's lashing out in fear. That's all. If you want him to calm, just keep reassuring that this friend is not a threat. Your husband needs counciling.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 150 miles is hardly a concern for a guy on the prowl. if he thought he had a chance, he'd have acted like "he was just in the neighborhood." As for being married? No impediment there for a lot of people. I'm glad it is for you Well, he would have wasted a lot of gas, money, and time b/c he wouldn't have gotten anything from me. I know some ppl don't care if someone is M or not, they want someone they are going to go after it and that is exactly what my H xOW was like, even admitted it to me.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 The answer is simple: It's guilt.Guilt is casuing him to act this way, inside of him he knows he screwed up, he probably feels his actions made it okay for you to retaliate. he's lashing out in fear. That's all. If you want him to calm, just keep reassuring that this friend is not a threat. Your husband needs counciling. CB, I think you are confused but if you aren't I apologize. This guy contacted me 3 years prior to my H's own A. Ya know, the more I think about THAT part of it all how could he have done that to me? He was hurt and angry just by the emails and chats but yet he had a full blown EA and PA shortly after that? Did he not think about how I would have felt? Did he not sit back and think " It really hurt me when her xlover contacted her, how would this make HER feel if she knew I was having inappropriate R w/ this co-worker?" NO, he f@cking didn't! Oh this just burns me up. Ya know, I wish we would have stayed separated longer than six months and I would have joined LS then b/c honestly, after what I have learned here I probably would have never taken him back. I trusted him, thought he would change. Part of him has, but the jealousy continues. I am talking to him and it's going to be a serious talk. He needs to seek counseling and figuring out WHY he is so insecure. He admitted that he is insecure but he needs to figure out why and how to deal w/ it. If we need to seek MC I will.
twice_shy Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 CB, I think you are confused but if you aren't I apologize. This guy contacted me 3 years prior to my H's own A. Ya know, the more I think about THAT part of it all how could he have done that to me? He was hurt and angry just by the emails and chats but yet he had a full blown EA and PA shortly after that? Did he not think about how I would have felt? Did he not sit back and think " It really hurt me when her xlover contacted her, how would this make HER feel if she knew I was having inappropriate R w/ this co-worker?" NO, he f@cking didn't! Oh this just burns me up. Ya know, I wish we would have stayed separated longer than six months and I would have joined LS then b/c honestly, after what I have learned here I probably would have never taken him back. I trusted him, thought he would change. Part of him has, but the jealousy continues. I am talking to him and it's going to be a serious talk. He needs to seek counseling and figuring out WHY he is so insecure. He admitted that he is insecure but he needs to figure out why and how to deal w/ it. If we need to seek MC I will. If I may ask, why did you stay with him after he cheated? More to the point, after he cheated and still acts like he has some right to be jealous? If I had cheated on someone, I'd think I'd be freakin' forever humble and would try to steer clear of being a hypocrite.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 If I may ask, why did you stay with him after he cheated? More to the point, after he cheated and still acts like he has some right to be jealous? If I had cheated on someone, I'd think I'd be freakin' forever humble and would try to steer clear of being a hypocrite. Well, we were going through a D. He left me for the xOW. He said she wasn't the full reason but was part of it. After about 2.5 months after he told me he wanted a D and our children and I moved away he contacted me. He admitted to the A and wanted to work on the M. I wasn't going to at first. I told him that I could never trust him again and after what he did, the hurt, the pain he put me through I don't think I could stayed M to him. He asked me if we could give it one more chance and if I decided it wasn't going to work that I couldn't forgive him for the A we would get D. We stayed separated for 6 months. We told our attorneys we were going to try to R but wanted to keep the D proceedings open until we decided what we wanted. He sought IC to find out why he had the A, etc. I went to IC myself to help to see if I could get help if it was the right thing to do or not. Now I am thinking maybe we should have stayed separated longer. He did however show a lot of remorse for what he did but his jealousy isn't helping. And after he had an A w/ someone and I took him back to try to repair the damage HIS A cost ya think he wouldn't be such a jealous, insecure jerk. If anyone should be a jealous insecure jerk it's me for what he put me through.
twice_shy Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Well, we were going through a D. When did this happen? Just recently after posting this story?? He left me for the xOW. He said she wasn't the full reason but was part of it. Ya, and he had a right to be jealous about you CLEARLY stopping anyting inappropriate. What a jackass. After about 2.5 months after he told me he wanted a D and our children and I moved away he contacted me. He admitted to the A and wanted to work on the M. I wasn't going to at first. I told him that I could never trust him again and after what he did, the hurt, the pain he put me through I don't think I could stayed M to him. He asked me if we could give it one more chance and if I decided it wasn't going to work that I couldn't forgive him for the A we would get D. And it ended up that he couldn't forgive you for something that wasn't even an issue as far as I'd be concerned and something FAR less than what he did. Looks like this xOW is in for one hell of a roller coaster ride. We stayed separated for 6 months. We told our attorneys we were going to try to R but wanted to keep the D proceedings open until we decided what we wanted. He sought IC to find out why he had the A, etc. And what was the excuse...ahem, I mean reason why he thinks he had the affair? I went to IC myself to help to see if I could get help if it was the right thing to do or not. Now I am thinking maybe we should have stayed separated longer. He did however show a lot of remorse for what he did but his jealousy isn't helping. And after he had an A w/ someone and I took him back to try to repair the damage HIS A cost ya think he wouldn't be such a jealous, insecure jerk. Ya, you'd think. Thats why I said if I had done that to someone, I'd be damn humble and would have learned a lesson in humility. If anyone should be a jealous insecure jerk it's me for what he put me through. You aren't wrong there. But you weren't Being divorced from him is a good thing.
Lookingforward Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Being divorced from him is a good thing. but she's not - that's the problem
twice_shy Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 but she's not - that's the problem But she will be. She said they are going through a D. I just hope she doesn't backslide and give him yet another chance. he doesn't deserver it. Besides, she already said he is leaving her for the xOW. So let him be her problem now, and vice versa.
White Flower Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 But she will be. She said they are going through a D. I just hope she doesn't backslide and give him yet another chance. he doesn't deserver it. Besides, she already said he is leaving her for the xOW. So let him be her problem now, and vice versa. I think she meant he WAS leaving her for the OW a long time ago when it The A) was still happening. Am I right MC? I totally understand that YOU should be the one with jealousy issues (not that you should be but anyone could understand if you were) and NOT your H. Perhaps because he would take cheating from a fantasy to reality, he thinks that you would do the same. Because he would jump at the chance at the first offer of a fling, that you would (the guy at the wedding). I think he is projecting his own crap onto you, sadly.
hotgurl Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 But she will be. She said they are going through a D. I just hope she doesn't backslide and give him yet another chance. he doesn't deserver it. Besides, she already said he is leaving her for the xOW. So let him be her problem now, and vice versa. She was going through a divorce but they stopped the proceedings and reconciled.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 When did this happen? Just recently after posting this story?? Ya, and he had a right to be jealous about you CLEARLY stopping anyting inappropriate. What a jackass. And it ended up that he couldn't forgive you for something that wasn't even an issue as far as I'd be concerned and something FAR less than what he did. Looks like this xOW is in for one hell of a roller coaster ride. And what was the excuse...ahem, I mean reason why he thinks he had the affair? Ya, you'd think. Thats why I said if I had done that to someone, I'd be damn humble and would have learned a lesson in humility. You aren't wrong there. But you weren't Being divorced from him is a good thing. He filed for a D five years ago to be w/ the xOW. After a few months he said he made a mistake, didn't want the D, and wanted to make the M work. He isn't w/ the OW anymore. He broke it off w/ her 5 years ago. She is no longer any part of our lives.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 CB, I think you are confused but if you aren't I apologize. This guy contacted me 3 years prior to my H's own A. Ya know, the more I think about THAT part of it all how could he have done that to me? He was hurt and angry just by the emails and chats but yet he had a full blown EA and PA shortly after that? Did he not think about how I would have felt? Did he not sit back and think " It really hurt me when her xlover contacted her, how would this make HER feel if she knew I was having inappropriate R w/ this co-worker?" NO, he f@cking didn't! Oh this just burns me up. Ya know, I wish we would have stayed separated longer than six months and I would have joined LS then b/c honestly, after what I have learned here I probably would have never taken him back. I trusted him, thought he would change. Part of him has, but the jealousy continues. I am talking to him and it's going to be a serious talk. He needs to seek counseling and figuring out WHY he is so insecure. He admitted that he is insecure but he needs to figure out why and how to deal w/ it. If we need to seek MC I will. It's still guilt, that lasts for a long time. He feels guilty for the things that he has done. simple as that. No matter how long ago the affair was. I suggest he goes to a councilor.
Author mopar crazy Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 It's still guilt, that lasts for a long time. He feels guilty for the things that he has done. simple as that. No matter how long ago the affair was. I suggest he goes to a councilor. So, ya think he is feeling guilty and b/c of that he is jealous? What about his jealousy b4 the A?
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 So, ya think he is feeling guilty and b/c of that he is jealous? What about his jealousy b4 the A? He's definitely feelings guilty. His jealousy before the A could have just him feeling jealous. Some people are just naturally jealous of their spouse in some form or fashion. It's not you perse' but it's something wrong with him. But I think you guys need counciling. If he wants to continue being married he needs to work on his issues. All of them!
twice_shy Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 He filed for a D five years ago to be w/ the xOW. After a few months he said he made a mistake, didn't want the D, and wanted to make the M work. He isn't w/ the OW anymore. He broke it off w/ her 5 years ago. She is no longer any part of our lives. Ah, so WF and HG were correct. Sorry, I read it quick and took it as you were going through it now. So basically he left you for an OW, you two got back together, now HE is giving you sh#t? Oh hell no. He should be down on his knees begging you not to leave him and not to give him a right deserved b#tch slap.
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