My H can't let go

[mopar crazy]

I was involved in a R w/ a man during my HS years. He was 5 years older than myself. What started out as friendship turned into more of a FWB thing. I did love him, very much and he knew this but he had a live in GF. It ended when I moved away to college.

 

FF to 12 years later he contacts me via email. What starts as friendly, catching up turns into him being flirtatious and talking about meeting up in our hometown, no one would know. Of course I said no, we were both M. After I told him I was starting to get uncomfortable he apologized and shortly after that he stopped contacting me, but b4 he called me and I told him I could not talk b/c my mil was there. I deleted all contacts and told H. He was not happy but I felt too guilty not saying anything.

 

It's been 8 years since he has contacted me. H still brings him up once in awhile but not too often. Well, he was brought up this weekend b/c he was at a wedding we were at. I could see the anger and jealousy in H's eyes. I told him he really needs to calm down, grow up, or he'll need to leave. I was not going anywhere, it was my niece's wedding! He knew this day was coming, we knew about the wedding for about a year and we knew this guy would be there b/c he is family to the groom. He finally calms down after every one ate. I understand he was upset EIGHT years ago but he really needed to let it go. Nothing happened and I know women have flirted w/ him in the past and I didn't act all angry when they were around. What I did was think that I was proud to have such a good looking H that other women wanted to be w/. My sil even said that my H should be proud that another man finds me attractive enough to want to have an A w/. I would have NEVER had an A w/ this guy. One b/c of his W, and two b/c of my H.

 

What I find hypocritical is that my H actually did have an A 5 years ago and I am not even as angry at the OW as he is w/ this guy. I am so tired of my H;s jealousy! He has always been this way.

[michelangelo]

My sil even said that my H should be proud that another man finds me attractive enough to want to have an A w/.

 

That line of thinking would not fly with me if i were told that. That is absurd, sorry.

 

What I think is happening is that you are mad at him for having an affair and believe he has no right to be jealous of you because you believe you did not cheat.

 

You came close to physically cheating and indulged in a kind of an emotional affair, but you dismiss it as important.

 

He did cheat and is worried about your resolve because he knows you have a connection to that man of the type he was swayed to indulge in himself.

[White Flower]

I will back you up on your sil's compliment. SOME men like dangling the trophy wife BECAUSE they want other men to be jealous of what they have. Not labeling anyone, just sayin'.

 

I wonder if your H's A had anything to do with his OWN jealousy issues? This could've been one of those A's we hear about where the problem lies within the CS.

 

Anyway, you are right. It's been 8 years since contact, a year since your H knew he'd be at this wedding, and he should have been better prepared with his jealousy/anger issues.

 

I'm sure he'll get over it, but if not then maybe IC for him?

[mopar crazy]

That line of thinking would not fly with me if i were told that. That is absurd, sorry.

 

What I think is happening is that you are mad at him for having an affair and believe he has no right to be jealous of you because you believe you did not cheat.

 

You came close to physically cheating and indulged in a kind of an emotional affair, but you dismiss it as important.

 

He did cheat and is worried about your resolve because he knows you have a connection to that man of the type he was swayed to indulge in himself.

 

Well, that is my sil for ya.

 

I am no longer angry w/ my H for his A, but I will never forget it either. He has no right to still be about this guy contacting me. Maybe at first he had a right to but it's been 8 years!

 

I did not even come close to having a PA w/ this guy even though I know he would jumped at the chance in a heart beat but I wont diagree w/ you on the EA but I stopped it b4 it became too much. My H chose not to stop his EA w/ the xOW. He told her he loved her, wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her, etc. I NEVER once came even that close to what he did. The most I said was in agreeing that we had fun together and at that point I told him I was uncomfortable and I was, very. And I felt sick to my stomach for my H, how much it would have hurt him so I put a stop to it. At least I did that.

 

If my H thinks I am going to cheat b/c he did then maybe he needs to end the M b/c I can't/wont live this way the rest of my life.

 

And it's just not this guy he is jealous of, it's every guy I talk to. An exBF stopped me at the store today to ask if our property was damaged in the storm late last week. I have introduced this guy to my H b4. H got all jealous again and asked me why I didn't introduce him. I told him I had already done that in the past. He said "Well, you could have done it again." UGH! My H doesn't introduce me to women that stop him in the store to talk and I don't make a huge issue when I have more right than he does. And every guy that talks to me I get the "Did you f@ck him?" question when the guy walks off. WTF? I didn't sleep w/ every guy I went out w/. Sure, I wasn't an angel but damn it, it gets old.

[mopar crazy]

I will back you up on your sil's compliment. SOME men like dangling the trophy wife BECAUSE they want other men to be jealous of what they have. Not labeling anyone, just sayin'.

 

I wonder if your H's A had anything to do with his OWN jealousy issues? This could've been one of those A's we hear about where the problem lies within the CS.

 

Anyway, you are right. It's been 8 years since contact, a year since your H knew he'd be at this wedding, and he should have been better prepared with his jealousy/anger issues.

 

I'm sure he'll get over it, but if not then maybe IC for him?

 

Thanks WF! I am surprised H didn't get all pissed and jealous when my ex's dad came over, gave me a hug and said "You got better lookin since the last time I saw you." Oh he says that all the time, he is such a flirt, like father like son. My ex was a big player. A lot of girls wanted him.

 

H has always been jealous. For someone who acts so conceited I think he has some major self-esteem issues deep down.

[OWoman]

And it's just not this guy he is jealous of, it's every guy I talk to. An exBF stopped me at the store today to ask if our property was damaged in the storm late last week. I have introduced this guy to my H b4. H got all jealous again and asked me why I didn't introduce him. I told him I had already done that in the past. He said "Well, you could have done it again." UGH! My H doesn't introduce me to women that stop him in the store to talk and I don't make a huge issue when I have more right than he does. And every guy that talks to me I get the "Did you f@ck him?" question when the guy walks off. WTF? I didn't sleep w/ every guy I went out w/. Sure, I wasn't an angel but damn it, it gets old.

 

Mopar it sounds like he has serious control issues! Lack of self-control on his side, that he's trying to compensate for by exerting control over you. I agree, I think self-esteem is at the bottom of it - he's insecure, when guys pay you compliments he worries that he doesn't have the "pulling power" to keep you so has to exert his testosterone another way.

 

It's unlikely to go away.... unless he gets some kind of counselling and learns to trust the M, trust you and most of all trust his own attractiveness. If he's always going to doubt that, he'll never be secure and he'll always be on your case. How much are you willing to put up with?

[mopar crazy]

Mopar it sounds like he has serious control issues! Lack of self-control on his side, that he's trying to compensate for by exerting control over you. I agree, I think self-esteem is at the bottom of it - he's insecure, when guys pay you compliments he worries that he doesn't have the "pulling power" to keep you so has to exert his testosterone another way.

 

It's unlikely to go away.... unless he gets some kind of counselling and learns to trust the M, trust you and most of all trust his own attractiveness. If he's always going to doubt that, he'll never be secure and he'll always be on your case. How much are you willing to put up with?

 

 

I don't know exactly where my breaking point is. This jealousy crap is no longer cute nor funny. He admits he is controlling, and he has sought professional help but it wasn't long b/c the insurance didn't pay crap on it. For about a month or so of counseling it cost $300!

 

I do know that he hides his low self-esteem really well. The guy takes longer in the bathroom getting ready than I do. I have low self-esteem, always have, but for for someone like my H to have it no one would ever know. He holds himself w/ confidence, etc. He is very outgoing and not a shy bone in his body.

 

 

I wish I would have NEVER told him how many partners I had b4 him b/c that is when the ***** started. He thinks b/c of my wild past I wont be able to stay faithful and that I will get bored of him and move on. If that was the case, WTF did he M me then?

[michelangelo]

He married you because he loves you and thought he could overcome doubt and insecurity.

 

But things change! Justified or not, he now doubts you. Sure, he may just be projecting his doubt in himself, but that is the way of things now.

 

Every relationship evolves over time. Yours is spiraling apart. Do you want to pull it in?

 

BTW, find a cheaper counselor.

[mopar crazy]

He married you because he loves you and thought he could overcome doubt and insecurity.

 

But things change! Justified or not, he now doubts you. Sure, he may just be projecting his doubt in himself, but that is the way of things now.

 

Every relationship evolves over time. Yours is spiraling apart. Do you want to pull it in?

 

BTW, find a cheaper counselor.

 

 

But I have put up w/ his jealousy for almost 18 years and it just gets worse.

My M is actually better than it was 5 years ago, I wont get into it. It's this jealousy crap that is putting a strain on it.

 

The counselor we had ran her fees on a sliding scale fee so it went by your income. H did not make even $15 a hour and it was still that much.

 

If the only way he can overcome this jealously is through some counseling then he needs to do it but I can't force him to go so what then? Am I suppose to just deal w/ his stupid crap b/c I can't. If things don't get any better I will file for a D. I know he has said in the past if I ever cheat on him he will D me b/c he feels like that would be my way of getting back at him for his own A. I find it rather hypocritical that he begged and pleaded for me to take him back after his A and how he was sorry, and he made a mistake, blah, blah, but if I made the same mistake, ( I WONT) he will D me. Double standards!

[twice_shy]

I was involved in a R w/ a man during my HS years. He was 5 years older than myself. What started out as friendship turned into more of a FWB thing. I did love him, very much and he knew this but he had a live in GF. It ended when I moved away to college.

 

FF to 12 years later he contacts me via email. What starts as friendly, catching up turns into him being flirtatious and talking about meeting up in our hometown, no one would know. Of course I said no, we were both M. After I told him I was starting to get uncomfortable he apologized and shortly after that he stopped contacting me, but b4 he called me and I told him I could not talk b/c my mil was there. I deleted all contacts and told H. He was not happy but I felt too guilty not saying anything.

 

Yes, but you really didn't do anything wrong. You ended contact after you realized it was becoming inappropriate. But this is why I think being in contact with X's is a bad idea. But you did the right thing.

 

If a SO other told me about this, I'd be upset that the guy was trying, but I would not be mad at my SO because she did the right thing.

 

 

It's been 8 years since he has contacted me. H still brings him up once in awhile but not too often. Well, he was brought up this weekend b/c he was at a wedding we were at. I could see the anger and jealousy in H's eyes. I told him he really needs to calm down, grow up, or he'll need to leave.

 

Granted it was 8 years, but I can understand his anger towards another guy trying to zoom his wife.

 

And telling your H that he needs to calm down or HE is the one that needs to leave was the wrong thing to do. Now he probably thinks that you'd rather the other guy be there instead of him.

 

 

 

I was not going anywhere, it was my niece's wedding! He knew this day was coming, we knew about the wedding for about a year and we knew this guy would be there b/c he is family to the groom. He finally calms down after every one ate. I understand he was upset EIGHT years ago but he really needed to let it go.

 

Well, not really. A man was in the same presence as you two that was trying to develop a relationship with you. I can understand your husband not being happy about it....8 years ago or not.

 

 

My sil even said that my H should be proud that another man finds me attractive enough to want to have an A w/.

 

Uh......no. I can't speak for all men, but I don't want a guy hitting on my SO. A guy hit on my last SO at a bar, she told me, and I wasn't angry about it. But I sure wasn't pleased about it either. It just wasn't a big enough issue to warrant any discussion or thought to.

 

 

I would have NEVER had an A w/ this guy. One b/c of his W, and two b/c of my H.

 

What I find hypocritical is that my H actually did have an A 5 years ago and I am not even as angry at the OW as he is w/ this guy. I am so tired of my H;s jealousy! He has always been this way.

 

 

Well geez, that changes everything. He is jealous, but he shagged someone else during your M?

 

Now I can understand you telling him he needs to calm down or leave.

 

Your H should consider himself lucky you didn't leave his arse.

[twice_shy]

That line of thinking would not fly with me if i were told that. That is absurd, sorry.

 

What I think is happening is that you are mad at him for having an affair and believe he has no right to be jealous of you because you believe you did not cheat.

 

Yes, and...????

 

 

You came close to physically cheating and indulged in a kind of an emotional affair, but you dismiss it as important.

 

 

According to her story, she came nowhere close to a physical affair or an emotional one. She was simply talking to a guy until it became obvious his conversations were inappropriate.

 

 

He did cheat and is worried about your resolve because he knows you have a connection to that man of the type he was swayed to indulge in himself.

 

He should worry after what he did.

[michelangelo]

Yes, and...????

 

 

 

 

 

According to her story, she came nowhere close to a physical affair or an emotional one. She was simply talking to a guy until it became obvious his conversations were inappropriate.

 

 

 

 

He should worry after what he did.

 

OK, I'm thinking the line at which she felt it wrong was set a wee bit farther out than her husband's comfort level and she knew it. I'll even hazard a guess she liked the flirting but eventually her conscience kicked in. a good thing, BTW.

 

Not saying the guy is a saint, he pretty much is a piece of work.

[mopar crazy]

I don't think I actually told him if he couldn't calm down he should leave, but I did hint around to that.

 

Sure I liked the flirting, liked what he said, made me feel good. After all those years to finally hear him say that he loved being w/ me, sorry he hurt me and that he never meant to etc. However, it was getting very inappropriate. I thought of my H, how would he have felt. I thought of the guys W, how would she have felt. It would of hurt them both so it had to stop. I would of stayed in contact w/ him on a friendship basis only if he wouldn't have started talking about our intimate past and mentioning getting a room with him. Well, let me correct that...if H didn't have a problem w/ us emailing as friends, if he would have I would have stopped.

 

I know it hurt my H and I could have just not told him and maybe I shouldn't have and none of this would be going on but the guilt was tearing me apart.

[twice_shy]

I don't think I actually told him if he couldn't calm down he should leave, but I did hint around to that.

 

Sure I liked the flirting, liked what he said, made me feel good.

 

Well of course. Especially after your H cheated on you. A cheating spouse is a self-esteem killer.

 

But it sounds as if you were fine in the self-esteem realm since you didn't cheat and stopped the inappropriate contact.

 

 

I know it hurt my H and I could have just not told him and maybe I shouldn't have and none of this would be going on but the guilt was tearing me apart.

 

I wonder what your husband's response would be if you told him, "cutting off inapropriate contact with someone is a helluva lot better than you going off and f####g another woman".

 

How would he like it if you threw that in his face every time he turned around.

 

He'd better be thanking his lucky stars that you aren't. But he throws this in your face, maybe you need to let him know how it feels, then have a conversation about it.

[michelangelo]

So did you realize that the guy from the past was just trying to pry apart your knees with anything that would work?

 

Or were you getting sucked into the charm of it?

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I actually told him if he couldn't calm down he should leave, but I did hint around to that.

 

Sure I liked the flirting, liked what he said, made me feel good. After all those years to finally hear him say that he loved being w/ me, sorry he hurt me and that he never meant to etc. However, it was getting very inappropriate. I thought of my H, how would he have felt. I thought of the guys W, how would she have felt. It would of hurt them both so it had to stop. I would of stayed in contact w/ him on a friendship basis only if he wouldn't have started talking about our intimate past and mentioning getting a room with him. Well, let me correct that...if H didn't have a problem w/ us emailing as friends, if he would have I would have stopped.

 

I know it hurt my H and I could have just not told him and maybe I shouldn't have and none of this would be going on but the guilt was tearing me apart.

[twice_shy]

So did you realize that the guy from the past was just trying to pry apart your knees with anything that would work?

 

Do you realize that her husband already pried someone's knees apart during their marriage and she had enough respect for the marriage to tell the other man to stop with the inappropriate conversation?

[Owl]

Instead of IC for him to deal with his controlling behavior...have you considered MC for the two of you to work out a better way to interact with each other?

 

He's jealous, he's insecure...you've betrayed his trust once by having an EA, and he's never recovered from that, from the sounds of it. I don't think that your marriage recovered completely from you EA. Then HE has a affair that complicates things even more...

 

It sounds to me like the both of you could spend some serious time learning to see the world through each other's eyes. Learn to view yourself through his eyes, and vice versa.

 

I don't think IC would do either of you any more good...but MC could do tons for you.

[michelangelo]

Do you realize that her husband already pried someone's knees apart during their marriage and she had enough respect for the marriage to tell the other man to stop with the inappropriate conversation?

 

Of course! Dial it down a bit t/shy.

[mopar crazy]

I have to run my dd to her ortho appt so I will respond when I return.

 

Owl, thank you so much for your wise words. I have always respected your advice. I am glad that you joined in on this thread.

[White Flower]

But I have put up w/ his jealousy for almost 18 years and it just gets worse.

My M is actually better than it was 5 years ago, I wont get into it. It's this jealousy crap that is putting a strain on it.

 

The counselor we had ran her fees on a sliding scale fee so it went by your income. H did not make even $15 a hour and it was still that much.

 

If the only way he can overcome this jealously is through some counseling then he needs to do it but I can't force him to go so what then? Am I suppose to just deal w/ his stupid crap b/c I can't. If things don't get any better I will file for a D. I know he has said in the past if I ever cheat on him he will D me b/c he feels like that would be my way of getting back at him for his own A. I find it rather hypocritical that he begged and pleaded for me to take him back after his A and how he was sorry, and he made a mistake, blah, blah, but if I made the same mistake, ( I WONT) he will D me. Double standards!

You are not kidding about the double standard! You are supposed to forgive him but if you make 'a mistake' then he would not forgive you. Hmm.

 

You can force him to go. Make an ultimatum. Take one of his toys away. Or tell him you'll file for a D.

[White Flower]

I don't think I actually told him if he couldn't calm down he should leave, but I did hint around to that.

 

Sure I liked the flirting, liked what he said, made me feel good. After all those years to finally hear him say that he loved being w/ me, sorry he hurt me and that he never meant to etc. However, it was getting very inappropriate. I thought of my H, how would he have felt. I thought of the guys W, how would she have felt. It would of hurt them both so it had to stop. I would of stayed in contact w/ him on a friendship basis only if he wouldn't have started talking about our intimate past and mentioning getting a room with him. Well, let me correct that...if H didn't have a problem w/ us emailing as friends, if he would have I would have stopped.

 

I know it hurt my H and I could have just not told him and maybe I shouldn't have and none of this would be going on but the guilt was tearing me apart.

You should always be able to share anything with your spouse. But NOW that you know he can't handle it perhaps you shouldn't in the future. I would tell him:

1) Get your act together with counseling, self-help books, or whaterver because the future of our R depends on it.

2) I can no longer share intimate details with you because you obviously cannot handle them and that might put some distance between us.

3) It wouldn't hurt for YOU to flirt with ME so that I know you're still crazy about me and I will never ever be tempted again to receive those kinds of compliments from anyone else in the future.

[twice_shy]

Of course! Dial it down a bit t/shy.

 

Me dial it down? You are the one that can't seem to realize that she did nothing wrong and say nothing about what he did to her.

[twice_shy]

Instead of IC for him to deal with his controlling behavior...have you considered MC for the two of you to work out a better way to interact with each other?

 

He's jealous, he's insecure...you've betrayed his trust once by having an EA, and he's never recovered from that

 

Unless mopar has had other threads that stated she was in an EA, how did she have one here?

 

She said that she would chat with this guy to "catch up". And sure she felt good about his flirting, but she stopped it because it became obvious he wanted more. I don't think she had an EA at all. Correct me if I'm wrong mopar.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You should always be able to share anything with your spouse. But NOW that you know he can't handle it perhaps you shouldn't in the future. I would tell him:

1) Get your act together with counseling, self-help books, or whaterver because the future of our R depends on it.

2) I can no longer share intimate details with you because you obviously cannot handle them and that might put some distance between us.

3) It wouldn't hurt for YOU to flirt with ME so that I know you're still crazy about me and I will never ever be tempted again to receive those kinds of compliments from anyone else in the future.

 

I agree with all 3 points. Her H is simply too controlling, which typically translates into insecure + selfish. A hard pair of traits to overcome!

 

On a side note... every time I see your screen name, it takes a moment to realize that it is White Flower, not White Power. Maybe it's my font settings or something, that Fl, P look similar on my screen. Plus, your avatar kind of looks evil. Not sure what the point of that was, but just thought I should share.

[White Flower]

I agree with all 3 points. Her H is simply too controlling, which typically translates into insecure + selfish. A hard pair of traits to overcome!

 

On a side note... every time I see your screen name, it takes a moment to realize that it is White Flower, not White Power. Maybe it's my font settings or something, that Fl, P look similar on my screen. Plus, your avatar kind of looks evil. Not sure what the point of that was, but just thought I should share.

ROFL!!!!

 

I'm much too multi-cultural to EVER be part of something called, 'White Power', but this was so funny!

 

My avie is an artist's rendering of Jean Harlowe, a 1930's film actress who exMM says I look like. I think she looks more smoldering than evil, but it did go with your wise crack:laugh:

 

Cheers.