Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I know this shouldn't matter and I should just walk away but we had a huge serious conversation yesterday. Whether this should mean something to me or not... I'm not sure. I guess in my heart I am still not ready to let go. and I don't think I ever will. I told him that we needed to talk. That I cannot go on anymore PRETENDING that I don't know what is happening. I called him out on the girl. I said I know you told her that you had a crush on her (I read your text messages) and I came clean and I said that I know what I did was wrong but the fact that I don't trust you and that I found something now is making me wonder. He just broke down and told me that yes, he has feelings for her. A Crush - big or small? who knows. But either way he has feelings for her but isn't wanting to break up with me. He says that he loves me and that he wouldn't know what to do if I left him. But he just can't control why he feels like this for her and why he thinks of her etc. He said he knows it isn't love... but he knows that it's more than just friendship. Okay, now he's set the stage for having his cake and eating it too. A pretty typical cheater. What he did was to lie to you to hide his growing feelings for the OW. This is commonly known as gaslighting until you bust them outright about it, which you did. If you forgive him and take him back, he will probably maintain his growing infatuation with this OW, while doing a better job of hiding his tracks. I hope you kick his arse to the curb.
jes674jes Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I've had a paranoia about my bf being friends with a girl at work and she has written him a letter saying she was happy they were friends. After i flipped out about that letter he said it doesnt have any emotional value to him and he threw it away, anytiem i have brought up my jealousy/insecurities about this girl he tells me that i'm the one he wants, and yeah the other girl is cool but he doesnt want to be with her. Atleast I feel good about that, but i can't imagine what i would do if he phrased it the way your bf did saying that she just got out of a relationship and wouldn't want to jump into anything, i agree with whichwayisup saying thats a red flag and question why did he phrase it like that? if there is a logical explanation then you should really talk about your feelings but be careful not to push him away. I'm in the predictament now where I bring it up so much that it's stressing out my bf that he has to constantly reassure he loves me and my approval. but realize your own self worth and is it worth it to be in this relationship and maybe work up the courage to find out if it's you or her (if the situation comes down to it)
sally4sara Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I know this shouldn't matter and I should just walk away but we had a huge serious conversation yesterday. Whether this should mean something to me or not... I'm not sure. I guess in my heart I am still not ready to let go. and I don't think I ever will. I told him that we needed to talk. That I cannot go on anymore PRETENDING that I don't know what is happening. I called him out on the girl. I said I know you told her that you had a crush on her (I read your text messages) and I came clean and I said that I know what I did was wrong but the fact that I don't trust you and that I found something now is making me wonder. He just broke down and told me that yes, he has feelings for her. A Crush - big or small? who knows. But either way he has feelings for her but isn't wanting to break up with me. He says that he loves me and that he wouldn't know what to do if I left him. But he just can't control why he feels like this for her and why he thinks of her etc. He said he knows it isn't love... but he knows that it's more than just friendship. He knows he has been running this game for months; not even really hiding it. He knows through this that if you were emotionally able and ready to leave him over this, you'd have done it by now. This many months and just now you get around to calling him out about his disregard to you and the relationship? He is pulling the "oh me I'm so confused, but I love you" to keep you around a while longer. There is no worse partner to have than one like him. And the only way to get through to this style is to just be done with them. For every time you don't, it just seems to give them a free pass. The bitter part is that any lesson he learns, he learns for the next girl. And THAT is why you stick around longer than you should. It isn't about whether or not he is able to get a green light from the other girl yet..... You already know he would jump at it if she said okay. He is only as confused as his options are limited right now.
Trialbyfire Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 He knows he has been running this game for months; not even really hiding it. He knows through this that if you were emotionally able and ready to leave him over this, you'd have done it by now. This many months and just now you get around to calling him out about his disregard to you and the relationship? He is pulling the "oh me I'm so confused, but I love you" to keep you around a while longer. There is no worse partner to have than one like him. And the only way to get through to this style is to just be done with them. For every time you don't, it just seems to give them a free pass. The bitter part is that any lesson he learns, he learns for the next girl. And THAT is why you stick around longer than you should. It isn't about whether or not he is able to get a green light from the other girl yet..... You already know he would jump at it if she said okay. He is only as confused as his options are limited right now. OP, read those bolded sentences over and over again. It's your situation in a nutshell.
in_absentia Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 you should really talk about your feelings but be careful not to push him away. No no no no... this is what he WANTS you to do. He wants to keep you pussyfooting around so he can build his infatuation with the woman from work and still have the security of knowing he has you. If he cared about you and the relationship he'd be ending contact with this girl, spending his time reassuring and being focused on you and building the relationship, he already knows you are too weak to leave him and that you'll stay with him so he is free to do as he pleases now. He should be BEGGING you to stay with him, not you being careful not to push him away! OP you really need to find the strength to realise you're better than this.
Recommended Posts