I need your insight. Does my bf have another woman?

[pelicanpreacher]

I joined this forum today. I found your story so moving that I was compelled to contribute something in the hope it would help. Unfortunately I've had some experiences that relate to yours.

 

 

 

Forgive me, but I'm not 100% sure what you mean in this post. Does the conversation you quoted relate to your BF's current relationship, or this other relationship he had previously with someone from college?

 

If that conversation was with his current OW, then there's good and bad news. The good news is that they're not having sex yet: they're not at that stage, they're flirting. If they were in a physical relationship their chatter would be quite different IMHO.

 

The bad news is that he's definitely considered it. There's some emotional infidelity going on, but it's hard to say how deep it runs.

 

That's probably why he's tried laughing off your concerns, then acted a bit offended as if you don't trust him. Guys think of infidelity as physical, sexual relations. He probably figures that he's done nothing wrong... technically. But the fact that he's attracted to OW and he'd *like* to have relations with her makes him feel uncomfortable, a bit guilty.

 

 

 

If OW is young and attractive, and in a successful professional position (as you described her) then the chances are she's keeping her options open too. She might be attracted to your BF, but if after 6 months they haven't initiated a physical relationship then there's something holding things back. If he's flirting with her in this manner then it's possible he's probing the relationship; but being single and attractive OW probably has more than one guy who's interested, so she's not rushing. I can't see a very high probability that their relationship will progress to the next level, even if that's what your BF would like. This sounds like a fizzer. (But people behave differently -- I could be wrong.)

 

 

 

No need to rush. You've got many more years ahead of you to start a family. If you want to marry this guy because you absolutely love him and he's your soul-mate then great, that's understandable. But is that the case? Are you sure you're not being unnecessarily desperate? Or is it ego -- has his interest in a younger, more attractive woman hurt your feelings, so you feel you have to "win"? Rushing into marriage with the wrong person is a very, very bad mistake.

 

Here's a suggestion: ask him to move out (or you move out if it's his place). Don't put it as if you're ending the relationship. You've already raised the issue of marriage and he hasn't responded positively. That means that either he's not that into you, or he's too young to get committed just yet. At the moment it sounds like he's enjoying all the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities. If he moved out that would give him time to consider what he really feels about you -- and vice versa, it sounds like you could do with some time to decide whether he's really Mr. Right.

 

Most men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free.

 

You should consider the possibility that maybe he's not going to be the husband that you would like him to be. Expecting something from him that he's unwilling to give won't work out so well. Living apart would give both of you some breathing space to make the right decisions.

 

 

All the best,

Dave

 

Dave...This guy's commitment is so weak that he refused to move in with her! I'd like to hear your assessment on how the death of his father has affected his general feelings and direction in life

[OldMan]

Dave...This guy's commitment is so weak that he refused to move in with her!

 

Hm, I re-read all stillwaitingonyou's posts but I didn't see the bit where they're not living together. I assumed that since she had so much access to his stuff (the letter, emails) and since they seem to have a very long-term, involved relationship that they would probably be living together. I thought the issue was that he wouldn't commit to marrying her, and instead he was getting into a relationship with an OW. Could be a bad assumption on my behalf -- if so sorry.

 

I'd like to hear your assessment on how the death of his father has affected his general feelings and direction in life

 

When I lost my mother I was strongly affected emotionally for a year or two. The pain eventually subsides, and you're left with the fond memories -- you become reconciled to the fact that they're gone, and you cherish the good things. Mum is still very real to me. But then again I lost my mother as a middle-aged man, not as a young man (it's a lot harder for young people to come to terms with the loss of a parent).

 

When you lose someone close you get a much stronger sense of life's priorities. You draw closer to those you love.

 

So maybe you've struck on something significant, pelicanpreacher. If stillwaitingonyou was there beside him through that crisis it's possible his feelings run deeper for her than she gives him credit.

 

...Not that I'm saying that to excuse anyone. I would still suggest that some hard decisions need to be made all round.

 

 

Regards,

Dave

[pelicanpreacher]

Hm, I re-read all stillwaitingonyou's posts but I didn't see the bit where they're not living together. I assumed that since she had so much access to his stuff (the letter, emails) and since they seem to have a very long-term, involved relationship that they would probably be living together. I thought the issue was that he wouldn't commit to marrying her, and instead he was getting into a relationship with an OW. Could be a bad assumption on my behalf -- if so sorry.

 

 

 

When I lost my mother I was strongly affected emotionally for a year or two. The pain eventually subsides, and you're left with the fond memories -- you become reconciled to the fact that they're gone, and you cherish the good things. Mum is still very real to me. But then again I lost my mother as a middle-aged man, not as a young man (it's a lot harder for young people to come to terms with the loss of a parent).

 

When you lose someone close you get a much stronger sense of life's priorities. You draw closer to those you love.

 

So maybe you've struck on something significant, pelicanpreacher. If stillwaitingonyou was there beside him through that crisis it's possible his feelings run deeper for her than she gives him credit.

 

...Not that I'm saying that to excuse anyone. I would still suggest that some hard decisions need to be made all round.

 

 

Regards,

Dave

 

On the surface I'd agree with you but, he not only rejected her attempts to connect with him during this time period saying " You have no idea what it's like to lose your father", but also distanced himself and engaged in this current flirtation with another woman. For some reason, I get the vibe that he is in full rebellion mode now that his authoritative father's presence has been eliminated and he sees the OP as a vestige of past control over his life. I feel that this may be the root of his attempts to move on with another woman.

 

I'd like to hear your assessment on this perspective.

[OldMan]

...the death of his father...

 

I might also add that that's a hopeless way of hitting on a girl. It sounds like BF has used that to get a shoe in the door with the OW, but it's a very sober, serious topic for discussion.

 

People are most often attracted to happiness. If you meet a member of the opposite sex who looks good and who is bright and cheerful, and who has an attitude that says, "I like you but I don't need you" then that's a definite turn-on. Probing into the more serious parts of someone's background might lead to long-term genuine friendship, but it's far different from the light, fun stuff that normally commences courtship.

 

I read it. Well her version anyways... Her version was just full of friendship things about how easy it is to be such good friends.

 

From that perspective, the five-page letter makes more sense. OW was probably trying to clarify, "Hey, you're a great guy but we're FRIENDS, right? You know, FRIENDS???" (If a chick uses the "friend" word with a guy, abandon all hope.) BF might have something different in mind, hence his flirtatious passes at OW, but is that actually going to work? Maybe but I'm not seeing it.

 

 

Regards,

Dave

[OldMan]

On the surface I'd agree with you but, he not only rejected her attempts to connect with him during this time period saying " You have no idea what it's like to lose your father", but also distanced himself and engaged in this current flirtation with another woman. For some reason, I get the vibe that he is in full rebellion mode now that his authoritative father's presence has been eliminated and he sees the OP as a vestige of past control over his life. I feel that this may be the root of his attempts to move on with another woman.

 

I'd like to hear your assessment on this perspective.

 

Well, the bereavement was a longer ago for him than it was for her:

 

My boyfriend had gone through a tragic time about 2 years ago when his dad passed away and he had always told me the last couple of years have been blurry and that they seem almost at a standstill. I know that this girl and him talk about death a lot because recently her mother passed away and they *click*.

 

So I'm not sure that these recent events would have been triggered by the bereavement. My money's on the shoe-in-the-door theory.

 

Heck, I'm starting to feel *sorry for OW*. Is she even aware that there's something going on here? Maybe she's in too much grief, or she thinks it's all friendly play. Maybe she doesn't know the Hell stillwaitingonyou is going through.

 

 

Regards,

Dave

[pelicanpreacher]

Interesting! I've read your past 2 posts and find them very, very interesting! Its given me food for thought.

 

Thank you for your introspection.

[OWoman]

If a chick uses the "friend" word with a guy, abandon all hope.

 

Exactly! While I might not be the textbook template for woman-ness (I hate shopping) I have a very rigid filing system when it comes to guys. There are three categories: "shaggable", "friend", and "next!"

 

Guys can move from either of the other two categories to "next!", though "next!" never gets to move anywhere (it's more garbage disposal than recycle bin) but the barriers between "shaggable" and "friend" are absolute.

 

Once a guy is "friended", he may as well carry his goolies around in a brown paper bag, as he's not going to be needing them with me.

[OWoman]

Probing into the more serious parts of someone's background might lead to long-term genuine friendship, but it's far different from the light, fun stuff that normally commences courtship.

 

Unless one is into mercy f@cks, but that seems more a guy thing than a girl thing.

[stillwaitingonyou]

Forgive me, but I'm not 100% sure what you mean in this post. Does the conversation you quoted relate to your BF's current relationship, or this other relationship he had previously with someone from college?

 

First off, thank you all for all your insightful posts. I think I've been keeping this in for longer than I recall and it's only be recently have I started to voice my opinions and show my pain. I think I was able to bury it for awhile but in the end I realized that it has made me feel unworthy and insecure about myself. Although in my head I know I deserve more, my heart still can't let it go...

 

My boyfriend has always had a problem of being "friendly" but I think this may be a little different because rarely does he ever have a deep "connection" like the rest. The rest would normally be with scandalous girls who WANTED to take him away from me and were blatantly obvious. From sending him aggressive text messages etc to suggesting to "do things". But this girls seems to be sitting back in her chair and it's him who is doing the approaching. I agree that... although it sucks on my end, that it may be more appealing as I always make myself so available to him.

 

My boyfriend does not want to move in with me. When his father past they left him with the house and he is living there with his mom, "to take care of her". He is 25 and she is completely capable. He was born "well off" and he has a very good paying job and has no problem with buying a place. He had told me the only reason he does not want to move with me is because he doesn't want to pay rent when he can just save up a bit more and buy a place.

 

I don't know... I just found out that he tells this girl she's pretty and through some snooping have caught him saying "luv ya" to her. He never writes like that, as he is very well educated and does not like to butcher words... but yeah...

 

[tinktronik]

First off, thank you all for all your insightful posts. I think I've been keeping this in for longer than I recall and it's only be recently have I started to voice my opinions and show my pain. I think I was able to bury it for awhile but in the end I realized that it has made me feel unworthy and insecure about myself. Although in my head I know I deserve more, my heart still can't let it go...

 

My boyfriend has always had a problem of being "friendly" but I think this may be a little different because rarely does he ever have a deep "connection" like the rest. The rest would normally be with scandalous girls who WANTED to take him away from me and were blatantly obvious. From sending him aggressive text messages etc to suggesting to "do things". But this girls seems to be sitting back in her chair and it's him who is doing the approaching. I agree that... although it sucks on my end, that it may be more appealing as I always make myself so available to him.

 

My boyfriend does not want to move in with me. When his father past they left him with the house and he is living there with his mom, "to take care of her". He is 25 and she is completely capable. He was born "well off" and he has a very good paying job and has no problem with buying a place. He had told me the only reason he does not want to move with me is because he doesn't want to pay rent when he can just save up a bit more and buy a place.

 

I don't know... I just found out that he tells this girl she's pretty and through some snooping have caught him saying "luv ya" to her. He never writes like that, as he is very well educated and does not like to butcher words... but yeah...

 

So, what are YOU going to do ?

[OldMan]

...I realized that it has made me feel unworthy and insecure about myself. Although in my head I know I deserve more, my heart still can't let it go...

 

You seem like a really loving, sensitive, devoted and intelligent young lady. You deserve a wonderful man in your life. I hope you know that.

 

Nothing that you are depends on him. You are your own person, and you're just as good with or without him.

 

My boyfriend has always had a problem of being "friendly" but I think this may be a little different because rarely does he ever have a deep "connection" like the rest. The rest would normally be with scandalous girls who WANTED to take him away from me and were blatantly obvious. From sending him aggressive text messages etc to suggesting to "do things". But this girls seems to be sitting back in her chair and it's him who is doing the approaching. I agree that... although it sucks on my end, that it may be more appealing as I always make myself so available to him.

 

So really it's the emotional infidelity, and that he's hurting your feelings but he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he's even having fun driving you crazy like this? It affirms how strongly he's got you in his grip. That must make him feel powerful and secure.

 

My boyfriend does not want to move in with me. When his father past they left him with the house and he is living there with his mom, "to take care of her". He is 25 and she is completely capable. He was born "well off" and he has a very good paying job and has no problem with buying a place. He had told me the only reason he does not want to move with me is because he doesn't want to pay rent when he can just save up a bit more and buy a place.

 

?????

 

Sorry, my head just exploded.

 

He's well off, but he doesn't want to move in with you because he wants to save money? Or is it to take care of his mother (is she crippled or something?)? And what "place" is this? His place, or a place for both of you together? So why won't he make a firm commitment to you?

 

All I hear is excuses and more excuses. If he were really committed to you, he'd want to make a life together with you, and that means moving in. (Or maybe I've got that wrong, but that's how I thought it worked.)

 

I should confess that I'm a bastard. I was much worse than your BF is. But my GF had a will of iron -- she tolerated me, waited for me. We've been married now for ten years and we have two beautiful kids, and we still have a great relationship (I don't deserve the wonderful family I've got)...

 

...But be warned that I'm probably the exception. A lot of guys his age are immature, not ready to settle down yet. Eventually it might be with you, but it's just as likely he'll meet someone and fall head over heels in love, then it's over for you.

 

Honestly, I've come not to see this other chick as the major threat. I think you've got far larger, more serious issues and she's just a symptom. I hope his s**t doesn't destroy your self esteem. I really hope you can know and believe what a wonderful person you are, and use that to find the inner strength to make the right decisions.

[OWoman]

25 and living with Mommy makes me think he has deeper issues than 12 year old antics with some other chick.

 

His name wouldn't happen to be Norman Bates, would it?

[stillwaitingonyou]

Thank you... I care for him so much and it really hurts me to know that after all these years of me being there for him that this is what he's going to do. I know I haven't been the perfect girlfriend and that I have done things that may have driven him away... but I didn't know they would lead him right to someone else.

 

Usually I wouldn't think he wanted some emotional affair. But maybe I'm just naive. He definitely likes the attention. In his line of work and everything he is very confident and prominent in what he does. He commands respect and he has no problem boosting his own ego. But for some reason the changes that I've seen in him lately is that he's really just... settled. You know what I mean? I was just looking back on my relationship and a couple of times that some hot female tried to throw themselves at him. He didn't want any of it... and if he thought it was entertaining his energy level sky rocket and for a couple of weeks you could just tell that he was getting some kind of attention. But with this girl, it's like he's just... mellow. Almost... content...

 

what do you mean you're an exception? I know that a lot of men won't change UNLESS they themselves see a problem in them. I know that he may be confused in what he feels or wants and it is unfair for me to wait around because it could really turn out to be her and not me. My brother has been telling me that he is just waiting for his chance to leave. When all the plans that we've made (we have trips planned - mini ones at least) are over then he can just run away. My brother said that it's gotta be convenient for him.

 

This place is a place he is just looking to buy. We have talked about moving in together but it was all talk and no action.

 

The worst part is that he has been "dedicating" songs and lyrics to this girl... he use to do that for me for fun. And now there are songs that he will sing to her - he's really good at singing and he use to do that all the time...

 

 

 

You seem like a really loving, sensitive, devoted and intelligent young lady. You deserve a wonderful man in your life. I hope you know that.

 

Nothing that you are depends on him. You are your own person, and you're just as good with or without him.

 

 

 

So really it's the emotional infidelity, and that he's hurting your feelings but he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he's even having fun driving you crazy like this? It affirms how strongly he's got you in his grip. That must make him feel powerful and secure.

 

 

 

?????

 

Sorry, my head just exploded.

 

He's well off, but he doesn't want to move in with you because he wants to save money? Or is it to take care of his mother (is she crippled or something?)? And what "place" is this? His place, or a place for both of you together? So why won't he make a firm commitment to you?

 

All I hear is excuses and more excuses. If he were really committed to you, he'd want to make a life together with you, and that means moving in. (Or maybe I've got that wrong, but that's how I thought it worked.)

 

I should confess that I'm a bastard. I was much worse than your BF is. But my GF had a will of iron -- she tolerated me, waited for me. We've been married now for ten years and we have two beautiful kids, and we still have a great relationship (I don't deserve the wonderful family I've got)...

 

...But be warned that I'm probably the exception. A lot of guys his age are immature, not ready to settle down yet. Eventually it might be with you, but it's just as likely he'll meet someone and fall head over heels in love, then it's over for you.

 

Honestly, I've come not to see this other chick as the major threat. I think you've got far larger, more serious issues and she's just a symptom. I hope his s**t doesn't destroy your self esteem. I really hope you can know and believe what a wonderful person you are, and use that to find the inner strength to make the right decisions.

[OldMan]

Usually I wouldn't think he wanted some emotional affair. But maybe I'm just naive. He definitely likes the attention. In his line of work and everything he is very confident and prominent in what he does. He commands respect and he has no problem boosting his own ego. But for some reason the changes that I've seen in him lately is that he's really just... settled. You know what I mean? I was just looking back on my relationship and a couple of times that some hot female tried to throw themselves at him. He didn't want any of it... and if he thought it was entertaining his energy level sky rocket and for a couple of weeks you could just tell that he was getting some kind of attention. But with this girl, it's like he's just... mellow. Almost... content...

 

You've mentioned his work in a number of posts. I know you might not want to tell us his profession, but still I can't help but wonder -- why should his job make a difference? How could that be a mitigating factor?

 

If I formed a close friendship with a woman and that made my wife feel upset, I'd have to break it off. That's just what people do. He obviously has a very different viewpoint, which would indicate that he doesn't view your relationship as a long-term, committed one. I'd guess that he sees himself as young and still playing the field. You're his long-term girlfriend, but he doesn't live with you and you're not engaged so he may not feel that he owes you too much.

 

what do you mean you're an exception? I know that a lot of men won't change UNLESS they themselves see a problem in them.

 

I only meant that the way things turned out for me won't necessarily be the way things turn out for you. I mean, you shouldn't hold out false hope, or trust that your faithfulness alone will bring him around.

 

The worst part is that he has been "dedicating" songs and lyrics to this girl... he use to do that for me for fun. And now there are songs that he will sing to her - he's really good at singing and he use to do that all the time...

 

It sounds like your brother is pretty mad with this guy, and this kind of s**t makes me understand why.

 

What about you? When do you start getting what you need? Your BF sounds really good at taking care of himself -- why isn't he taking care of you? Unless you put your foot down and tell him very clearly what you need -- and either he's going to give it to you or there's the door -- I doubt he's ever going to respect you or take you seriously.

 

And if he takes the "door" option? That might be hurtful in the short term, but at least it would free you to find someone whose needs are more compatible with yours. You seem to be focusing so much on your BF and how you feel about him, aren't you losing your focus on who you are and what you need?

[stillwaitingonyou]

Sorry for the late response... This past week has been full of events and although I got to spend them with him, there is still a huge void in me and I AM working on my courage...

 

You've mentioned his work in a number of posts. I know you might not want to tell us his profession, but still I can't help but wonder -- why should his job make a difference? How could that be a mitigating factor?

 

I don't mean that his job makes a huge difference... it's just in his line of work it is very respected and therefore he knows that people look upon him as a very respectful and intelligent individual. I on the other hand... I am doing something that I like, I have always been a late bloomer of not knowing exactly what it was that I wanted. This other girl is right along side him. They share the same drive and dynamic...

 

If I formed a close friendship with a woman and that made my wife feel upset, I'd have to break it off. That's just what people do. He obviously has a very different viewpoint, which would indicate that he doesn't view your relationship as a long-term, committed one. I'd guess that he sees himself as young and still playing the field. You're his long-term girlfriend, but he doesn't live with you and you're not engaged so he may not feel that he owes you too much.

 

I think that is exactly it... he doesn't "feel" that he owes me. I guess some men look at it like if it's just looking and not touching then it is okay...

 

It sounds like your brother is pretty mad with this guy, and this kind of s**t makes me understand why.

 

What about you? When do you start getting what you need? Your BF sounds really good at taking care of himself -- why isn't he taking care of you? Unless you put your foot down and tell him very clearly what you need -- and either he's going to give it to you or there's the door -- I doubt he's ever going to respect you or take you seriously.

 

And if he takes the "door" option? That might be hurtful in the short term, but at least it would free you to find someone whose needs are more compatible with yours. You seem to be focusing so much on your BF and how you feel about him, aren't you losing your focus on who you are and what you need?

 

The last couple of days have been hard. There has been a few functions that have happened (a family reunion) that we were all invited to join. We both went and his family treated me like normal but deep down inside I knew that although he said he loved me and he acted like he did in front of his family, that there was a part of him that was not complete.

 

Lately he's been hanging out with her again but this time they have been hanging out in groups. He has already introduced his best friend to her and they are all hanging out and going for lunch etc. She also has introduced them to her bestfriend. I'm not sure if this is normal...

 

I ask myself that why has it taken so long? I know some think that it will fizzle out and who knows, maybe there WILL be some sun after the rain. But if he was so head over heals in love with her like some may think... then why hasn't he taken the plunge?

 

Lately I have been distancing myself. I have made sure my sisters and I have a "girls weekend away" and we decided we're going to rent a cabin up north and just spend along weekend there. when I told him he didn't seem to react like it was a big thing. We also have plans at the end of August to go up to the cabin and he had lightly said that he was rethinking it. He loves to get away though... so I don't know if this is truly the end.

 

I am just trying to brace myself as I am already so torn...

[OldMan]

I have made sure my sisters and I have a "girls weekend away" and we decided we're going to rent a cabin up north and just spend along weekend there.

 

I think that's a great idea. Good for you.

 

When I worry about things they loom large and take over all my thoughts. I find it helpful to remember that there are other things in life and to spend time focusing on those.

 

Take care, don't rush, let things play out the way they need to. Every time I've had a set-back in life I've ended up better off in the long run.

 

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." --Alexander Graham Bell

[stillwaitingonyou]

He had told me that he was going to leave his company because he is wanting to go back to get his Masters but he didn't tell me when he was going to decide to do that. It came apparent after this week that he had decided to go back to school in Sept... Sure, I knew it all along but wasn't aware that he would just give his notice.

 

I understand that this means YEARS for sure before marriage or anything like that would come about... and I really had to look at it hard now because, now I know that this is going to be a couple of years stunt.

 

I was happy that he wouldn't have to see that woman anymore... but I don't want to be naive. Now that they do not work in the same work environment... this could make it easy for them.

 

I need to grow some balls... and just pull the plug.

[awkward]

I feel so bad for you. You appear to be very nice and intelligent. You know this isn't about the other girl right? I think you do but don't really want to recognize it.

 

Your BF is not ready to settle down. He probably does love you. But IMHO if this girl gave him the green light he would go for it. Also, the reason this girl is different is because she isn't chasing him. That is probably why he is different with her. I think she is interested in him but is weighing her own options.

 

Even if this girl didn't exist, it still seems like you and your BF are at different places in your lives. It would really suck if you invested a few more years only for him to meet someone new and fall head over heels in love. Of course, in a few more years he might be ready to settle down and love only you forever. You just have to decide if you are able to take that gamble.

[whichwayisup]

I need to grow some balls... and just pull the plug.

 

Keep posting here and get some counselling to help you gain the strength to end it. If you stay and pretend "it isn't happening" you'll only be living a lie and that will hurt you so deeply, for a long time and may take even longer to get over the insecurities and pain.

 

Leave now, you call the shots and let him suffer the consquences of his actions and choices.

 

You deserve so much more and he isn't going to give to you.

[stillwaitingonyou]

I just need to believe it that I will be better off... I hate to admit it but it honestly feels that I have invested all the time I have left in him and that I need to make it work. I want to get married and I want to have kids... and I KNOW that right now the time line seems so off but I'm scared that if I leave I won't find someone else...

 

I know she has met his best friends and this past weekend on of his friends were having a party at a club and I do NOT go clubbing very often and I didn't want to go so he asked her to go. Someone had told me that they saw them sitting very close to each other and their dancing was quite... "questionable". I have plans to be by his work for a doctors appointment tomorrow so we have decided to go for lunch. I want to so bad to confront this girl!!

 

I don't know if that is a smart idea... she works with him but I guess not for long.

 

Sometimes I feel like I know i need to leave but I just wish he would just leave me so I can just get over it. I know if I leave him i'll try to get back...

I am too use to the "comfort" or whatever it may be. I know it sounds bad and that it makes me look like I am no where close to accepting any of the help that i've gotten... but I am honestly giving my all... it feels like I am always on the brink of cutting it and then something sucks me back in.

 

Keep posting here and get some counselling to help you gain the strength to end it. If you stay and pretend "it isn't happening" you'll only be living a lie and that will hurt you so deeply, for a long time and may take even longer to get over the insecurities and pain.

 

Leave now, you call the shots and let him suffer the consquences of his actions and choices.

 

You deserve so much more and he isn't going to give to you.

[stillwaitingonyou]

another thing that scares me is that I was speaking with my brother and I said "good. now that he's leaving his work he won't have to see that girl anymore" and i was happy for a split second... and then he said "well, if he has actually developed feelings for her... no matter where he is he'll always long for her. This may just make him open his eyes".

 

I understand that you guys are saying that this is a gamble and he may love me but he might just meet someone who he falls head over heels for. I am afraid she is it... it's too soon and I am not ready. I guess i'll never be ready.

[stillwaitingonyou]

He confessed to her that he has a crush on her. He played it off like it was no big deal... and that because he's going back to school that it wouldn't be a bad idea that they didn't see each other everyday - but it wasn't like he didn't want to though...

 

Is this a crush that can be buried?

[in_absentia]

Wow I just spent ages reading through all the pages in this thread because it interested me so much, and I really, REALLY feel for you. What you're going through after 6 years must feel like one of the worst things that's ever happened to you

 

I can't believe you haven't broken it off with this loser already, he's basically doing what he likes right under your nose, and the more he's pushed the boundaries the more you've accepted them, it can surely only be a matter of time before he cheats (if he hasn't already) seen as he probably thinks there won't be much resistance from you.

 

The whole letters thing, going out alone all the time thing, calling her names, singing her songs, taking her out to clubs all seem to me like he's basically treating her like his gf now, not you, while you dither around panicking incase it goes any further. It shouldn't matter whether it goes any further or not, what he's done already shows a MASSIVE disrespect to you and the relationship and to be honest I'd be amazed if he still cared and wanted it to continue seriously.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh or anything, I really feel for you cos you seem to be an intelligent caring person dealing with a lot of **** from him, but seriously mate you have to grow a pair and tell him where to go. NO ONE should be treated like he's treating you, and you're allowing him to do it. The girl seems a bit creepy that she's going along with everything while knowing he has a gf but you don't know what he's telling her, and ultimately it's not her relationship she's pissing all over, it's your boyfriends responsibility.

 

I really hope you find the strength to do what is best for you, and find someone who actually will value and respect you and not walk all over you. You sound lovely and like you would have no problems finding someone else, so please build yourself up, realise you don't have to take this and try get a semblance of dignity back by telling him you've had enough and it's over.

 

Keep us posted eh

[whichwayisup]

He confessed to her that he has a crush on her. He played it off like it was no big deal... and that because he's going back to school that it wouldn't be a bad idea that they didn't see each other everyday - but it wasn't like he didn't want to though...

 

Is this a crush that can be buried?

 

He's telling you bits and pieces, partial truths. Yes he told her about his crush...Did he tell you how she reacted? I don't believe for ONE second that she doesn't feel the same way. Remember this is the girl who wrote your boyfriend a 5 page letter! Sadly, I think he's telling you stuff like he won't see her daily anymore, and that it would be better that way etc...ALL to throw you off track and let go of the fact that they are having (at best) an emotional affair.

 

If he wants the crush to end, it'll end...But from what you've said so far, it seems he won't, even with the latest update. I mean think about it, WHY on earth would he TELL her he has a crush on her? That's TOTALLY inappropriate of him to do seeing as he has a girlfriend - You!

 

Is this relationship worth saving? He is worth the effort? Do the bad feelings outweigh the good feelings? Can you trust him?

[stillwaitingonyou]

I know this shouldn't matter and I should just walk away but we had a huge serious conversation yesterday. Whether this should mean something to me or not... I'm not sure. I guess in my heart I am still not ready to let go. and I don't think I ever will.

 

I told him that we needed to talk. That I cannot go on anymore PRETENDING that I don't know what is happening. I called him out on the girl. I said I know you told her that you had a crush on her (I read your text messages) and I came clean and I said that I know what I did was wrong but the fact that I don't trust you and that I found something now is making me wonder.

 

He just broke down and told me that yes, he has feelings for her. A Crush - big or small? who knows. But either way he has feelings for her but isn't wanting to break up with me. He says that he loves me and that he wouldn't know what to do if I left him. But he just can't control why he feels like this for her and why he thinks of her etc. He said he knows it isn't love... but he knows that it's more than just friendship.