stillwaitingonyou Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Hi everyone... I need some help. I am 28 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for 6 years... we started dating through mutual friends who we met from school. I admit that we went through quite a bit together... in the 6 years that we have been going out he had lost a huge part of him - his father. We have broken up once... but that has only been for a month and a bit. He had kind of rebounded with someone he knows through friends but that didn't go anywhere because he said "he just couldn't do it". The last couple of months has been hard. He had met a girl from work whom he feels is one of the "coolest" girls he's ever met. At first I was a little bit weary because she is younger then him by a couple of years, she's very vibrant and "happy", and she's gorgeous. They share a lot of similarities from fitness to career goals and what not. I feel like I have been almost "replaced". I am a complete opposite of this girl. I have told him that I wanted to get married... he knows where I am in life and that I am getting impatient. The thing that frustrates me is that on Sunday's he would go for dinner with her when he could be with me... He doesn't hang out with her every Sunday but still quite a few. I know he said that what he went through was a really tough time and that she really understands him because she went through a really tough time and I really don't get it because I have my parents etc... but it's like, do you really need to confide in her THAT much. They also talk on the phone at night... for god knows how long. I saw her today while we were getting something at the store. She walked by with a nice smile and a short hello and walked away. Didn't really make conversation. I told my boyfriend to ask her why she didn't chat more and she just said that we looked busy and didn't want to disturb us... Could she be hiding something? A lot of people have told me that guys don't usually stay with their first girlfriend. We started dating when he was really young and I was definitely his first serious girlfriend. I had a serious boyfriend prior to him... so maybe I am just being paranoid or something but it's been something that I have been thinking about. Am I still making excuses for him? Even though he talks to me everyday and he tells me he loves me and that their friendship is only that - friendship. I think if I was brutally honest with myself I could say what scares me is that she is a more attractive, younger, and honestly more successful woman than me. My boyfriend works in a very strong, male - dominated profession... very white collared and old fashion and she works along side with him. I feel almost like I'm over the hill and she's some excited new little fox... I had told my boyfriend about my concerns and he just comes back with "she's just like a sister to me and even if I wanted to date her she is completely independent right now. She just got out of a really long term relationship and could care less of jumping into another one". Another thing that happened a couple of weeks ago was this girl goes on a work convention and my bf is going next week (thank god). I had met up with him for dinner and I was waiting for him in his room to finish getting ready and I see this envelope on his side table. I ask him what it was and he acts like it's no big deal "oh, it's a letter that ___ wrote me". I said "Really?" in a way where it sounded like I didn't care... and he's like "yeah. It's about 5 pages long!" and I respond "whoa. that's a long letter. what's the occasion?" and he just responds "oh, we just decided we'd write each other a long letter for her travel". I was shocked that he also had written her a 5 page letter... I asked him what was in the letters and he just said "stuff". Then I did something... horrible. I read it. Well her version anyways... Her version was just full of friendship things about how easy it is to be such good friends. Again about more death and her reassuring him that it will turn out to be a blessing and that he will eventually live to learn from his sadness rather than dwelling on it. None of which she had said anything "suggestive" that they had things going on... but there were definitely inside jokes that only those two would get. I'm not sure how to respond. I feel after so many years of being with this guy... that I should be able to trust him. But I also have come to realize that he may definitely have feelings for this girl. Whether or not it is worthy enough for him to leave me for her... but either way he finds a deep connection with this lady I think and unfortunately it's not something that he's expressed to me. I know that I don't trust him right now... and it drives me insane because every time I think something is happening and I snoop or try to figure things out and question him, I come out with nothing. But recently they have gotten fairly close and I know he talks to her at night. My boyfriend had gone through a tragic time about 2 years ago when his dad passed away and he had always told me the last couple of years have been blurry and that they seem almost at a standstill. I know that this girl and him talk about death a lot because recently her mother passed away and they *click*. I want to say that I am confident that he will NEVER cheat on me but emotional cheating is a completely different ballpark. The worst is that we have trips planned and everything for the next half a year... So for all of you who are the OW or OM or someone who have been in my position... what do you think? My sister says that no matter what happens you cannot make a man who doesn't want to stay, stay. Whether you blame the other woman or yourself either way they have the last choice. A lot of my friends who don't know the situation well feel that they will end up together!! I'm so heartbroken...
OWoman Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Your paranoia may well drive him into her arms. There will ALWAYS be someone younger, prettier, sexier. If you are feeling insecure, you will always find someone to project that threat onto. If you are feeling something is missing in your R, deal with that - you feel you're ready to get married, your BF isn't? Perhaps the age difference is getting to you - guys typically mature slower than girls and so you may have shifted into a different life stage while he's still in the one you left behind. If they're good friends, why should that be a threat to the R - unless you're feeling you ought to be everything to him?
GPFan Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 All their sharing around Death and 'inside jokes' suggest an intimate relationship. It is true this sort of intimacy leads to emotional and, possibly, physical affairs. You are not losing your mind and you have reason to be concerned! What can you do? Do some reading on relationships and establish a set of personal boundaries around what you will and will not accept in his dealings with other women. Communicate clearly what your boundaries are to him and be prepared to act decisively. He sounds like a good guy who is trying to process personal trauma. I know how tough that can be. Another suggestion is grief counselling. A professional with whom he can work through his feelings about his Father's death. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.
Adunaphel Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I hate to say this but i think you have *every* reason to be concerned. I just wonder whether he is not aware that his friendship with this girl is drifting into an emotional affair, or he knows very well that it is more than just the average friendship but he is trying hard to persuade himself (and you) that it is okay as long as some lines are not crossed.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I had told my boyfriend about my concerns and he just comes back with "she's just like a sister to me and even if I wanted to date her she is completely independent right now. She just got out of a really long term relationship and could care less of jumping into another one". Are you kidding me? He actually said this to you? Yeah this is a big red flag... His response to you was the WRONG one. It's the even if I wanted to date her....Uhh, hello, YOU are his girlfriend so why would he word it like that? IF anything, they are having an emotional affair. They are in the getting to know you phase, building a friendship aka EA. They are bonding and growing as friends, excluding you. Why are you not included in their Sunday outings? Why hasn't she been pushing to meet you and spend time with you two as a couple? This friendship of theirs is a selfish one and you have every right to be concerned. He is pretending there are no feelings there and downplaying it. I can't believe he used the sister line on you either.. If he felt that way, then she would be seeing you BOTH, not just him. The 5 paged letter? Another red flag. He knows that you're upset and he should have let you read the letter not just tell you "stuff." If he is having issues with his fathers death he needs counselling, not another woman to help him cope better. HIS intentions may not be "cheating" but who knows what hers are? If he is vunerable, and the timing is right - She could easily use that against him and next thing you know an innocent hug could turn into something more.. Anyway, the bottomline is, their friendship is making you feel uncomfortable and he isn't doing anything about it to make you feel secure and loved in your relationship. He needs to understand by spending one on one time with an OW, it takes time away from you. HE is allowing feelings to grow and putting himself in situations with her that could lead to something else. Aside from this girl, how is the rest of your relationship?
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If they're good friends, why should that be a threat to the R - unless you're feeling you ought to be everything to him? If this "friendship" is platonic and she has HIS best interest at heart, then she would be asking to befriend his girlfriend as well, not bond with him and send him 5 page letters. She is TOO close for comfort and he is allowing it to happen. This is not cool in any committed relationship, and is why the other person needs to be involved on occasion too.
Adunaphel Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Are you kidding me? He actually said this to you? Yeah this is a big red flag... His response to you was the WRONG one. It's the even if I wanted to date her....Uhh, hello, YOU are his girlfriend so why would he word it like that? I absolutely second this. In may experience if a guy uses the "no reason to worry, I could not date her anyway" line, he is actually considering dating someone else an option. Not reassuring at all. A response like "she is like a sister and it is you I want to be with" would have been quite different.
Lizzie60 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I think it's already too late IMO.. they have something together that excludes you. He said she is independent.. well that's why he keeps her around.. he's waiting for her move... she got him hooked... that's what confidence and independence does... The talking on the phone at night, the letter, all the time they spend together.. hummm... I say you are very naive.. and you should put an end to all this nonsense.. they are having an affair.. and even if you say that he would NEVER ever cheat on you.. well he already does... Unless you are with him 24 hours a day, there is no way you can say that they never had kissed or had sex... sorry but that's reality. If I were you, I would move on.... I know it's hard.. but he already has. You can't force someone to love you or to stay with you against their will... he's waiting for her to be ready and that's quite obvious. It seems that you're the only one who doesn't see it.
OWoman Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If this "friendship" is platonic and she has HIS best interest at heart, then she would be asking to befriend his girlfriend as well No way! I do not ask to befriend my friends' partners - that's just downright creepy! My friendships are with them, not with them and their extended families! That screams "stalker" to me. If we meet up coincidentally and get introduced, fair enough. If we hit it off and become friends too, great. But to set out to include someone you wouldn't normally be friends with - that's just going to place strain on the friendship, make the person feel crowded and smothered and leave them no area of their lives that is their own. I have always kept my friends separate from my colleagues separate from my family separate from my lovers; it works brilliantly. MM has met those friends of mine he'd have something in common with (admittedly, that's most of them) but I know there are some of my friends that would irritate him and so I see them without him. I'm sure there are - or will be - friends of his I won't get on with, and he's free to socialise with them and bond with them to his heart's content without dragging me into it. Same way I wouldn't want to muscle in on his relationships with his kids - he needs time alone with them, that doesn't involve me, aside from any time we spend all together. I think that's normal and healthy. If we were to be joined at the hip and only have friends that were "ours" (rather than his, or mine) I'd find that oppressive and controlling and would be out of there faster than a speeding bullet. "Let there be spaces in your togetherness", as (I think it was) Khalil Gibran put it.
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Hi Stillwaiting after reading your whole post I gotta say you have every right to feel the things you are feeling your man has given you plenty reason to feel threatened in the things he says, I don't know that he has done much in the way of actions but having dinners on weekends with this girl and the long conversations on the phone when they already see each other at work every day is a HUGE red flag. Listen to your instinct here if something isn't sitting right it's because something is happening to trigger this. I know that I don't trust him right now... and it drives me insane because every time I think something is happening and I snoop or try to figure things out and question him, I come out with nothing. But recently they have gotten fairly close and I know he talks to her at night. My boyfriend had gone through a tragic time about 2 years ago when his dad passed away and he had always told me the last couple of years have been blurry and that they seem almost at a standstill. I know that this girl and him talk about death a lot because recently her mother passed away and they *click*. Nothing bonds two people together more than shared trauma it creates and instant feeling of comaradery and a deep connection. Also, I know he said she is "like" a sister, but keep in mind she is NOT his sister. There isn't much you can do in the way of preventing this friendship from happening but keep an eye open and protect yourself. Lastly but MOST importantly, he actually said to you that this is "the coolest girl he has ever met"? exactly where does that leave you then if she is THE COOLEST. That is a HUGE eye opener. Oh and no it is not necessarily true that all men leave their first girlfriends, a lot of them actually marry them.
Author stillwaitingonyou Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Well the rest of our relationship is somewhat the same... steady and just the way it has been. My boyfriend has always been close to his bestfriends and they spend a lot of time together going for drinks and doing guy things. I guess it's just the male bonding he needs without his father. I know I am being naive and that this other girl and more importantly my boyfriend could be jepradizing my relationship... I just don't understand why. Maybe it's been a long time coming? I do blame myself for the pressure that I put on him for possibly the new phase that I am going through. I just feel that he should also consider that I am getting older as well and it is important to me that I get married and start having kids. I know it may sound desperate but I am approaching my 30's and I just want to get on with it and if it's not with him... then I am wasting my time being in this "dead end" relationship. Sometimes I get so angry and I feel that I can just get up and leave but then I think about the years we've spent together and I just don't think I have it in me to just walk away - especially without proof. I just don't understand why he would stick it out for 6 more years if he isn't in love with me anymore. If he really wanted this girl (and there isn't any confirmation that he does) then why doesn't he just go for it... If I am so "over the hill" for myself... and I'm being replaced right infront of my eyes with someone young, pretty, and exciting... Are you kidding me? He actually said this to you? Yeah this is a big red flag... His response to you was the WRONG one. It's the even if I wanted to date her....Uhh, hello, YOU are his girlfriend so why would he word it like that? IF anything, they are having an emotional affair. They are in the getting to know you phase, building a friendship aka EA. They are bonding and growing as friends, excluding you. Why are you not included in their Sunday outings? Why hasn't she been pushing to meet you and spend time with you two as a couple? This friendship of theirs is a selfish one and you have every right to be concerned. He is pretending there are no feelings there and downplaying it. I can't believe he used the sister line on you either.. If he felt that way, then she would be seeing you BOTH, not just him. The 5 paged letter? Another red flag. He knows that you're upset and he should have let you read the letter not just tell you "stuff." If he is having issues with his fathers death he needs counselling, not another woman to help him cope better. HIS intentions may not be "cheating" but who knows what hers are? If he is vunerable, and the timing is right - She could easily use that against him and next thing you know an innocent hug could turn into something more.. Anyway, the bottomline is, their friendship is making you feel uncomfortable and he isn't doing anything about it to make you feel secure and loved in your relationship. He needs to understand by spending one on one time with an OW, it takes time away from you. HE is allowing feelings to grow and putting himself in situations with her that could lead to something else. Aside from this girl, how is the rest of your relationship?
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I think you need to talk to him, let him know how it makes you feel when he spends so much time with her. Ask him how HE would feel if you were spending the same amount of time with another guy, someone that wrote you a 5 paged personal letter, someone who you thought as 'just a brother' and was 'independent' and helped you through a rough time, someone you opened up to on a regular basis, did emails and talked to on the phone... I BET he would be quite jealous and hurt, let alone wonder if anything was going on between you two...Seriously ask him. Also mention to him that you aren't going to put up with this and that if he is having second thoughts on the relationship, then maybe you two either need a break or need some couples therapy. I know I am being naive and that this other girl and more importantly my boyfriend could be jepradizing my relationship... I just don't understand why. Maybe it's been a long time coming? I do blame myself for the pressure that I put on him for possibly the new phase that I am going through. I just feel that he should also consider that I am getting older as well and it is important to me that I get married and start having kids. I know it may sound desperate but I am approaching my 30's and I just want to get on with it and if it's not with him... then I am wasting my time being in this "dead end" relationship. Sometimes I get so angry and I feel that I can just get up and leave but then I think about the years we've spent together and I just don't think I have it in me to just walk away - especially without proof. I just don't understand why he would stick it out for 6 more years if he isn't in love with me anymore. If he really wanted this girl (and there isn't any confirmation that he does) then why doesn't he just go for it... The other girl more than likely couldn't give a crap about your relationship or you. If she did, she would be making sure YOU are okay with them spending alot of time together. As would he, but he isn't. He just wants you to accept it with a smile on your face. I say no way! He does love you, it's just that this other girl has caught his attention, she's different and new, brings some excitement into his life. Once the novelity of her wears off, who knows - But by then it could be too late, in the sense of how serious the feelings are between them. You don't have to break up with him, but you do have to let him know that he cannot have it both ways. If he isn't the one for you, better to find out now and deal with the loss, then to get married and find out he was never ready to marry you, and ended up cheating on you... If I am so "over the hill" for myself... and I'm being replaced right infront of my eyes with someone young, pretty, and exciting... You aren't over the hill. This girl obviously is giving him something, an ego feed and he likes that attention. My god, she wrote him a 5 page letter, so I'm sure that makes him feel special. The thing is, it is selfish of him to be enjoying this..On the expense of you. I just don't understand why. Maybe it's been a long time coming? I do blame myself for the pressure that I put on him for possibly the new phase that I am going through. I just feel that he should also consider that I am getting older as well and it is important to me that I get married and start having kids. What do you mean? Either way, you are not the blame for him choosing to spend his time with another woman. That is his choice.
porter218 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 In this situation the bottom line is you are not happy. I wouldn't be happy at all either with my man being that close to another woman. He is young and may not understand that this kind of friendship is not OK...also being the only girlfriend he has ever had, he is only figuring everything out with you. Just tell him this is going too far and he has to either limit his friendship with this girl or leave the relationship. You said you don't want to leave without any proof, but what kind of proof do you need? In all reality would you be happy with him for the rest of your life if he always had this private friendship with this girl?
Author stillwaitingonyou Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 I think you need to talk to him, let him know how it makes you feel when he spends so much time with her. Ask him how HE would feel if you were spending the same amount of time with another guy, someone that wrote you a 5 paged personal letter, someone who you thought as 'just a brother' and was 'independent' and helped you through a rough time, someone you opened up to on a regular basis, did emails and talked to on the phone... I BET he would be quite jealous and hurt, let alone wonder if anything was going on between you two...Seriously ask him. Also mention to him that you aren't going to put up with this and that if he is having second thoughts on the relationship, then maybe you two either need a break or need some couples therapy. The other girl more than likely couldn't give a crap about your relationship or you. If she did, she would be making sure YOU are okay with them spending alot of time together. As would he, but he isn't. He just wants you to accept it with a smile on your face. I say no way! He does love you, it's just that this other girl has caught his attention, she's different and new, brings some excitement into his life. Once the novelity of her wears off, who knows - But by then it could be too late, in the sense of how serious the feelings are between them. You don't have to break up with him, but you do have to let him know that he cannot have it both ways. If he isn't the one for you, better to find out now and deal with the loss, then to get married and find out he was never ready to marry you, and ended up cheating on you... You aren't over the hill. This girl obviously is giving him something, an ego feed and he likes that attention. My god, she wrote him a 5 page letter, so I'm sure that makes him feel special. The thing is, it is selfish of him to be enjoying this..On the expense of you. What do you mean? Either way, you are not the blame for him choosing to spend his time with another woman. That is his choice. You're absolutely right... I HAVE to talk to him. I just have to find up the courage. I do believe what others are saying as well and that he may just be waiting for her to give him the permission. It sucks but I asked my brother about it and he told me that guys always have to make sure it's worth leaving what they have. Some won't just leave to pursue something else because what they have already is so easy. If she gives him the green light then he could be out of there. Just because he stays doesn't mean he still loves you... it could mean that it's convenient. I know my brother was just giving me tough love but he hates my boyfriends guts for putting me through this... he can't stand me crying. And it hasn't just been a month of this... this has been happening since December...
whichwayisup Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 Your brother cares and hates to see you upset. Ofcourse he is going to be pissed at your boyfriend, rightfully so. We're almost 6 months now so yeah, your boyfriend IS up to no good and he needs to end it. If he is unwilling to end it, as painful as it is for you, maybe you do need to break up with him. You can't control him, or her, only yourself. Keep posting and we'll help you get the courage to talk to him about this. 6 months is too long for you to deal with him going off with an OW. That's just crappy of him!
GPFan Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 It sucks but I asked my brother about it and he told me that guys always have to make sure it's worth leaving what they have. Some won't just leave to pursue something else because what they have already is so easy. If she gives him the green light then he could be out of there. Just because he stays doesn't mean he still loves you... it could mean that it's convenient.Your brother gave it to you straight. 6-months? I bet you are ready for a bit of peace in your life, eh?
Author stillwaitingonyou Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 Your brother gave it to you straight. 6-months? I bet you are ready for a bit of peace in your life, eh? I tried to talk to him today... there were periods where he got a bit defensive and there were periods where he was joking around like nothing is happening. He started off joking around and laughing it off but when I really pried into it and said it is honestly bothering me he said that after all these years I should know him better. I feel hurt because yes, I don't have proof and it may all be in my insecurities, however I also feel hurt because he cannot acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong. He says he thinks of this girl as a friend... and only that and that I'm just going crazy. I think I just need to really convince myself and get enough courage to walk away. All this "other woman" aside... I need to make myself understand that even though there is someone else in the picture now... what is his intentions? Being together for 6 years... is that not enough for him to want to marry me? i don't want to sound insecure or desperate but I think he's made me like this. I need to know that even without someone else that waiting around for him to commit to me like I need him to isn't going to happen. It doesn't matter if it's with this girl or possibly the next... 6 years should tell you that you want to be with someone forever? especially at this age? doesn't it? Is this really a dead end either way... :(
OWoman Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 what is his intentions? Being together for 6 years... is that not enough for him to want to marry me? i don't want to sound insecure or desperate but I think he's made me like this. I need to know that even without someone else that waiting around for him to commit to me like I need him to isn't going to happen. It doesn't matter if it's with this girl or possibly the next... 6 years should tell you that you want to be with someone forever? especially at this age? doesn't it? Is this really a dead end either way... I think this is really the nub of it. You're older, in a different life stage, ready to move on to the Next Step. He's younger, still checking out possibilities, happy where he is. Increasingly this tension will play out between you. He may well know that you're the one he wants to be with forever, but still not be ready to label himself "married". Agewise, he's still a kid - and perhaps one of the reasons he's needing a close friend outside your R is exactly to discuss the growing concerns he's feeling around the expectations that your R is ready to move to Next Steps and he may not feel ready in himself. Whatever you do, don't force the R to the next step simply to get a commitment from him to address your insecurities about where its going. If he's not ready for it, and simply goes along with it to keep you, he will feel increasingly under pressure, will look outside for someone who understands him and WILL land up forging deeper connections that you find threatening to the R. Rather address things now - through R counselling if you're feeling he's unable to hear or acknowledge your concerns on this - and then decide where your paths will lead, whether together or apart.
frannie Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I tried to talk to him today... there were periods where he got a bit defensive and there were periods where he was joking around like nothing is happening. He started off joking around and laughing it off but when I really pried into it and said it is honestly bothering me he said that after all these years I should know him better. I feel hurt because yes, I don't have proof and it may all be in my insecurities, however I also feel hurt because he cannot acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong. He says he thinks of this girl as a friend... and only that and that I'm just going crazy. I think I just need to really convince myself and get enough courage to walk away. Well his joking around and laughing off something that is hurting you isn't a good sign. Neither is his expectation that you should blindly trust him when it's obvious something is off. And I really hope he didn't say you were 'going crazy' because that's not very respectful of him. All in all he's not treating you very well here. He should be putting your feelings first in all this, not laughing when you bring your concerns to him. Also, you do have proof. You have all the proof you need that he's spending inappropriate amounts of time with her, on the phone, sending each other 5-page letters, what more do you need? That's a relationship he's building there with her, which excludes you, and is driving a wedge between you two. And all he can do is laugh it off. I think you would be best off breaking things off with him. Perhaps then he'll be forced to think about what he's doing here.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 He says he thinks of this girl as a friend... and only that and that I'm just going crazy. Bullsh.it. HE IS trying to make it seem like it's all in your head, that you are the crazy one. He's making it look like you're too insecure and to PULL the line, you should know me better than that - BULLCRAP! He isn't doing anything in words or in actions to make you feel better. Get a trust friend to follow him. Someone he doesn't really know and won't recognize. Or hire a PI.
Author stillwaitingonyou Posted June 5, 2008 Author Posted June 5, 2008 I don't understand... yesterday I went to bed so upset. This morning he had sent me a cute text saying "11:00" and I was so confused and at 11 i had flowers sent to my work! I called him at lunch and asked him what they were for? and he said that I deserved them. My brother keeps telling me he is just trying to eat up his guilt. Is it odd that we have been dating for 6 years and he still does not want to move in with me? I know i go back and forth with decisions and I really just need to convince myself to move on and not take his bs and to stop rationalizing HIS actions... but he is my life.
frannie Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I really just need to convince myself to move on and not take his bs and to stop rationalizing HIS actions... but he is my life. OK, well maybe that is what you should be doing. I mean, the flowers... how long does it take to get on the phone and order some flowers so he can get back in your good books..? Sorry, just playing devil's advocate a little here, maybe.
Trialbyfire Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 This "too close for comfort" female friend of his, is just a symptom of the relationship issues you have with him. I also agree that the two of you are in different stages of life, where you're ready to settle down and he's not ready to let go of his singledom. All you can do is to talk to him. If he amends his behaviour, he's yours. If he doesn't, my opinion is that you should stop wasting your time with him and find someone who will give you the comfort level you need to be happy in a relationship.
Author stillwaitingonyou Posted June 6, 2008 Author Posted June 6, 2008 And when I thought I was just bouncing back from trying to stay and trying to move... this happens. I know it's bad because I already do not trust him but I have my proof now. Whether I think it's bad or it isn't actually that bad... tell me what you guys think of this. My boyfriend, before this one girl, has always flirted. He had met someone in college and she obviously had a crush on him. He totally played on that, sure, it was very long ago and definitely it was an ego boost for her and himself but I just can't shake the fact that even though his flirting had stemmed from years ago that this is just another layer. I had caught him writing and email and her response... They email each other quite a bit during work because I guess their work emails get traced... he said, "Hey, It was a fun day today... minus all the tutorial meetings that we had to do. It was pretty interested to see how you had reacted to when I called you Hun and Honey. Haha!! I mean, you got super uncomfortable and weird and you never did that before! Anyway, this project is going to be fun and that'll in the cause of all my overtime for the next two months!" She said, "Hey, what do you mean? the tutorial's are awesome... *sarcasm*. What do you mean I acted weird and uncomfortable? I always react like that when you do that... lol. But yeah you never normally do that so I was just caught off guard. ha-ha for you, I'm not doing overtime at all during the summer!" he said, "Well, I know I don't say it that often but it was just funny to see your reaction because you never act like that. You had this face of uncomfortableness, embarrassment, and disgust - haha! I just didn't expect you to react like that!" "Well yeah! It was weird... you had said that before online so it wasn't as weird so you just caught me off guard! Lol. I wasn't disgusted but yeah it was just weird. But why do you think it's so funny? Don't be inappropriate! LOL! And how did you expect to react? you're weird!" "I think you just thought I meant more to it then what I did. Like, I was joking but you acted super weird and uncomfortable about it so maybe you thought It meant more then what it really was? I was just joking, settle down! And I don't know, I just didn't expect that kind of response. I guess I was expecting a more positive response rather then awkwardness and disgust... " "LOL! I knew you were joking but it is still weird to hear OKAY! What are you trying to imply? I ddidn't think anything more of it... so don't flatter yourself!" Basically that was the majority of their conversation. To me it sounded pretty... awkward. I am planning on confronting him about it because he shouldn't be calling another girl a BABE, HONEY, SWEETIE, or wahtever!! Even if he is joking. I don't know... it just keep running through my head and what someone had posted before that he is testing the waters and seeing how she reacts. If she reacts positively then who knows what would have happened... UGHH!!!! i CAN'T STAND HIM I'm crying and typing at the same time!
OWoman Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 To me it sounded pretty... awkward. To me, it sounds pretty... childish. SWOY, you're dealing with a kid, who enjoys fooling around on a kid level. You've moved beyond that - to you, that kind of interaction is serious, and signifies something on a level which I don't think those kids are at. Do you want to be with a kid, or do you want to be with someone who's ready for something more serious, ready to settle and move on - someone in the same head space you're in?
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