sedgwick Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Every time I go to sleep I dream of him. I dream we get back together. I dream he's kissing me, holding me. In my dreams he tells me he loves me. Then I wake up and remember that we're not back together, he's not here, and he's not speaking to me anymore. I just can't forgive myself for fu*king up the relationship. I feel like it was all my fault. Whether it was or not, I feel 100% responsible for the breakup. I can't believe I quit banjo lessons. The only reason he started dating me in the first place, I now assume, is because I was studying banjo at the time. Then I quit because a) I got into a dance company, b) I sold my book, and c) I couldn't afford it (yes, b and c are at odds, but I don't get the money until I turn the edited book in.) I am required to take regular dance and yoga classes as part of being in the company, so basically I could either pay for that or banjo lessons. I just feel like that was SO disrespectful of who he is and what he does. I can't believe I didn't talk it over with him before I quit. I also know I shouldn't have told him I loved him so soon, I shouldn't have talked about commitment, I shouldn't have let him read my book. I shouldn't have cried in front of him. I shouldn't have bothered him with my problems when he's so busy. I shouldn't have told him I wanted to spend more time with him. I realize now I was pressuring him, and I'm sure that's why he left. That, and the quitting music lessons. He really prides himself on being friends with his exes, but I fu*ked up so badly he doesn't even want to know me. I'm awake right now throwing up because I feel so guilty and awful. Yes, I know I should be doing better after almost a year. And I am; I don't cry as much as I used to. Now it's only about once a week instead of every five minutes. But my mind tortures me with constant thoughts of him. I'm having trouble writing because it's not music. I'm having trouble feeling worthy of doing anything because I am so worthless to him. Today I skipped a friend's birthday party because I'm not a musician and I felt embarrassed to be around other people because I have nothing to offer. I realize this is totally irrational. I'm not so dissociated from reality I don't know how stupid I'm being. But I just cannot forgive myself, and I need him to forgive me. I want to contact him and ask for his forgiveness, but I know he doesn't have time to talk to me. Everything I do, except dance, I do with half the enthusiasm I used to. I feel like I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life, because I could never trust anyone again. I thought I was so right, and I was so wrong. The person I trust the least is myself.
0hpenelope Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 It sounds like you hit another valley in your recovery process, sedge. We're with you. And you're right, I don't like sleeping when I'm bothered by dreams of Lawrence. I made a thread about that not too long ago and the way I cope is very unhealthy - after having any bad dream, I won't sleep the next night (and for a few nights) until I'm absolutely certain that I'm very tired. I'm one of those sleepers who don't dream when I'm tired to the bone. Does dancing or yoga pick your mood up? I know that when I do yoga even when I say I don't feel like it, it provides that natural high.
Citizen Erased Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Oh dear Lord. The fact that you were even learning to play the Banjo concerns me. How do you decide to play the banjo? Your breakup had nothing to do with banjo lessons. He is a self absorbed nut job who doesn't actually want to be happy so he intentionally destructs any relationship he has when the girl gets too close. He does not want to be friends with you because he knows you still love him. That you wouldn't have moved on. And he knows he can't give you what you want. You need to get over this obsession with not being a musician. You are a freaking writer. Most people would give their left arm for the opportunity you have had in publishing your book. THAT is more impressive then being some struggling musician who doesn't bathe, doesn't take care of themself and treats people like crap because they can't deal with their own emotions, let alone those of anyone else.
Nemo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 , I feel 100% responsible for the breakup. I can't believe I quit banjo lessons. The only reason he started dating me in the first place, I now assume, is because I was studying banjo at the time. Then I quit because Look, you can come up with a million excuses not to finish what you started, but the bottom line is that nobody respects a quitter. And, in your heart, you know that. At least you know what not to do next time. Anyway, it's good that you have accepted responsibility, and I hope that, in time, he can forgive you. But I'm not sure that I could, if I was in his position. Life goes on, with or without us.
borelandkaren Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 When I smoked ****loads of dope, I never had dreams.....now, however
Storyrider Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I read your threads often Sedgwick, but usually don't post. I don't believe his decision to break up is something you could have controlled, in any way. So long as you continue to believe you had influence over that decision, you will continue to be tortured. You have zero control over how another person feels about you. You can control your behavior, of course, but not how he responds to it. You were true to yourself, and you loved him the best you could. That is all anyone can do.
Storyrider Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Look, you can come up with a million excuses not to finish what you started, but the bottom line is that nobody respects a quitter. And, in your heart, you know that. At least you know what not to do next time. Anyway, it's good that you have accepted responsibility, and I hope that, in time, he can forgive you. But I'm not sure that I could, if I was in his position. Life goes on, with or without us. This would make sense if the banjo were her life's passion, but it wasn't. It was his. her interests and gifts lie elsewhere. The banjo is a complete red herring.
Nemo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 You were true to yourself, and you loved him the best you could. That is all anyone can do. That's beautiful.
Author sedgwick Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Look, you can come up with a million excuses not to finish what you started, but the bottom line is that nobody respects a quitter. And, in your heart, you know that. At least you know what not to do next time. Anyway, it's good that you have accepted responsibility, and I hope that, in time, he can forgive you. But I'm not sure that I could, if I was in his position. Oh my god...you really do think it was all my fault for quitting banjo lessons! That's, like, my worst fear, and I try to tell myself it's irrational, but you've confirmed it. I really hoped that he wouldn't see me as a quitter -- it's not like I quit because I was lazy, I quit because I got into a dance company and had to make a choice between the thing I love most in the world and have busted my ass to be good at and the thing I had just begun. And I sold a book and had to write it. But you're right, those are excuses. I should have found a way to earn the money, found the time to take on a second job, something. You said you don't think you could forgive me. Do you think there's anything at all I could try? Do you think if I contacted him accepting full responsibility and agreeing to go back to banjo lessons he might forgive me? Would that make YOU forgive me? I am shaking having read this. I was kind of starting to feel a little better and now I feel like total sh*t again. God I am so sorry for what I did. I am so ashamed to have looked like a quitter even though I was working my ass off on the things I love. Oh god I feel sick. Please tell me if you think there's anything at all I can do, or if you think he's lost all respect for me and it's too late. He does not want to be friends with you because he knows you still love him. That you wouldn't have moved on. How does he know I haven't moved on? Jesus, I feel more pathetic now than when I posted this thread in the first place. But thank you, guys, for at least being honest with me. *goes to puke some more*
Nemo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 , I quit because I got into a dance company and had to make a choice between the thing I love most in the world and have busted my ass to be good at and the thing I had just begun. I would have chosen the thing that is most important to me. Just like you did. And if there was a person in my life who did not understand why I made that choice, then they would not really know me at all. What you deserved was support, for realising a dream. For having the guts to follow your dream. And you should be proud of yourself.
Nevermind Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Great Nemo, having fun? Sedge: Nemo likes to make fun of people who are miserable. don't pay attention. He was being sarcastic, or at least I hope he was. It is not your fault. None of it. You know it, deep down you know it. You wrote a book, you did the thing you loved most, you were working, you had no time. It is completely ridiculous to think that you should have done more. What would you say to a girl that states: my boyfriend has to work 3 jobs, because I need gifts to feel loved. You would call her crazy, and selfish and immature. All those things apply to your boyfriend. DON'T contact your ex. DON'T beg for his forgiveness: you did NOTHING wrong. Nothing. You will only lose your dignity, nothing else. He left you because he was shallow and selfish, and no matter how good you'll play the banjo, he will not change that. If you had been a musician, he would have found another thing to break-up with you. He was not worthy of your love. Don't feel bad, please. You're great. You're amazing. It was not your fault. edit: He has no contact with you, because he doesn't care. There, that is a harsh truth for you. He doesn't know if you're over him or not, nor will he ever. You didn't break NC, neither did he. But for different reasons.
Nemo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 He has no contact with you, because he doesn't care. There, that is a harsh truth for you. You are kind of mean, but I respect your honesty.
Author sedgwick Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Oh believe me, I am fully aware he doesn't care. I wish so much that I had been worth caring about, but I wasn't. I honestly doubt he even remembers me at this point anyway. Nemo, what could I do if you were he to make you forgive me? Is there anything at all I could try?
Nemo Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Nemo, what could I do if you were he to make you forgive me? Is there anything at all I could try? I think you have it the wrong way around. It's him that needs to forgive you. Where was the understanding when you got accepted into the dance company? Anyway, I don't think anything more needs to be said. It just didn't work out. It's sad, but there's every reason to think that there are better things for you around the corner. Hang tough, and keep pursuing your dream.
Nevermind Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 sedge: I didn't say that to make you feel bad. I said it in reference to this: How does he know I haven't moved on? Jesus, I feel more pathetic now than when I posted this thread in the first place. You're not pathetic. And he doesn't know if you moved on or not. Your worth does not depend on him. You are better than that.
Lishy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Serously people, this is not a thread for random sarcasm! Sedge is seriously struggling and will take any slight as real and true ok! Sedge he did not leave because of you not playing a banjo. He left for reasons unknown to us and I am sure he does not know the pain he has left you in. He is a smelly, stinky, boney musician and I know I would prefer to be a belly dancing writer any day of the week! You have to stop beating yourself up and wake up and smell the coffee .... If you had been the country's number 1 banjo player he would have still left, the man has issues and the bastard wasnt man enough to give you his reasons! You could not control his reasons for walking away Sedge and I stand by my previous conviction that he knew he was not good enough for you!
borelandkaren Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Sedgwick, your ex was a TOSSER!!!!! Best off without him, darl! You're intelligent, witty, etc, etc. I'll bet he was a skinny ass dill who THOUGHT he was actually better at music than he really is!!! I'll bet you're a better writer and dancer than he is a good musician??? He sounds (?) like he had greasy hair ,too?
Author sedgwick Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 "Tosser" and "dill" are lovely words. The unfortunate thing is that he's an AMAZING musician. Just really incredible. He's absolutely every bit as talented as I am and then some. I guess that's what happens if you never stop playing! His hair wasn't greasy -- it was barely there. It was falling out because he was so emaciated.
foxh1234 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Sedge, I have read alot of your posts where you give great advice to others. I think you should reread some of them and take your own advice. As everyone has said before, you sound like an amazing person to me and you have to stop beating yourself up. I am also a musician and I would never judge anyone based on musical ability, that is insane. He did not dump you because of music. he has bigger problems than that. It has been a year you have been feeling bad and that is long enough. You were in a relationship and you gave it all you had. he did not give it his all and it ended. There was no more you could do Sedge, you said it the other day, you gave 120%. If it still didn't work, it had to be him. If another person doesn't want you, pick up the pieces and get over it. You have felt guilty long enough. You will never get better until you stop feeling guilty and playing the what if game. Please take this to heart and get better. You deserve it Sedge.
borelandkaren Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 "Tosser" and "dill" are lovely words. His hair wasn't greasy -- it was barely there. It was falling out because he was so emaciated. Welllllllll............Say no more!!!!!!!!
Lishy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I wish I could fast forward 18 months for you Sedge - I bet you will be feeling a whole lot different and wondering why you felt so bad about this poor excuse of a man! You really need to knock that dick off that pedestal! He does not deserve that place!
borelandkaren Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I wish I could fast forward 18 months for you Sedge - I bet you will be feeling a whole lot different and wondering why you felt so bad about this poor excuse of a man! You really need to knock that dick off that pedestal! He does not deserve that place! Withya Sista!!!
borelandkaren Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 "Tosser" and "dill" are lovely words. The unfortunate thing is that he's an AMAZING musician. Just really incredible. He's absolutely every bit as talented as I am and then some. I guess that's what happens if you never stop playing! His hair wasn't greasy -- it was barely there. It was falling out because he was so emaciated. Who is he??? Have we ever heard of him?? Will we ever hear of him? Methinks not!
Lishy Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I cannot see him being on MTV can you? I cannot think of one famous Banjo player! Sedge you have more personality, love and talent in your little finger then he has in his whole body! You will succeed and he will KNOW for sure that you were always too good for him!
Lookingforward Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Sedg - time for some "tough love" here Stop being so pathetic - so you're not a musician - wth CARES ??? You KNOW deep down that was just the easiest excuse he could grab for at the time - and he knows you well enough to know you would take that on board and internalise it, exactly as you have BEEN doing. You refuse to look at all your other talents - good god girl, do you even BEGIN to realise how MANY non musicians there are out there that don't have an ounce of the talent YOU have? Stop giving this creepazoid this kind of power over your thinking and being. I know you're going through another rough spot - but just STOP it before people start agreeing with your self estimation. Will that make you any happier ? Okay, I'm done now
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