Laszlo Kovacs Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 This is a follow up to a post a made over a week ago. I have included the background info from my previous post below. The new info is at the bottom in bold. I apologize about the length, but I just want to make sure all of the info is there so that I can get accurate advice. This is really tearing me up, so any help is greatly appreciated. the background I was together with a girl four years ago. We lived over an hour and a half away from each other, but we saw each other just about every weekend for a year and had a great time. We made a more or less mutual split and remained in contact over the years via email and sometimes a phone call around birthdays or holidays. I would see her about once a year and we would grab a meal and catch up. I always had strong feelings for her when we were together, but I never told her that I loved her because I had been hurt in a previous relationship and didn't want to risk getting too emotionally involved again. As the years passed, my feelings for her remained and I began to regret never telling her how I felt. So, a few months ago she unexpectedly asked me to go up to her college to see a concert with her. I went and we had a good time, but it was just as friends. When I was with her, I was hit over the head with how much I still loved her so I sent her a letter about a week later telling that I loved her and that it always made me sad that we haven't been able to spend time together over the years. She called me up and said that she felt the same way but that she has a lot going on in her life between being a college student, her family moving to New Jersey, her parents having relationship issues and maybe getting a divorce, and the fact that she would be spending most of the summer in Vermont and then going to Ecuador to study abroad in the fall. She wanted to know what I expected, and I didn't want to force her into anything so I said that I just wanted to spend more time with her and she agreed. She came back home from school a few weeks later and we hung out the first day that she was back. We went on a picnic to the beach and by the end of it, we were back in each others arms. That night, she had the question of where we would go from there. She said that she basically didn't want an exclusive relationship because she wanted to be realistic and didn't know what the future would hold for her since she was going to be away for a lot of the summer and in Ecuador. I told her that I know that she has a lot of things going on in her life and I don't want to get in the way of those things so I would accept being with her in an informal relationship as I just wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. I also told her that if she ever changes her mind, I just want her to be honest with me and even though it would hurt, I would accept it because I just wanted what is best for her. When I left the next day she said that she loved me and not to worry because this was only the beginning. We hung out the next weekend and things were awesome. The following weekend I went to visit her when she was back at school and things were still great. She even said that she wanted me to come up and visit her when she was in Vermont in the summer and she talked about all the great things we could do together there. We talked on the phone a few times a week and exchanged a few emails and facebook messages. We would always mention how much we loved each other and missed each other. Two weeks ago she came home from school. I didn't call her for a few days and she sent me a message about how she missed me. After reading the message, I called her house and her mom answered. I have a good relationship with the mom and asked her if she thought it would be a good idea if I came down and surprised Laura. She said that it was, so I made the hour and a half car ride and surprised Laura. She was glad to see me, but expressed how she felt bad because I was always the one that had to drive to see her. I told her that I realized that she didn't have a car and that it wasn't even an issue she should be concerned with because I just wanted to spend time with her even if it meant driving a while to do that. the problem At dinner, she mentioned how she was going to Pennsylvania that weekend to visit a guy friend who had been studying abroad all semester. She was even getting her hair cut and told me that she wanted to look pretty. Even though we had agreed to have an open relationship, this kind of put me off. I kind of got quiet during dinner and she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up the real reason I was being solemn because, quite honestly, I was afraid of what she might say, so I just told her that I was glad to have a second chance with her and I didn't want to do anything stupid and ruin it. She said that there was no need to worry. The rest of our night together was great. The weekend passed and I was worrying the entire time about what might be happening. I knew that it could be a possibility that she was more than friends with the guy, but I didn't care so much about that as much as maybe she would not want to be with me anymore or that she might have second thoughts about how she felt about me. I called her this past Monday and we had a decent conversation for a while. She asked how my weekend was and I told her it was alright and filled her in on how I was hanging out with my friends and what not, and she just said that her weekend was fine. It is important to note that at this point her family was getting ready to move later in the week and they still had a whole house to pack up. Laura and I had also talked about hanging out on the weekend. While we are talking, she was in her room looking at all of the stuff she still had to pack up and telling me how much it was stressing her out and how she just felt like running away from everything. Then she said that she needed to tell me that we wouldn't be able to hang out on the weekend like we had talked about because her family was moving Friday and they would be busy for the weekend with that. I told her that was okay but I wanted to see her during the week if possible because I knew she would be going to Vermont the following weekend. She said that couldn't happen because she had to worry about the move and everything going on with her family. I said that I understood but, in the back of my mind still worrying about what had happened on the weekend, I asked if there was any other reason. I honestly don't remember exactly what she said at this point, but it was something about how she didn't know anything anymore and everything was changing in her life and she didn't know what she wanted. I took this as meaning that our relationship was over so I started talking about how I didn't want to lose what we shared but at the same time I didn't want to prevent her from living her life. I wasn't angry or mean or anything at all, I was just letting out all of the emotions I had bottled up all weekend. It was clear that she didn't really want to have the conversation, and at one point said that she wish she hadn't said anything because her only intention was to tell me we couldn't hang out that weekend and nothing more. At this point I was unclear about where we stood so I asked what things were going to be like between us. She didn't understand my question, so I told her that I wanted to be able to be natural with her and I didn't want there to be a wall between us. She still didn't get what I was asking, so I asked, for lack of a better way to put it, would we still be more than friends. She said that she didn't see why that would change but later on she said there was no way to know how she would feel in the future and she didn't know what would happen since she would be studying abroad. She also said that she thinks she is too young to be having feelings like this and that she is afraid of getting too attached. I told her that she shouldn't worry about possibilities and just embrace what we have right now. I told her that I didn't expect anything more than to just spend time with her and enjoy what we share and then she'll go abroad and I'll be busy with my schooling and we'll see what happens when she gets back. She said that she was just in a negative mood and that she just needed that week to focus on her family and the move and that I shouldn't call her for a while. At this point, some flowers that I had ordered to be delivered for that afternoon arrived. When she got them, her voice kind of changed and she seemed a little more relaxed. She said that they were beautiful and that she felt bad and that I shouldn't worry, she just needed this week and she was sure everything would be fine. I asked what exactly she wanted from me, and she said that I should just give her the week to deal with things and that she would call me next week, or that I could call her, but she would probably call before that anyways. I said okay and I told her I loved her and she said "I love you" back. the dilemma It has now been two weeks and she has definitely moved and I believe she is going up to Vermont this week. She has not contacted me in any way and I have made no attempts to contact her. At first I was very sad about her calling, but now I have started to become a little bit angry as well because she said that she would call and she hasn't. I know she must have been busy with the move and now she is going to be heading up to Vermont for a while, but there is no way that she couldn't take a few minutes out of her day to call, or at least send an email! Why would she say that she would call and for me not to worry and then do this? I fear that she has intentionally left me hanging and it feels absolutely terrible. If she wants things to end, then why wouldn't she at least call me and allow us both to have some closure?! On the previous thread, people advised me to be patient and let her contact me. I have never done this with a girl before and I am wondering if maybe this could backfire? Would it be a bad idea to send a short and friendly "hope you're doing well" kind of email in a week or two? I definitely wouldn't mention the relationship or the conversation we had in the message. When we had the last conversation on the phone she did mention that I could call her, but I worry that if I called her that action in itself would force a situation so I figure if I needed to act, an email would be the safest bet. Is no contact at all really the safest bet in my situation? I really do love and care about this girl so I do not want to make the wrong move. But at the same time, I feel like perhaps she is telling me everything with her silence...that it's over. I just want to know what's going on for sure...I need to hear her say the words. Doesn't someone who claims to love me owe me at least that much? ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!
Exl Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Don't contact her. I know it's hard but don't give in. If she TRULY wants to get in touch, she will. If she is also waiting for your first contact, let her wait indefinitely and if she's hanging by the phone/e-mail waiting for it, that's her problem - as it would be playing games with you and is not right anyway. If she doesn't want to get in touch, there's nothing you can do at all. In any case, don't do it. Good luck.
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