moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Hi everyone, This may be strange to some frequent internet users, but this is the first forum site I have ever posted on. I've read tons, but never posted. However, I am in dire need for some third party insight. I am in a very precarious relationship. I have been with him for 2 and 1/2 years. I left a previous relationship for him, as he did for me. Both lasted 2 years, both were not healthy and we looking for reasons to leave. We dated only about 5 months before moving to his home town for the summer. We lived together until a few months ago. Getting our own places was my idea. It needed to happen for us to continue. We were both going threw massive changes. Changes which we inspired in eachother, and I believe are necessary and very very good. The situation morphed out of my control around a month or so ago. Now, I have a huge issue surrounding control. I am a control freak, he is anti-controlled. (part of my insane attraction to him) Even though I still believe that everything that is going on is for the best, I find myself trying to sabotoge what is happening. I have found myself being approached by older, mature, attractive men lately. I have no interest in dating someone else, but find this almost humorous timing. On my better days, I see this as a test, which only proves that I am making the right decision and I have found a man which I can grow and change with. A man who is worth waiting for. On my worse days, I see this as a sign. A sign that I should take away a wonderful friendship and look for a new mate. These extremes are killing me! I know that I am just tripping out over losing control. I also know that it was a delusion that I had any control over him at all! He is asking for more space then I am comfortable giving him. I know he loves me, he shows me all the time, and he is the first man I have trusted. For anyone with past trust issues, you know how big of a deal that is. How do I learn to give him the space and time he is asking for? Advice? Stories? Thank you
hip chick Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 In my opinion, if you have been together that long, and he is now asking for "space," it is not going to work out. Go ahead and date other guys! That's what giving him space means.
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 I am well aware of that.. I was the one who originally suggested it. Before me, his past relationships have all been with Christian girls (as he is) and I have shattered some pretty big dogmas in his life. It is a very finicky line which was crossed when I lost control. And I know that that, the line being crossed, was when I started to not feel okay about the situation. Does that make sense? It is very difficult to express.
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Hi there Monlight and welcome to forum conundrum land. Have you set boundaries to what this split entails? Are you in contact, are you still dating, are you still seeing each other or are you breaking contact to have complete autonomous space?
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 We are dating. Occassionally we spend the night together, but it is hard for him due to the nature of some of the issues he is dealing with. He wants to wait until I get back. (I am going away for the summer to pursue an educational interest.)
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 and thanks for the welcome!!!
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 We are dating. Occassionally we spend the night together, but it is hard for him due to the nature of some of the issues he is dealing with. He wants to wait until I get back. (I am going away for the summer to pursue an educational interest.) Well Moonlight it sounds like the reason you are feeling out of control and like you NEED to control him/the situation is because you are in limbo, you are not in control of your situation. While he asked for space and it's better to have some of him than none of him, ie date casually this is clearly not working out for you. So you need to figure out what would work out for you, in that you need to assess what is the least amount of anxiety you will feel given the normal amount of pain one is supposed to feel when they essentially break up with their mate. Me personally I would suggest a clean break, no more limbo, know where you stand even if it is very hard, but at least you will be more in control of your emotions. If you truly love each othe and need to be together time will unite you again. Keep in mind you did meet while you were both still with your previous partners you didn't have time to grieve over your peveious losses, can it come back to bite you in the rear this far down the road? why not?
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Thank you for your opinion. Somedays I feel so good about how everything is. He is my best friend. I do not think we would lose that even if we never got back together. We meet up for lunches and play chess, we discuss ideas about experiences we have, recommend books and documentaries and discuss them. I value our time together too much to totally part ways. After all, we will be spending plenty of time out of contact this summer. I think you are very right about us not taking proper time to get over our past relationships.
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Thank you for your opinion. He is my best friend, and I don't think we would lose that even if we never ended up back together. We meet for lunches and play chess. We discuss ideas we have about experiences we've had, books or documentaries. I value his company too much to make that clean break. Besides, we will have plenty of time this summer with no contact. I think you are right about the past relationship thing. I am definitely being forced to face some past issues.
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Thank you for your opinion. He is my best friend, and I don't think we would lose that even if we never ended up back together. We meet for lunches and play chess. We discuss ideas we have about experiences we've had, books or documentaries. I value his company too much to make that clean break. Besides, we will have plenty of time this summer with no contact. I think you are right about the past relationship thing. I am definitely being forced to face some past issues. sorry, new poster mistake! I thought I had deleted that by accident. Sorry!
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 He is my best friend, and I don't think we would lose that even if we never ended up back together. We meet for lunches and play chess. We discuss ideas we have about experiences we've had, books or documentaries. I value his company too much to make that clean break. Besides, we will have plenty of time this summer with no contact. Well then what I am seeing is that what you need right now is to keep him in the picture in order to keep your situation in check. There is no hard and fast answer really, you have to do what is best for you. If in time if you feel like what you have is not enough you will then reevaluate what you are doing and see what you can do to alter your situation. As long as you remember that this is about you too, it's fine that he needs space and even better you are able to comply, you won't lose sight of your needs along the way.
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Thanks for you advice. I do agree, and hope that I can learn to deal with being out of control, and just let things happen. This is what I want. Has anyone had somewhat of a similar situation happen? Or relate to something I said? Perhaps the Christian thing? I would love to hear some stories or other advice on how to let go of control when you are a control freak in love with a anti-control man!
wolf359 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Before me, his past relationships have all been with Christian girls (as he is) and I have shattered some pretty big dogmas in his life. It seems that instead of sharing his faith, you want to destroy it to make him more into your image. But that's probably just the control freak in you coming out! That alone IMO makes this relationship a dicey proposition. No one ever really gives up what they believe, they just learn to hide it better in order to please the other person and will eventually come to resent their partner for having to do so. You might be better off finding someone that shares your belief system(or lack thereof, whichever applies). It might mean less control, but it also holds the promise of greater harmony. Oh, and welcome to the forum...I'm new here too...
Author moonlight fragments Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. I do, however, have to say that I have complete respect for his faith, and think it is great. I said I shattered some dogmas, because that is what they were. Rules that he himself had broken in the past and held personal guilt because of them. We do differ in the way we view beliefs, but I believe share enough of the base ideals that it isn't above working out. It is also new for me to be around someone who is Christian. I did not grow up with religion, and do not have many close friends that are religious.
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