fral945 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I'm 28, & I didn't date much before I found this site. I don't have a lot of experience, but I have a good idea of the long term qualities I look for in a relationship. I've been dating a bit, & it's kinda depressing to realize what's out there. The 2 biggest things I look for that I can't find in a woman are financial stability and physical stability. In other words, a woman who is not out of control with her money and a woman that can maintain a decent weight long-term (meaning no drastic weight fluctuations or the fad/yo-yo dieting). I've lowered my standards a bit as I've gotten into the dating game as I have found almost no women that meet these criteria. I'll date women who are somewhat overweight (maybe up to 20-30 lbs), as long as they are not significantly overweight or obese. The women I've dated who have issues in this area either get defensive when I bring up the possibility that they may need to change their lifestyle a bit, or they agree with my advice but don't actually do anything about it. The financial stability part I've kinda given up on, considering how almost everyone nowadays seems to live in debt or right on the edge. My question is: Are my standards too high? Am I expecting too much? For the record, I maintain a healthy weight through diet and exercise and I have a decent paying job and am pretty conservative with my money. I've never really had any weight or financial issues (other than being about 20 lbs. overweight in my late teens until I changed my eating habits). It wouldn't even bother me if they have problems presently. The major issue is that they are willing to take responsibility for their actions and are willing to make the necessary changes. I think these are important things for a long term relationship. The physical because I believe strongly in a healthy lifestyle can prevent many common health ailments people have today. I also would love to have a decent long-term sex life, and weight is a factor. The financial because I know this is a major source of problems in marriages. I say these things because I have real life examples in my own family. My aunt is a diabetic and has never watched her diet, and she is now suffering the terrible side effects of the disease. She is a major burden on my uncle, and he actually dreads going home to her when he is away of business. On the financial side, I have a brother whose wife is an impulse buyer who doesn't watch what she spends money on, and I can tell it has been a major burden on him. He looks more miserable every time I see him. They live in constant debt and she is unwilling to change her ways. I would rather not be the future husband that prefers to be at work all day rather than go home to my wife because life at home is worse than life at work. Any advice or real life examples would help (maybe some good examples, lol). Thanks to all in advance.
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Where do you meet these women? Join a running or hiking group or run a marthon you will meet plenty of women that are into physical fitness. Or you can start your own interest groups on a site called Meetups and it is all over the world for every interest you can think of. Lastly it is understandable that you want a woman that is not overweight but rather than going out with women who are a bit overwheight and try to convince them to be more like what YOU want, either learn to accept them or don't date women you want to change. No one wants to be told they are not good enough for you, especially not in the dating stages because then the question begs to be asked, what is stopping you from getting your ideal woman and moreso why are you wasting your time and the time of women that don't make the cut? Lastly: I say these things because I have real life examples in my own family. My aunt is a diabetic and has never watched her diet, and she is now suffering the terrible side effects of the disease. She is a major burden on my uncle, and he actually dreads going home to her when he is away of business. On the financial side, I have a brother whose wife is an impulse buyer who doesn't watch what she spends money on, and I can tell it has been a major burden on him. He looks more miserable every time I see him. They live in constant debt and she is unwilling to change her ways. seems what you have seen in your family has a huge impact on your mate selection, might want to get to the root of your demons in an attempt to understand that just because someone is 10lbs over weight it doesn't mean they will end up a diabetic or a financial leach.
daphne Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If you are truly in shape yourself and are financially stable, no your standards aren't too high. It's a tough combination, however, in this country. If you look at the map of teh US, obesity is running rampant and particularly in teh South. Also, everyone's living on credit and well beyond their means. I'm in the same boat as you, more or less. I'm very financially conservative, even though I don't have to be. And I'm thin. But I live in a larger city than you, more than likely, so I have more options. If I were you, I'd be more aggressive about looking around in athletic clubs, churches, social clubs. Don't lower your standards. It doesn't sound like you're looking for a super model. It's not too much to ask to find someone who's fiscally and physically in shape, but it's harder to find these days.
hip chick Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Are you a member of a gym? I get asked out there all the time. Unfortunately I haven't been interested in any of the guys there who have asked me out, but they've all been in shape. Anyway, you see a woman who is your type at the elliptical, you go and get on the elliptical next to her and smile and make eye contact. that might lead to a conversation (if she doesn't have her ipod on.) How about a volleyball or coed softball league? Or a hiking club? These are active women who join, and often they are joining to meet single, physically active men! Are you a working professional? You could subtly get the word out to coworkers and see if they know of quality women to set you up with. They aren't going to knowingly set you up with some woman who doesn't have her act together.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I think those are pretty basic standards, and I don't think you should soften them. You're not going to be happy if you settle for less than you want, and it's really not too much to ask for.
SpikeyChick Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 My question is: Are my standards too high? Am I expecting too much? The major issue is that they are willing to take responsibility for their actions and are willing to make the necessary changes. . Hmmm, Your standards are not too high - these requirements of yours are reasonable expectations- do NOT settle for a lesser woman. SEcondly -how do you get a woman to "take resonsibility" when she has acted irresponsibly in the first place. ALL adults know that financial and weight management are essential parts of growing up , but few achieve it or even bother to try . Are you hoping that if you point out her errors she will thank you, and then go to work on herself now that she has "seen the light" ? Good luck with that project. You dont know women very well do you ? Just keep qualifying them and discard the unsuccessful applicants . Hopefully you will find someone who is your equal - it may take a while though..
hip chick Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 hmmm, I don't think being 10 to 20 pounds overweight is really a flaw. Plus, what is overweight to one guy, another guy might think is a hot bod. So I don't think it's fair to use the weight thing. Yes, we all have our preferences, but sometimes you might find yourself attracted to someone who is not normally your physical type. I have dated a guy who was a bit chubby and he was a wonderful person and I was attracted to him. Go figure. You just have to open your mind and boundaries sometimes because there is more to love than the physical. If you close off your mind because of "standards" then you are missing out.
D-D Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I agree with your point of view. I am a 24 year old male who also has fairly limited dating experience. My friends tell me that I am too picky when it comes to women and that is why I am single. I like to think that I know what I like and I don't settle. I have an athletic build and I try to eat healthy and work out 6 days a week to stay fit. I won't date a girl who is out of shape or overweight. If there is a gut it is a real physical turn-off for me. My friends equate my pickiness in this regard to a girl not dating me because I am short. I reply that I can't change my height, but I certainly could change my weight if I was overweight. Some people consider me very shallow in this regard. I live an active lifestyle and I want to maintain that. I think the best way to accomplish this is to find a mate who share's my lifestyle. If you both are in good shape, work out and practice a healthy diet you are (IMO) more likely to maintain that lifestyle. Maybe I am shallow and should lower my standards? I haven't yet and I'm not planning on it. I don't ask for perfection, but I do have a standard which lots of girls do not meet (as our society seems to be getting increasingle overwieght in large numbers). If that means I die single, so be it I guess. In terms of financial matters I too agree with you. I am 24 years old and I still live at home. I have been working a professional career for almost two years now (after completing a university degree) and have been saving up for my own place and probably will stay at home for a while yet. With homes costing $400,000 where I live (and me only earning about $30,000 a year net), I want a sizeable downpayment so I will not be broke for the next 40 years paying a mortage! Some girls probably wouldn't date me because I live at home, but I don't want to still be in debt when I am 40! I think you have very reasonable standards. I wouldn't try changing people. YOu need to find women that already meet your criteria. Unfortunately for guys like us, that appears to be an ever decreasing pool of women in this modern era.
puppycat Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 I'll date women who are somewhat overweight (maybe up to 20-30 lbs), as long as they are not significantly overweight or obese. The women I've dated who have issues in this area either get defensive when I bring up the possibility that they may need to change their lifestyle a bit, or they agree with my advice but don't actually do anything about it. Why would you date someone who already does not fit your criteria? 99% of women in this country have self-esteem or body image issues. You will only make a woman defensive by bringing up her weight and suggesting she change it. Overweight women already know that they need to lose weight and if they were capable of doing it obviously they would already be thin! Seems like you don't have much relationship experience, but one of the cardinal rules is that you never go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. It never happens and you'll butt heads about it constantly. Trust me, I learned the hard way.
Carmen87 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 If that is what you want in a woman, so be it. That's fine. What isn't fine is you dating women that you feel should lose weight. Obviously, this is going to mean you aren't attracted to them. Do not date women you feel are overweight if you don't want them, because telling them to lose weight is only going to make them feel inadequate. Find someone who is your type, don't try to mold people into it.
carhill Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 OP, you can't change others. Accept them and change and grow yourself. Your efforts will attract the right people into your life. In the final analysis, relationships are far more substantive and pervasive than the issues you've raised. Standards are good and I applaud you for being clear about them, but don't lose sight of people. It's a pretty solitary existence without them
Tomcat33 Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 don't lose sight of people. It's a pretty solitary existence without them I love that line Carhill! So true.
Author fral945 Posted June 2, 2008 Author Posted June 2, 2008 Wow, thanks for the responses, everyone. I didn't expect this many to be honest. I'm in the same boat as you' date=' more or less. I'm very financially conservative, even though I don't have to be. And I'm thin. But I live in a larger city than you, more than likely, so I have more options. I'd be more aggressive about looking around in athletic clubs, churches, social clubs[/quote'] I do live in a relatively small city. I don't really want to live in a big city, but I've gone back and forth with the possibility of moving to a larger city, finding someone, then maybe moving to a smaller town once I've found someone. I am a member of a gym, so I probably need to be more aggresive and "advertise" my availability in that arena. Are you hoping that if you point out her errors she will thank you, and then go to work on herself now that she has "seen the light? Good luck with that project. You dont know women very well do you ? You are right. I've only done that once or twice, and only when she directed the conversation toward it. I wouldn't dare do it directly, I'd probably get my head chopped off, lol. I try to do it subtely. I'll admit, though, that sometimes it is hard for me to bite my tongue when a person is doing something obviously wrong and doesn't realize it. Why would you date someone who already does not fit your criteria? 99% of women in this country have self-esteem or body image issues. You will only make a woman defensive by bringing up her weight and suggesting she change it. Overweight women already know that they need to lose weight and if they were capable of doing it obviously they would already be thin! Seems like you don't have much relationship experience, but one of the cardinal rules is that you never go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. It never happens and you'll butt heads about it constantly. Trust me, I learned the hard way? puppycat, You're right about my lack of relationship experience. I alluded to it in my OP. The reason I've dated women who didn't meet my criteria is because there's a lack of single women who meet those 2 criteria. I'm not religious at all, either, which further limits my options, as I live in the "Bible Belt", and nearly everyone I've met here is religious, even if they don't go to church. I can think of only 1 woman here I've dated that didn't think that was a problem or didn't constantly question me about it (though we only dated 1 time). If that is what you want in a woman' date=' so be it. That's fine. What isn't fine is you dating women that you feel should lose weight. Obviously, this is going to mean you aren't attracted to them. Do not date women you feel are overweight if you don't want them, because telling them to lose weight is only going to make them feel inadequate. Find someone who is your type, don't try to mold people into it.[/quote'] Carmen, I don't date women that I think should lose weight. I actually don't mind a little extra weight on a woman. I could live with a woman that was 20 lbs. overweight as long as she had relatively good eating and exercise habits. Problem is most of these women I meet are relatively young (early 20s) and have terrible habits. Their weight problems are only going to get worse as they get older unless they change. I don't want to force them to change, but a lot of times I like the other qualities about them and hope that maybe I can convince them over time in this one area. OP, you can't change others. Accept them and change and grow yourself. Your efforts will attract the right people into your life. In the final analysis, relationships are far more substantive and pervasive than the issues you've raised. Standards are good and I applaud you for being clear about them, but don't lose sight of people. It's a pretty solitary existence without them I don't disagree. I do have other more substantive qualities I look for and value. I only mention these because I think no matter how great those other qualities are, in reality, if there are problems in these areas a relationship can never last long-term for me. Maybe I'm cynical, but sometimes I think it would be better to lonely and single than married and miserable.
carhill Posted June 2, 2008 Posted June 2, 2008 Take it from someone who's married that the issues you've raised really become minor ones over time, at least in comparison to the typical marital (and life) challenges you'll face. Few joys in life come without risk. It's up to you the quality and quantity of risk you're willing to embrace. I was single for a few decades but must say I learned far more about life being married than I ever did being single. YMMV
Author fral945 Posted June 3, 2008 Author Posted June 3, 2008 Take it from someone who's married that the issues you've raised really become minor ones over time, at least in comparison to the typical marital (and life) challenges you'll face. So what issues have you found to be the most important in your experience over the long haul? I can only go by my observations since I don't have much experience myself, but I'm pretty observant and from what I can see financial is a big cause of strife. I can name numerous people (mostly men) whose wives are putting them through financial hell.
carhill Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I'd put financial issues, power and control, and family interdynamics right at the top of the list. Pervasive throughout IMO would be personality characteristics and communication styles.
SpikeyChick Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 . I do have other more substantive qualities I look for and value. I only mention these because I think no matter how great those other qualities are, in reality, if there are problems in these areas a relationship can never last long-term for me. Maybe I'm cynical, but sometimes I think it would be better to lonely and single than married and miserable. Think about this- Women tend to "marry up" ,That means that they will enter a marriage USUALLY with a higher value man for two reasons . The first is that he provides that best genetic mating qualities available and secondly because he is the best provider available. If you focus on creating a life of personal achievement and value FOR YOURSELF you will attract a higher quality woman . You ever heard of the ladder theory ? Do not waste your energy on trying to "help" women improve themselves. Take it from me , most women spend more time and energy on creating justifications and excuses for their poor choices than they do creating solutions.
monkey00 Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 I live in the big city and the only women I've met who come close to your standards of financial stability (aka financially self-sufficient with money in their savings account) and fit are actually women in your age, so I'm a bit surprised you say that. The other women who aren't financially stable tend to be around their early 20's. I don't think your standards are high, as there are many women as much as men who need to get their **** together - though as previously suggested maybe you're looking in the wrong places? Have you thought of getting your friends to introduce you to their co-workers?
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